I believe in many things, and i am and have always been a ponderer.  I have this habit of thinking back, and saying to myself, what was i doing this time last week, or last month or last year? I am also a little bit of a believer in fate, you know the old saying "what is meant to be will be"... Things happen for a reason.

And no, today i am not talking about infertility and the reason behind it - i think that one will always remain a mystery.

I am talking about my husband.

He is my soul mate, and fate brought us together.

It sounds really sopy but honestly, there were so many variables that may not have lead to me meeting and eventually marrying him.

December 1999 a fax was sent to our home office.  My father received the fax, and as anyone would do, he read it.  It was not intended for him, it was a wrong number.  My father being the man that he was, rang the senders, and again being the chatty man that he is, began a long conversation with the stranger on the other end of the phone.  I was eavesdropping at the time.  It seemed that the person on the other end of the phone was a recruitment agency, my father was chatting up this lady, attempting to get me a job!

The next thing i can remember was heading into the city, presuming i was going to an interview at a new restaurant, i was so nervous!  I turned up on time, walked into this newly renovated casual restaurant to find about 15 other young people toward the back, i walked over to the group.  My only recollection from there was being thrown an apron and told what my roster was.... I was so confused, i already had the job? Didnt even have an interview!

So after working at this restaurant for about 3 months i began to emerge from my shell, and begun making some great friends... Especially with a few of the young and handsome apprentice chefs.  I had a particularly HUGE crush on one of the pizza chefs... I told my best friend of the time about the pizza guy, and every second i was talking and dreaming about him.

Also at the time i had made friends with one of the other young apprentice chefs, and played silly mobile phone 'prank calls' game with him (This is where we used to see how many times we could 'prank' the other person, how many registered missed calls came up on the screen - the winner was the person who could get as many before the person cleared their screen, a little hard to explain, but a stupid teenage game that kept us up till all hours of the night)

Anyway one day i left my phone at my best friends house, and unbeknown to me she stole the number of my young apprentice chef friend, and stored it in my phone.

One night, a little while after that i finished up my shift at the restaurant, grabbed my bag to find 100 missed calls on my phone! Guess who it was, that bloody apprentice chef... So of course i called him back...

The conversation that followed, from what i remember was very awkward, but as fate had it, with out that phone conversation i wouldnt be where i am today.

The conversation began with "a little birdy told me, you liked me..." HUGH? I didnt say it out loud, but i didnt like him! NOOO! i was still head over heals for the pizza boy, but i knew he would never ask me out... sooo... i just went with it.. I sort of mumbled.. "what little birdy?" and then said yes, to "going out"

So who told the apprentice chef i liked him? My best friend.  She went through my phone and thought that when i was talking about the 'pizza boy' i was talking about the apprentice chef, she thought i was madly in love with the apprentice chef... AND SHE TOLD HIM!  What a mix up!

9 years later i am head over heals, madly in love with the apprentice chef.

And i often ponder back and think... If that fax hadnt been sent to the wrong number i may never have meet my apprentice chef.

"FATE: something that unavoidably befalls a person; that of which is inevitably predetermined"

Day 18... We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

"We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly.  But let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way."  Gloria Gaither

Day 18 - Meeting with the scientist before the transfer.  Before the appointment i was told to drink about a litre of water for a full bladder. So today of all days the doctor was about half an hour late, and at this point i was about to wet my pants!  Before the transfer was the meeting with the scientist, who showed me the one, yes thats right out of 16 follicles, 8 eggs, five fertilised, only one embryo survived the distance! HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE FALL PREGNANT BY ACCIDENT?

The transfer consisted of having my legs in stirips for about half an hour with a doctor, a nurse, and a scientist playing around in my uterus while i desperately tried not to pee on them, after all that there was an embryo inside of me... YEAH - now the 10 day wait begins...

