Day 248 in my miracles life

It is 9pm and i am sitting in my bathroom in the dark, alone.  I have tears in my eyes.  I have just finished watching Julie & Julia.  I have watched the movie a hundred times before and it seems that of those 100 times just one scene sticks in my mind, and maybe tonight was just not the night for that scene.

I am sitting here in the dark being reminded that it still hurts, that this curse is a burden i will carry until the day i die.  I dont know what it is i dont know why i still feel this way, and i surely dont know why i still let it hurt me so, but for some reason deep inside it still hurts, i still sit here in the dark, on the floor with tears in my eyes when i am reminded of the pain i went through to fall pregnant.

Its not fair.

I dont know why its still not fair, but its not fair.

When i hear about strangers falling pregnant, for some godforsaken reason it still hurts.

When i think about babies, about people having babies, about people having many babies, for some godforsaken reason it still hurts.

And when people still ask me when we are having more, why i have said we are not having anymore… For some godforsaken reason -  it takes everything inside of me to keep it together…

Maybe that is why i am not together.

Maybe that is why it is 9pm on a saturday evening and im sitting here, on the cold tiles, with tears in my eyes.

It shouldnt hurt.

I shouldnt be sad.

It should be in the past.

These emotions should be well gone.

They should be gone,

And i should be happy.

But instead i am angry.

And i am hurting.

Infertility is a curse, an incurable curse… Its your body failing you and your mind tricking you. Infertility takes away a peice of your soul and it haunts you…

When you think you have overcome it, when your heart is filled with so much love that it actually hurts, when you have everything you could have ever dreamed -  your past pops up, you are reminded of what you went through to get to where you are, you are shown what may have been, that others arnt as lucky as you were, and it haunts you….

It is the last day of infertility awareness week.…  I dont think half the people i know really understand how painful infertility was or is – past and present – before or after – in 2009 or today in 2011… And often when a stranger stops to talk about your child, your experiences, your past, and your childs present, often they cant help but to notice the tear that rolls down your cheek… But they never ask….

Day 247 in my miracles life

To my dearest little miracle,

I want to tell you a secret…  I want to tell you about the lady who gave you your hair.

Two years ago, the year that was 2009, the year that i learned so very much in life, the year that made me who i am today, the year that i searched for you with all that was inside of me, the year that i thought i couldnt go on, the year that i thought i had lost my hope and faith in god, the year that changed me forever – that was the year that i found out there was someone out there who cared so much for me, for us, that they spent each night saying a prayer, believing that no matter what god would answer that prayer…

My miracle, while many people hoped for you, there was one woman who said to me that she knew you were coming, one soul that told me i just had to be patient, one soul that gave me a hug and told me that it would be ok… That woman was your great grandmother, that woman was the lady who gave you your hair.

I wish there was a way to take you back in time to meet the woman that i knew to be my grandma, i wish there was a way you could see through my eyes the wonderful memories i have of my grandmother – your great grandmother, not only of the times two years ago that she held my hand in church as i cried & told me it was ok, but of the times she took me in and let me sleep in her sofa bed when i was a teenager – when she waited for me to come home after my midnight shift just to make me drink a hot cup of milk before i went to bed, the times she took me out to lunch as a little girl only to have me say ‘i want grilled cheese sandwhiches’…

I sit here wishing that there was a way you could have meet your great grandmother in a better time, in a time when she would have been able to get to know you, hold you, been able to tell you just what a miracle you really are, in a time when you would have remembered..

But i guess my little one that is why we have memories and why i will always, always have stories to tell you of the lady who gave you your hair…

With all the love that is in my heart,

Love from a mother that is.

Day 240 in my miracles life

I was watching Dr Phil today and i realised something. (I do think that is the purpose of Dr Phil… hmmmm)

How i hope to define success to my child, to my children.

