IVF

Day Twenty Nine of 100 – #Fail

October 21, 2009 0 Comments

End of IVF Cycle

Today i woke up and said that today was going to be a good day, that today was going to be my day. Today was not my day, today was not a good day. Today i failed… Yes that is right END of IVF cycle.

Today after 26 days – 10 days of needles 3 days of intense pain, 5 days of anticipation, 8 days of emotional torment, and four thousand dollars – bled out of me.

It is over and i am numb.

There is nothing i can do… But go on. There are 71 more days to go in my journey and i must go on, pick myself up and try again, this is the challenge…

So in the spirit of all things not pregnant, my top ten things that i am going to go and do… Humor me – it is the best ive got right now without being suicidal… (that there is a joke)

I am going to wake up at the crack of dawn and go for a super long and super fast run, ended by a massive sprint
I am going to drink 1 massi 3 shot skinny latte, followed by 1 large 2 shot skinny latte, followed by 1 regular 1 shot skinny latte, followed by maybe another afternoon regular
I am going to get a Brazilian wax
I am going to buy a dress that fits me now, and that will only look good on me when i am 60kg
I am going to line up all of my heels from shortest to tallest, pick the highest of high stilettos and wear them all day
I am going to take a strong knock me out kind of pain relief for these bloody cramps
I am going to have a glass of wine with my dinner
I am going to wallow in self pity – just a little
I am going to drink some more coffee
And finally i am going to pick myself up, call the nurse and get back to the doctor as soon as i can – because in the end what else can i do? Cry?

“Que Sera, Sera, Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours, to see. Que Sera, Sera What will be, will be…..” Doris day

Filed Under: Emotional, IVF, Top Ten

Day Twenty Eight of 100 – Endless Hope

October 20, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-six of IVF cycle – 3 sleeps until first blood test, 6 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

I am resolved to thinking that this cycle has failed. Call it a defense mechanism, call it knowing what my body is telling me, call it anything, but i know in my heart that in the end this cycle is going to be a negative.

And finally today i am okay about this, I am feeling somewhat uninspired, as i am emotionally tired – but i am okay. I have spent the last few days with my mind in a little (okay so a HUGE) emotional hole, wallowing in self pity. And as i got to work this morning, i was still feeling stuck and miserable once more as the cramps got worse and now back pain as well, which i know are not signs of pregnancy… But to cut a long story short, and to stop with my silly wallowing – I am okay with this. I have to be okay with this, there is nothing i can do.

And how did i come to this thought?

I got an email from my father, that among other things said “What will be will be”

Best advice i have had all week.

I am upset, and i am still hurting, but in fact there is nothing i can do, and i must pick myself up and continue my journey “Chasing a Miracle’” Because i know that what will be will be… and there is nothing i can do but to have a little hope and a lot of faith…

“Some see a HOPELESS end, while others see endless HOPE.” Anon

Filed Under: IVF

Day Twenty Seven of 100 – Yesterday was bad, today is worse.

October 19, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-five of IVF cycle – 4 sleeps until first blood test, 7 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

You say you understand, but you dont.

You say you know how i feel, but you dont.

You say that this is no excuse, but it is.

cry I can not control the tears, i can not control the way i am expressing my emotions, the intensity, i can not control anything. I am hurting, hurting from places i didnt think it was possible to hurt from. No matter how many tears i cry no matter how much i wish it away or think positively – the pain isnt going away.

I am okay, i will be okay in the end, i know that i will be okay, and i know i am loved, but the pain, the pain is still there.

It is there deep inside, a ball growing stronger and stronger, feeding on the hormones i am injecting twice everyday.

You dont understand, even if you think you do, you cant. Every one is different, each emotion in everyone is felt uniquely, so you couldnt possibly understand. Just as i coulnt possibly understand how you are feeling.

15 years ago when i was 12 people said they understood, they said they felt my pain, they said they knew what i was feeling. But how could they?