During my ten days i not only pondered the meaning of life, i wondered about what i would do if this didnt work, would i go on?  Maybe i would become a baker (dont ask!) maybe we would move to the sunshine coast, maybe i would move to the sunshine coast, start a new life... But then this predicament would surly come around again.  I also managed to not only run into another car, but i got myself a large parking ticket and almost watched my car be towed away... Maybe i should become a local baker and walk to work, anything has got to be better than this.

Day 28 - Blood test day, i have told this story before - Friday 4th September the emotions were just so overwhelming, i thought all my dreams had come true... But it just wasnt meant to be.  Was God taking away what i shouldnt have endeavored into?  Was i being punished once more for something i had done in a previous life? Why? Why me? Why give me my miracle then take it away? What have i done to deserve this? What has my husband and i done to deserve this?

I couldnt figure out my emotions, just as i still can not figure out my emotions right now.  I am sick of being confused, i am sick of being scared that i am doing the wrong thing, i am sick of it all, sick of having to watch every penny, sick of worrying if we will be able to afford this next time, sick of telling my husband that he cant spend any money. Sick of thinking that i am going to send us both broke because of my need, my desire to have children, sick of thinking that it wont happen anyway, sick of making out that my biggest concern in life is whether or not to put one or two embryo's back in.  Just sick, sick like i want to vomit.

The saying says that we shouldnt miss the rainbow along the way - maybe people are learning from me, maybe for some reason this is my time to help someone, maybe this is my time to repay my sister for all she has done for me over my life, by showing her how blessed she is, maybe it is my time to learn how to deal with my emotions, maybe it is my time to figure out my feelings from the past, bring everything to the surface and release it before i continue on.  But what if it is not, what if it is all just a horrible horrible irreversible joke?

What if my life, my very existence - is just a joke?

Where would the rainbow be then?

Today is a great day! Although i began my morning with a tear, there was no need for the tear, and it honestly was only one tear, might be the hormones? Do they work that fast? Even though i have been through this before it still seems new, it seems that once again i am saying that the past few months have been somewhat of a "haze" and maybe that is the hormones again.  Now that i think about it a lot of people have said that i have changed this year, it makes me wonder how much, and for the better or for the worse.  It is one of those questions that you don't dare ask because of the fear of the answer.  Has this made me a stronger person, or has this just made me a sooky sooky lala and a b-i-t-c-h?

I figure if i have changed for the worse, or maybe just changed, i have the right, i mean for the past 7 months i have pumped my body full of this hormone and that hormone, if its not FSH its estrogen, or progesterone, or some other drug... So BLAH to all of you who said i have changed - when was the last time you had to give yourself a needle?

August 7th was day one of my first IVF cycle, i started with the synadrell nose spray (BTW it tastes like crap) to stop me ovulating, then began on 150 iu's (international units) of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to grow my little follicles.

Day 8 was my first scan, where the doctor counted around 10 follicles on my right ovary, and i think there were just a few less on my left.  Now for those of you who have never had your follicles stimulated, let me just tell you, and i imagine it is different for every IVF patient, just let me tell you - it is no picnic - not only are you bloated to all buggery, my gosh it feels like two burning balls of fire on each side!

My dosage of FSH was reduced to 125 iu's for day 9 & 10, then i was scanned again on day 11, where the doctor counted around 16 follicles on my right ovary, cant remember about my left.  But it was time, i was booked in for the egg pick up on day 13.  The pain got more and more intense, and to make matters even worse we were told that my husband needed to - as the doctor put it - "off load" now im not sure about you, but the last thing i wanted to do while i was bloated and hurting was have sex...

