End of FET Cycle

I dreamed this day would end differently and i dreamed this day would be the end of our suffering.

But i was wrong.

I wish i wasnt here and i wish so hard i was somewhere else.  I dont know why i am doing this and i dont know who i am anymore.

I am so confused and scared i dont know what to do.

I dont want to be here anymore, but then what do i do?

What do i do?

What do i do?

I was so sure, all the sign were there.

Now i am left just a fat, scared and scared little girl who doesnt know what do do, where to go, or how to act…

I thought i was stronger than this.

I dont know if i can go on.

I just dont know what to do…

“How much of human life is lost in waiting.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 34 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

The anticipation is so overwhelming… It is all i can think about, i have tried and tried and tried to think of something else, ANYTHING else, but i cant!

I am excited more than anything, but im also nervous… Oh God, I have been thinking about everything today….I havent had bad cramps – great! I have had back pain – what does that mean? Im feeling positive – great again!  But my boobs dont hurt – are they meant to yet? My ovaries still have some pain – again does that mean anything? Oh God oh God oh golly golly gosh.. What am i going to do with myself?

When i got home, DH asked “any cramps” i was like “no” then there was that cheeky little smile that i love so much, he is as excited as i am! He even asked if i can pee on a stick!

I have no idea how i am going to make it to tomorrow, and all this excitement – what if its negative? Oh i dont know! I dont remember being this excited the first time, or this nervous, or even filled with half as much anticipation… I will get there, I know i will get there… I just dont think i will sleep any!

And though all these emotions i know that tomorrow is going to come and quickly go, and no matter the outcome, i have told myself it is going to be okay…

“Oh yes I am wise, but it’s wisdom born of pain, yes, I’ve paid the price, but look how much I gained, if I have to, I can do anything, I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman!” Helen Reddy

Day 33 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

You know the times when all you want to do is sleep? Not because you are tired, but because you want to escape.

This afternoon, i just wanted to fall asleep and dream of things not pregnancy or trying to conceive related, i needed an escape.  But i couldnt sleep.  I kept waking up.

I feel tired enough to sleep, but the anxiety seems to be taking over…

Weird cramps are worrying me, i am analysing everything, i cant help it, and the more i try to relax the more i get anxious.

I keep repeating, what will be will be, there is nothing i can do now, no matter what happens i will survive.

But i thought i had this gut feeling, that this was the one.  I thought that i had the instinct and positivity about this being it, but as d day gets closer, and the more i think about it, i dont know, i just dont know.

I want so bad for this to be it, i want so bad to be pregnant with our child, not only for my sake but for my husbands too, he needs this too.  We both want this so much, and for him, he is the one that has to be strong no matter what, so it is harder for him.

I still hope for the best, i havent given up, there is still a glimmer of hope and faith that this could be it…

It would just be easier to get through the next three days, if these cramps, weird pains, or whatever tricks my mind is playing on me, would just go away…

Please.

“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” Abraham Lincoln

Day 32 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

It is the wait that every woman dreads. The wait of fears and of doubt, of tears and excitement, and the wait where nothing seems impossible and the wait where hope and faith are all we have to hold on too.

The dreaded two week wait… Where there is nothing more you can do, where everything you have ever dreamed of is left in God’s hands.

I am coming to the end of my two week wait, i have three sleeps to go, and its now that the fears really being to rise.

I have been positive this round, i went in with the goal to stay as positive as i could, no negativity, this month is the month, pregnant until proven otherwise.  And i have achieved that, i am positive, DH and i speak as though this is it, i am already carrying our child, he is in there just getting ready to announce to the world via a blood test that yes, yes he is already beginning to grow into our beautiful child.

But what if i am wrong?

I dont want to think like that, i dont want those thoughts to cross my mind, but at some point, at some point… What if?

But what if i am wrong?

I know the answer, and i know that it will be okay in the end, that i will be able to pick myself up and continue on our jouney..

But what if i am wrong?  The thought keeps crossing my mind, it quickly leaves, it never lingers, and i am still positive, this is the one, that our child is in there, that in a weeks time all our dreams will be realised and we will be the happiest two people on this earth…

But what if i am wrong?

“Life is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it” Brian Cramer

Day 24 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

WARNING THIS POST IS CLASSIFIED

Okay OMG i have to share, and for all those out there that really dont want to know, i am warning you now this is going to be way “to much information”.

So after 2 cycles and five days of using crinone i have switched to pessaries…

… i mentioned this yesterday and there is a reason behind the switch – it comes down to $$ Thats right… at $14.00 a pop three times a day for the first trimester… there is NO WAY i can afford the Crione… in a normal IVF it is included, but as i found out in a FET none of the medications are covered.. so at $4.00 each the pessaries are the ones i must choose!

Many of you i am sure know the joys of the pessaries, i however had no idea what to expect, and i was bout to say that nothing could be worse then being clogged up by cottage cheese style progesterone, but, oh dear, once again, i may just be proven wrong… There may just be something worse then cottage cheese.

I started the pessaries last nite, and in answer to my posed question “how the hell do you put two in?” Well it can be done… nothing more to say, then it can be done.

I also managed to wake myself up enough at 3.30 this morning to insert another one.

It wasnt that hard, like inserting a tampon – without the string, more slippery / waxy then i thought… all in all an ‘i can do this if it means saving $2,500′ moment. i am just hoping that i put them in far enough… Anyone HELP?!?

So i went back to sleep and thought nothing of it, arose at 4.30am for my sunrise walk.

About hmmmm half an hour to three quarters of an hour later as i am walking now here really gets to the TMI… i begin ‘leaking’ ewwww – i even cringe now as i think about it, and not only was i leaking, but i assume what may either have been some of the left over crione cottage cheese, or wax, or god only knows what, came out as well – AS I WAS WALKING! ARRGHH and there was nothing i could do but keep walking.

I was almost waddling, but i didnt want to walk any faster, because i am ‘taking it easy’ (my nurse tells me she has a camera on me 24/7 – i think his name is DH!) and because it is getting to summer here and i must not get hot – as DH does the ‘beetroot’ test when i get home.. and because i really do want this to work.

So for the next half hour i suffered in silence, well not really i was trying to listen to my ipod to think of all things not slimy, gooie, chuncky, or moving around in my non panty liner protected pretty undies.

Anyway i think that is enough, needless to say it was gross, im not too sure if it was grosser than my first encounter with crione – not sure if i have shared the ‘clogged story’? and no im not talking about the clogged that fibre will fix.. Or whether this just fits in a separate category… but i am telling you if you ever have to go on progesterone pessaries – BE PREPARED!

This is nasty nasty nasty stuff, but on the positve side, it is not messing with my brain as much – or that could just be all my amazing positive thinking? All i know is that for the next three months i will be wearing some heavy duty panty liners… *cringe* just thinking about it…

Repeat after me, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it….

“Optimism is faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without HOPE of confidence.” Helen Keller