Thirty Eight Weeks. 1 sleep to go

Twas the night before baby george, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The nursery designed with so much care,
In hopes that baby geroge soon would be there.

The parents were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of baby geroge ran through their heads.
With bags packed and waiting by the door,
The parents tossed and turned, the silence no more.

Hours and minutes linger with nothing a decoy,
As fears become excitement and concerns turn to joy.
With darkness all around and lightness a while away,
The parents still tossed and turned, the emotions hard to convey.

As time ticked by and the sun began to rise,
The parents rolled over and opened their eyes.
They rose from their beds and together they smiled,
Today was the day they would meet their first child….

Remember happiness doesn’t depend upon who you are or what you have; it depends solely on what you think. Dale Carnegie

Thirty Seven Weeks. Six Days. 2 Sleeps to go…

This may be normal, this may be insane, but of late i have found myself in my miracles room, sitting and pondering…

I sit there and wonder what my child will look like, i wonder how he or she will grow, and i wonder about all the time i will spend in this room – worrying, rocking, crying, smiling, laughing, singing, reading, pacing… I wonder and i ponder and i smile to myself…

I am not sure what to expect, i am not sure how much instincts take over, how much should be read and discovered or how much we learn on our own… But i do know that as i sit and ponder in my miracles room, i know that i am ready for this adventure, ready to be a mom.

I hope that the time doesnt fly by, and i hope that i can be there full time for my child as long as possible.  I want to learn to be the mom i never had, and be the mom i know i can be… I want nothing more than to give the child of mine memories to cherish, just as i cherish my own memories with my mom…

It is hard to imagine, even with all that is in this room, that this is real, that this is really happening… Sometimes as i sit and ponder, i have to really make myself believe that i have a baby inside of me, a child just waiting to be meet.

Some days it feels like i am dreaming, like this couldnt be real, and some days even still it feels like it may be taken from me, that it really is too good to be true.

The fears i have, the overwhelming feelings i have been getting, as i sit here and ponder, slowly dissipate, and as i hand my concerns to God, i realise that nothing but my new family matters, that my child will always know her  mom, and that my child will always love and respect her father and her mother, and love her half brother – just as much as we love our george…

Let your heart see what your eyes cannot. Anon

Thirty Seven Weeks. Five Days. 3 Sleeps to go…

It seems i keep forgetting that there is a 6lb baby in front of me…

Now i know that god has designed women to carry babies, and i know that for sure the little one is safe in there, but between you and i – i am not quite sure the poor little tyke wont come out with dents in her head!

It seems that over the past two weeks as my belly has grown, my mind to space ratio has not… It seems i keep forgetting to expand my personal bubble and consequently i keep forgetting that i can no longer ‘squeeze’ through spaces i once was able to…

Yup you heard right, i keep bumping my baby belly not only into things, but into people as well…

Have you ever been to a restaurant, a full restaurant, you get up to go to leave, look around and reaslise that you mentally have to create a path through the maze of people… Looking left and right deciding which route will be the easiest, trying to figure out the best way to avoid bothering the people eating their tea?

Weeelllll you see, when you have a baby belly, it seems that there is no way to avoid bothering people…

The other day as i ate lunch with a friend, as we got up, i went to mentally navigate my way through the furniture and people… Only to realise that there was no way to avoid asking this one gentleman to move…

So in a quiet mouse voice i so very very polity said “scuse me, could i please squeeze through”  with out turning to look the gentleman moved his chair in, i would say less than an inch… Now in my mind, i could fit through the space… Soooooooo i went forward…

Bump…. I hit the man in his back with my belly…

“Scuse me…. ummm scuse me… (clears throut) ummm scuse me…. (my face red, the man finally turns around) Umm i cant get through…”

“oh” and the man finally moves his chair in enough for me to get through…

Terribly embarrassing! I didnt know what to do, where to look… To thank the man, or to hate the man…

And i think the worst thing about the whole situation… It happened to me again yesterday… And again i hit this poor patron in the back with my belly…

Not to mention the hundreds of times i have walked into a wall , pulled the cutlery drawer out too far, pulled my seat in to close to the table, or opened a door too quickly…

Hmm, i guess in three sleeps time we will see if there are little dents in my miracles head!

What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise Oscar Wilde

Thirty Seven Weeks. Four Days. 4 Sleeps to go…

Its too much

It is all too much right now.

I cant do this…. I cant handle this…

I want to be strong, i want to be a better person, but i cant do it.

Right now i have so many emotions running through me, so many emotions taking over me, i just cant handle it.

I want this to be a special time, i want this to be what it should be, exciting, memorable, a dream become reality… But my emotions are taking over and all i feel right now is overwhelmed.

There are so many people that love me, so many people that want to share in my happiness, so many people that just want to hold the child we have wanted for so long in their arms…

But there comes a point where it is all too much, where it becomes more about everyone else than about who it should be. My husband, me and our new child, OUR miracle.

