Emotional

The Truth.

July 20, 2011 0 Comments

I didnt know that i wasnt meant to feel this way.

For a while i thought this was normal.

I thought i needed to talk to someone because my heart was hurting and my husband just didnt understand…. But i thought that i was ok, i thought that the other emotions were part of life, i thought… I didnt think that… I didnt realise that…

It didnt cross my mind that i could be depressed, that i could be suffering from anxiety… But the doctor, she says that i am and now it all makes sense…

The tears over my morning coffee, the screams of emotional pain that come out after running until i cannot breath, the tension i feel when nothing is right or when everything is right… My hear racing in the car as im stopped by another red light, the lists of things to do and things i must not do, the constant battle i feel with myself and my weight… Falling to the floor in anger after a fight with my husband – screaming at him simply for a hug, punching the tiles, the fear in my eyes, the hurt in my heart, the pain as i sob on the floor wishing with everything inside of me that my mother was there to pick me up of the floor, that someone anyone would just tell me it will be ok…

I am struggling, everyday, others may not see it – i do well with a smile… But when i am alone, at the end of the day before i fall asleep… Its just not right, i can see now that it is just not right.

I want my mum, i want a mothers love, i want to know what it is like to be loved by a mother…. To have a family, to feel a part of something special.

Because right now i feel alone, so alone.

I have everything, yet i have nothing.

Right now i live for my girl… But i want to live for more.

Filed Under: 20. Conquer the Demons of my past, 30 before 30, Emotional, My Miracles Life Begins, Nine to Twelve Months

Some People Could Never Understand…

June 1, 2011 0 Comments

Day 280 in my miracles life

Today proved to me that some people could never understand.

As i browsed through the beautiful boutique shop, as i looked over the exquisit hand stitched products falling more and more in love with each item, the shop keeper approached me and we began chatting…

As the conversation developed we found ourselves talking about IVF and the pain that some people go through, the pain the i went through, to meet their miracles, and the time that people invest on their life long dream of being a family. We spoke deeper and deeper, the conversation not ending until the seemingly lovely lady said something i couldnt handle, said something that only a woman who has never experienced such longing, such heart ache, such agony could say.

“Some woman just arnt meant to be mothers”

I couldnt breath, i think my heart stopped, but the lovely lady continued

“Just as not everyone was meant to be an astronaut, not all women are meant to be mothers – some women just arnt meant to have babies”

I couldnt take it, i couldnt hear it, i just had to get out of there, i had to leave before i let out the breath i was holding in with all my might, for if that breath came out, if my mouth opened i just know that i would have regreted the words i would have spoken to the seemingly lovely shop keeper, i would have reagreated saying words that i know this woman could not possibly comprehend, could not possibly understand in her life time.

I left the shop ( I did purchase what i was looking at) i left the seemingly lovely lady standing at the counter and as i walked onto the pavement i was heart broken, just heart broken. How could such a lovely lady believe such a horrid thing?

How could someone possibly believe that a woman doesnt deserve her own child? How could another woman say such a thing? How is it that people believe that a woman with a healthy uterus is more deserving that a woman with an unhealthy uterus? How could someone believe that? How, why, why? It breaks my heart, it truly does that people, that women can believe such a thing.

Today i realised that some people could never understand, will never understand and will never ever truly know just how much some people are willing to give to find their miracle….

And today i realised that no matter how much time passes i will never stop standing up for those women who choose to hold onto hope, to have faith and to believe that this all happens for a reason, that there is no ‘natural selection’ that God intended each and every woman to have her own – if that is what she so chooses.

Some people, they will never understand….

Filed Under: Emotional, My Miracles Life Begins, Nine to Twelve Months

Sometimes i feel like…

May 12, 2011 0 Comments

Sometimes i feel like a peice of shit under a rock.

Sometimes i feel like everyone else cares more about everyone else than me.

Sometimes i feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do for others it is just not good enough, that i am just not good enough for anyone.

Sometimes i just feel like the one person on this earth who i want to notice me, to tell me they care, to show me in SOMEWAY that they love me – just cant, just doesnt want to, or just doesnt care enough about me for me to warrant any thought.

