Day 154 in my miracles life

I am very blessed.  Period.  Yes i struggled to get to where i am today, but ultimately i am undeniably blessed.  I have been reading a lot of my online friends discussions and even some of my ‘real life’ friends have been talking about going back to work, i knew i would have to think about it one day and i knew that i would have to one day realise that money doesnt grow on trees (why not god dam it?) and that means i one day will have to go back to work, but i never thought that i might actaully want to go back to work, and i never really thought i would be thinking about it so soon.

Lately i have been thinking about work, thinking about calling my boss to arrange what may or may not be possible for my return, and thinking so much about if it is really what i want to do or if it is something i have to do.  And i am honestly not sure.

A part of me wants to go back to work for the interaction and routine, for a sense of accomplishment each day, for my own metal state, and of course for some much needed cash (bloomin floods upping the price of vegetables! Who pays $7.00 for a cauliflower? Well i do because it is on the vegetable yes list!) But another part of me is scared – so scared to leave my little miracle in someone elses care.

To give you an idea, i really struggle leaving george even with my husband for an hour when i go to the gym, how on earth would i cope for a whole day? A WHOLE DAY?  Now i know that there will come a point where i do not have a choice and i must go back to work, but in my mind i am thinking that if i can go back just a little each week, if i can just get a little extra cash each week, then the savings that we have MAY be able to last until my little one is ready to go to school… Therefore i would, in the long term, be able to spent more time with george – rather than spending six more months with no work and having to go back full time as we would have no money left….

I dont know!

I know i am blessed because i have already had six months with my little one, but weeellll she is just getting a real personality, she is just learning to roll and sit, and i cant imagine the pain i would feel if my mother in law rang me and said that she learned to walk while i was away working…

Oh what to do, what to do, what on earth to do?!?!?

Day 153 in my miracles life

I had a dream last night, no it was a nightmare.

I woke up in tears, scared of what my mind had created, frightened of the dark that surrounded me.  As the tears streamed down my face i went to my daughters room, i turned on the light not caring if i woke her and looked at her angelic face as she slept.  I watched her breathing and rested my hand on her chest just to make sure she was ok.

I dont know why our imagination creates such horrible images and situations that wake us in the middle of the evening leaving us wondering if in fact it was reality or a sick nightmare, but i do know that last night when i woke that this nightmare would never be forgotten.

Last night i had a dream that my daughter was sick, i was in a car park, a nurse delivered the news and i screamed, i screamed until it hurt, it felt so real, and all i could think all that was running through my mind is that i had to hold her, i had to get to her and hold her, but the nurse wouldnt let me, the nurse wouldnt tell me where my daughter was.  I screamed one more time and woke up.

All i can say is thank god i woke up, thank god it was some sick and twisted dream, but it scared me.  Why is my mind creating such morbid illusions?  How could my mind dare to think of something so cruel, how could any part of me think about such horrific things?

Day 152 in my miracles life

This morning i lost it.  I lost it because i am tired, i lost it because in all my ranting and raving , because in all my temper, in all that i lost it over all i really wanted was a hug, all i really need is a hug, and not just from anyone, i need a hug from my husband.  I need a hug from the one person who is meant to get me, from the one person who is meant to be there for me, but this morning as i lost it, my husband wouldnt give me a hug.

Sometimes i feel un appreciated, sometimes i feel like i am nothing to anyone – especially my husband, when i walk into a room Jennifer is greeted first, sometimes i am even forgotten, sometimes when i walk into a room i feel like i am seen merely as the woman who carries the child that everyone loves.  It is ok, people do not mean any harm, my husband doesnt mean to forget to say hello to me too, and it is ok because i do not write this for people to feel sorry for me, i simply write this to get it off my chest, to feel better about myself.

I dont understand myself why i feel the need to be told that i am doing a good job, i dont understand why i feel that i need my husband to tell me i am beautiful, i dont understand myself why i just want him to understand that looking after our daughter day in and day out is more than just a holiday, i dont know why it bothers me so much, but it does, and sometimes i think everything would be ok if, i dont know if i was more confident in myself, if i wasnt so insecure, and sometimes i think it would all be ok if my husband would just give me a hug.

I dont want to be felt sorry for and i dont want anyone to think that they can fix this, because the truth is we are the ones that need to fix this, we both need to work together to fix what is broken.  I know this because i know that love is shared, love is something between two people – it is not one sided just as our problems are not one sided.  I know that the love my husband and i have for each other will survive my insecurities, it will survive the issues we think we have with each other.  I dont want to be felt sorry for because i know that in the end our love will come past the struggles we face today and we will be stronger for it.

This morning i lost it, but this afternoon as i write away my hurt and anger, i know that things will be ok, because as i wrote i remembered that we survived infertility, and i know that was the worst thing my husband and i ever faced, and we faced it and over came it together.

So together we will overcome this new struggle.

Day 151 in my miracles life

Have you ever wondered when the sun is shining and the skies are blue and you are enjoying the peace what others are doing, what others are thinking, and what memories others like you are creating right at that point in time?

Weekends are for memories, weekends are the days that we remember, the days that we pull from our memories when all seems sad, when all seems lost.

