Now as part of my 30 before 30 quest i thought i would make my friend from the gym some white chocolate bread to go with all the condiments i made for her as a gift for chirstmas.  She loves white chocolate and what better way to enjoy marmalade, nut butter and lemon curd then to place it on top of chocolate bread?!

I didnt have a recipe i simply thought i would give this combination a shot and see how it went… The reports back were fantastic and as far as i am concerned that means it is a winner worthy of the blog ;o) oh and worthy of being number 16 on my list!!

White Chocolate Bread

Stuff you’ll need

• 300 grams of white chocolate (you could sub in milk or dark chocolate if you prefer)
• 3 cups bread flour
• 2 tsp yeast
• 1 cup milk
• 1 tbls sugar
• pinch of salt

How i did it

Chucked it all in the bread machine and put it on normal white bread setting.

Day 493 in my miracles life

The feeling of going round and round in circles was killing me.

No seriously, i cant take this anymore.  I want my mind to begin healing and i want to make myself whole again for my baby girl.  She is just beginning to develop her personality, to really take on board the world around her, to expore and as we all know at this age to begin mimicking our behaviors.

So when i realised the other week that i was getting no where in terms of healing my mind from my past, when i realised that my depression was still consuming me and everything that i had inside of me, i realised that it was time for a new approach.

When i began taking the anti depressants they worked wonders for me.  The anger subsided and i felt on top of the world.  Little did i realise then that the tablets were just a bandaid, a temporary fix for something that runs so much deeper.  I need to talk about my past, i need to learn how to leave it in the past and i need to learn how to be a grown up.  To release my mind from my 11 year old self and become an adult, become someone who knows who she is and where she stands in this world. To accept that my mother isnt here and that i am a strong woman even though she cant be here to support me.

And to get me through that process i need help.  I cant do it alone.

And the head doctor i was seeing wasnt helping.  She was simply listening to the ‘now’ and not helping me through the past.  Giving me names for all my issues rather then tools to help me get through them… So i decided to change.

I am now seeing a Christian Councillor and within the first ten minutes of talking to her i knew she was going to be able to help me, and in fact the the first hour of seeing her i believe i accomplished more than in the six months i was seeing the head doctor.

Not only is she sympathetic and understanding but she has a plan.  She spent the hour listening and writing and then before time was up she had not only given me tools to help cope and to help change my behaviours, but she had also layed down the ‘plan of attack’

She saw that i was a girl who needed direction, needed to know where i was headed and she gave me that.

And because of that i am now excited about 2012 and healing my mind, becoming whole and knowing that before i am 30 i will have a healed mind and be on my way to being the best possible mother i can be for my little miracle.

I am excited about 2012 – bring on the new year!

Day 491 in my miracles life

Why am i doing this? Read it here….

Ahh christmas time! What a wonderful time to celebrate the amazing things my husband does for me This week he has gone above and beyond anything he has ever done for me before….

1. He bought me a camera for christmas… Thats right a fancy pants new camera! I didnt even ask for it, he just got it himself – oh and not only that, he was smart enough to steal my credit card to pay for it (thats a good thing FYI – we share a credit card but there is only one card and it normally stays in my wallet)
2. On christmas eve he took george out for a couple of hours to give me time to bake
3. Even though he wanted to he didnt have too much to drink at his work christmas party so that he could drive home and so that i could use the car on the friday
4. Oh and he let me have the car all day friday to go out and spend all his money!
5. My sweet husband has taken care of george so much on his holidays letting me have a few minutes to set up my new blog that i have been wanting to do for ages!!
6. He has been cleaning up the lounge room each night while he has been on holidays
7. And on Christmas eve we had a wonderful giggle and night together after our dinner party… It was a great way to bring in christmas!

When you express your gratitude, you will bring joy to others’ lives.  When others know joy, your life will be filled with happiness. Arthur Dobrin

Day 490 in my miracles life

As my brother in law and i chatted on Christmas eve he was kind enough to take the time to look through my 30 before 30 list and give me the encouragement i needed to really think about the tasks i have chosen for myself and realise that sometimes just giving something a go is crossing it off my list.