Today, this afternoon i feel like a piece of shit not worthy to be anywhere else but hidden under a rock.

And i am going to post this, and i am going to stand true to my feelings no matter how hurtful they are to others, because guess what? I am hurting too… Its just no one cares, well not the someone who i desperately want to care.

Filed Under: Emotional, My Miracles Life Begins, Nine to Twelve Months

Anger

March 28, 2011 0 Comments

Day 216 in my miracles life

They say you should write how you feel, they say you should express your emotions, tell it how it is, write it as you feel it so that the emotions dont overcome you, dont become you, so that whatever it is that is holding you back can be freed from within and your life and the people within it will not be consumed by your emotions…

Thats what they said, what someone said, and what i do… And believe it or not it helps.

I am angry. So angry. A large part of me is just so angry and i dont know why. I dont know who i am angry at, maybe i am still angry at God, maybe i am angry at myself and maybe i am angry at the world that surrounds me – i dont know, all i know is that inside there is anger.

Each morning i wake and i am grateful for the world that i live in, for the things that surround me, for the life i lead, and if it is one thing i am sure of it is that i am happy and that no matter how much i want in life, no matter how much i think that i need certain things, i know deep down that i have all that i need – i have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and the family that i dreamed of for so long – but no matter how many mornings i sit and watch the sunrise in awe of its beauty filled with happiness there is still a part of me that is angry.

Each month when emotions are running high, when there is no control, when i cant stop the feelings from escaping me, i get angry, so angry that it scares me. I turn into this person that isnt me, that is uncontrolable a person so filled with rage that she screams and yells at the people she loves the most in this world… And i am tired of it, i am tired of letting my anger escape me and i am scared that one day the people who are here to support me, one day they wont be able to take my anger anymore and they will leave.

I want to know why i am so angry, why once a month i cant control it, why once a month women must endure not only pain and discomfort but uncontrolable emotions as well… And i want to know why my emotion is anger – What made me so angry?

When i have everything, when i am happy, when i am grateful and filled with love – why am i so angry?

Filed Under: Emotional, My Miracles Life Begins, Six to Nine Months

The Time Has Come… A decision must be made!

March 1, 2011 0 Comments

Day 189 in my miracles life

Yesterday i got a letter in the post.

The last letter i can remember receiving in the post was on August 3, 2010 it was by far the best letter i have ever received in my life time, and nothing in this world could ever beat the feelings inside i got from opening that single letter – i will never forget the day i opened that letter.

There is a funny feeling inside when you collect the post, sift through all the envelopes you know are bills and find something addressed to yourself that you know is not a bill. Something unexpected. It is not hand written – so you know it is not a card, it is not something you have requested – so you know its not a catalogue… You cant wait to open it, curiosity takes over, so you stop at the front of your home and you open that letter, and you read it as you walk slowly back to the house.

I knew it was coming, my husband and i have discussed it often, but when it comes… It makes the decision so much more real, so much more scary, it makes you rethink a decision you thought you already had the answer to.

And consequently, i dont know how i feel anymore, i cant make up my mind, i dont know what i want.

The letter was in fact a bill.

An amount to be paid if we want to keep our embryos on ice. A storage fee. And a heart wrenching question hidden behind a simple figure…

And now i dont know what to do.

I dont want another child, maybe to you that sounds selfish – but to me its a choice, a decision i made long ago. I dont want to go through IVF again, i dont want to go through the heart wrenching pain i went through & i dont want to put thousands of dollars into something that may completely destroy the soul i have just discovered, the soul i have just spent six months finding again.

I love my miracle, but inside i feel that if i venture on the quest for another, i will forget how thankful i am for her, i will forget just how precious she is to me, and inside seep sown i am so scared that if i decide to have another child – i wont be able to give up, i wont know when to stop, that i will become the person i have finally just let of.

But somewhere deep inside i dont know if i can ‘dispose’ of my embryos, simply because they are a part of me, they are what ‘could be’ a child of mine, and somewhere deep inside i feel that if i let go of these embryos i will be a killer, a murder, the person who wanted to be a mother so bad yet she is happy just to dispose of her embabies…. A hypocrite.

