I never thought i would feel this way, i never thought that these feelings would be apart of me, but yesterday as i overheard a conversation i was overwhelmed with feelings of envy, self pity that ran through me.

I heard the words that before i was pregnant would have brought me to tears... "She fell pregnant on the first attempt"

Yesterday i was not in tears, i was not upset, i was simply envious, i was hit with self pity... And honestly i wondered where it came from....

I dont know if these are normal feelings, i dont know if this is me being 'over emotional' i dont know if these feelings are even right... But they were there.

And i wonder if these sorts of emotions will be there for the rest of my life, if these emotions are permanently fixed into my subconscious, if damage has been done, and cannot be undone.

I know it is no ones fault that i was one of the 'unlucky ones' i know that it is no ones fault that others can get pregnant easily and i cant... I know these things...

But for some reason the emotion was there... And honestly, yes i am a little ashamed....

Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own. Harold Coffin

As i drove home this evening the tears steamed down my checks, and i didnt try to stop them.  This week has been hard, one of the hardest if my life. And tonight i could do nothing but cry.

A year ago all i was thinking was "I just have to get pregnant, once i am pregnant everything will be ok"  i believed that as soon as that miracle was in the making everything would be ok, happiness would follow and the best nine months of my life would be had.

Today i realised, this week i began to realise that that was a dream, that i was silly to believe that, that this is not how the story goes.

I am scared, i am more scared than i ever ever been before, and each day it doesnt get better, it gets worse... I just get more scared as the steaks get higher.

The love in my heart i have for my child is remarkable, i know i must trust in myself and God and know that my little miracle is safe, but right now i just cant help but be scared.  I tell myself one day at a time, one day at a time... But in a world of the unknown, in a world where one must trust in their decisions and their instincts, it is so hard, just so hard to know just when to be scared, just when to have fear, and to know just when everything is as it should be.

Each night i talk to my miracle, i tell my george that she will be born on the 8th september 2010, i speak confidence into myself, but sometimes it isnt enough.  Sometimes all i can do is pray for the next three months to pass by quickly and trouble free, for the next 95 days to fly by without fear and doubt.

I want nothing more than to trust that everything is ok, i want nothing more than to 'relax and enjoy' but i cant, i cant put on a brave face tonight, and i cant stop the tears from falling, because tonight, this week - i am scared.

Right now as i lay in bed, waiting just waiting for little kicks to reassure me, i tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow it will all be ok...

Tomorrow it will all be ok...

Yesterday is but today's memory, and tomorrow is today's dream. Kahlil Gibran

We say that we have to be positive, we say that negative thoughts cant pass our minds, we say that nothing like that could possibly happen to us, we say that we have to have faith.

But on a night like tonight, my faith is somewhat shattered, my bubble of hope now has a hole in it, my mind unstable, and my heart hurting.

As i got home this evening, but ten minutes ago, i logged on to see an update, and update that shattered me in two, an update that broke my heart, broke my husbands heart, made this all seem so real, too real, too scary, and made me realise once again that this is the most scariest journey i have ever been on...

I read the words that would break anyone's heart "Its all over. We lost another son. Our beloved Wyatt River now joins his brothers in heaven." A stranger, yet such a friend, someone who i talk to each day, someone who we all turn to for advice, someone that is always there when you need her, is hurting tonight, and i know that no words will ever heal the pain she is in right now.

A million miles away from me, yet so close, her child but two weeks younger than mine...

It scares me to death, and all i can do is hold onto the faith i have, and pray - pray for my friend, pray for her family, and pray for the little spirit that was lost tonight.

The journeys we face, the terror we feel, the sadness we have to overcome, this is what makes us need our faith and hope.  And in the end all we have is hope, all we have is God, and all we have is the believe in a world, in a life that one day will bring us happiness, that one day must bring us something more than pain and uncertainty.

Tonight before i rest, i pray, i pray with everything inside of me for those i love and for the people i treasure, and for the people out there who are hurting and who feel as though they may never be able to be healed.

