Day 33 in my miracles life

Have you ever thought as you left the house ‘yup, i look ok, yup not too bad’… As i ventured out of the house last week in what had become one of the only ‘outfits’ that actually fit my obscurely shaped post baby body, i thought yup this is ok not wonderful but ok, and it was that day that i got one of the most disheartening comments of my life…

Someone told me that i had the ‘new mother look’

My puzzled face was enough for that person to explain to me that in fact my cargo pant, t-shirt & sneaker ‘look’ was all i would ever wear again….

Why you ask? Well it seems that i will apparently never have time to make myself look good, let alone feel good again – according to this person.

To be honest the comment not only made me feel like a spec of dirt under someones nail, but it hurt me too, took away what little confidence i had left in my self image.

You see like many others in this world – i am conscious of my image, before i feel pregnant, before having children was even an idea – i loved to be active and i loved to eat for my body, i worked hard to get to a weight i was happy with, and a weight that when i looked at my wardrobe, when i got ready for a day out – i felt good.

But now, now i see nothing that i like, and i know that isnt fair, i know that i have just had a baby and that it takes time, but my confidence is so thin i wont even let my husband see me, i shut the bathroom door now… & all i really want is to feel good again, and comments like that, comments that make me feel like i will never be ‘able’ to feel good again, comments that indicate because you are a mother you are sentenced to a baby belly and cargo pants for eternity, really hurts.

And it makes me wonder, why people who know that you have just had a child, why people who should be trying to make you feel better, why people who could say something different – dont, they say the first thing that comes to their mind – the one thing that makes you feel… Well, worse than you already feel.

And i know this isnt unique to me or to my situation, i know that it has happened to people i love, happened to strangers right in front of me, happened to people who were simply minding their own business – loved ones, friends, or strangers making comments that just dishearten us and put us down.  All i can think is what is wrong with society that they must point out our flaws? Point out the things that just make us feel like less of a woman? Point out the things that we so clearly know are wrong with us, and that we so clearly understand we need to work on….

Why when we dont even ask, do people feel the need to tell us ‘Your bum looks big in that’?

Day 30 in my miracles life

I feel guilty because i am giving up.  I am on the verge of giving up… I feel like i cant do this anymore, like i have given it all that i have, but the pain, the discomfort and most of all my dislike has taken over.

I feel like i have given this my best shot, but because i ‘can’ because i have the ability, i feel like i am being nothing but selfish.

Breastfeeding has consumed me.  It has consumed my every thought, and it is making me so unhappy that even as i sit here now i just want to cry.

I dread feed times, i dread having to pull my boob out and put on a nipple shield to feed, i dread the feeling of ‘full’ boobs, i dread having to pump milk out of my body, and i dread the thought of the ‘sometimes’ pain when my miracle does latch on to feed.

I dont like worrying about how i will get my child fed if i am in one spot or another, if i have an appointment at the wrong time, or trying to be in the right spot at the right time, with the right equipment just so my child can be feed.

And these reasons to me seem nothing but selfish…

So many women wish that they could have milk, wish that they could breastfeed, wish that they could be given a chance to experience this ‘bonding’… And for that i feel guilty, i feel like i am making a terrible mistake, i feel like i am a sinner….

On the other hand maybe giving up will make my relationship with my daughter stronger, maybe giving in will give me the strength not to want to cry every time its time to feed, every time i want to go out, every time someone unexpectedly ‘pops’ by…  Maybe by letting myself be selfish i will be a better mom, a better wife, and a better person…

I dont know, i am torn up inside, and because it is a choice i have to make by myself and myself alone – i am more confused than i have been in so very very long.

365 days ago i began something that was to change me forever.

365 days ago i endeavored on a journey that was simply something that was meant to get me through, that was meant to make each day easier, and that was just meant to help me take my mind of the sadness i was experiencing.

I honestly never expected this journey, this quest, this simple idea, to turn into what it has… I honestly never expected the emotions, the memories, nor the friends that would come from documenting 365 days of my life.

Sometimes at night when i am feeding my Jennifer i open my computer and read. I read stories that where written from the heart, from my heart – and most nights it leaves me in tears, uncontrollable tears.  Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of hope, of love, of hate, sometimes of anger, but most of the time tears of faith and happiness, knowing just how far i have come in one year.

I know that when i am reading the words i have written even though they bring me to tears, the words dont seem to be enough, they just arnt enough to convey what i went through.  The words i have written everyday, what i have shared with the world, with anyone who cared to read, with my closest friends, with complete strangers, while i have opened myself up somehow it just doesnt seem to be enough to convey the emotions of the journey some women have to face to be a mother.