So now i dont know what to do, i know what i want to do – but i dont know if i have the heart to do it.

Filed Under: Emotional, My Miracles Life Begins, Six to Nine Months

Does anyone else feel the same way i do?

January 16, 2011 0 Comments

Day 145 in my miracles life

Does anyone else ever feel this alone?

Does anyone else sit at home and feel so lucky yet so sad at the same time?

Does anyone else feel so trapped, like there is no where to go, nothing to do, that their world is spinning so out of control, time passing them by with out them knowing where it went?

Does anyone else feel the same way i do?

Some days while i know i am so blessed and while i know just how lucky and happy my life is, i just feel like i dont know what i am doing, i dont know if i am doing it right. Some days i sit and wonder if i am cut out for this job, if i was interviewed and judged if they would hire me, if they would say i was perfect for the position, if they would smile at me and tell me they cant wait to see the difference i make. Some days i wonder if i was hired for this job if they would keep me on or if they would fire me, i wonder how i know if i am doing it right, if my little girl is happy, if my little miracle is content.

Some days i wonder does anyone else feel the same way i do?

And i wonder if it would make me feel less alone, to know that i am not alone?

Filed Under: Emotional, My Miracles Life Begins, Three to Six Months

Day 261 – I was hit with envy…

June 10, 2010 0 Comments

Twenty-Seven Weeks, Two Days. Day 193 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 89 days to go…

I never thought i would feel this way, i never thought that these feelings would be apart of me, but yesterday as i overheard a conversation i was overwhelmed with feelings of envy, self pity that ran through me.

I heard the words that before i was pregnant would have brought me to tears… “She fell pregnant on the first attempt”

Yesterday i was not in tears, i was not upset, i was simply envious, i was hit with self pity… And honestly i wondered where it came from….

I dont know if these are normal feelings, i dont know if this is me being ‘over emotional’ i dont know if these feelings are even right… But they were there.

And i wonder if these sorts of emotions will be there for the rest of my life, if these emotions are permanently fixed into my subconscious, if damage has been done, and cannot be undone.

I know it is no ones fault that i was one of the ‘unlucky ones’ i know that it is no ones fault that others can get pregnant easily and i cant… I know these things…

But for some reason the emotion was there… And honestly, yes i am a little ashamed….

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own. Harold Coffin

Filed Under: Emotional, The Final Cycle

Day 255 – Tomorrow it will all be ok…

June 4, 2010 0 Comments

Twenty-Six Weeks, Three days. Day 187 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 95 days to go…

As i drove home this evening the tears steamed down my checks, and i didnt try to stop them. This week has been hard, one of the hardest if my life. And tonight i could do nothing but cry.

A year ago all i was thinking was “I just have to get pregnant, once i am pregnant everything will be ok” i believed that as soon as that miracle was in the making everything would be ok, happiness would follow and the best nine months of my life would be had.

Today i realised, this week i began to realise that that was a dream, that i was silly to believe that, that this is not how the story goes.

I am scared, i am more scared than i ever ever been before, and each day it doesnt get better, it gets worse… I just get more scared as the steaks get higher.

The love in my heart i have for my child is remarkable, i know i must trust in myself and God and know that my little miracle is safe, but right now i just cant help but be scared. I tell myself one day at a time, one day at a time… But in a world of the unknown, in a world where one must trust in their decisions and their instincts, it is so hard, just so hard to know just when to be scared, just when to have fear, and to know just when everything is as it should be.

Each night i talk to my miracle, i tell my george that she will be born on the 8th september 2010, i speak confidence into myself, but sometimes it isnt enough. Sometimes all i can do is pray for the next three months to pass by quickly and trouble free, for the next 95 days to fly by without fear and doubt.

I want nothing more than to trust that everything is ok, i want nothing more than to ‘relax and enjoy’ but i cant, i cant put on a brave face tonight, and i cant stop the tears from falling, because tonight, this week – i am scared.