All i can do is pray.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. St. Francis of Assisi

How many times last year did i scream out shouting how unfair this world is?  How many times did i cry, did my family cry for me because of the pain i went through to get to where i am now?

Too many.

I wish people understood what others go through to have what they take for granted.  I just wish there was a way to make people understand.

I am no better than anyone else, and i remember in one of my meetings with the IVF psychologist he asked me if i thought i was better than others, he asked if i thought i deserved children more than anyone else... And at the time i answered no, and still now in my heart the answer is no, but sometimes... sometimes, sometimes my mind says yes...

Two things i saw and heard today, yup in one single day, two things that now i wish i could tell the psychologist about and ask him then if i deserve this more...  And maybe i dont deserve it more, i am no better, God created us all as equals, but i know in my heart these things i saw wernt right, and even now it just makes me want to scream!

1. The hospital grounds are non smoking, so a meter from the entrance to the grounds you must walk through generally about 10 people in a cloud of smoke... Today as i entered the grounds i saw a pregnant lady smoking...  NOT FAIR! Not fair to the child, and not fair to me, who had to walk through the smoke wondering why it took my very well looked after body so long to find my miracle...
2. On the news as i waited for the doctor there was a story of a mother out for a drive with her children in the car - she was SIX times the legal limit! And all she got was three years license suspension...  PUT HER IN JAIL peoples!  That is attempted murder....

Just not fair, just makes you want to scream!  And no i am not better than anyone, i am just an ordinary person who makes mistakes, but i know what is wrong and what is right, i know that children deserve better than that and i know that sometimes you have to sacrifice something yourself to do what is right by the little miracles of this world.  I just dont understand why others dont see it like that?  And i dont understand why good honest people, not only me but people who are my friends, have to see these things and wonder what they did wrong to deserve the pain of infertility?

And even though i am through all that, even though i am on the other side of my pain, it still hurts to see and hear these things, it really does make me want to SCREAM!

ARGH!

Sometimes people don't hear you until you scream. Stefanie Powers

Scared doesnt even begin to describe it...

It is not just me anymore, it is someone else's life i am responsible for now.

I didnt want to be a hypochondriac and i didnt want to be the girl who over analyzes everything, gets scared at the drop of a pin, scared of everything...  But then again i didnt want to be the one that said "if only" or "if only i had"...

The truth is i am scared, and nothing can change that...

Today i woke up and i thought all was better, i thought my faint illness of the past few days had passed, but i was wrong... As the day progressed i felt less and less like myself, less like everything was ok, and more and more like there was something wrong.... Little cramps and niggling back pain overwhelmed my thoughts, i didnt know what to do.

I had to stop and tell myself that it is not just me anymore, there is a life that i need to look out for, so i did what i wasnt quite sure i should do; i went to the hospital.

There is nothing that can be found, tests were done and sent away, and a scan is booked for a week... But other than that, nothing, just rest... Rest...

I overdid it... The life i used to lead needs to be put on hold, i need to stop and think about the person, my child, my miracle, the love of my life, in side of me growing... I need to stop, and i need to slow down.

I must sacrifice and stop, i must get my priorities in order and no matter what the situation, no matter what is on the line for me, i must stop and simply think of george...

It is not just me anymore, it is someone else s life i must look out for first....  Simply because i couldnt imagine this day forward without my little miracle...

Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away. From the movie Evita

I have come a long way.

I have just finished reading my good friend Kates blog, and it has made me remember so much.

I sat there in tears reading her post, knowing that each word while causing so much pain, was so true, and so heart felt. I had been there, i had felt that much pain, and i know how much it hurts, and just how strong you have to be to go on, to live your life, or pretend to live you life at the least...

her post brought back memories the day i got the results of my first IVF blood test, and it also brought back memories of the days, and weeks that followed....

For those of you who dont know my story, my first IVF round was August 2009.  I got a positive HCG, then later my levels dropped and i was told that i miscarried...  The way that it happened may not be as devastating as other women have had to go through, but for me, it was the most devastating moment of my life, something that will cause me pain until the day i die.

