Thirty Six Weeks.  Five Days. 10 Sleeps to go…

I think sometimes it is hard even for the most grateful of people, the most blessed and hopeful of people to be humble…. Sometimes it is hard even for those who know how selfish they are being, to stop being selfish, and to simply ‘suck it up’

Today i want to tell myself to ‘suck it up’

Because for the first time in a long time i feel down on myself.

I have tried not too.  Knowing what i went through to get to this point i have tried so hard not to be down on my apearance, not to care what pregnancy has done to me, what i have allowed to happen to my body, and simply to think about the things i am going to do about my appearance and my contstant self loathing once i can… Once it is only me in my body to worry about, and not my miracle child.

I dont want to be the one who says they dont like being pregnant, i dont want to be the one who says they cant stand the big belly, the out of breathness, and the constnat pain… But today i want to…

I want to scream and say that i just want to go for a run.  I want to hate the way i look, and i want to hate the way i feel.  I want to cry about it and i want to scream about it… And it is taking everything inside me not too.

Today i am tired.  My glands in my neck are swollen, my feet and ankles are like tree stumps or cankles… My hands are so puffy i cant open the milk carton, and i have indigestion and squished lungs – i am uncomfortable…

I have become the woman who i dont want to be.

And as much as i try not to be, i cant.

I want to know how it is done, how one looks and themselves and says they love what they see.  I want to look at my belly, at my stretch marks, at my hands and fingers, at my toes that dont touch the ground, at my double chin, at everything that makes a pregnant woman a pregnant woman, at everything i think i hate, and turn it around and say i love it, i love it, i love it…

But i cant.

And i want to know why after all that i have been through, i cant?

It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes… we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions – especially selfish ones. Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Thirty Six Weeks.  Four Days. 11 Sleeps to go…

They call it the Two Week Wait, and for those of you who have ever done anything to do with infertility treatments or even just ‘trying’ to fall pregnant will know just what that agonizing two weeks brings.

Sleepless nights contemplating the meaning of life, heartache, tears, happiness, excitement – all kinds of emotions all rolled into one.

December 19 2009.

What was to be my final agonizing two week wait began.

If only i had known.  I remember writing a post thinking it would all be ok, that i could handle it all a lot better if i only knew what was to be in my future… I remember thinking if only i knew when i was going to fall pregnant, if only i knew when i was going to have a baby – i would be ok… I could go through with the pain…. I remember thinking that in January as well, as i waited patiently through my torturers 20 days of limbo land... If only i HAD known…

I look back now, and think, if i had known… Would it mean as much as it does to me know?  If i had known that August 2010 i would be the happiest woman on this planet… Would i have have treasured as many moments? Would it still mean the same as it does to me now?

Maybe the torturous two week wait makes this what it is…

And maybe my final two week wait of sleepless nights, tossing and turning, of constantly worrying, of wondering and pondering, of reminiscing on what has brought me to this point…

Maybe just maybe that too will make me more of a mother, appreciate the first touch just that little bit more, give me something in two weeks that i dont know that i need now…

Maybe just maybe waiting makes things what they are, maybe it is Gods way of making us appreciate the small things in life… Maybe…

Or maybe it really is just torture…

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. Carl Sagan

Thirty Six Weeks.  Three Days. 12 Sleeps to go…

You would think that after all these days and after all this time that i would have all the right words…  You would think that after 325 days of writing that i would know exactly how to put two words together to say exactly what was on my mind, exactly what was in my heart.

But today for some reason i dont.  And i cant.

I cant because i am not good with goodbyes, and i cant because deep down i know that this is not goodbye forever, just for a little while.

And while today may not be goodbye forever, it is certainly a day where goodbye must be said.  Today is a day where among other things, i want to think of just the right words to say, the right words to write that will express my gratitude to the people who have seen each day just what i have been through to get to this point.

Somethings in life seem impossible.  At points in our lives we think that what we want cannot be achieved, we believe that we have given all we have to give, that there is nothing more… But with that i say that sometimes what we believe is wrong.

I have said time and time again, that last year was the worst year of my life… I suffered, it seemed impossible, i belived that i had given all i had to give but yet i kept going…. And i knew i could keep going because of the people i had around me and the support i knew i would get.

Each day last year, and each day this year i went to work and knew that i would be surrounded by friends.  I knew that the people around me were there to laugh with me and cry with me, and i knew that no matter what i was going through, no matter what i went through i would always have people there to tell me it was ok, or to simply have a giggle with me.

And no matter what i say from this point on i know it will once agian never be enough to thank you.

