Another day in my memory

Day 137 in my miracles life

I cant help it, i really cant.  All my life i have had a habit; call it bad or good i am still not sure myself, but when an event happens, or when a holiday season passes, when a new year comes about, when we celebrate a birthday i must think back to the previous year and remember what i was doing, where i was, and i make myself take note of all that has changed in my life.

I dont know why i do it, i dont know if it is good or bad, but i do it, and of late when we celebrate a significant milestone i cant help but to read and remember what happened a year ago.

January 8 2010 i can remember it as clear as it was yesterday, i know i have said that about so many times about the month of december and january last year, but these months, the struggles i faced, the memories are imprinted on my mind forever, and i believe there will not be a day until i die that the memory wont be fresh and real.

It was 3am and as per normal our puppy was sleeping at my feet, it was pitch black and as silent and still as any other summers night until from the corner of the room a loud ringing began.  I stumbled out of bed waking the puppy and my husband, but the ringing stopped before i could find the phone in the darkness of the night.  The phone began ringing again, almost with more urgency than the first time, i knew it was an important call and i knew i had to answer it urgently, i just couldnt find the phone quickly enough.  As the ringing stopped again before i could get the call my husband rolled over and said to me “your sister is in labor”

I knew that was the reason for the call, i knew i had to call her back but for some reason my phone was playing up and i couldnt make the call back to her.  I was shaking with excitement and as quickly as i could i hopped into the shower to wake myself up.  As i grabbed a towel and dried myself off i picked up my phone and dialed again.

“My waters just broke”  “oh golly, ill get there as soon as i can” i was just so excited, i dont know why the emotions were overcoming me, i just dont know why i was crying but everything was happening so quickly and i can remember thinking that i was just as excited as if it were my own coming into this world.  I drove down the freeway with not another soul on the road and even though i knew it would be hours yet i drove faster than the speed of light just so i could be with my sister.

I have never have been through a natural labor myself so i am not sure what it would feel like to an expectant mother in labor, but for me minutes past like hours and as the time ticked along i was getting more and more impatient to meet my little nephew.  It was 7am, my brother in law was asleep and i knew that in 2 hours i had to be at my own doctors for a follow up appointment.  In normal circumstances i would have been nervous and worried about the impending appointment, as i had been told that my hormones wernt supporting what could have been a pregnancy, but today all i cared about was being there for my sister, i wanted to hold her hand and tell her it would be alright, and when the time came, i honestly wanted to be there to greet my precious little nephew into the world.

I said a little prayer and as 8.30am rolled around i said good bye to my sister and told her that she wasnt to have that child until 11:45am or at least until i could make it back.  As i walked outside i noticed it was a little overcast and there were a few spits of rain on my car, its funny that when you dont wake up to the weather, or when you miss the sun rising that outside surprises you – that day i can remember thinking just how surprised i was by the rain, and for the second time that day i took risk into my own hands and drove at the speed of light to make it to my appointment on time.

When i entered the clinic, when i sat in the chair, and when i looked around me all the nerves for this appointment that i was meant to have came flooding in, i could barley breath.  It seemed that the moment i entered the fertility clinic, my sister and my nephew were a mile away in my mind, now that i was here i just wanted to find out some good news for myself, i just wanted to know if i was pregnant or if my varying hormone levels was some cruel joke the lord was playing on me.

I sat in that same chair and i watched the same monitor as i always did, everything seemed so monotonous, like each visit was a repeat of the one before, never any good news, never anything different, always the same old empty uterus.  But that day was different, on that day, the day that still feels like it was yesterday, the monotony was broken, it didnt bring me the hope i needed, and it didnt ease my mind one bit, but that day sitting in that chair was the first day i didnt see an empty uterus, that day was the day i saw a void.  That day was the day where while there wasnt much hope left inside of me, was the day i was told that there was a “slight” chance i was pregnant.  As i sat with the doctor i can remember looking her in the eye and asking the most honest question i had ever asked, i asked honestly what the chances of the pregnancy being viable was, and without hesitation my doctor looked me in the eyes and said the words that i will never ever forget. One third chance miscarriage, one third chance ectopic, and one third chance pregnant.  One third chance, i heard one third chance, but at the same time my mind was also telling me that meant two thirds the chance that once again i would bleed the child inside of me out.

I looked up at the clock on the wall and realised that now it was past 10am, i didnt have time for doting on the news, i didnt even have time to wonder what it meant or what i was meant to feel about it, all i knew was that i had to get back to my sister and forget that this news could either be the best news of my life or the worst news of my life, i had to hop in my car and i had to drive faster than the speed of light and get back to my sister, for in my mind, as selfish as it seems, all i could think was if i couldnt have my own, i would share my nephew.

As i arrived at the hospital, all the traveling, the news and the early start finally hit me and before i could even get to a bathroom i leaned over a bin and vomited, and as quickly as it came the overwhelming feeling and nausea past and i ran as fast as i could to the ward where my sister was now just moments away from giving birth to my nephew.  As i entered the room i can remember looking at my sister and wondering what it would be like, what it would be like to be her, to be moments away from having a precious son, moments away from meeting the child you have felt inside of you for nine months, i looked into her eyes and for a brief moment i felt envious, i wanted what she had, i wanted to be a mom, but again as quickly as the emotions overcame me they left, and as my sister let out a massive scream in pain i no longer envied her.

I will never understand the emotions of a woman in labor, but i have to say that the hour that i stood there holding my sisters hand helping her through what looked like the most painful, emotional and yet life changing experience of her life, while cant claim the position of the best moment in my life does come pretty close to it.  And at the end of it, just 33 minutes earlier than i predicted at 11.12am my nephew entered the world.

To be honest most of the moments that followed the birth of my nephew are still a blur, but i can say with all sincerity that it took everything inside of me not to burst out crying, it took every ounce of courage i had not to fall onto the floor in tears, i love my sister more than she will ever know, but on that day while i was so happy i could burst, i was also so sad.  I wanted it to be me, i wanted to be looking into the eyes of my new child, and as i rubbed my belly i looked to the ceiling and prayed that a one third chance miracle would happen to me, that it was my turn now.

I left my beautiful sister and her handsome son that afternoon and headed home, it had been one of the longest days of my life, and yet as i drove home in what had now become a beautiful, sunny summers day i felt overwhelmingly happy, in that moment staring into the sunshine i knew that a life had been born into the arms of two amazing and loving parents.  I saw someone give all they have into giving life to a child, and even now it makes me cry and smile all at the same time.  In that moment, my faith had been restored, in that moment i believed in miracles, and in that moment i was happy for the first time in what seemed like forever.

January 8 2010 my nephew was born, and January 8 2010 was the first day that there was even but the slightest chance that i was actually pregnant – yes January 8 2010 i will remember forever, and i am even lucky enough to know that i will get to celebrate that date each year by showering my nephew in love.