Right now as i lay in bed, waiting just waiting for little kicks to reassure me, i tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow it will all be ok…

Tomorrow it will all be ok…

Yesterday is but today’s memory, and tomorrow is today’s dream. Kahlil Gibran

Filed Under: Emotional, The Final Cycle

Day 251 – And it becomes so real..

May 31, 2010 0 Comments

Twenty-Five Weeks. Six Days. Day 183 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

We say that we have to be positive, we say that negative thoughts cant pass our minds, we say that nothing like that could possibly happen to us, we say that we have to have faith.

But on a night like tonight, my faith is somewhat shattered, my bubble of hope now has a hole in it, my mind unstable, and my heart hurting.

As i got home this evening, but ten minutes ago, i logged on to see an update, and update that shattered me in two, an update that broke my heart, broke my husbands heart, made this all seem so real, too real, too scary, and made me realise once again that this is the most scariest journey i have ever been on…

I read the words that would break anyone’s heart “Its all over. We lost another son. Our beloved Wyatt River now joins his brothers in heaven.” A stranger, yet such a friend, someone who i talk to each day, someone who we all turn to for advice, someone that is always there when you need her, is hurting tonight, and i know that no words will ever heal the pain she is in right now.

A million miles away from me, yet so close, her child but two weeks younger than mine…

It scares me to death, and all i can do is hold onto the faith i have, and pray – pray for my friend, pray for her family, and pray for the little spirit that was lost tonight.

The journeys we face, the terror we feel, the sadness we have to overcome, this is what makes us need our faith and hope. And in the end all we have is hope, all we have is God, and all we have is the believe in a world, in a life that one day will bring us happiness, that one day must bring us something more than pain and uncertainty.

Tonight before i rest, i pray, i pray with everything inside of me for those i love and for the people i treasure, and for the people out there who are hurting and who feel as though they may never be able to be healed.

All i can do is pray.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. St. Francis of Assisi

Filed Under: Emotional, The Final Cycle

Day 237 – Just makes you want to scream!

May 17, 2010 0 Comments

Twenty-Three Weeks. Six Days. Day 169 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

How many times last year did i scream out shouting how unfair this world is? How many times did i cry, did my family cry for me because of the pain i went through to get to where i am now?

Too many.

I wish people understood what others go through to have what they take for granted. I just wish there was a way to make people understand.

I am no better than anyone else, and i remember in one of my meetings with the IVF psychologist he asked me if i thought i was better than others, he asked if i thought i deserved children more than anyone else… And at the time i answered no, and still now in my heart the answer is no, but sometimes… sometimes, sometimes my mind says yes…

Two things i saw and heard today, yup in one single day, two things that now i wish i could tell the psychologist about and ask him then if i deserve this more… And maybe i dont deserve it more, i am no better, God created us all as equals, but i know in my heart these things i saw wernt right, and even now it just makes me want to scream!

The hospital grounds are non smoking, so a meter from the entrance to the grounds you must walk through generally about 10 people in a cloud of smoke… Today as i entered the grounds i saw a pregnant lady smoking… NOT FAIR! Not fair to the child, and not fair to me, who had to walk through the smoke wondering why it took my very well looked after body so long to find my miracle…
On the news as i waited for the doctor there was a story of a mother out for a drive with her children in the car – she was SIX times the legal limit! And all she got was three years license suspension… PUT HER IN JAIL peoples! That is attempted murder….

Just not fair, just makes you want to scream! And no i am not better than anyone, i am just an ordinary person who makes mistakes, but i know what is wrong and what is right, i know that children deserve better than that and i know that sometimes you have to sacrifice something yourself to do what is right by the little miracles of this world. I just dont understand why others dont see it like that? And i dont understand why good honest people, not only me but people who are my friends, have to see these things and wonder what they did wrong to deserve the pain of infertility?

And even though i am through all that, even though i am on the other side of my pain, it still hurts to see and hear these things, it really does make me want to SCREAM!

ARGH!

Sometimes people don’t hear you until you scream. Stefanie Powers

Filed Under: Emotional, The Final Cycle