You may see me as crazy, and you may see me as moody… As a bitch, or as a laugh, or maybe just as the one who bakes, but just know that each and every one of you mean so much to me that words simply could not be enough to let you know what having you in my life means to me.  There really are not too many places in this world where you can find such a supportive group of people…. People with understanding, compassion, and most of all willingness to simply give someone a hug and pass them a tissue when they need it most of all….

I know, that you know that this isnt really goodbye, and i know that you know that we will talk, and that we will see each other soon, that the world will keep on spinning, and that business will run as usual, and that the time will pass so quickly that we wondered why we even had to say goodbye in the first place…

But no matter what happens, no matter the future, no matter how much we see each other, no matter how much time goes by… Just know that through me you can learn what it is like to suffer, through me you can learn what it is like to have pure happiness, to respect what you have, to have gratitude for life, and most importantly through me you know that nothing in this world is more precious than the miracle of life…

I know many of you may not see this story as something, and i know that not all of you may understand, but once again words is all i have to say thank you, they are the only thing i can think of that will offer you the opportunity to know just how i feel, to know exactly why i am the way i am…  To know why you all mean so much to me, to know why your simple support means the world…

I open my heart and soul and welcome you to read my story, to know all there is to know about the girl who spent 365 days Chasing A Miracle…

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth. Robert Southey

Thirty Six Weeks. 15 Sleeps to go…

Who knew…

So many different opinions, so many different thoughts, where ever you go who ever you talk to everything is different, everyone has been taught different things.

Before saturday we hadnt even thought about so many things, we hadnt really even heard about all the options, but as the midwife spoke in our baby classes we realised that there are things that we really should consider and things that we really should think about.

And like everything with parenting – each to their own… You have to find out what works for you, and what doesnt…

One of the things we began to wonder about, one of the things we thought ‘this may be something that we may consider doing’ was Co Sleeping.

Not something i personally ever considered, but now i am not so sure it isnt a good idea….

Apparently it reduces the risk of SIDS… Something i dont personally even what to think about, but the nurse mentioned and the statistics point out that a baby who is in the same room (wether in a bassenet or co sleeping) for six months have a reduced risk… Now that is something to think about…

Apparently it makes for more peaceful feeding times…. When the baby stirs, the mother wakes and feeds her child, and the baby doesnt have to get to the point of crying before the mother wakes and then has to settle baby before feeding.

Apparently it is safe so long as both parents are in the bed.

Apparently it is less tiring for mom and dad, as the mother is not constantly getting out of bed, and the father is not being disterbed by crying and a mother hoping in and out of the bed.

But these are all apparently things….  There are still those what ifs that i wonder about as well…

What if after 6 months you cant get the baby into their own room?

What if you cant sleep anyway? Or if the baby cries anyway, or if you dont wake when the baby stirs?

So many things to consider, or maybe just something to give a try and see if it works for us?  Or maybe i should just consider a bassinet instead?

To be honest, it seems that there are many things my husband and i have not considered, and so many things we are yet to learn, and so many things that we may have no idea about until we cross them.

I wonder what else we have no idea about, what else that the nurse has not pointed out that we may have overlooked?

I wonder why after so long i suddenly feel so unprepared?

Do all new parents feel so confused and unprepared?

It is better to read a little and ponder a lot than to read a lot and ponder a little Denis Parsons Burkitt

Thirty Five Weeks. Six Days. 16 Sleeps to go…

Just when i needed it most, i got a tweet….

A tweet from a lady who knows just the right words to make someone smile, from a lady who no matter the pain she has endured herself is willing to be there for others, a lady that is so precious to so many out here in our twitterverse.

That lady of course is PCOS Chick, from His & Her Infertility…Please take a moment to read her blog and follow her on twitter – i promise you wont be disapointed…

Here is how the Versatile Blogger Award works:
1) Thank and talk about whoever gave you the award
2) Share 7 facts about yourself
3) Give the award to 7 other bloggers who rock!

So now the hardest part of all – 7 things about myself (only 7!!)

1. Through all that i have been through in my life time, it has taught me that more than anything, i am blessed – so very very lucky in life, and so very very blessed
2. We are all stronger than we imagine we are… I am a strong woman, and i can do anything i set my mind to do
3. If you hadnt already guessed… I like to talk… I like to share everything on my mind, i keep no secrets, and i am an open book that welcomes anyone and everyone into my life
4. I love a coffee, i love the sociability behind a coffee, meeting a friend for a coffee, that turns into four – the best… Walking each morning with a co worker for a coffee – the best… Having a good old yarn to the coffee shop owners and staff that have now become your friends – the best.  Nothing beats coffee.
5. The above comment was a lie – one thing beats coffee  – having a baby.  I am scheduled to have a C-section to meet my miracle baby in 16 sleeps, thats right, i am going to be a mommy!!
6. I have had my appendix removed, my finger broken, i have been electrocuted, and i have been through IVF… And still i am scared each time i have blood taken – i try not to be, but my heart races, and i have too look away and hold my breath just before they put the needle in! Stupid eh?
7. Random fact:: I have had my ears re-pierced three times, and yet again i have let them close up… I have a bad habit of not wearing earrings.