This year, the past 365 days have opened my eyes to a world of pain, sadness and to a world of hurt that many people have no idea about, and yet at the same time to a world of unimaginable indescribable love.  Love for a child i never thought i would have, along with love for strangers, love for people all over the world who know exactly what you are going through and just what you need to get you through, people who share your sadness, and people who share your happiness no matter their situation.  The past 365 days has opened my eyes to a world where image, where nationality, where differences, and where distance is no barrier – a world where people are honest and open, and willing just to help a stranger get through a rough night, and i know now that without these people i may not be where i am today, i may not have made the decisions i made that led me to today.  And that in itself is a valuable lesson that i am now able to pass onto my child, the child that i may not have ever got to know…

As i sit here today i have no idea what the future has in stall for me, i have no idea where i will be in another 365 days, but i wonder about my future, about my miracles future, about the day when i will get to tell my Jennifer about the 365 days i spent Chasing A Miracle, about the days i cried from places so deep there were no tears, about the days i cried in happiness, and about the day – August 25th 2010 – where i learned love, where i learned that everything i had been through, everything i had endured, every second of hurt, every moment of heartache, every ounce of unimaginable pain, where it was all forgotten – the day the slate was wiped clean.  I wonder what Jennifer will say, how she will react, and if she will one day appreciate just how much she was wanted, and just how much she is truly loved.

I know that this is not the end, i know that there will be more posts, more rants, more tears, more need for hope, more reason to have faith, and certainly more need for advise and love from the strangers i have learned to lean on, but for now, today it is the end of my challenge to post for 365 days straight, to document the journey of a girl who just wanted a baby, to write from the heart, to help others, the end of my challenge to let you know honestly what it is like to hurt, and to let you know honestly what it is like to fall in love from a place so deep in your heart you never thought it existed.

365 days ago i began something that was to change my life forever….

Day 27 in my miracles life

When hope is all you have to hold on to…

There were days when i felt like i couldnt go on, there were days when i felt like the pain couldnt get any worse, and there were days when i felt like i could simply slip away and the world wouldnt miss me one bit.

Last year there were times when i thought that i couldnt go on, that there was nothing left of me to give, i felt like everything i had, everything i lived for meant nothing, that my life was pointless, that my existence on this earth was pointless…

I had dug a hole so deep, i had formed pit of negative emotions so deep that there was almost no escaping it….

I thought it was hopeless…

How did i go on? I told myself every day that hope isnt just something that we hold onto, it is not just a word with little meaning, hope is knowing that at the end of a rough day, at the end of a rough week, or even at the end of a rough year, it is knowing that you can do this, it is having enough faith to pull yourself out of the dark pit you have dug, and it is knowing that no matter the outcome you tried all you could, you gave it everything you had.

To me hope is courage, having hope is knowing that you are stronger than the pain, having hope is knowing that no matter what comes next you can go on, hope is not letting the world bring you down, hope is waking up each morning and saying ‘i can do this’

To be honest, i didnt have anything left inside of me, i didnt think that i could go on, but i did, i held onto my hope, i found enough courage and i gave it one last chance…  I found my hope.  At the end of last year, my one last time, that was me gaining all the courage i had inside of me and saying to myself ‘i can do this’….

And i sit here now looking into the eyes of my one last chance, gazing into a face of hope, knowing that my courage and strength was worth it…

So i say to you, when hope is all you have left to hold onto…. Dont let it go…

Always have hope in the tomorrow you once dreamed of.  And remember that what we do today makes us who we are tomorrow. Anon

Day 26 in my miracles life.

Before i begin today i must let you know that there are three days left in my challenge and i have so much in my heart that i want to write, so much that over time i have thought about writing yet havent had the chance, or the inspiration… So as i count down my final three posts my only hope is that i can convey what is in the depths of my heart.

Sometimes we dont realise just what we need until we get it.

Sometimes it’s the kindness of strangers that brings you back to life, when the skies are grey and your day couldn’t get any worse, when its raining and all you want is a warm drink… Sometimes we just need that stranger to give us a smile as they walk by, to tell us that things will work out… And sometimes it is simply the love and excitement from a stranger for your news, for your excitement and joy that makes that joy even better, that makes your excitement even more real.

I feel so blessed of late, simply because over the past year i have had a place to go where when the skies are grey, and when my day couldn’t get any worse, there are strangers smiling at me.  And I know that i am blessed because over the past year i have had a place to go where when I have exciting news, when I want to share my joy, where there are people getting just as excited for me as i am.