My fears are festering inside of me, i am so excited, yet i am also so scared… Scared of this overwhelming feeling, scared that i have become irrelevant to many people, that this is no longer about my family, no longer about a child that my husband and i have longed for, but about the child that everyone else is so excited about.

I worry that i am but a porn in peoples game, that excitement has overcome common sense, that those i love have forgotten that this is new for me, and that this isnt a natural birth and recovery may take time, that this is a journey that has taken an emotional toll on my husband and i, that we need just a short time together to marvel in the miracle that God has given us, before we share it with the rest of the world.

I think people have forgotten just the journey we went through to get here, and because of that i am terribly overwhelmed.

I pray each of the next four nights for my miracles safe and sound delivery, i pray that my fears diminish, and i pray that in four sleeps time – my husband and i can share a few precious moments alone with the miracle that God has given us to share.

I know in the end it will be ok…

Unless I accept my virtues, I most certainly will be overwhelmed by my faults. Robert Coleman

Thirty Seven Weeks. Three Days. 5 Sleeps to go…

Have you ever heard the phrase “Well she is not the most attractive baby, but…”

Is that possible? I mean, having ugly babies?

SO yes there are the cute ones, and yes there are the ones that may not be worthy of a huggies commercial, but really an ugly baby? And who even really thinks to say such a thing as ‘not the most attractive baby’ or ‘an ugly baby’

And why am i even thinking or asking such a horrid thing?

It all started the other night when my sweet husband and i were talking and we had a few giggles about “what if we have an ugly baby”

My husband says “would you give it back”

Me “you wouldnt know”

Husband “of course you would know”

Me “no you wouldnt”

It went on like this for ever and a day…

But honestly, YOU WOULDNT KNOW!

You have spent so long trying to fall pregnant, you have been to hell and back, you have endured nine months of worry for something you instantly fell in love with the second it was no bigger that a pin prick… You wouldnt even know… You wouldnt even care…

You would live in bliss loving your ugly baby until the day you die…. Thats what i believe…But still we giggle, and we argue…

And i still say there is no such thing as having an ugly baby… Cause you wouldnt know it!

…And still my husband disagrees…

So, is there still such a thing as an ugly baby?

A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. Eda J. Le Shan

Thirty Seven Weeks. 8 Sleeps to go…

Today for the first time in a long while i enjoyed some time in a book store.

Most of my life i have been one to pop into the book store for a quiet coffee or a quiet catch up with a friend… For a book that i simply had to get, but never had the time to browse…  But today was different.

Today i had time, today there were no friends to distract me, today there was no set purpose… Today i had time to get a coffee and to look around, and today i was taken back to my own childhood memories simply by looking through books.

As i walked through the childrens section, through all the new age books, through the over priced toys, through the displays and through all the colours of the rainbow, i spotted at the corner of my eye a little book that had to be one of my all time favorites as a child.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

I HAD to have it for my George.

The little book about a caterpillar… I dont know if there is a moral to the story, i dont know if it is a teaching book, i dont know if there are any real reasons why this is such a good childrens book, but i do know that for me it brought back memories of my childhood with my mother, that the second i saw the book and the overpriced caterpillar toy – I just had to have them for my own child.

I dont know if this book will have memories for my child the way that it did for me, i dont know if any books or toys will have that effect, but i do know that i want to give my little miracle all the inspiration and knowledge that i can – and i think the only way i know how to do this is the same way i was… And maybe even with the same books as i was read…

Such warm feelings… Such wonderful emotions…. All from a colourful little book

The worth of a book is to be measured by what you can carry away from it.  James Bryce

Thirty Six Weeks.  Six Days. 9 Sleeps to go…

You know how some people can just say what they feel, say what they want to say no matter who they offend… The people that stand up for themselves no matter what?

Or the people who know just how to say what needs to be said, in just the right way, at just the right time so everything goes just as it needs to go, just as they want it to go?

What about the people who say nothing, and just let it stew and stew inside until the last minute when the situation gets uncontrolable and they explode in frustration and anger?

I know that i am not the person who says anything and everything no matter who they offend, and i know i am not the person who knows how to approach a topic without offending people…. And honestly i am scared that beacuse i cant be the person who speaks out, i will be the person who explodes – and i dont want to be.

I want to take on board all the advice that i can get, i want to let people experience and appreciate my miracle as much as i do, but i am worried about it all becoming to much, and i am worried i wont be able to stand up for what i believe in and what i want.

When you are a mother, do you just know how to voice your opinion without seeming like a cranky lady?

When you are a mother, are you instantly able to put your foot down and stand up for your beliefs?

When you are a mother, are you a stronger woman then you are now?

Once again, i just feel so overwhelmed, and so scared, and i just want to feel like i am in control, not that everyone else is in control of me. I want to know in my heart that if i say this is this, or if i want what i want, that people will listen to me, respect my wishes, and understand, with out hating me, without deciding that they dont want me in their family or as their friend…

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. Friedrich Nietzsche