Thirty Four Weeks.  Five Days. 37 Days to go…

I thought that the hard part was over.  I thought that once i was pregnant, once i got past those twelve weeks, once i got past 20 weeks, once i got into the third trimester, past the contraction scares, past all that has happened in the last year, well honestly i thought by now i would be ok.

I never imagined that emotions could be so confusing, that when all seemed to be ok, that when all the ‘dangers’ had past that i would still be scared, simply because my emotions have taken over.

As the days go by, as the tiredness creeps back my emotions seem to take on a life of their own, and they honestly scare me.

This morning i broke down and screamed, cried like i havent done for the most part of the year.  But instead of being about hurting, instead of being broken inside… I was breaking down over shoes – my pent up emotions and fears, my tied and overwhelmed body broke down over the simplest thing.

How does it come to this?

My pain is in the past… I have almost made it, i have the life i but dreamed about having a year ago…  Yet this morning i feel apart… And it scared me.

I worried about the child inside of me hurting because i was upset, i worried about the child inside of me being in danger because i fell apart… And i worry now about the months to come and the emotions that may surround them, and the child that will be in my arms depending on me not to break down and cry.

I want to be strong for this child, i want my George to know that i am a good mother, that i can handle what the world throws at us and be the one that protects him.  I dont want to let my emotions take over…

But how?  How can i control the uncontrollable?

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. John Fitzgerald Kennedy