I dreamed this day would end differently and i dreamed this day would be the end of our suffering.

But i was wrong.

I wish i wasnt here and i wish so hard i was somewhere else.  I dont know why i am doing this and i dont know who i am anymore.

I am so confused and scared i dont know what to do.

I dont want to be here anymore, but then what do i do?

What do i do?

What do i do?

I was so sure, all the sign were there.

Now i am left just a fat, scared and scared little girl who doesnt know what do do, where to go, or how to act...

I thought i was stronger than this.

I dont know if i can go on.

I just dont know what to do...

“How much of human life is lost in waiting.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

The anticipation is so overwhelming... It is all i can think about, i have tried and tried and tried to think of something else, ANYTHING else, but i cant!

I am excited more than anything, but im also nervous... Oh God, I have been thinking about everything today....I havent had bad cramps - great! I have had back pain - what does that mean? Im feeling positive - great again!  But my boobs dont hurt - are they meant to yet? My ovaries still have some pain - again does that mean anything? Oh God oh God oh golly golly gosh.. What am i going to do with myself?

When i got home, DH asked "any cramps" i was like "no" then there was that cheeky little smile that i love so much, he is as excited as i am! He even asked if i can pee on a stick!

I have no idea how i am going to make it to tomorrow, and all this excitement - what if its negative? Oh i dont know! I dont remember being this excited the first time, or this nervous, or even filled with half as much anticipation... I will get there, I know i will get there... I just dont think i will sleep any!

And though all these emotions i know that tomorrow is going to come and quickly go, and no matter the outcome, i have told myself it is going to be okay...

"Oh yes I am wise, but it's wisdom born of pain, yes, I've paid the price, but look how much I gained, if I have to, I can do anything, I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman!" Helen Reddy

You know the times when all you want to do is sleep? Not because you are tired, but because you want to escape.

This afternoon, i just wanted to fall asleep and dream of things not pregnancy or trying to conceive related, i needed an escape.  But i couldnt sleep.  I kept waking up.

I feel tired enough to sleep, but the anxiety seems to be taking over...

Weird cramps are worrying me, i am analysing everything, i cant help it, and the more i try to relax the more i get anxious.

I keep repeating, what will be will be, there is nothing i can do now, no matter what happens i will survive.

But i thought i had this gut feeling, that this was the one.  I thought that i had the instinct and positivity about this being it, but as d day gets closer, and the more i think about it, i dont know, i just dont know.

I want so bad for this to be it, i want so bad to be pregnant with our child, not only for my sake but for my husbands too, he needs this too.  We both want this so much, and for him, he is the one that has to be strong no matter what, so it is harder for him.

I still hope for the best, i havent given up, there is still a glimmer of hope and faith that this could be it...

It would just be easier to get through the next three days, if these cramps, weird pains, or whatever tricks my mind is playing on me, would just go away...

Please.

“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” Abraham Lincoln

It is the wait that every woman dreads. The wait of fears and of doubt, of tears and excitement, and the wait where nothing seems impossible and the wait where hope and faith are all we have to hold on too.

The dreaded two week wait... Where there is nothing more you can do, where everything you have ever dreamed of is left in God's hands.

I am coming to the end of my two week wait, i have three sleeps to go, and its now that the fears really being to rise.

I have been positive this round, i went in with the goal to stay as positive as i could, no negativity, this month is the month, pregnant until proven otherwise.  And i have achieved that, i am positive, DH and i speak as though this is it, i am already carrying our child, he is in there just getting ready to announce to the world via a blood test that yes, yes he is already beginning to grow into our beautiful child.

But what if i am wrong?

I dont want to think like that, i dont want those thoughts to cross my mind, but at some point, at some point... What if?

But what if i am wrong?

I know the answer, and i know that it will be okay in the end, that i will be able to pick myself up and continue on our jouney..

But what if i am wrong?  The thought keeps crossing my mind, it quickly leaves, it never lingers, and i am still positive, this is the one, that our child is in there, that in a weeks time all our dreams will be realised and we will be the happiest two people on this earth...

But what if i am wrong?

