Day 95 in my miracles life

On the 27th of November 2009 i held onto what little hope i had left inside of me….

To say that i was confused would be an understatement, to say that i was hurting from places so deep would not be enough to describe the pain, and yet somehow we found the strength to go on, somehow a tiny whisper of hope led me to believe i could do this… That i was in fact strong enough to endure the pain and emotional torture that was to surround me for the last 33 days of 2009…

There are times in your life that you remember so clearly, every detail as fresh as the day it happened, every second saved in your memory to play back when you need it, or even when you dont – such a memory exists for me of one year and one day ago today…

As i drove home from the fertility clinic, i cried… I pulled over to the side of the road, and i cried… I screamed in hurt from a place so deep i dont care to remember it, i cried so hard that i didnt think i would ever stop, the tears kept flowing and words spilled out of my mouth… I screamed to God and i ask for a sign, i yelled in pain, i swore, and i cried that i couldnt do this anymore, that if i was to go on that there would be a sign…

That night i bleed.  And so the 28th of November 2009 began day one of the last IVF cycle my husband and i would ever have to endure.

That was day one of the quest to meet my miracle.

Day one of hardest and most rewarding IVF cycle in my husband & my lives…

Day one of the rest of my life.

Day one of the beginning of a new family…

You can call it science, you can thank the doctors, you can marvel in what technology can do for us, or you can simply call it a miracle, my miracle…

So many days over this past year the doctors scratched their heads, they shrugged their shoulders, told me it may not be….  So many days i wondered why me, i wondered why it had to be so hard, but now as i stare into the eyes of the little lady i call my miracle, i know that no matter what we went through, no matter the pain we endured… She was worth it.

And now today one year to the date that was day one, i dedicate my miracle, my little lady, my precious Jennifer to God.  To a God who heard my prayers and sent me a miracle.

Ready for the Big Day

The Beautiful bracelet From 'Nan & Pop'

Even a practice smile for the camera

The Path of the righteous is like the first gleam if dawn, shining ever so brighter till the full light of day. Proverbs 4:18

Day 94 in my miracles life

For the first time since, oh who knows, for the first time in a very long time i am actually excited about christmas….

I cant wait!

Ekkkkkkk! Today we battled the christmas crowds (yup already, took us far too long to find a park… and while im on that -dont you hate it when non pram owners park in the pram parking spot?) and we bought our first chrsitmas tree as a married couple. YUP! you heard right… Its been ten years and this is our FIRST christmas tree!

So without any further a-do….

Wilma's Christmas Stocking

Georgii Girl's Christmas Stocking

Mommy got in big trouble from daddy for labeling the stocking ‘wrong’….

Wait till he sees how mommy has labeled all the presents…. Hmmm and the embroidery on the ruffle butts that i just ordered!

We also splashed out and got little George a christmas t-shirt… I just LOVE it!

She is the BEST Christmas present EVER!

Day 93 in my miracles life

It is not often that i sit back and reflect on the decisions i have made in life, and that is mostly because i choose not to live in regret.  But this morning as i looked at all the baby bottles stacked up in the sterilizer i thought back to a few months ago, the pain i was experiencing and the emotional turmoil i put myself through.

As i looked at that sterilizer i realized i was no longer consumed with feeding, i was no longer consumed with the thought of feeding, and i realised that it no longer bothered me or stressed me out to feed my child.

Some days i still feel guilt for not sticking with breast feeding, some days i read stories of women breastfeeding, i see women breastfeeding and i feel envious and wish that that could be me, that i could have ‘loved’ it, that i could have been comfortable with it, that it could have come naturally to me… But it didnt – it was a painful struggle each day for the first month of my miracles life, and today as i look at the empty bottles i realise that switching to formula was the best decision i could have made for me.

The best decision i could have made for George and my relationship.

Each day now, instead of worrying about feeding, instead of planning the days around feed times, i spend my days playing with my daughter, laughing with her, cuddling her when she is sad, making her smile, watching our favorite shows, reading our favorite books…

Each day now we have fun, and as i looked at those silly bottles this morning i smile to myself and know in my heart that i did the right thing…

Day 92 in my miracles life

If you know me, which i know you do, you would know just how awesome i am at singing… I know i know your not meant to toot your own horn, but ask anyone, i am awe…some! I am so good at singing in fact i whole heatedly believe that if i tried out for Aussie Idol or X Factor or one of ‘those shows’ i would totally…..

Be one of the girls that gets laughed at and escorted out of the audition area…. No, for those of you who dont know me my songs are like nails running down a black board, i make glass shatter, dogs howl, and children cry….

Until my daughter came alone…. She has to be the only person on this earth who takes comfort in my songs…. So much so that these days my life has become a song.

Let me ask you a few questions.

Have you ever turned making breakfast into a song?

I have

Have you ever turned putting your make up into a song?

I have

Have you ever tried putting your undies, your bra, and your hair in an upside down bun while doing a jiggy dance and singing about it just so your daughter will stop crying?