On that day September 7, 2009 i broke down like i had never before.  I couldnt handle it, i sat in the front of my office waiting for my husband to collect me in a ball of tears.  No one knew how to comfort me, no one knew what to say, because each time someone said something i just started crying more.  I dont remember going home, i dont remember the words my husband said to me, all i remember was the pain.

The hurt in my heart, the feeling so deep down that no matter how many tears came out, no matter how many times i screamed, the pain wouldnt go away, it just sat there.

I remember someone said to me a few weeks later, they said i had cried like someone died, like i lost someone i had loved for so very long... I felt like that person looked down on me, like they thought i had no right to cry so much.

And to be honest at the time i had almost agreed with them, i had thought that i had been silly to feel the pain of this miscarriage, i felt like i had no right to hurt so much.

But i know now that i was wrong.

I did loose someone, i lost a child.  I dont care if that child didnt have arms or legs, and i dont care if no one else feels the same.  I lost a child, in my heart, i lost a child, i was given hope, i was told that i would be a mother, then it was all taken away from my like some sick joke... And i will be honest and tell you the pain i felt at the time was almost worse than the pain of loosing my mother.

Unless you have been here, unless you have been through the pain the infertility and all its shit brings, you will NEVER understand...  It hurts, it hurts more than anyone realises, and even when you get through it, even when you see your light at the end of the tunnel, even when you are halfway through a very well progressing pregnancy, and i know even when i am holding my miracle baby i treasure so much... It will still hurt like hell.

But i also know, that the pain is made better by knowing that you are not alone, that there are people in this world who care, that there are people who are willing to tell you their hardest story, to share their pain with you and to help you get through the times that you never thought you could go on.

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. Anon

You know the feeling of uncontrollable emotions, its the feeling of frustration you get from thousands of follicle stimulating drugs - you know that feeling...

When the emotions are all messed up, when you cant control what you are feeling or the extent to what you are feeling them to.  When your mind is so messed up everything is 100 times worse then it really is.  When yelling your frustrations out is your only option, when crying uncontrollably is the only thing that will sort your brain out, when no in between emotion is acceptable?

You know that feeling....

It has come back, with a vengeance...

Week fifteen, and i can not in anyway control how i am feeling.

I am not sure if it is because i am working so hard and for such long hours, or if because i am just tired, or maybe i have really turned into the crazy bitch i feared i was...?

All i know is that my emotions are escaping me day in and day out, and i cant help but to say what i think, i cant help but to get angry, and i cant help but to let everything frustrate me no end...

I will try to put them back in, i have recognized that i am over emotional and i will try, but well.... It really is that feeling of not being in control.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. Phyllis Diller

I am frustrated.

The other day i had a friend begin to tell me what to do, it was indirect and put in the form of a question, but she was defiantly telling me what to do... "Should you have done this..."  In another situation i was asked what to do, i answered that i would look after it, and it was done (very unhappily) by that person anyway.

In a another lifetime i used to have a friend, a best friend - well a frienamy - who just HAD to tell me what to do, after years and years of trying to disagree, or say that i would take her advise, i gave up and used to just agree to do what she said, for fear of  'getting in trouble'.

Latley i feel like everyone is my boss, i feel like screaming out loud "why do you think you can boss me around?"

I understand authority and i respect it where it is due, but in some situations it seems that my colleagues and friends, i feel, want to be my boss, take over from what i am doing, rather than just lending a helping hand.

I feel like i am a pushover.

I understand that in some situations are trying to help, however if you are trying to help, shouldnt an "i'll think about it" or an "i'll look after that" be enough?

If you are my friend shouldnt you understand that if the advice you are giving isnt quite right for me, then i dont have to take it, that i am capable of making the right choices in my life?

Shouldnt it be understood that we may not agree, but just because we dont agree doesnt mean we need to have an argument...

