Day 318 in my miracles life
I dont know why this is happening now.
I dont know why i feel this way, but all i keep thinking is that i am not allowed to feel like this and i dont know how to write in words just how i am feeling.
Most of the time i am happy, i can put on a smile and most of the time, most of the time i am alive and loving everything i have. But sometimes, when i am tired when i have done too much, when i am uber hungry, when ive had a bad day, or sometimes when i hear a sad song or get carried away in a movie, sometimes i wonder why me.
There is a part of me that feels so alone, there is a part of me that feels like no one could possibly understand, a part of me that feels so under appreciated, a part of me that cant stand the though that i have no one to talk to, a part of me that misses my mother so uncontrolably that if i dare to stop and think about it the pain just doesnt go away. There is a part of me that constantly asks ‘why me, why this, why did i have to be the one to sufer, why wasnt it easy for me’ and there is a part of me who hates who i am and wonders why i even bother.
I tell myself each day to be strong, and i tell myself each day now that i live for my girl, but sometimes in the dark of the morning, i just feel so alone and all i can manage to tell myself, is that i am not allowed to feel this way, that i have the world at my feet, i have everything a head of me, i have everything i ever wanted and needed.
How can i be so selfish? How can i let myself feel like this? How can i feel so alone so hopeless when i am suppose to be grateful? Why am i angry, why am i frustrated, why cant i just love who i am, why do i feel like this? Im not allowed, i am meant to be happy.
Its not fair to others who are far worse off than me that i feel this way.
I am not allowed to feel this way, i shouldnt feel this way.
But i do. And finally i have found the strength to admit defeat against my feelings.
I am seeking help, but it still doesnt change the fact that i am not allowed to feel this way.