As we chatted he said to me that i could cross off number 28. Find a Mothers Group. I replied with a confused look on my face that i hadnt found one.  And he let me know that i had tried and that was enough.

And you know what, my brother in law is right.  So what if i failed? I didnt go into this 30 by 30 needing to succeed at everything… I mean there are somethings in your life that you are allowed to try and fail at – right?

You see a few months ago i did “find” a mothers group.  I went and i realised that it really wasnt what i needed.  To be honest it was a terrible experience – and i was only there for an hour! I went, i felt like an outcast i made an excuse and i left…

Since then i have regularly joined a group at the local library where we go and sign nursery rhymes once a week, and while it is not a “mothers group” it is a bunch of mothers entertaining their children and socializing… AND i have made a friend and my daughter has made a friend at toddler time…

So in fact while i havent technically found a mothers group, i have tried and found something that george and i do enjoy together once a week

I know i should be sleeping but i am just so excited about this recipe i could burst!

I love my niece to bits and when she suggested a gingerbread cupcake village for christmas eve i almost fell of my chair! How on earth was i going to achieve that – i mean i am a good baker, not so much a good decorator! But i was set for the challenge and with this shocking image on board i, or should i say WE set to work

As i am not really a wheat girl anymore i decided to get creative and have a crack at a wheat free ginger bread cupcake recipe.  I loosely based the recipe on this one here and added a cream cheese icing to finish.  Now if i was to make it for myself i think i would scrap the icing and put a honey or date something or other on top or on the side… But as it stands they were yummy none the less! (and you need to remember my sweetness tooth isnt as sweet as it once was!)

Ok now back to the actual recipe… Now i believe that i have now fallen in love with coconut flour and i am thinking i will have to do some researching and buy in bulk cause that stuff is UH-Mazing!

Stuff You’ll Need (just for the ginger bread cake, i reckon you could figure out the rest so long as you have a variety of lollies and use your imagination!)

• 10 eggs
• 1/2 cup treacle
• 1 cup honey
• 200 grams naked ginger ( not raw but the stuff you find in the cooking isle)
• 1 cup sunflower oil (olive may work the same, havent tried it though)
• 1 tbls vanilla
• 1 tbls ground ginger
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 cup coconut four

How i did it

I am a guniess… Thats all i am going to say…

No just jokes, here is how i did it

Preheat the oven to 170 deg cel, grease and line mini cake tins – you could use normal ones but you will have to adjust the cooking time.

Attach the chopping blade to your food processor and process the ginger on high until it becomes a paste.  Remove the blade attachement and swap it for a whisk attachment.  I guess if you dont have one of those a stand mixer will have to do, but this attachment is seriously my new boyfriend (sorry jayjay) it is the best thing on earth!

Anywho…

Attach the whisk attachment and add 10 eggs to the ginger.  Whisk until smooth and the eggs have about doubled in size.  Slowly then as the whisk is still spinning add the treacle, then the honey then ever so slowly the oil.  Then again while the mixer is still going add the vanilla ginger baking soda then last of all the coconut flour.  Spin for another minute or so until the mixture is thick smooth consistancy. It will be runny but moderalty thick – if that makes sense?

Pout the batter into your pans and cook for about 20-25 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean.

Cool and ice…

Or eat warm.

Or stick it in the freezer and enjoy another day – but if i were you i would just eat it straight from the oven and deal with the calories the next day… I run perhaps?  Or you could just remember that it has no wheat or gluten or processed sugar so you could just pretend that the calories dont count and that your bum wont be screaming at you when your jeans dont fit… Not that that matters once you have a peice of this cake in your mouth… Speaking of which if you promise not to tell ill let you in on a little secret…. I have a piece for breakfast… Shhh dont tell my trainer!

Anyway enjoy!