In my beliefs a friend or colleague should understand your personality - if they respect you, if they understand who you are, then they should know that what you do or dont do is your choice... But for me it seems that people just feel the need to be my boss.

The way i see it is life is not about who is in charge, life is about team work, about helping one another to get tasks done, to get problems solved and to lend a helping hand when it is needed, to be a friend, not a superior.

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

I thought by now the stress or worry about the pregnancy would be over, and i thought that in my mind i would have confidence and security about the future.

But to be honest i dont, and to be honest i am scared out of my mind.

There are so many if, buts, maybes, questions you dont want to ask yourself, fears you are afraid to admit, and most of all fears that you are scared that if you admit people will think poorly of you.

I am scared that i have done something wrong, or that i will do something wrong that will hurt my george.  I am scared that geroge is not ok in there, because i cannot feel anything but slight little cramps that the doctor tells me is ligaments stretching and moving. I am scared that i will start to bleed, and i am scared that my stress from work will hurt little george.

I am scared that if i make it to september, that i wont be a good mother, i am scared that i will be cranky, and i am scared that i will do everything wrong.

I am scared because i am scared, and i am scared that being scared is stupid.

I just dont know, i have turned into an over emotional, over thinking stressed little girl who should be grateful for what she has, but is to scared to even let herself dream.

Where has my courage gone?

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death. Earl Wilson

How can i say it is over?

How can i say that i am am giving up?

How can i say that this is it?

I dont know.  But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore.  Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. "i am over it" and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.

I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI's, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore.  I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.

I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI's or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.

I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way...

I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.

I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.

I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.

I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun...

I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.

I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on.  But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.

For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am  - how can i possibly be a mother?

Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses

I was going to write something funny tonight, my nurse gave me a new technique called the grab and stab... but that will have to wait until tomorrow, as i have a friend in need...

I have just finished reading my friends blog and i am in tears not knowing quite what to do or say...

I know too well the emotions she is feeling right now and i honestly feel her pain. Getting a BFN... it is so hard, its not fair, its just not fair!...

No matter what happens, no matter the hope we have, no matter what anyone says, no matter how kind the words are, no matter how hopeful the 'next' chance is, there is always still that voice in the back of your mind wondering, what about me? Why cant it have happened this time, last time, or why couldnt it have happened a year ago?  Why God WHY!? WHAT ABOUT ME!

Last week i too got a BFN - my 3rd official IVF BFN and my 7th official fertility assisted BFN... That is seven times i have had to go through this and seven times i have had to pick my self up and give myself enough hope to continue, seven times i have cried and cried and cried - just like my friend.

And just like my friend i look up into the sky, into the heavens, and said 'why me? what have i done wrong? what have i done to dserve this?

My faith this year has gone from hot to cold, cold to hot, i have been so angry at God at times i have swore never to believe again, i swore that there could not be a God for if there was he surely would not be so cruel... But then i watch the sunrise, i enjoy what i have, and i find myself right back where i started, praying that things will work out, praying for family, praying for friends, praying for people i dont know, praying... and if i pray, it must be that i believe... My husband tells me that it is what gets me through, and maybe it is, maybe just saying what we want out loud, believing in miracles, is what faith is about...

I dont know, i dont understand it, sometimes it really is just too hard...

I never know the answers, and i believe it is because there isnt any, i wish i had the answers for my friend, i wish i could prove that God is out there, feeling her pain... but i cant, and i dont even have any words to comfort her...

So many people have told us that God has a plan, or that God is testing us, or that we are being put through this because we are strong, i feel my friends pain when she says "Why is this so hard? Why are you making this so hard on us? Just tell me what I need to do for this to work! Tell me how to make this ache in my heart stop! I need to believe your real...I need to feel your presence...I need something....." I have screamed into the heavens that i dont want this anymore, i have screamed that i dont want something better, i have screamed that this isnt fair, and i have screamed and begged for my own child, and i have cried so hard and for so long that my head hurt so much that i couldnt breath anymore..

