You may love me or hate me, and more than likely you will want to curse at me but before you judge me just know that i am being honest and true, that these are the emotions that as a new mom i feel.

Yesterday i read a Guest post over at Random Ramblings of a SAHM and i have to say that it evoked some emotions for me.  Super dad made a comment that really hit home for me

“The working world gets two days off from their jobs, away from their co-workers and clients/customers. Stay at home parents really do not get that time away, not even when their spouse comes home.”

Lately i have been feeling overwhelmed, like at times it is too much, i am feeling like it is becoming too much, and that i am bogged down with “work” and have little time for “fun”.  I dont mean fun as in i want to go out and party, or fun as in i want to be alone, i mean fun as in playing with my daughter, being the one who gets the giggles, being the one who she smiles at when i enter the room… Sometimes i really just want to have the “fun” times with my daughter without the stressful times, without the crying and without the monotony.  It sounds like i am a terrible person, i sound so selfish and yes, yes i hate myself for feeling this way, but sometimes, just sometimes i want to be the “fun” parent – not the discipline parent.

I call my husband the “fun” daddy.  When there are smiles and giggles and talking – he is all there and yes, yes he changes nappies and rocks her when she is crying, and yes he takes her for an hour a day while i regain my sanity at the gym (lord knows where i would be without that hour a day) I love my husband dearly, but there are the times where i just want him to be more, and maybe that is unfair for me to say, maybe i am being selfish – he does support me and our daughter, but sometimes, well sometimes i just want him to stop joking and have a serious conversation about the future of our daughter and our relationships & rules with her, sometimes i just want him to make a decision without asking me first, i am scared of becoming the “strict” parent, the parent that has to enforce all the rules, the parent that never takes a break, the parent that doesnt get the smiles and giggles.

This week everyone is on holidays.  Except stay at home moms and dads.  While everyone else is having much needed “time off” the stay at home moms and dads do not.  And to be honest, as this is the first time my husband has been on holidays while i am at home, i am finding it really hard.  I am finding it hard to watch someone “play” with their christmas toys and enjoy their holiday while i am still “working”, i am finding it hard to not expect help, and not expect my husband to take the baby for a while so i can have a “holiday” i know i should not expect this as my dear husband needs a bit of R & R from his job, but it makes me wonder when i will get a break, when will i get to simply be there for the giggles, and have a day off from poo’s?

Again i know this sounds so selfish, and maybe i dont really want a day off, maybe i just want the illusion that i would be “allowed” a day off once in a while when i choose,i dont know, all i know is that this is all my hearts desires, that being a mom is everything to me, but there comes a time when i just want to sit down to eat my dinner too, when i just want a good 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, that when the baby stirs i dont get woken up with “should you cover your daughters feet” that when she has a poo explosion i dont get called with “mommy ive done a poo explosion, come change me” (yes yes my husband does say that when she does a number 3)

I love my new life, i honestly wouldnt change it for the world, my heart is full.  But so very selfishly sometimes, just sometimes i dream of having a day where i can be the “fun” mommy.

I cant believe it is here
I cant believe how fast time has flown
I cant believe just how excited i became
And I cant believe that for the first time i am truly happy.

No words can describe the feeling
No words can express the emotions
No words can convey what is truly in my heat
And no words will ever be enough for this moment in my life.

Today all the wishes of years past came true
Today Christmas became real in my heart
Today the torment of past years left my mind
And today all my hopes and dreams became reality.

December 25, 2010 i was part of a family, a real family.
There was a mother, there was a father
And there was a precious baby girl
My precious baby girl.

Day 122 in my miracles life

Twas the night before baby Georgii’s first Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The Christmas tree lights flickered with expectation,
The parents waiting for tomorrow with hope and anticipation.

Dear Georgii Girl was nestled all snug in her bed,
While precious visions of Christmas day ran through her mothers head.
Her father tossed and turned, her puppy restless too,
This was the Christmas they always dreamed would come true.

Hours and minutes linger with nothing a decoy,
As excitement took over bringing so much love and joy.
With darkness all around and lightness a while away,
The parents still tossed and turned, the emotions hard to convey.

As time ticked by and the sun began to rise,
The parents rolled over and opened their eyes.
They rose from their beds and together they smiled,
Today was the first Christmas with their precious miracle child….

Day 117 in my miracles life

There are few things that irritate me more in this life than sticky beaks…

I am a slight sticky beak myself, but when it comes to mothers knowing best or even a woman knowing her body and her mind – i let it be, if a woman says this is the way it is, then that is the way it is, full stop end of story.

But it seems to me lately that others think that they know me and my life, and the decisions i am making in my life, better than i do, it seems to me that other women know my mind, they know what i want, and they even have the nerve to tell me that i will change my mind…

Well ladies i have news for you… I am not you, and NO i am not going to change my mind!

A few months ago i posted that i knew i was not going to have any more children, that after all i had been through it was quite clear in my mind that this was it, that i had no urge to rush to the fertility clinic and get “impregnated” again.  Hey i may change my mind later – there is no reason why i cant, and my family seems to have accepted this, but it seems all the other sticky beak woman in the world cannot accept that someone may only want to have one child.

The other morning i went shopping.  Fun right? It was, great company, nice things to look at, wonderful helpful staff – until they opened their big sticky beaking mouths! Not once, not twice, not even three times, but more like four or five – could have been every store i went into – commented on my beautiful child, no not the problem, then asked if she was my first, no not the problem, the problem then came when the ladies each said something along the lines of “wait until you have another one running around” and of course me being the honest person i am simply said “oh no there wont be another!” to which in each situation the ladies responded with “yes you will, just you wait and see” or “you will change your mind” or “dont be silly, of course your having another child”

SCUSE ME?

In most of the shops i responded to their banter with comments like “with all that i went through, no their wont be another child” or “i always only wanted one precious daughter” or “maybe when the cows come home” but it seems that that wasnt enough for these ladies to know just what my future had in hold for me.  One lady even told me that it would happen even though it didnt want it too, i mentioned i was on the pill she looked at me horrified and asked me why on earth i would go on the pill…

UMMM BECAUSE I JUST SAID THAT I DIDNT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN!

So why on earth is it that in this world im not allowed to have only one child, why is it so unusual that i only wanted to have one daughter, that all my life ive only wanted one child, why am i strange or weird and why is it that other ladies think they know me better than me? Why do other woman tell me that i am going to change my mind?

They puzzle me.

It is nice to be a sticky beak, to ask how old, or say she is cute, its nice to strike up friendly conversations about how are lives are similar, but you know what… If i say im not going to have another child just stop talking, dont try to change my mind, dont try to tell me that you did so i will, i dont want to hear it, go back to telling me how cute my off spring is – then i might buy the garment im looking at in your store!

Day 113 in my miracles life

Sometimes i wish i didnt care how i looked.  Sometimes i just wish that i couldnt care less about what i put in my mouth, sometimes i just wish, i just wish that i found it easier.

There are more important things in life i know, but some days i just wish that i could accept myself and just like the lady looking back at me.  I am tired from trying so hard and getting no where, i am tired of wondering why ive lost 7kg only to feel like i havent lost a thing, i am tired of being ridiculed for eating so healthy and i am tired of others not understanding when i say no.

I hate that i feel guilty for enjoying a latte, i hate that i feel guilty for not wanting to eat what a friend offers me at their house, i hate when i feel so tired but make myself exercise twice a day because i dont like my reflection, i just hate that i feel so guilty all the time, and that i feel like i am getting no where.

Some times i really understand why people give up, why some times having a strong willed mind just isnt enough…

Its no ones fault, but its hard.  Some times it is hard to love who you are….