Day 4 of my miracles life.
This is harder than I thought, harder than I imagined, and all the while all I can think is how selfish I am.
I thought the hard part was over, I thought for once it would be easier for me, for us… That nature would kick in and things like healing and feeding would all come so easy.
Call me naive or stupid, or maybe just a fool, but I really didn’t expect to be this overcome or confused.
Nothing compared to the moment I meet my miracle, and I know in time that nothing about this week will be remembered, but for now, today and tonight, I continue to struggle with my emotions and with my pain.
I am a strong woman, I have endured a lot, and I know that this is nothing compared to some, but I sit here and selfishly think why. Why is it that for some women it is so easy? Babies come easy, they go through an easy pregnancy, suffer with no pain through childbirth, they feed with no pain, it just comes so easily and naturally, but for me everything has been hard. Every step of this journey has been something. Every step I feel has been a challenge, and sometimes when night has fallen, when the lights are out, when no one is around, when my baby is taken to the nursery, I sit here and wonder why me, why this much struggle and pain, why me? I start to believe that I don’t deserve what I have been given.
This week my body has failed me. It has failed me in ways that I feel overwhelmingly humiliated about, and it has failed me in ways I thought weren’t possible, and all the while I still cant help but to think how selfish I am, how wanting my body ‘to be better’, how thinking about how humiliated I am is just so self-centered.
It is my emotions that tell me that when all I can do is sit in my own filth and watch everyone else nurse my baby that i am no good, that i dont deserve this… My emotions are what is telling me that my body has failed me, that when I cant get from the bed without passing out, that when my baby cant feed from my engorged breasts, that when in the middle of the night, when I am all alone, I cannot answer my miracles screams, that when I cant even change a simple diaper… That I do not deserve what I have, that i am not the right mother for this miracle that God has graced us with.
I know in my heart that my emotions have taken over, I know that no matter what the emotions will pass, and I know that no matter what I will be able to take care of my miracle, that in the end i am her mother, i am the best i can be, and i will no matter what be able to figure this out with dignity and confidence…
But sometimes all we want, all we need at the end of a long road, is a straight sign pointing us in the right direction.
Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets. Anon
