Day 30 in my miracles life
I feel guilty because i am giving up. I am on the verge of giving up… I feel like i cant do this anymore, like i have given it all that i have, but the pain, the discomfort and most of all my dislike has taken over.
I feel like i have given this my best shot, but because i ‘can’ because i have the ability, i feel like i am being nothing but selfish.
Breastfeeding has consumed me. It has consumed my every thought, and it is making me so unhappy that even as i sit here now i just want to cry.
I dread feed times, i dread having to pull my boob out and put on a nipple shield to feed, i dread the feeling of ‘full’ boobs, i dread having to pump milk out of my body, and i dread the thought of the ‘sometimes’ pain when my miracle does latch on to feed.
I dont like worrying about how i will get my child fed if i am in one spot or another, if i have an appointment at the wrong time, or trying to be in the right spot at the right time, with the right equipment just so my child can be feed.
And these reasons to me seem nothing but selfish…
So many women wish that they could have milk, wish that they could breastfeed, wish that they could be given a chance to experience this ‘bonding’… And for that i feel guilty, i feel like i am making a terrible mistake, i feel like i am a sinner….
On the other hand maybe giving up will make my relationship with my daughter stronger, maybe giving in will give me the strength not to want to cry every time its time to feed, every time i want to go out, every time someone unexpectedly ‘pops’ by… Maybe by letting myself be selfish i will be a better mom, a better wife, and a better person…
I dont know, i am torn up inside, and because it is a choice i have to make by myself and myself alone – i am more confused than i have been in so very very long.
