Day 13 in my miracles life
Today is significant in so many ways.
Today was my Jennifer’s expected due date, today was the day i was to meet my miracle, the date that brought hope and happiness to me this year… Quite simply September 7th is the date that meant that there was to be no more pain and suffering, the date that restored my hope and faith….
Yet on this date, one year ago, i broke down and cried like i had never cried before, i hurt more than i have ever known, and one year ago today i experienced a pain like no other, a pain that many women suffer even worse than me.
One year ago today my heart broke into a thousand pieces. One year ago today i thought it was the end, i thought i couldnt go on, i thought that i wouldnt, that i couldnt do IVF any more, i thought that God hated me, i thought that my world and everything i knew was over…
One year ago today, i got the news that i was going to miscarry my first positive pregnancy, my first IVF pregnancy.
It had only been a short while with a positive result, but to me, to my husband, to my family… That was the most exciting few days, the most hope i had been given in 2009.
Sometimes i wonder if things would have been different without that pain, i wonder if i would have kept going, if this journal of 365 days would have even begun? And sometimes i wonder that at the time if i hadnt taken it so hard – if only i had just accepted it wasnt to be, if i had known that in 2010 it would have all been ok… I wonder if i hadnt had to shed those tears… If i had been stronger about the situation if i would be where i am today?
We say so many times in our lives – if only… And i sit here and wonder, but deep down i know, i know that without those tears shed, without the pain experienced, i wouldnt be who i am today… I wouldnt appreciate the miracle i have with me now, i wouldnt know what it is really like to be me. And i probably would not have documented 350 days of my life, i doubt i would have begun the journey to write each day for a year.
I dont think i will ever forget this date, i dont think that this date will even diminish in sentimental value… It doesnt matter that my miracle wasnt born on this date, all that matters is that this date brought me hope, restored my faith, gave me back my happiness that i thought i had lost forever.
September 7th 2009 brought a kind of sadness and hurt i never thought i could have ever experienced, yet September 7th 2010 brought me a kind a happiness and joy that i never thought was possible…
Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. Alex Tan
