Day 401 in my miracles life

I am on the verge of a panic attack… My heart is racing and i cant breath.  I should be writing, that is why i got up so early, but in my distracted state i started bog hopping and found a site.  A site that lists the symptoms of post natal depression…

How come i didnt realise sooner?  How come this is happening to me, of all people, how come i am not more greateful for what i have, how come my mind has gone into over drive and now i am stuck in a sleepless world of condusion, anxiety and depression.

I am trying, God hear me i am trying, but maybe it isnt hard enough, maybe i am just not good enough for this fight….

All i sit here thinking is why did this happen to me and how on earth did i let it get so bad, how did i not see the signs, how could i not have known earlier?  How come no one else saw it, how come i am all alone in my fight?

I dont know how to explain it, i dont know how to fix it, i dont know how to reach out in a world where no one understands, where i feel like i am being judged to the extreme?

I ask God for help every night, and i know that my prayers will be answered because right now, faith is all i have to hold on to, faith and the look in my daughters eyes as i slowly learn that i am enough for her – no matter who i am.

The List… As found on postpartumprogress.org

• You feel overwhelmed.  Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.”  More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.”  You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother.  In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place. TICK
• You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this.  You feel like your baby deserves better.  You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would.  You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you. PARTIAL TICK
• You don’t feel bonded to your baby.  You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines.
• You can’t understand why this is happening.  You are very confused and scared. TICK
• You feel irritated or angry.  You have no patience.  Everything annoys you.  You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies.  You feel out-of-control rage. PARTIAL TICK,rage directed at husband not baby (poor man)
• You feel nothing.  Emptiness.  You are just going through the motions. TICK
• You feel sadness to the depths of your soul.  You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying. TICK, i never thought i could feel pain as deep as the pain in my soul – but i have
• You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better.  You feel weak and defective.  You feel like a failure. TICK
• You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
• You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time.  Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are.  Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done.  Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up, and it’s not just because you have a newborn. TICK I was waking 6-7 times a night
  
• You can’t concentrate.  You can’t focus.  You can’t think of the words you want to say.  You can’t remember what you were supposed to do.  You can’t make a decision.  You feel like you’re in a fog. TICK
• You feel disconnected.  You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world. TICK
• Maybe you’re doing everything right.  You are exercising.  You are taking your vitamins.  You have a healthy spirituality.  You do yoga.  You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?”   You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t. TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK
• You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind.  Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.  Or you may have thoughts of harming others.I dont want to answer this, just know that i would never hurt anyone and that when i look at my baby, she saves me in ways i could never repay her for.
  
• You know something is wrong.  You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right.  You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever. TICK
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you.  Or that your baby will be taken away.
• Your thoughts are racing.  You can’t quiet your mind.  You can’t settle down.  You can’t relax. TICK
• You feel like you have to be doing something at all times.  Cleaning bottles.  Cleaning baby clothes.  Cleaning the house.  Doing work.  Entertaining the baby.  Checking on the baby. TICKTICKTICKTICK
• You are worried.  Really worried.  All. The. Time.  Am I doing this right?  Will my husband come home from his trip?  Will the baby wake up?  Is the baby eating enough?  Is there something wrong with the baby that I’m missing?  No matter what anyone says to reassure you it doesn’t help. TICKTICKTICK
• You may be having disturbing thoughts.  Thoughts that you’ve never had before.  Thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren’t the person you thought you were.  They fly into your head unwanted and you know they aren’t right, that this isn’t the real you, but they terrify you and they won’t go away.  These thoughts may start with the words “What if …” TICK
• You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of the thoughts.  You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs, and you avoid them like the plague.
• You have to check things constantly.  Did I lock the door?  Did I lock the car?  Did I turn off the oven?  Is the baby breathing? TICKTICKTICK
• You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea.  You might even have panic attacks. TICK
• You feel like a captive animal, pacing back and forth in a cage.  Restless.  On edge. TICK

I dont know what my ‘triggers’ are i dont know why this week i have gone from being ok to not… I dont know why all of a sudden i am in a lul again, why i am having to fight the fight with everything inside of me, i dont know why this is happening to me, and some days, most days, i feel like i am in a world where no one understands, where they think that i am simply in a ‘bad mood’ or that i should ‘snap out of it’

But no matter how hard i keep trying, i just cant ‘snap out of it’ and the anxiety that stems from that alone… Well, i am here having a panic attack when i should be writing my book…

Day 396 in my miracles life

I guess i thought once i was on anti depressants that it would just get easier and easier and i guess now that i think about it i never expected it to still be hard some days. But it is.

It is a fight, a constant fight against my mind and will.

There are good days, there are great days, there are days when i feel like the world has an ocean of possibilities for me like i could do anything…

And then there are mondays… Where i feel guilty for over eating on the weekend, where i feel torn between my great ideas and actually putting them into place, almost like mondays are the days where i stop my dreams becoming reality, where i sit down and wonder why i cant restrain myself from over eating on the weekends and why im not good enough for myself…

Why is it a constant battle?  Why cant i just dream the dream and have the courage to put it into place?

What is holding me back?

And why oh why oh why do i always over eat on the weekends? Maybe mondays would simply be better if i could eliminate the negative feelings i feel when i over eat… Or more simply – if i could just stop myself from over eating….