The Versatile Blogger Award Goes to the Following 7 Bloggers (in no particular order):

7 Bloggers who Kick Ass!  These people are the best and while i have mentioned only seven i want you all to know that i couldnt have done this without so many of my twitter buddies, just knowing that there are people there who will help, people out there who know what i have been through and what i am going through truly is priceless.

1. Holly from Ready 2b a Mom… She is awesome, she has been through so much more than she deserves, and i feel so blessed to be one of her friends as no matter what she has been through, she is always there for others as well.
2. Jen PrgAftrMiscar from Expectant and Excited, like many of us she has been through hell and back, and once again i feel so blessed to have such a wonderful friend online to share my journey with.
3. Jettie AzoosBeyotch from Infertility and Me… Again awesome, enduring so much, yet so willing to share and help us all through our journey no matter how much pain she is suffering or joy she is experiencing.
4. Brenda from Praying for a Baby.  She is but weeks behind me in her pregnancy, and i have enjoyed sharing such a special experience with her, knowing that i have someone going through the same joy and fears.
5. Lovely, lovely Jen from The Road to Happily Ever After.  She is another inspiration of mine, going through so much yet always so honestly happy in everyone else s joy, and so honestly concerned with everyone else s woes…
6. My mate Paisley from Among the Blossoms. Always good for a giggle and always with some great advise!
7. And last but not least i am going to say my new friend Margaret from The Good, The Bad, & The Family… I found her while i was stuck in hospital and she has been an amazing friend to me since then… She is about the same pregnant as me and it has been amazing to have someone with so much knowledge to talk to.

Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering. Winnie The Pooh

Thirty Five Weeks. Five Days. 17 Sleeps to go…

This morning i feel alone.

And as the river of tears fell from my eyes, for the first time in a long time, i felt in real emotional pain.

As exciting as this it, it is also scary, scarier than i ever imagined…. While the pain is nothing to what i endured last year, and while i have so much support it is unbelievable there is still one person, once again, missing from my life that more than anything in the world i wish i had.

I want my mom.

I feel like i am alone.  I feel like when i go in to the theater in 17 days time i will come out alone.  I have my husband, he is the most important person to me – but he is the same as me, this is all so new and scary, he will be watching his wife in pain, and he will be watching his child enter the world, his emotions the same as mine, his fears just as overwhelming.

And when i go into recovery, when my new child and husband go to another room, i will be alone.

My fears are real, and my heart is hurting this morning, because i really feel alone, i really just want my mom.

I cant explain the emotions, all i know is it hurts – a lot.

When i am back in that ward, when i am in pain, there will be people and family there – but they will only be there for my baby , and for the excitement and joy – not for me.

As i cried in the shower but 10 minutes ago, all i could think of was that my mother should be there for me, she would be the one who would hold my hand and tell me it was ok, she would be the one who would pass me my child and protect me from the overwhelming emotions that i am about to face… My mother would tell me right now that it would be ok, she would give me a hug and let me know that it was going to be ok.

She wouldnt tell me that there is nothing to worry about, she wouldnt tell me not to cry, she wouldnt tell me that this was all normal and that i wont want to hold my baby instead of being whipped away to recovery, she wouldnt say ‘when i was in labor’ or ‘in my day’…

She would just tell me it would be ok, she would tell me she will be there for me, she would tell me that she will never leave my side.

These are things i cant expect from my husband, i cant expect that from my sisters, and i cant expect that from my best friend – they all have their own roles to play, and the one of my mother is not their responsibility, and because of that i feel so alone.

I know in the end it will be ok, i know that.  But it doesnt change the fact that these emotions make me miss the mother i never knew, that through the milestones of my life i dont have the one person who i believe i want and need, the one person who would take away my fears.

Maybe i am wrong, maybe i live in a fantasy world where mothers fix everything, but no matter how reiculous my dreams of a mother are, it doesnt change the fact that i miss her.

I miss her so very very much, and more than anything in this world right now, i wish she were here to share our precious moment with… More than anything.

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. Washington Irving

Thirty Five Weeks. Four Days. 18 Sleeps to go…

Today we learned about boobs… All about boobs…

Settle down… No we didnt go to a high school sex education class! We went to our baby classes….