Over the past 363 days I have learned more about myself then I ever knew I would, and that is partly because I have been able to be so open and honest.  Writing just how I really feel, knowing that the world will be honest with me, simply if I am honest with them.  Knowing that no matter what I say, no matter what impulsive comment I make, it doesn’t matter, there are people who will still care about me, people that will tell me like it is, tell me straight… Something that I have found rarely happens in my ‘real’ life.

I have said this before, but I am saying it again… So many people don’t understand the world of twitter and the blog, still I have people who question why I would bother, question why it is so important to me to continue…  And the truth is, I wouldn’t be here without it.  I wouldn’t have got through IVF without it, and without the love and support of total strangers, I wouldn’t have got through the nine months of pregnancy either.

I am no loner, I have friends, many friends, and family that I couldn’t live without – but this is different, this is not effort, this is not some silly game, this is real people, really caring about other people.  This is saying how you feel and not being judged, this is saying how you feel and being told straight.  This is not some silly game, but a real life way of knowing more about the world, understanding just how well off you are, understanding different cultures, and the same story told in a different manner, this is not some stupid waste of time, this is learning and knowing that something’s in life cant be taken for granted, that sometimes in life you need to depend on strangers to get you through that grey day.

There is one memory that will stay with me until the day i die, and that is of the night before my miracle was born, I was excited, my husband had been directed to leave the hospital, and i was alone – no one to share my butterflies with, no one to be excited with…  But as I turned on twitter and looked at all my messages, I got even more excited, a wave of overwhelming joy passed over me as i saw that i had about 20 people directly telling me just how excited they were for me, just how much they were looking forward to ‘meeting’ my miracle!  No pressure, no we just want snuggles, we just want to steal your baby… None of that, just we cant wait to share in YOUR excitement, we are so happy for YOU… People who were thinking about me, not about themselves… And that, that right there is something I haven’t got from quite a few people i know in ‘real’ life, in ‘real’ life it seems that a lot of people were excited for themselves, and their new relationship with my miracle.

I have learned over the past year that being part of on online group, doesnt make you a nerd or a geek, it doesnt mean you cant find friends in ‘real life’ it doesnt mean that you dont have anything better to do… No, it simply means that you are able to expand your knowledge, to find people who are going through what you are going through, to experience a new type of love, to experience what it is like to really ‘know’ people without any false perceptions, to be more aware of just how lucky we really are in our own countries, to realise in the face of darkness just what we really have, and to know that on the other side of the world, or maybe even on our side of the world -  there is always someone with a more painful story than yours, that when you feel like you have been through all that you can go through, your words your experience may just be able to help that person who is suffering more than you are a that point.

Sometimes we really dont realise just what we need unitl we get it…. I didnt know that i needed a support group to get me through 2009, i didnt know that i needed somewhere to go for advise, for simple words, for friendships, for smiles… I didnt know that i needed to express myself to others, to feel like i was helping, to feel like my story, my words, my pain, may help someone else get through….

I didnt realise that…

Until i looked back on my year, and instantly knew that i wouldnt be here, i wouldnt have my miracle if it wasnt for Chasing A Miracle, if it wasnt for my online support.

So before this challenge ends, before i write my final daily post, i want to say a simple thank you, to all the followers that got me through….

Chasing A Miracle wouldnt be what it is today without you.

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubard

Day 24 in my miracles life

She is my little miracle.

She is the little embryo that held on, she is our one last chance, our one more time, she is the one that we thought would never be… She is our miracle that we prayed so hard for…

So now that she is born, now that she is in my arms, now that i can see her breathing, feel her heart beating, marvel in her innocence… Now that she is finally ours to hold and love – how do i stop myself from being the over protective mom?

How to i stop myself from wrapping her in cotton wool, bubble wrap, from being the mother who cant let go? How do i stop myself from being ‘that’ mother, the one that is too scared to let their child be a child?

Its early days still, but as the time ticks away, as the days quickly pass me by, i cant help but wonder if i will ever be able to somewhat ‘let go’?  I wonder if my insecurities and fears will diminish and i will be able to become the mother i want to be, the mother that doesnt protect their child from every single insect, the mother that lets their child play in the mud, and the mother who is able to realise what is protecting and what is over protecting their child…

And has it already begun?  Have i already become too over protective?  Have my fears already got the better of me this week – taking the little love to the doctor for a cold?  Panicking over some snot? Worrying over some spuke?

How do i stop myself from wrapping my miracle in bubble wrap?

From caring comes courage Lao Tzu