Now 15 years later at 27, they tell me they understand, they tell me they feel my pain, they say that they know what i am feeling. But how could they?

How can anyone possibly understand the inner workings of my brain, 15 years ago or now, or 15 years from now? I dont even understand. I dont even know the difference between my thoughts and the hormones thoughts and actions. How can they know how the hormones are altering me?

I want to be myself again, my husband wants me back.

Iwant me back, we both really really want me back.

But i, we, want a child of our own more…

So try understanding that?

Many cant, many wont, many will judge me, and some will once again tell me they understand…

“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.” Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Filed Under: Emotional, IVF Tagged With: answers, emotions, Frustrated, IVF

Day Twenty Six of 100 – It's The Hormones, I am sorry…

October 18, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-four of IVF cycle – 5 sleeps until first blood test, 8 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

I hate this i really really do.

We are at the beach and all i want to do is sit here and enjoy the scenery – but i cant.

I cant because all i see are families. And i cant because i still have cramps. And i cant because i am pastey pale and have to sit in the cold shade.

I am suppose to be part of the family – and not in the way you are thinking. We are here at the beach with my step son. I should be playing in the sand with them, i should be enjoying the little time we have together – but i cant because he isnt mine.

So many times i have been told that he is part of my family and i should see him as my own, have some sort of ‘connection’ with him… But i dont.

When this all started, when the infertility began, besides hurtful comments like, ‘arn’t you just being impatient’ and ‘just relax, your time will come’, everyone said to me, and i mean everyone, ‘at least you have your step son’

father and son Yes, yes i do have a step son, and yes, yes i do love him very very much and i do treasure the moments we spend together – but no, no he is not my son, he has a mother. I didnt grow him inside of me, i did not give birth to him, and i did not watch him grow from a tiny baby.

I do not have a special connection with him – and he does not fill the childless void in my heart. And if that makes me a disgusting, horrid, evil, unworthy person that does not deserve her own – then so be it – he is not my son, he is my husbands son, and my beautiful step son.

I know that some feel that this makes me the worst partner, and a disgusting person, but i can not help the way i feel, and i have spoken to other women who feel the same, i know that i am not alone. Just as i know that i am evil and deserve to be punished like this because of it – this is the reason for my infertility. This is why God hates me so much, because i cant even see my step child as my own. Maybe this is why i dont deserve my own children, why i dont deserve a child, why i now have been through 2 failed IVF attempts, why we have spent $15,000 this year on help – just to have it thrown right back in my face, why i have lost faith and hope.

I dont deserve to have children let alone deserve what i have in my life now.

Today i am miserable, and not even sipping a skinny latte watching the waves crash down over the rocks, listening to the peace and quiet, not even taking a deep breath fo fresh air can help.

I am miserable, just miserable – But i know that i must go on.

I MUST GO ON…

“Life must go on; I forget just why.” Edna St. Vincent Millay

Filed Under: Emotional, IVF Tagged With: emotions, Frustrated, IVF, pain

Day Twenty Five of 100 – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO ME!

October 17, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-three of IVF cycle – 6 sleeps until first blood test, 9 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

birthday-cake-with-candles

As i blow out the twenty seven candles tonight i have only one wish…..

“Most of us can remember a time when a birthday – especially if it was one’s own brightened the world as if a second sun has risen.” – Robert Lynd

Filed Under: IVF

Day Twenty Four of 100- Survival of the toughest

October 16, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-two of IVF cycle – 7 sleeps until first blood test, 10 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

lion

Some say that survival techniques are the only things that will get us through…. Maybe they are maybe they are not, i know i need them – just as i know that i am tougher than any woman that hasnt been through IVF and just as i know that i am stronger and wiser for having survived to this point.

top ten tips

Start every morning with an inspirational quote
Have enough hope to put a smile on your face, but not enough to cause depressive disappointment
Have humor, laugh at yourself and what you are experiencing
Do not be afraid to find out who your real friends are
Be prepared to spend every last cent
Stand in front of the mirror naked and LOVE IT
Look into they eyes of your lifelong partner and know that only true love can stand the test of infertility
Take note that envy and jealousy are just part of the experience
Dont be afraid to want to give up…
But never ever actually give up

