Thirty Six Weeks. Five Days. 10 Sleeps to go…
I think sometimes it is hard even for the most grateful of people, the most blessed and hopeful of people to be humble…. Sometimes it is hard even for those who know how selfish they are being, to stop being selfish, and to simply ‘suck it up’
Today i want to tell myself to ‘suck it up’
Because for the first time in a long time i feel down on myself.
I have tried not too. Knowing what i went through to get to this point i have tried so hard not to be down on my apearance, not to care what pregnancy has done to me, what i have allowed to happen to my body, and simply to think about the things i am going to do about my appearance and my contstant self loathing once i can… Once it is only me in my body to worry about, and not my miracle child.
I dont want to be the one who says they dont like being pregnant, i dont want to be the one who says they cant stand the big belly, the out of breathness, and the constnat pain… But today i want to…
I want to scream and say that i just want to go for a run. I want to hate the way i look, and i want to hate the way i feel. I want to cry about it and i want to scream about it… And it is taking everything inside me not too.
Today i am tired. My glands in my neck are swollen, my feet and ankles are like tree stumps or cankles… My hands are so puffy i cant open the milk carton, and i have indigestion and squished lungs – i am uncomfortable…
I have become the woman who i dont want to be.
And as much as i try not to be, i cant.
I want to know how it is done, how one looks and themselves and says they love what they see. I want to look at my belly, at my stretch marks, at my hands and fingers, at my toes that dont touch the ground, at my double chin, at everything that makes a pregnant woman a pregnant woman, at everything i think i hate, and turn it around and say i love it, i love it, i love it…
But i cant.
And i want to know why after all that i have been through, i cant?
It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes… we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions – especially selfish ones. Alexander Solzhenitsyn