Day 488 in my miracles life

Its Christmas eve 4.28am.  I am sitting in front of my computer all torn up inside with excitment and anxiety for christmas and as i sit supposedly meant to be working on my book i start going through  my computer images and end up in the bathroom taking photos of myself in my sports gear once again.

I’m insane.

And all i want to do is love myself but as i look in the mirror and as i look at the images and the progress i have made over the past year instead of feeling proud i start telling myself i could have done better.

Why?

I mean, look at the photos, ive done fantastic…

December 2010 - December 2011

I’m 58kg 18 – 19% fat and i’m still not happy? I still think i can do better…

I have to fix this.

I have to fix whatever it is in my head that is telling myself i can do better.  I have to for my daughter…

I just dont want her growing up with a mother who isnt good enough for herself… Because i know what will happen – my poor daughter will grow up thinking she is not good enough – and i NEVER EVER want that to happen.

I want my george to love herself no matter what the mirror says.

I want her to love what she has achieved no matter how small.

I dont want her growing up feeling this way that i do, putting so much pressure on herself that she is never good enough.

I want her to believe in herself and know that she is perfect in gods image just the way she is.

*sigh*

Why isnt this good enough?

October 2011 - December 2011

YUM is all i can say.

And i will say it again…

YA-UH-MMMM!

This one was just divine   I made it for our Christmas celebrations with my side of the family (hence why it is number 14 on my list… While it wasnt specific to one person it was baked especially for “The Bowens” and i cant tell you just how much we all enjoyed it! So much better than the traditional Christmas cake – and so SO much richer!

Stuff you’ll need

• 125g dried figs
• 3-4 tablespoons of rum (or enough to cover the figs)
• 100g almonds
• 100g walnuts
• 50g plain flour
• 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
• pinch of salt
• 350g dark chocolate (70% coco)
• 150g butter
• 5 eggs, separated
• 75g caster sugar
• 4 tbls honey

How i did it

I followed the recipe! ( as found here in this book)

Chop the figs and soak them over night in the rum.

Preheat the oven to 150 deg cel.  Grease and line a spring form tin – 23cm.

Toast the nuts in the preheated oven until pale golden.  Let cool then roughly chop.  Place in a bowl with the flour cinnamon and salt and mix to combine.

Place the diced butter and chocolate in a microwave proof bowl and give a zap stirring every 20-30 seconds to ensure you dont burn the choclate, set aside to cool.

Whisk the egg yolks, castor sugar and honey together until thick and pale – i used an electric mixer for this.  Add the chocolate mixture, the dry mixture plus the fig and rum mix.  Fold in together until smooth.

In a clean dry bowl place the egg whites and a pinch of salt, whisk until stiff.  Slowly fold the egg whites into the choclate mixture being careful not to loose to much air.

Place the mixture in the baking tin and into the oven it goes for about an hour.  Keep an eye on the top and if it is browning too much be sure to cover it with foil.

Once cooked – check using a squewer that comes out clean, allow to cool in the tin then remove and wrap in foil and glad wrap.  You can store this in the cupboard but i prefer to keep these sort of things in the fridge!

You can serve with a nice chocolate gnache as i did, sprinkle with icing sugar or if you like to decorate use marzipan and make it more like a traditional Christmas Cake!

Whatever you choose be sure only to cut a thin slice as this one is deadly!!

Day 484 in my miracles life

I cant stop myself.

I wish i could.

I need to start living in the now, i need to stop worrying about tomorrow and i MUST stop dreading yesterday and wishing my past wasnt my past.

I need to for her.  I need to for me.  I am sending myself insane thinking only of my yesterdays and wishing i could re-live my life.

I just need to accept it and move on.

I am just not quite sure how to.  It seems no matter how much i progress no matter how much i focus on the future, no matter how much i try to forget about the past, a part of me wont let go of the pain.  And i just dont know what is stopping me from letting go.

This time two years ago i was hurting, i was hurting so much that i cant let it go.  I dont know why i cant, i dont know why my heart hurts over it still….

I need to move on.  To forget.