“Written in Chinese the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other opportunity.” John F Kennedy

Filed Under: IVF, Top Ten

Day Twenty Three of 100 – oVer iT…

October 15, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty-one of IVF cycle – 8 sleeps until first blood test, 11 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

Today i am over it… Whats new??? Bloody moody bitch am i…

I have had cramps all day and i am thinking ALREADY a fail? Couldn’t the cramps have at least waited until after the negative blood test? Now i am feeling depressed and just over it. I dont want to be here anymore, i dont want to do this. But i know that after i say that - i will go on, because my longing for children is only getting stronger and stronger as the no’s keep coming.

This is so hard… Too hard… I wish i had at least a chance next month… But I dont… I have to go to the doctor, make myself bleed, start on hormones, pay $10,000, give myself needles, go through extreme and almost unbearable pain for a couple of days, go under anesthetic, DH has to jack off in a strange room, i then have to recover in 5 days, pray that the eggs and sperm like each other, pray that the embryo’s form correctly…. THEN and only then do i get to play the waiting game… And if i get my period, then i get to do it ALL OVER AGAIN! I dont just get to count days and have sex… humph

This is so frustrating, depressing, heart breaking, tormenting, and just plain AWFUL! I wish, i wish, i wish, i wish the IVF would just work this time….

“In reality HOPE is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs mans torment.” Frielrich Nietzsche

Filed Under: Emotional, IVF

Day Twenty Two of 100 – Life's a bitch… And then you find out your infertile

October 14, 2009 0 Comments

Day twenty of IVF cycle – 9 sleeps until first blood test, 12 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

I tell no lies, some days i sit here feeling sorry for myself thinking that nothing could be worse then being infertile. Nothing could be worse then having to get help for something that should come easily, be fun and stress free for me and my husband.

Some days i sit here thinking that i have it so f***ing bad – if you’ve read my posts you can see that sometimes it is like i am in a big black tunnel and the only light is one small dot that i will only reach once i am pregnant.

I forget where i came from, i forget how i got here, the people that got me here, i forget who i am, and most importantly i forget why i am doing this.

A lot lately i hear stories of people who are in similar mind frames, however when i hear their stories, i am always able to see the light in their lives, i am able to say “yes but look at what you have, you have so many blessings that should be counted…”

In not quite sure if saying it is a major human fault is the right way to put it, however to get so caught up in our lives, and so focused on getting something that we want, we forget who we are, and more importantly we forget what we have. We need to stop and put things into perspective, put ourselves out there and say ‘Hey – it’s not that bad’

Today on my way home from a very stressful and busy day while i was looking out to a sea of red break lights, i looked over out the passenger side window and watched the sun going down behind the trees, i honestly sat there thinking – what could be better than watching this. I am a sucker for a good sunrise and sunset, for some reason i get an amazing amount of inspiration from it… and this afternoon, through my hormone crazed brain, i managed to sit there and count my blessings…

…and you know what – IT IS NOT THAT BAD!…

…as someone once told me “you could be dead or in jail”

So Life is a bitch, and being infertile – even more of a bitch, but if i have one piece of advice, just one thing to tell everyone out there who is going through hell at the moment or about to face IVF hell or even those who are just miserable because life sucks- NEVER EVER FORGET where you came from, how you got here, who you are, WHAT YOU HAVE, and most importantly never forget the memories and friends you have gained along the way.

“If only the people who worry about their liabilities would think about the riches they do possess, they would stop worrying.” Dale Carnegie

Filed Under: Humour, IVF, Warnings

Day Twenty One of 100 – The Eleventh thing you will learn thoughout the duration of IVF

October 13, 2009 0 Comments

Day Nineteen of IVF cycle – 10 sleeps until first blood test, 13 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

By a massive lapse in judgment i have missed one of the most important things that you will learn thoughtout the duration of an IVF cycle

Side effects – they are now your new best friend!