And at the end of it all, the next day, i wake up and realise that there is nothing i can do... there is nothing i can do... which is why i pray... because if there is nothing i can do but pray, then i am doing something right? and maybe that is what faith is for, maybe that is what faith is... when you have nothing else but a glimmer of hope...

I am going round and round in circles, but it is because i have no answers, i really wish i had answers, or at least some words, if not for me, for my friend who needs them most of all right now...

I have thought in the past 'i wish i could see the results of my prayers' but then i sit here tonight, and realise that i do, i have seen the results of my prayers... there have been at least 4 from what i can count BFP's in the last two weeks... that has to mean something doesnt it?  But that doesnt help me, and that doesnt answer my personal prayers, and that doesnt help my friend who is currently crying herself to sleep... WHAT ABOUT US LORD, WHAT ABOUT US?

Tonight instead of a hallmark finish, instead of saying something that could make others feel better, that would solve some internal faith debates... I sit here and i ask the same question..

ARE YOUR THERE GOD? are you there...

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” CS Lewis

I am so confused right now i am not sure what to do, your father and i think we may have decided that this is the last time we will chase you.  Our minds are exhausted from all this turmoil and anguish, we are not even sure that doing this one last time is the right thing to do, but i dont think i am ready yet to give in yet, to say good bye to you.

I am, like your father scared and confused, i am not sure what God's will is, and i again am not sure if what we are doing is right, but in my mind all i can think is that i said i would chase you for 100 days, and child, there is still 34 days to go on this challenge.

Putting a time line on such a challenge may not have been wise, putting your creation in the words 'a challenge' may not be wise either, but had had no other choice than to put this journey in terms that make it bearable, that would make it something other than what it is.

I am torn my child, every person is saying stop, everyone i love is telling me enough is enough, even your father is so unsure, that now i believe this time, he is only doing it for me.

A friend gave me some words that run through my head even now as i write you this letter "when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time" this time my child, this time is for hope.

And my hope is only that you will one day read this letter and know just how much my heart desired you...

Love from a mother that may never be.

I wish i had a crystal ball, i wish i could know what was to come

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know just how to cope

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just what was waiting for me

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew i could withstand this pain and i wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just where this pain would end

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know how long this journey would last...

If i just had that crystal ball i know i would have some peace within

And if i had that crystal ball, i would know not too worry for the crystal ball would tell me that everything was going to be okay and the crystal ball would let me know that i wouldnt have to wish this wasnt me anymore...

"They say the future is yours to see, but really the future is a confusing mystery..."

What are the worst things that have happened to you this year?

1. My mothers father died
2. Infertility
3. Walked out on my husband (obviously i returned)
4. Miscarriage
5. Hormones just plain SUCK!

YOUR TURN..... Let it out!!

You know when you try so hard, do all that you possibly can, but no matter how hard you try, no matter what angle you try to take, it seems in vein?

That was today.

It almost seems like that was yesterday as well, and maybe it will be what tomorrow brings?

I was hoping today would be more inspirational, that i would find my insight and bring to you something funny and worthwhile, something that would help others through their rough patches.  Something that would inspire all those hurting to go on, that there is purpose and that there is something worth waking for.

But, alas, i have been defeated by the hormones...

It seems more often than not when going through the vicious cycles of IVF and infertility negativity has a way of raising to the surface and taking what little happiness you had left....

And the only way i can describe to you how i feel today is... Empty

It seems that there used to be more words for how i was feeling, and that there used to be a song that could describe my every mood.  I used to be able to express how i was feeling in someway or another... But right now i just feel empty.

There are things that make me happy for a minute or two, make me smile, and things that make me cry the tears that were dwelling inside, there are few words that can make me feel better, but there are also the thoughts that keep making me sad.  These feelings inside, i keep finding them hard to describe...

It is like a pain that has no end, a hurt that goes so deep inside no doctor could possibly understand, nor attempt to fix it

This emptiness, this negativity... It shows itself, takes over and makes you feel like yesterday, today and tomorrow are all in vein...

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." Lance Armstrong