Day 13 egg pick up, scheduled for 11.30 am, which means that 36 hours before i had to wake myself up and give myself yet another needle, only this time, i had to play nurse and mix the trigger injection myself, which wasn't easy at 11.30 at night! But through my sleep crusted eyes, of course, i managed. (lucky they give you step by step instructions)

So day 13, from 5.30am i was on nil by mouth, my wonderful husband sat down that morning and ate a full breakfast in front of me.  This didn't really bother me until the nurse's at the clinic mentioned that most other husbands starve in sympathy! Oh well i still love him.  So the egg pick up came, and after a long recovery session (about 2 hours) and being told that i had "blood pressure to die for" we were back in with the nurses, telling us that they collected 8 eggs, which was a good number.  I was quite shocked, because i thought that the 16 follicles would mean that many eggs, but i soon learnt that it is not about quantity is is about quality (a bit like men really).  So the instructions from that point were to rest and tomorrow the scientist would call and advise us how many eggs fertilized - least they weren't calling to tell me how many eggs they ate for breakfast.

Day 14, the scientist calls, now if there is one thing about scientists, i think they need to be more personable, i remember at the time being quite offended that they presented me the information in such a clinical way, dont they understand this is peoples emotions they are playing with? The way it was put to me was that "only five fertilized" and they would call me "if we didn't make it to transfer" WHA? HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE! I might not get to transfer day? NOOOONE told me T-H-A-T! So after the phone conversation, i was worried, and for the next four days i was a little bit on edge thinking that i "may not make it to transfer" BUGGER!

Day 18... We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

So today it starts, my first appointment was this afternoon, my second cycle begins...  I am just so excited i could burst!

So with 97 days in the count, and my second cycle on its way, i finally give you some of the finer details of my story.

September / October 2008 - Stop taking contraception, no period.

December - January 2009/2009 - Hmm still no period, and many many many negative pregnancy tests

February 2009 - STILL no period, this is weird. GP appointment, internal scans, blood tests.  Results of blood test came back with low FSH and LH levels, my GP then referred me to a gyno.  I actually thought it was just going to be a gyno gyno, not a fertility clinic!

March 2009 - Imagine my surprise when i rocked up at the gyno and it was a fertility clinic!

March 2009 - Meet my fabulous and caring Dr J. (or so i reckon anyway!) Had a few scans, which basically confirmed that i had poly cystic ovareries, which to this date i still dont fully understand, all i know is that i dont ovulate. Dr J. suggested we use clomid, and go with IUI's (intrauterine insemination) for the best possible outcome.

April 2009 - First IUI, first two week wait, lots and lots of praying.  No pregnancy, but on the positive side, my first period in more than 6 months! And who gets pregnant the first month they try anyway?

May 2009 - Second IUI, second two week wait, i even believe i had a little bit of anxiety. But no pregnancy we continue on, but this time, the clomid didnt work, and i had used FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections to get me to the point of ovulation.  So my third cycle begun with a double dose of the clomid.

June 2009 - The double dose of clomid didnt work, so back onto the FSH, because of the poly cystic ovaries and my resistance to the drugs, it was becoming harder and harder to stimulate just one to two follicles.  But we got there and went for our third IUI.  At this point the Dr had mentioned that we should think about IVF as this would give us a better outcome, we wern't ready to go there and were still hoping against hope that the IUI's would work.  But it didn't.

July 2009 - Got reffered to get my tubes tested, i forget the name of the test, but my tubes are fine, and the reffering doctor suggested that IUI's were the best way to go.  So we decided to give the IUI's one more chance, again my body became more resilient to the hormones, and it took 20 days to stimulate the follicle, the Dr at this point told us that if it doesnt work we should really consider doing an IVF cycle, so we went  to the IVF meeting with the clinic nurses.

August 2009 - Fourth IUI failed, no surprises there.  So here we go, a fully stimulated IVF cycle....

"When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was."  Gloria Guithes

I can tell you that now that i have put it on paper, i am a whole lot further along the road from where i was, it has been hard, and i often ponder the thought that i went to see the doctor too soon, maybe i would have ovulated by my own, maybe maybe maybe.  But then again, logic says that my ovaries are stuffed, and they need help.  So here we are, tomorrow is another day, and another post, and for now i'm off and will continue my story then...