There is nothing more exciting to look forward to than reading the pamphlet that the nurse has just handed to you with your new bunch of drugs…

I am now nearly 20 days into my cycle, i have stimulated the ovaries, gone through the EPU, managed to get to ET and now it is the waiting game, drugs are finally finished right? WRONG! If you thought the needles and injections were fun, wait till you get to know the next part… and this might just be classified as ‘too much information’ (much like most of this post) however it is part of the story, so you know – either suck it up and read on… or stop now…your choice, but dont say i didnt warn you!

And the side effects involved…

Now not many people actually read the instruction leaflet, but in this situation i thought it might be required as this new hormone is not swallowed in pill form, not injected, it is inserted… and has a wonderful and descriptive name “Vaginal Gel” so before i jumped into this i wanted to make sure i was ‘inserting’ it correctly.

So i am sitting on the loo reading this leaflet, preparing to insert my first dose of the gel, and i come across the section titled Side Effects.

To my horror and humor in small little print came the following statement:-

“Very common side effects

feelings of severe sadness and unworthiness
feeling emotional
decreased sexual drive
sleepiness
constipation, nausea
passing urine at night
cramps, abdominal pain, perineal pain (around the genital & the back passage)
headache
breast enlargement or breast pain

Common side effects

bloating, pain
dizziness
vaginal discharge, itching of the vaginal area, vaginal thrush
diarrhoea, vomiting
painful sexual intercourse
painful joints

This is not a complete list of all possible side effects. Others may occur in some people and there may be some side effects not yet known”

Now not everyone gets all side effects, i know that, and yes they have to give you ALL of the possible side effects, i’m no hypochondriac, however, i have been on these hormones for a week now… and if you asked my husband and coworkers to describe me in one short sentence it would be:

crazy A normal girl turned instantly teary then instantly overly cheerful, turned grumpy, crazed B-i -A–c-h

And not only am i emotionally exhausted but i really have sore boobs, a bloated belly, as well as constipated (to the point where prunes are not helping) and i now raise about three times a night to pee… PLUS, and at the risk once more of ‘too much information’ this is a warning to all those with sensitive ears, leave now…PLUS i have cottage cheese like discharge!

Annnnnnnnd – apparently this is normal! (insert sarcasm here)

So for those of you thinking the clomid was bad… think again!

“When things are bad take comfort on the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are we find HOPE in the thought that things are so bad they can only get better.” Anon

Filed Under: Humour, IVF, Top Ten Tagged With: emotions, IVF, journey

Day Twenty of 100 – DIE-LEM-A

October 13, 2009 0 Comments

Day Eighteen of IVF cycle – Emby transfer day – 11 sleeps until first blood test, 14 sleeps until confirmation blood test.

coffee one I have a problem, well no that is a lie, i have many problems – i wouldnt be in this current predicament if i didnt have one significant problem, you know – the one that begins with P and ends with S. Not too worry, my current issue us that i like coffee… no, no, there i go again lying…

I LOVE COFFEE!

Too much…

I want to cut back, i must cut back, if this is too work, if i am to fall pregnant and stay pregnant, i must cut back, or eliminate. Today being transfer day i have decided that i am going to cut back.

To give you an idea of how much i drink last weekend i started my saturday with a massi (600ml 4 shots) followed by a grande (450ml 3 shots) followed closely by a regular (2 shots) and some saturdays i have an afternoon regular. Sunday began the same but was a little better and i followed only with another massi.

Now weekdays are a little better as i only have an instant in the morning and at 3pm the girls next door have one hot large skinny latte ready and waiting for me.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo my dilema is… now do i switch to decaf? How much coffee is too much coffee? What are the impacts on embryo’s? Does it decrease my chances? Does it make defects? If i have decaf are the chemicals bad?