Day 22 in my miracles life

It is one of those things that some people love to give, and some people hate to give.  It is also one of those things that some people love to receive and some people hate to receive…

Advise…

I am and always have been the kind of person who will take advise where it is due, and i really dont mind receiving advise from people in who know what they are talking about… But when people who have no experience in what you are dealing with, or their experinece is so far from what you went through, or if the person giving advise just wont leave you alone until you do what they tell you to do – thats when i get irritated, and smoke starts coming from my ears…

There are times when honestly you need advise, when you have no idea and a simple explanation, or recommendation is all you need to help you get through an afternoon, or to solve a problem that you otherwise would have no idea how to solve… Example – nappy rash – i had no idea how to get rid of it…. Example – burping – again, they dont teach you that in baby classes…. Example – nipple cream for cracked nipples, didnt know about that stuff either… GOOD advise, advise that was given to me with no expectations for me to take it on board, just given and recieved…

Yet on the other end of the scale there are times when advise is given, no i should say in my case forced on you, and you are pressured into thinking that this is what you HAVE to do, that there is no choice, that it is this way or the high way…. Example – routine feeding doesnt work, the baby will be hungry… Example – after your csection you CANT do any exercise… Example – sleep when the baby sleeps, well yes i will have a sleep when the baby is sleeping but i am not going to sleep every second the baby is sleeping! Example – (my favorite still) you have too feed off the breast! Breast milk in a bottle is wrong… Well we all know my thoughts there!

Like i mentioned, i dont mind advise, and i think if some of the advise that has been ‘forced’ on me, had been given to me with no expectations, or if the advise was not told to me every single time the topic came up, then i would be ok with it, but honestly some of this advise that people are throwing at me all the time – it is the advise i can do without thank you… Sometimes i feel like saying “Yes, i heard you, i understand what your saying, but i think i will be ok to make up my own mind” I sometimes wish these people would just at least let me take what they are saying on board and make my decisions based on all the information out there…

I dont know, it is one of those things  where some people have said to me that they swore never to give me advise… But that is just silly, because i think as long as people are not telling you what to do, they are simply giving you their experience and their advise as assistance not as a ‘must do or you are evil’ then its ok… I can handle that, in fact i welcome that!

And in saying all that…. I only hope that i have not become one of ‘those’ people who ‘forces’ too much information, or their ideas and unwanted advice on other people….

To accept good advice is but to increase one’s own ability. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Day 20 in my miracles life

Being a new mom has many challenges – i have come to understand this.  There have been days over the past 20 where i have written posts that some of my friends and family have interpreted as me being on the verge of ‘postnatal depression’ – which i can assure you i am not.

I believe i have written before that i didnt expect being a new mom to be easy, and i know that sometimes as i write how i feel the positive things, the positive emotions are not expressed, and i put this down to the fact that i write from my heart and that i write mostly when i need advise or when i feel i need help, or simply because it helps me to overcome my emotions by writing.

But last night as i sat in my chair as i calmed my screaming baby, as i thought about a few conversations i have had over the past few days, as i tried as hard as i could not to fall asleep to my own rocking, and as i looked down into Jennifers eyes, i began to cry.

And once again, i couldnt stop.

Yes this is hard, yes this is exhausting, yes my husband and i argue, yes i feel like a cow, yes breast feeding is hard and it hurts, yes i am sick, yes i feel helpless, yes there are a thousand questions, yes i doubt myself constantly…. BUT…

I cried because i was overwhelmed with happiness, with love, with just a simple glance into my daughters eyes and i know that this is what i have always wanted, that this life is better than any i have lived before, that even though sometimes i write of my struggles, there are more moments of love, joy and happiness that take away all the things that make being a new mom hard.

I cried because i know just how lucky i am, because i know that i am blessed, because unlike so many other new moms, i know that i have what so many other women desire so desperately – and because of that i am not taking this for granted.  Because i know how much i struggled, how much so many women struggle – i cried.

I have so much to learn, i have so many more sleepless nights, and so many more struggles to overcome, but i know that while sometimes i forget to write it down, i honestly am the happiest person i have ever been, and i honestly know how blessed i am….

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken. Albert Camus

Day 18 in my miracles life

I feel alive again! I feel inspired, i feel like everything is wonderful, i feel like i am walking on cotton candy, like the streets are paved in chocolate!

And why?

All because i went for a jog.

You see, before i was pregnant, before we began TTC, i was a fitness freak… Yes, that was me, one of those woman who ate rabbit food, counted calories, and had a strict exercise regime…. And it made me feel good, i liked begin fit, i loved going for runs, i loved going to the gym each morning.

Dont get me wrong, when we began TTC and when we finally fell pregnant there were other priorities, i listened to the doctors when they said no running, no dieting – as much as it pained me to stop running, to stop exercising i did it – for george – i was to do anything.

I wont lie, i have looked forward to getting back into running for a few months now… And its not always about image, its not so much about wanting to loose weight, its honestly about the feeling you get when you just let everything go, when you stop doing whatever it is you are doing and just focus on breathing, on putting one foot in front of the other.

And today, for a brief moment i got to experience that feeling.  Today on my walk, with my miracle in her pram, with my puppy by my side, we picked up the pace and we jogged.  It was only a small distance, i couldnt go very far, but i did it, i did what i said i was going to do, and i feel like i am on top of the world, like if i can do this, than i can do anything…

Maybe it is the exercise endorphins talking, maybe i am just astonished that i managed to jog with a pram and a dog and not get tangled and trip over… Maybe its just the fresh air, but i havent felt this on top of things in a while…

Right now i feel like not only can i be a fantastic mother, i can be a mother and do something i was told by many people that i wouldnt be able to do again, that i wouldnt be able to find time to do again… (And thats why i love a routine)

I feel alive again, alive with everything in my life i could have ever imagined.

