365 days ago i began something that was to change me forever.
365 days ago i endeavored on a journey that was simply something that was meant to get me through, that was meant to make each day easier, and that was just meant to help me take my mind of the sadness i was experiencing.
I honestly never expected this journey, this quest, this simple idea, to turn into what it has… I honestly never expected the emotions, the memories, nor the friends that would come from documenting 365 days of my life.
Sometimes at night when i am feeding my Jennifer i open my computer and read. I read stories that where written from the heart, from my heart – and most nights it leaves me in tears, uncontrollable tears. Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of hope, of love, of hate, sometimes of anger, but most of the time tears of faith and happiness, knowing just how far i have come in one year.
I know that when i am reading the words i have written even though they bring me to tears, the words dont seem to be enough, they just arnt enough to convey what i went through. The words i have written everyday, what i have shared with the world, with anyone who cared to read, with my closest friends, with complete strangers, while i have opened myself up somehow it just doesnt seem to be enough to convey the emotions of the journey some women have to face to be a mother.
This year, the past 365 days have opened my eyes to a world of pain, sadness and to a world of hurt that many people have no idea about, and yet at the same time to a world of unimaginable indescribable love. Love for a child i never thought i would have, along with love for strangers, love for people all over the world who know exactly what you are going through and just what you need to get you through, people who share your sadness, and people who share your happiness no matter their situation. The past 365 days has opened my eyes to a world where image, where nationality, where differences, and where distance is no barrier – a world where people are honest and open, and willing just to help a stranger get through a rough night, and i know now that without these people i may not be where i am today, i may not have made the decisions i made that led me to today. And that in itself is a valuable lesson that i am now able to pass onto my child, the child that i may not have ever got to know…
As i sit here today i have no idea what the future has in stall for me, i have no idea where i will be in another 365 days, but i wonder about my future, about my miracles future, about the day when i will get to tell my Jennifer about the 365 days i spent Chasing A Miracle, about the days i cried from places so deep there were no tears, about the days i cried in happiness, and about the day – August 25th 2010 – where i learned love, where i learned that everything i had been through, everything i had endured, every second of hurt, every moment of heartache, every ounce of unimaginable pain, where it was all forgotten – the day the slate was wiped clean. I wonder what Jennifer will say, how she will react, and if she will one day appreciate just how much she was wanted, and just how much she is truly loved.
I know that this is not the end, i know that there will be more posts, more rants, more tears, more need for hope, more reason to have faith, and certainly more need for advise and love from the strangers i have learned to lean on, but for now, today it is the end of my challenge to post for 365 days straight, to document the journey of a girl who just wanted a baby, to write from the heart, to help others, the end of my challenge to let you know honestly what it is like to hurt, and to let you know honestly what it is like to fall in love from a place so deep in your heart you never thought it existed.
365 days ago i began something that was to change my life forever….