I love my father, i love him with everything there is inside of me and my heart cries because i know that with everything that happened, with all that he went through, he only did his best, he did what he knew was right… And i am sorry daddy but sometimes i think that the pressures i faced, the pressure that was sometimes put on me, the way that i felt success was portrayed to me – was unnecessary, was not as it should have been portrayed…

I was brought up with the incentive that every A grade i received was worth a dollar… The harder you worked the more the money incentive… It was a good incentive, i strived hard, through high school i did my chores as i was expected to do, i studied on friday nights, i studied on saturdays, and on sunday that i got a day off… I worked at school i came home and worked on my assignments and studies, i was good… I dont believe i complained i dont believe i missed out on spending time with friends (i didnt have many, but i did get to hang out with the ones i really cared about) and the incentive was money… With the ultimate incentive being $1000 and a pet cat (dont ask that is another story all together) if i reached an OP score of 1 (the highest score out of 25 given at the end of our final year at school, the number that deems all children ‘good’ enough to enter college)…

My whole high school experience was put to a monetary value, and in some ways it was a good lesson to learn – the harder you work the more money you earn… All in all a good lesson for life right? Maybe… But i also think that is isnt the only lesson and i also believe with all my heart that we should be shown the true meaning of success as we grow up, shown what working hard can really achieve, and we should be taught that sometimes money cant buy us what we really want or need from this life…

So much pressure is put on writing essays, on remembering information, on spitting out answers to questions that only have a right or wrong answer, so much pressure to get that grade to get into college to be the lawyer or doctor that your parents always dreamed you would be… And the truth is, or the truth as i see it, is as we grow up as our minds develop we shouldnt be seeing success as a career or success as how much money we have earned, what college we attended, what scores we achieved, or even as what the other people in our lives see us as or think we have or dont have…

We should be shown and taught that success is in your heart, success is being happy…  That each persons success is their own success, that your success is different to my success…  That working hard for the things YOU want in life is reward enough, achievement because you earned it, success is being fulfilled, feeling alive, being happy, having a smile on your face even when you failed because you know you gave it your all and that you can always try again…

Maybe it is different for others, maybe a part of me is just tired of being judged by others by what i do, maybe a part of me thinks i am not living up to what my father wanted of me or dreamed of me, maybe i just want to make sure my special kind of crazy doesnt rub of on my george… But i know in my heart that i am going to promise myself not to place the pressures i was placed under onto my children….  I know that i want to do all that i can to ensure that my child grows up knowing that no matter what they do in their life so long as they are happy healthy active and loved then they are all that they are meant to be, they are successful.

I want to pass on the message that happiness is success… That waking up in the morning looking out into the sunrise, doing what you love most of all, whatever it may be- that is success.  Strive for the best, but strive to do what makes you happy…

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be George Sheehan

Day 239 in my miracles life

I read back now on the days, weeks and months before George was born and i realise just how unprepared for being a mother i was.  I had no idea it would be so challenging and i had no idea just how emotional the first six months would be, and even though i had many people telling me it was not going to be easy, i wouldnt hear it… I couldnt hear it, and i dont think that any mother expecting her first child no matter how loud you scream it will ever hear it… And you know what that is fine, and i hope that when the time comes and my friends and family are expecting i hope that i can be the woman who simply says it will be wonderful, rather than the woman who tried and failed to explain just how hard it really was…

But that aside there was one thing, one simple thing that got me through the first few months, and has got me through the days, even now, when i thought that i would go insane, when i thought i couldnt handle another moment.

My routine.

When i was emotional, when i was scared, when i was so tired i couldnt think, when in the weeee moments of the morning when i was sobbing uncontrollably for no reason, my routine got me through, knowing what was next simply made my life simple, rather than more complicated.

I didnt come up with the routines myself, i am not claiming to be the first woman ever to do something like this, there was and are people who criticize me on being so ‘strict’ but at the end of the day we are now eight months along, and we are having fun, we know what we are doing each and everyday and its not hard anymore… I am still emotional and some days are more tiring than others, there are still tears, there are still fears… But i know i can do this because i have our routine…

When George was born i was given a book, and i have had the pleasure four times over now of sharing what i have learned from “Save Our Sleep” By Tizzie Hall with some really good friends of mine, and if i have one peice of advice to anyone who is expecting, it is to BUY THIS BOOK!