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? Albert Camus

Day 17 in my miracles life

My husband always likes to tell me that I need to ‘slow down’ that things don’t always have to go as I ‘plan’ them, that schedules are ‘silly’…  For the past ten years he has been the one to say ‘its ok if we are 10 minutes late’ or ‘its ok if we don’t do what you planned to do’ and over the past ten years I have learned to accept this.

Until 17 days ago.

17 days ago I decided that I was going to be a routine parent.  I know, I know…  So many people don’t agree with this, many of the midwifes said that ‘feed on demand’ is better for baby, and yes what is best for baby goes…  But there comes a point where I believe that you have to realise what will work best for baby AND you.

Its no secret that the past two weeks have been complicated and taken a toll on me…  But yesterday as I had a conversation with my awesome brother in law, I realised that so long as I stick with what I am doing, so long as I stick to my guns, then I, no we, will be ok.  Jennifer and I are going to figure this out.

And for me that is routine.

Routine, routine, routine.

I need a routine.  I need structure, I need to wake up every morning and say ‘ok this is what is happening today, this is when it is happening, and this is how I can plan the rest of my day.  And that, that only happens if you have a routine.

Yes I know that sometimes this isn’t going to go to plan, I know that sometimes things happen and we cant always follow the routine, but for me, for us, I think having a routine makes me a better mom, it makes me more confident in what I am doing, it makes me know that my child is getting fed the right amount, that Jennifer is being cared for as best as I know how, that I am able to have a more clear state of mind, and that I am able to ‘handle things’ when I may not have had the rest that I generally need to be able to handle rougher situations.

17 days has past and my husband hasn’t stopped telling me to slow down, but he has stopped telling me that things don’t always have to be on a schedule…  For once in our relationship he has accepted my choice to follow a routine, and he has embraced it, it works for our new family, and while it may have been a rough start, we are getting there – and only because I am working to my routine.

The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.  Mike Murdock

Day 16 in my miracles life

When I was 10 I remember being in class and the teachers asking us if either of our parents had personalised number plates…

I was the kind of girl who never raised her hand for anything, quite shy I guess, so it took all my guts to raise my hand… The teacher called on me, my heart raced and I spoke in the tiniest voice “My mom has personalised plates, they say JEN10”

The teacher then asked me what JEN10 meant, I told them her name was Jenny and 10 rhymed… I remember this story only because of what the teacher said next, she told me that there had to be a better reason behind the meaning of the plates, that my mother didn’t pick that number only because it rhymed…  All I could think was, its true, its true, it does rhyme…  I was confused why that wasn’t a good enough reason…

But I sit here now 18 years later knowing that there is a reason.

Yesterday I put those plates on my car.

My miracle Jennifer born in 2010 – JEN10.

It couldn’t have been more perfect, it cant be more perfect, I don’t know why it worked out this way, and I still don’t know if there was more of a reason behind my mother originally choosing the number 10 apart from that it rhymed, but I know that now it means something.  Maybe it doesn’t mean anything to anyone else, maybe it doesn’t really matter, but to me its another little piece of my past I can pass on to my precious child.

Reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning. CS Lewis

Day 13 in my miracles life

Today is significant in so many ways.

Today was my Jennifer’s expected due date, today was the day i was to meet my miracle, the date that brought hope and happiness to me this year…  Quite simply  September 7th is the date that meant that there was to be no more pain and suffering, the date that restored my hope and faith….

Yet on this date, one year ago, i broke down and cried like i had never cried before, i hurt more than i have ever known, and one year ago today i experienced a pain like no other, a pain that many women suffer even worse than me.

One year ago today my heart broke into a thousand pieces.  One year ago today i thought it was the end, i thought i couldnt go on, i thought that i wouldnt, that i couldnt do IVF any more, i thought that God hated me, i thought that my world and everything i knew was over…

One year ago today, i got the news that i was going to miscarry my first positive pregnancy, my first IVF pregnancy.

It had only been a short while with a positive result, but to me, to my husband, to my family… That was the most exciting few days, the most hope i had been given in 2009.

Sometimes i wonder if things would have been different without that pain, i wonder if i would have kept going, if this journal of 365 days would have even begun? And sometimes i wonder that at the time if i hadnt taken it so hard – if only i had just accepted it wasnt to be, if i had known that in 2010 it would have all been ok… I wonder if i hadnt had to shed those tears…  If i had been stronger about the situation if i would be where i am today?

We say so many times in our lives – if only… And i sit here and wonder, but deep down i know, i know that without those tears shed, without the pain experienced, i wouldnt be who i am today… I wouldnt appreciate the miracle i have with me now, i wouldnt know what it is really like to be me. And i probably would not have documented 350 days of my life, i doubt i would have begun the journey to write each day for a year.

I dont think i will ever forget this date, i dont think that this date will even diminish in sentimental value… It doesnt matter that my miracle wasnt born on this date, all that matters is that this date brought me hope, restored my faith, gave me back my happiness that i thought i had lost forever.

September 7th 2009 brought a kind of sadness and hurt i never thought i could have ever experienced, yet September 7th 2010 brought me a kind a happiness and joy that i never thought was possible…

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. Alex Tan