Day 12 in my miracles life

Three weeks ago when i was asked about motherhood, i would say ‘i’ll take it as it comes’.  I had thought to myself that i was a strong woman and that i would know how i felt, and i would know what was right, and that i would be able to take each obstacle as it came, and i told myself i would not be influenced by others, that i would do what was right for my Jennifer and me.

But it seems i wasnt strong enough to not feel the pressures of society, it seems for some reason i was heavily influenced by what i was told by professionals, by trying to do ‘the right thing’

And so that leaves me to ask:: Why is it that in this day and age, where woman have become equal to men, where every one ‘has there own say’ – why is it that the government, that hospital staff, that people who are meant to help you, put so much pressure on you to do the ‘text book’ version of what is right?

Once again i am talking about feeding.

I felt like i was alone, i felt like all the people with the experience – the ‘professionals’ were telling me that i had to breast feed, that i wouldnt ‘bond’ with my baby if i didnt, that i should keep going,  that no matter the pain, no matter how horrible the experience, that i should just ‘relax’ and keep going… No matter how much it was hurting me physically and mentally.

What is expected of us, what is drilled into us at classes, in brochures, in the waiting rooms – its not fair.  What is expected of new moms, what unnecessary pressures that are placed – its just not fair, we should all be treated as individuals, each new mother offered the right help for their situation, the right comfort and support for what they are going through, not what the text book says they are going through.

I am one of the lucky ones, i have a support network like no other, i have people that listen to me and simply say – its ok, its your choice, your a great mom no matter what you choose… But what about those who dont? Those who think their only option is to persevere through the pain and be left hating the experience, because ‘thats what you are meant to do’?

I sit here and wonder why, why there is so much pressure, so much expected of new moms? Why did i arrive home with my bundle of joy so confused and alone, instead of reassured?

What in our system has gone so terribly wrong when the solution to our problems is not offered? That solutions come ‘text book’ style, not what we really need?

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. Keri Russel

Day 11 in my miracles life

There is nothing better than sitting here all day and staring into her eyes, just as there is nothing better than sitting here all day and listening to her breath, or simply watching her sleep.

I cant believe the love i feel, and i cant believe just how much my heart hurts for her to know just how deep my feelings go.  I knew i would be in love, but i never imagined this much, i honestly never imagined this much love was possible…

No matter the obstacles, no matter the pain, no matter what there is nothing better than this.  Nothing in my life has felt this hard, but nothing else has been as rewarding….

When i lay down for a minute, when i hold my miracle against my chest, when i look into her little eyes, when her tiny fingers wrap around mine, i know that nothing could be better.  When she screams just to be in my arms, when she smiles her pooing smile, when she farts so loud you can hear it on the other side of the house… There is just nothing better… Nothing…

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed. Storm Jameson

Day 10 in my miracles life

I feel like a cow.

I feel like i cant keep up.  I feel like a terrible mother.

They say boob is best, they drill it into you…  But what if every time you try it just ends in tears for both mother and baby?

What if each time the pain is so unbearable you just cant keep going?

What if no matter how hard you try, it just doesnt seem to work?

Am i ruining my ‘bond’ between my baby and me?  Is wanting to give up so wrong? Is expressing and bottle feeding the worst thing in the world?

I am trying with everything i have in me to persevere, i am trying so hard to make this work, but each time i try – i fail… The tears come, and i feel like a terrible mother – i feel like i have failed my child at only 10 days old.  I feel like… I dont know, i just dont know.

I ask for help, i ask the people who are there for assistance, but i am doing all that they have said, im trying all their methods, and still the pain is unbearable, still i feel like i cant keep up, like i am failing, like i cant get it right, like ill never be able to learn.

Even when there is a good latch, when i have a good feed, when all goes well and i feel over the moon, the next feed fails… And i feel like i go one step forward and ten steps backward… Like the fails outweigh the wins…

And i really just want the wins to out weigh the fails.

What do i do? Where do i go from here? How do i keep persevering? How do i know what is best for my precious baby?

The only real failure in life is the failure to try. Anon

Day 9 in my miracles life

My mind is in a world of its own.

Maybe it is lack of sleep, maybe sometimes it is just so overwhelming i cant comprehend what is happening, but my mind is in a world of its own and i am trying to organise, and trying to sort out what is what, but for the life of me i just cant figure anything out.

I am, and have always been, the type of person who is organised, who knows exactly what is happening, how it is happening, and when it is happening…

And right now i am trying so hard to figure everything out in my mind, but it just keeps going round and round and round, and i cant even decide when to have a shower, or what has to be done for the rest of the day.

I have lists on the fridge and lists in my mind… Wondering what i need if i need to go out, wondering how i am going to get here or there, or what is happening next week, or even tomorrow, or even what time it is, or weather it is breakfast time or dinner time…

I know today is only the beginning, and i know that it takes weeks to get into a new lifestyle, a new routine, but right now, this morning my mind is just spinning and spinning and spinning….

And maybe that is not a bad thing, maybe it is a great thing….

It is like this week i woke up as a completely different person, with a completely different life – and its all sort of wonderful all rolled into one…  Maybe when one comes home from hospital with their first child, their old life is no more.  Maybe we go into hospital as one person and come out as a completely different version, never to return to anything we knew the day before we walked into that birthing suite.

And maybe that is why i am so dazed and confused, maybe that is how motherhood begins, as a new person, maybe its what we were all wanting all along, a chance for a new beginning, a chance to prove ourselves as someone new, a change to be the butterfly we always knew we could be…

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. Rabindranath Tagore