Of course for me my life is a little different, so i took on board the information and adapted it to suit our lifestyle, and now, well i have already written just how well we are doing, and if you could only see the smiles on my face each wednesday morning when i take that photo of my precious baby girl in that chair… Oh, i am so in love and so happy, and i honestly truly believe that it is because of the structure in our lives.

Now we are not perfect, we do have our days but since deciding to go along the ‘routine feeding’ plan we have stuck with it and no matter how hard we have persevered, and we have not given up – and the reward… 11 Hours of sleep a night.

Before george was born i choose a ‘sleep aid’ or a ‘comforter’ its name is Gerard the Giraffe… After washing it, i slept with with a good month before she was born, then placed it in her crib before we headed to the hospital.  We were also given a singing mermaid with a light which was also placed in the crib before we headed to the hospital.

The first month was hard, there wasnt much structure and we honestly had no idea what we were doing, but after reading the book we did from a very early time begin putting her down at 7pm and making sure that we comforted her to sleep.

Now i am not one for this controlled crying business, or letting a baby cry herself to sleep so that she knows how to self comfort blah blah blah… BUT each to their own, i just cant handle hearing her cry… And someone once told me that babies cry for a reason… That is very true, and now at eight months old i sort of know when she is being cheeky and when she really needs a hug and can stop the crying because (most of the time) i know what is wrong – and i belive that is because of our routines!

Anywho to the actual routine!

After introducing solids – and very slow but fun challenge – our routine has followed the following pattern and has been successful for about four months now…

6am – Solids & 100ml Bottle (we are in the process of eliminating the bottle as we add formula to the porridge that she eats)

8.30 / 9am – Nap

10.30am – 200ml Bottle (yes we wake her for the bottle)

12pm – Solids (i make my own, normally some pasta or rice blended with some chicken or beef, and served with a side of soft vegetables)

1pm – Nap ( for BOTH mommy and baby)

2.30pm – 200ml Bottle

We now keep baby awake in the afternoon, it is a challenge, it does involve biscuits, but at the end of the day – it is SO worth it!

5pm – Solids (The same sort of home made concoction as lunch)

5.20pm – Bath time – now that she can sit sometimes mommy and baby share a bath

5.45 / 6pm – 150ml Bottle

She is then allowed to ‘play until sooky’ so my rule is if she cries she goes to bed – and i tell her as much – i always pick her up comfort her and say ‘you cry it is bed time’ and she gets three goes before she is out and gets put to bed.

7pm (at the latest) – Bed time.  We place her in her cot, tuck her in with Gerard, push the singing mermaid and say “it is bed time” (i also have the same routine for nap time – but i swap the words bed time with nap time).  If she cries then i go back in and do the same thing, tuck her in give her Gerard and say “its bed time”.  Sometimes this goes on for half an hour or so depending on how tired she is, and when the mermaid stops singing i press the button again.

Some nights she goes down on one go, some nights she is happy to fiddle with Gerard for a little while then go to sleep, some nights she is cheeky and plays with the mermaid and moves around her cot, but no matter what when it is bed time it is bed time and i dont get her out of that cot – unless of course she is distressed.  We just keep laying her on her back, giving her Gerard and telling her “it is bed time”.

If she is crying uncontrollably i first try rubbing her belly to calm her down, and then if that fails i pick her up calm her down and push her head against my chest until she settles, when i then put her back in her cot and tell her “it is bed time”

We have been doing this now for four months and while the solids have changed with her developing pallet and chewing abilities (maybe a post for tomorrow) her routine is what has got me through.  What has made it easier for me to loose the baby weight, to be able to get the house work done, the washing done, and have time to blog and tweet – all at the same time!

As i have said, i am not perfect, she is of course perfect, but we have our days or moments and sometimes i think it is all a load a baloney, but having our routine really helps, it is what saved my mind when my mind was so tired i couldnt function, and i think now eight months down the track, simply because we persevered with bed time, because i persevere with bed time, when we are home we can have her asleep and eating our tea by 7pm…

Of course… Going out / going on holidays / staying at grandmama’s on wednesdays is a TOTALLY different story…