You may love me or hate me, and more than likely you will want to curse at me but before you judge me just know that i am being honest and true, that these are the emotions that as a new mom i feel.
Yesterday i read a Guest post over at Random Ramblings of a SAHM and i have to say that it evoked some emotions for me. Super dad made a comment that really hit home for me
“The working world gets two days off from their jobs, away from their co-workers and clients/customers. Stay at home parents really do not get that time away, not even when their spouse comes home.”
Lately i have been feeling overwhelmed, like at times it is too much, i am feeling like it is becoming too much, and that i am bogged down with “work” and have little time for “fun”. I dont mean fun as in i want to go out and party, or fun as in i want to be alone, i mean fun as in playing with my daughter, being the one who gets the giggles, being the one who she smiles at when i enter the room… Sometimes i really just want to have the “fun” times with my daughter without the stressful times, without the crying and without the monotony. It sounds like i am a terrible person, i sound so selfish and yes, yes i hate myself for feeling this way, but sometimes, just sometimes i want to be the “fun” parent – not the discipline parent.
I call my husband the “fun” daddy. When there are smiles and giggles and talking – he is all there and yes, yes he changes nappies and rocks her when she is crying, and yes he takes her for an hour a day while i regain my sanity at the gym (lord knows where i would be without that hour a day) I love my husband dearly, but there are the times where i just want him to be more, and maybe that is unfair for me to say, maybe i am being selfish – he does support me and our daughter, but sometimes, well sometimes i just want him to stop joking and have a serious conversation about the future of our daughter and our relationships & rules with her, sometimes i just want him to make a decision without asking me first, i am scared of becoming the “strict” parent, the parent that has to enforce all the rules, the parent that never takes a break, the parent that doesnt get the smiles and giggles.
This week everyone is on holidays. Except stay at home moms and dads. While everyone else is having much needed “time off” the stay at home moms and dads do not. And to be honest, as this is the first time my husband has been on holidays while i am at home, i am finding it really hard. I am finding it hard to watch someone “play” with their christmas toys and enjoy their holiday while i am still “working”, i am finding it hard to not expect help, and not expect my husband to take the baby for a while so i can have a “holiday” i know i should not expect this as my dear husband needs a bit of R & R from his job, but it makes me wonder when i will get a break, when will i get to simply be there for the giggles, and have a day off from poo’s?
Again i know this sounds so selfish, and maybe i dont really want a day off, maybe i just want the illusion that i would be “allowed” a day off once in a while when i choose,i dont know, all i know is that this is all my hearts desires, that being a mom is everything to me, but there comes a time when i just want to sit down to eat my dinner too, when i just want a good 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, that when the baby stirs i dont get woken up with “should you cover your daughters feet” that when she has a poo explosion i dont get called with “mommy ive done a poo explosion, come change me” (yes yes my husband does say that when she does a number 3)
I love my new life, i honestly wouldnt change it for the world, my heart is full. But so very selfishly sometimes, just sometimes i dream of having a day where i can be the “fun” mommy.