And they were, ummmm…… Interesting to say the least, maybe too many images of boobs… I now never want to see another boob again.. Let alone my own!

We did the double skip on last weeks classes which were titled “The journey of labor” and decided only to attend this weeks classes titled “What happens next”

Now i had assumed that we would be learning a few things about babies, and check ups and how they grow, how to hold them, what happens in hospital etc etc etc…. Which we did a little, but the most part of today was spent learning about boobs…

Ok not about boobs as such, about breast feeding.

Now the thing is at the hospital i am at, they have this MASSIVE emphasis on breast feeding – videos in the waiting rooms, posters in the wards, pamphlets everywhere… And i have always wondered why, what woman wouldnt give breast feeding a shot? But i learned today that such emphasis is placed on breast feeding these days because in our parents day it was almost discouraged, and in our parents day it was all about timing and less about what the baby wanted and needed.

I found out so many interesting things today, and i think if i had been told i would be listening to a woman yabber on about boobs for 5 hours i would not have gone, but now as i sit here and ponder over what i have since learned i realise that it is interesting and it was 5 hours well worth while.

I think the most interesting thing i learned today was that breast milk is like a magic potion that fix’s things.  The midwife informed us that if we have sore nipples or if they were cracked… Just rub some milk on them.  If baby has a little sore – breast milk, nappy rash – breast milk… Oh and the most interesting one – on your C-Section scar! Apparently it helps with the healing process… Well i’ll be!

Now breast feeding not something i am that excited about – to be honest i am nervous about the whole thing, all anyone has ever told me is that it is hard, and that it will hurt, and that i will cry – so once again the only information i have had before today has been negative… But after today at least i know that there are people that are more than happy to help, least i know that my husband knows how hard it may be, and how it is all ‘suppose’ to work… At least i feel somewhat more prepared…

For now at least…

Until someone else tells me a nightmare story and once again i feel overwhelmed and scared about the journey to come.

A single conversation with a wise man is better than ten years of study. Chinese Proverb

Thirty Five Weeks. Three Days. 19 Sleeps to go…

I have decided that i love the newest title i have been given of ‘Que Jumper’

Yup thats right… I am a Que jumper, of the 4 people i know due in the next month or so, i have managed to weezle my way up the list 3 spots…. Which as you know i am very very excited about!

But i cant lie, i am still just that little bit overwhelmed by the fact that i will be having a C-Section.  I am trying to see the positives, and i am trying to just focus on how in the end it wont matter, but truth be told it is a major surgury… And that involves just a little bit of fear.

The other day when we got the paper work, i was so excited about the date and calling everyone about the date, i forgot to read the paperwork, and as i sat down this eveneing to go through the nity grity of it all i realised just what i was getting myself into.

I knew the risks before i signed the paper work – i am no fool, and the truth is i dont have a choice… If george is to be safe in my arms, BOTH of us in good health than the C-Section is the only way out…. But it doesnt change the fear factor…

They are cutting me open… And i want to be awake… And again, i know this is done EVERYDAY ALL OVER THE WORLD… But AWAKE while they are cutting me open… What noises do you hear… Does slicing someones guts out sound like anything? Do i feel anything?  Will i feel blood or suction….? What about my poor husband? My gosh i just hope he keeps his head on my side of the curtain….  And what about when the baby is out? I hear it takes ten minutes to get baby out, and 40 minutes to stitch me back up…. Do you feel them poking around inside of you? I mean i know i wont feel pain, but will i feel anything?

EWW… Maybe i should just not think about it at all, maybe i should just pretend that i will be going in to have a normal birth and ahh put on a gown and just think about it when the time comes?

I dont know, i am excited, so excited… Most part of me cant wait, i mean i cant even sleep and its still 19 nights to go, but the other part of me is just… well… Freaked out… Being cut open while your awake… Is that weird, or is that me?  And in saying that, i wont be asleep, nope not me… I want to be there for the child i have dreamed about for so very long.

Plus i also worry about afterward. I am worried i wont be able to be there for my little miracle, that everyone will be wanting to help me so much that they wont give me a chance to be with the one i love so much.  That i physically wont be able to do the things i want to do.  That while i feel prepared for the pain, i wont be.  That i will get upset, that my emotions will get the better of me, that along with the pain i wont give myself a chance, that i will believe that i wont be able to do it…

Most of all i worry that i am just over thinking the whole thing…And if it had all just been a little less planned, that i wouldnt have the chance to think about these silly things….

Just a side note, speaking of silly things i have been thinking about…  I realised today that i get to see my husband in scrubs! LOL, thats gunna be a giggle – bet you cant wait to see the photos…

Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile…initially scared me to death. Betty Bender