Day 216 in my miracles life
They say you should write how you feel, they say you should express your emotions, tell it how it is, write it as you feel it so that the emotions dont overcome you, dont become you, so that whatever it is that is holding you back can be freed from within and your life and the people within it will not be consumed by your emotions…
Thats what they said, what someone said, and what i do… And believe it or not it helps.
I am angry. So angry. A large part of me is just so angry and i dont know why. I dont know who i am angry at, maybe i am still angry at God, maybe i am angry at myself and maybe i am angry at the world that surrounds me – i dont know, all i know is that inside there is anger.
Each morning i wake and i am grateful for the world that i live in, for the things that surround me, for the life i lead, and if it is one thing i am sure of it is that i am happy and that no matter how much i want in life, no matter how much i think that i need certain things, i know deep down that i have all that i need – i have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and the family that i dreamed of for so long – but no matter how many mornings i sit and watch the sunrise in awe of its beauty filled with happiness there is still a part of me that is angry.
Each month when emotions are running high, when there is no control, when i cant stop the feelings from escaping me, i get angry, so angry that it scares me. I turn into this person that isnt me, that is uncontrolable a person so filled with rage that she screams and yells at the people she loves the most in this world… And i am tired of it, i am tired of letting my anger escape me and i am scared that one day the people who are here to support me, one day they wont be able to take my anger anymore and they will leave.
I want to know why i am so angry, why once a month i cant control it, why once a month women must endure not only pain and discomfort but uncontrolable emotions as well… And i want to know why my emotion is anger – What made me so angry?
When i have everything, when i am happy, when i am grateful and filled with love – why am i so angry?
