Thirty Five Weeks. Five Days. 17 Sleeps to go…
This morning i feel alone.
And as the river of tears fell from my eyes, for the first time in a long time, i felt in real emotional pain.
As exciting as this it, it is also scary, scarier than i ever imagined…. While the pain is nothing to what i endured last year, and while i have so much support it is unbelievable there is still one person, once again, missing from my life that more than anything in the world i wish i had.
I want my mom.
I feel like i am alone. I feel like when i go in to the theater in 17 days time i will come out alone. I have my husband, he is the most important person to me – but he is the same as me, this is all so new and scary, he will be watching his wife in pain, and he will be watching his child enter the world, his emotions the same as mine, his fears just as overwhelming.
And when i go into recovery, when my new child and husband go to another room, i will be alone.
My fears are real, and my heart is hurting this morning, because i really feel alone, i really just want my mom.
I cant explain the emotions, all i know is it hurts – a lot.
When i am back in that ward, when i am in pain, there will be people and family there – but they will only be there for my baby , and for the excitement and joy – not for me.
As i cried in the shower but 10 minutes ago, all i could think of was that my mother should be there for me, she would be the one who would hold my hand and tell me it was ok, she would be the one who would pass me my child and protect me from the overwhelming emotions that i am about to face… My mother would tell me right now that it would be ok, she would give me a hug and let me know that it was going to be ok.
She wouldnt tell me that there is nothing to worry about, she wouldnt tell me not to cry, she wouldnt tell me that this was all normal and that i wont want to hold my baby instead of being whipped away to recovery, she wouldnt say ‘when i was in labor’ or ‘in my day’…
She would just tell me it would be ok, she would tell me she will be there for me, she would tell me that she will never leave my side.
These are things i cant expect from my husband, i cant expect that from my sisters, and i cant expect that from my best friend – they all have their own roles to play, and the one of my mother is not their responsibility, and because of that i feel so alone.
I know in the end it will be ok, i know that. But it doesnt change the fact that these emotions make me miss the mother i never knew, that through the milestones of my life i dont have the one person who i believe i want and need, the one person who would take away my fears.
Maybe i am wrong, maybe i live in a fantasy world where mothers fix everything, but no matter how reiculous my dreams of a mother are, it doesnt change the fact that i miss her.
I miss her so very very much, and more than anything in this world right now, i wish she were here to share our precious moment with… More than anything.
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. Washington Irving