When i was younger my family and i would go for drives, long boring drives.  As a child i hated them, i wondered of the purpose and i thought they were the most boring way to spend a saturday morning.  This morning i realised something, i realised that i am all growned up, because this morning my husband and i, my daughter and her half brother hopped in the car and we went for a drive.  We drove out to one of the flood effected country towns not far from here and looked at the devastation the water created.  As we drove along my husband gave a running commentary of the scenery and as i looked out the window i thought to myself, he sounds just like my father used to, and as i turned to look at my step son, sure enough he looked just as bored as i used to be when i was his age.

It was a wonderful morning, i know my little george is too young to remember it, but i know in years to come we will still be heading out to the country side going for pointless drives, talking about pointless things, simply just enjoying what nature has to offer.  I understand now why my parents used to take us for drives, why we were put in the car to stare out at the scenery…  I now appreciate those days and know that in years to come when there is nothing else to be done on a weekend my little george will whinge and whine that we are taking her on one of those very boring saturday morning drives

Day 150 in my miracles life

Last night i woke again at 2am, every muscle in my body hurt, i could barley get out of bed to get myself to the bathroom.  Exhaustion overcomes me most nights these days, the quest to get thin is really consuming me, and in my mind the only way i can control my need, the only way i feel better is through exercise.

I have no idea why i am like this, since signing up to the gym the year i got married i have become one of those gym junkie people, i enjoy letting loose and just taking a half hour twice a day for myself.

Most mornings i wake like everyone else and i want to stay in bed, but a part of me just switches on and i tell myself that its only half an hour, that i will be heading home in just 30 minutes, and most mornings that is enough to get myself up and to the gym where i spend that 30 minutes lost in a world of music and sweat, where i spend 30 minutes living my life for me.

It is friday today and this morning as i woke i just thought to myself two more workouts, two more workouts and it is the weekend, my body hurts my mind is tired, but somewhere inside there is a voice that just says “you have to, you have to, you have to” sometimes i wonder if i would loose more weight quicker if i just stopped working out so hard and ate less, but then i know in my heart that i am much better off maintaining a healthy life style then opting for a fad diet.

Some times when i wake in the middle of the night, or even when i get back from my weekly weigh in & training session i get myself so depressed about my results and so worked up about not being the weight i want to be i almost go into a hibernation state hiding out in my bedroom my husband too scared to ask me what is wrong because he knows i am hating the way i look once again.

But sometimes, or maybe i should say most times, it is not about my vanity, sometimes i exhaust myself because it makes me feel good, sometimes just spending those 30 minutes away from my life, as much as i love my life, sometimes it helps just to take a time out and revitalize my mind through a good run, through knowing that i am setting a healthy example for my family, through knowing that i am not the one to sit on the couch, i am getting out there and, at least in theory, doing something about my emotions toward my image.

I guess in all that i have said, being me means exhausting myself and while some days i look in the mirror and hate my reflection, most days i know in my heart that its not about the mirror, it is about the woman inside…

Day 149 in my miracles life

I realised this morning at 2am that i havent had the chance to journel and express my every emotion for some time now.  After blogging non stop each day for a year i thought i wouldnt need to blog so much, and i had thought that it would be good to have a break from trying to ‘think’ of something to write every day.  But last night as i lay awake – much like i do each night at that time, i realised that a small part of me misses writing a journel everyday, getting all that is on my chest off, so i have made the decision to post for a week, just about me and my emotions, what i am feeling no matter if it is miracle related or not.  So take it or leave it, this is a week in the life of the real me – as a mom.

So much has changed for me over the past five months, so much of me is a different person.  I had thought that when i meet my little miracle girl that i would never have another worry in the world, oh how i was so wrong, i really was just so wrong about that.  These days i not only worry about myself, i worry about my baby and her future.  There are some days where i sit and wonder about the days and months to come and weather or not i will be able to afford the best things i want to afford not only for myself but for my baby girl too.  I wonder about the schools she will go to, and i wonder if i will have the money i will need to let her do all the things she will want to do.

There are days where i wonder if i am teaching her the right things, days where i wonder if she was meant to have learned to roll over months ago, if she should be sitting up by herself already, if she should crawl soon, if i treat her right, if i am reading to her enough, i wonder if i let her sleep to much, if i feed her too much, there are days when i sit and wonder if i am helping her or simply hindering her – and there are days where i wonder if it really matters what i think, and days where i know i should just sit back and let her be.

Some days i sit and wonder about the year that has been, i think back to my pregnancy and how even though i worried so much there were some of the best days of my life within those nine months.  I think back and remember just how much i enjoyed indulging on all the foods that i never allow myself to eat, i think back on how much i enjoyed baking and eating the items i baked, i remember just how much fun it was to come home at night and share so much excitement for the future with my husband, i think back and almost like magic the fear i experienced has disappeared and only the good memories remain.  And some days i even miss being pregnant and all the wonderful emotions that surrounded the excitment and joy of the one special miracle pregnancy i experienced.

Mostly when i am alone standing over the crib looking at my baby girl i wonder if she knows just how much i will always love her, and that no matter what all the worry and wondering that goes through my mind is worth it, i hope she knows just how worth it she is…