I have…

And sadly enough, just so i can go to the toilet i have also sung about peeing!

You know that you are finally a mother when your morning routine now becomes a song…  Yup, if there is one thing i have realised over the past 92 days it is that getting ready is no longer a slap on some foundation and be out of the house in 20….

Its a song and a dance…

AND I AM LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT!

Sometimes it is all too much.  Sometimes i find myself sitting in the middle of my living room crying, feeling pain just as i have so many times before.

Why is it that we can not forget emotional pain?

Why is it that sometimes a song, a moment, a brief recollection of time leads us to tears?  Brings back forgotten emotions that we wish would just stay forgotten? Why sometimes do we let those emotions surface, when in reality they should stay hidden, forever locked in our hearts?

And why sometimes when we have everything in our lives, when finally things are on track, when emotions are just past memories being released, why does that then mean that others we love have to suffer, why when your world is in one piece, does someone elses fall apart?

Why does the pain never stop in this world?

I would suffer a thousand times over than see the ones i love suffer, i would give up everything in my world if it meant that the ones i love could have happiness, but sometimes its not possible, sometimes its just not fair.

Sometimes it really is just too much.

Today, as i sit on the living room floor, as i hear of so much happiness, as i look into the eyes of my happiness, i wonder why sometimes the people i love are hurting, why sometimes the people i love are sitting wondering why the world is being so cruel.

I sit and i cry, and i wonder why….

Sometimes it really is just too much.

Day 89 in my miracles life

It had been 12 weeks, 3 days and 10 hours since i had had a full nights sleep…. I am not talking a wondrous 6 hour stint… But rather since i had had at least 8 hours continuous…

Four weeks ago i was exhausted i didnt know how much longer i could go on without having a good nights sleep, i didnt know how to approch getting my little baby to sleep through the night….

It turns out there is no secret, there is no magical trick, there is no right or wrong way, there is no answers in any book…

Just a little lady that decided she didnt need a midnight feast anymore…

For the past two nights, my little lady has slept through without waking, i thought the first night was a fluke, i thought that it wouldnt happen again, and in fact my husband and i had discussed ‘teaching’ the little one to sleep through when he was on holidays in december…

It seems that babies do what is right for them, they know when they are ready, they know what is best for them, without the need to be ‘taught’ sometimes….

The events of the past two nights have taught me a valuable lesson…. Each baby is different, and while others babies may have been the ones to sleep through the moment they came home from the hospital, and while others babies may have been the ones to have ‘easy’ sleep patterns and routines… My baby didnt… And that is ok, because i survived, and i will continue to survive knowing that i didnt do anything wrong, knowing that sometimes you just have to close your ears to the world around you, to the harmless comments of others and just go with the flow…

And while my child has slept through the past few nights, it seems that now i have to relearn to sleep through myself…. Re-train my body clock NOT to wake at 2am

Day 87 in my miracles life

AmmaBanana!

Yup i am in trouble, i gave my little lady some banana! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. The clouds have parted and the lords of all things parental fail have come down to scorch me with his flaming fork….

Ok so maybe not, but i am in trouble with my husband…

I gave Jennifer some banana the other day…

Just a smidgy on my finger tip…

AND SHE LOVED IT!

So i gave her some more, and some more and some more…  Which totaled to about four licks of my finger…

I am no fool, i am not a naive parent, i know solids are introduced slowly, and i know that four months is the earliest, and i wont introduce anything else before then…

Buuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttt

Surly a little banana flavor now and then wont hurt…?

Day 86 in my miracles life

Sometimes i get into a world of self pity and turmoil.

Lately i have been in a world of personal hate and depression.

I have everything in this world, but i still let myself get down, i still let the pain i was suffering get to me, i still let my depression get the better of me…. And even worse i let it get the better of my relationship…

How could i do this, how could i be so selfish, and why was it, is it, only on the weekends that i feel so low, that i feel so worthless, that i feel so depressed and angry? Why am i a different person on the weekends then i am during the week?

I realised it is because today, even though i was in pain, even though i was still the same weight as i was yesterday, today even though nothing in my life was different… Today i achieved something for myself, by myself…. Today i was working toward something, today i had structure and today most importantly i could accept myself…

But why?

Because i got up when my alarm went off, because i pulled out our pram, because i put in my earphones, and ran…

And ran….

And ran….

I ran for as long as i could for as hard as i could.

I got breathless.

I got messy.

I screamed just to push myself that little bit harder…

And i beat my personal best time.

I ACHIEVED something!

Something for me.

It made me feel on top of the world, and when i picked up my baby from the pram, when i held her at arms length puffing, out of breath with a raw red face – she giggled at me.

I achieved something and my beautiful daughter giggled at me…  I felt on top of the tallest highest mountain, i felt invincible, i felt like i could do anything and everything….

Like i can do anything and everything…

All from a run.

I had forgotten how much i loved to run.