"Life is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it” Brian Cramer

Have you ever lost your inspiration.  Ever felt like the thoughts you once had are now gone? Have you ever wished that the songs you once sang with such passion the thoughts you once had with such strength of emotion could just come back?  Have you ever wanted them back, needed them back?

Have you ever wanted to paint the pain that you once felt, the emptiness you now feel, the thoughts that you cant express, put them into colour, put in ways that people could understand? But you couldnt no matter how much you tried, you just couldnt pick up the brush?

Have you ever just sat there staring at a blank wall, a blank screen, or just stared blankly not knowing what to do, where to go, what to think, what it is your doing anymore?

Have you ever just wished that you wernt lost in this turmoil, that you inspiration wasnt lost in your confusion?  Just wished that  everything made sense again?  Just wished that your inspiration could come from things just the way that they are?

Have you ever just felt flat, so nothing, so indescrible...

So nothing that you questioned the world, questioned your world, questioned a world that has taken your inspiration, taken your soul, and taken everything that you thought made you who you were...

Have you ever just stoped and said w.h.y?  j.u.s.t  p.l.a.i.n  o.l.d  w.h.y?

Why?

I have.

i question where my inspiration went.

For if i knew, then i could get it back again.

"The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." Horace Bushnell

I believe in many things, and i am and have always been a ponderer.  I have this habit of thinking back, and saying to myself, what was i doing this time last week, or last month or last year? I am also a little bit of a believer in fate, you know the old saying "what is meant to be will be"... Things happen for a reason.

And no, today i am not talking about infertility and the reason behind it - i think that one will always remain a mystery.

I am talking about my husband.

He is my soul mate, and fate brought us together.

It sounds really sopy but honestly, there were so many variables that may not have lead to me meeting and eventually marrying him.

December 1999 a fax was sent to our home office.  My father received the fax, and as anyone would do, he read it.  It was not intended for him, it was a wrong number.  My father being the man that he was, rang the senders, and again being the chatty man that he is, began a long conversation with the stranger on the other end of the phone.  I was eavesdropping at the time.  It seemed that the person on the other end of the phone was a recruitment agency, my father was chatting up this lady, attempting to get me a job!

The next thing i can remember was heading into the city, presuming i was going to an interview at a new restaurant, i was so nervous!  I turned up on time, walked into this newly renovated casual restaurant to find about 15 other young people toward the back, i walked over to the group.  My only recollection from there was being thrown an apron and told what my roster was.... I was so confused, i already had the job? Didnt even have an interview!

So after working at this restaurant for about 3 months i began to emerge from my shell, and begun making some great friends... Especially with a few of the young and handsome apprentice chefs.  I had a particularly HUGE crush on one of the pizza chefs... I told my best friend of the time about the pizza guy, and every second i was talking and dreaming about him.

Also at the time i had made friends with one of the other young apprentice chefs, and played silly mobile phone 'prank calls' game with him (This is where we used to see how many times we could 'prank' the other person, how many registered missed calls came up on the screen - the winner was the person who could get as many before the person cleared their screen, a little hard to explain, but a stupid teenage game that kept us up till all hours of the night)

Anyway one day i left my phone at my best friends house, and unbeknown to me she stole the number of my young apprentice chef friend, and stored it in my phone.

One night, a little while after that i finished up my shift at the restaurant, grabbed my bag to find 100 missed calls on my phone! Guess who it was, that bloody apprentice chef... So of course i called him back...

The conversation that followed, from what i remember was very awkward, but as fate had it, with out that phone conversation i wouldnt be where i am today.

The conversation began with "a little birdy told me, you liked me..." HUGH? I didnt say it out loud, but i didnt like him! NOOO! i was still head over heals for the pizza boy, but i knew he would never ask me out... sooo... i just went with it.. I sort of mumbled.. "what little birdy?" and then said yes, to "going out"

So who told the apprentice chef i liked him? My best friend.  She went through my phone and thought that when i was talking about the 'pizza boy' i was talking about the apprentice chef, she thought i was madly in love with the apprentice chef... AND SHE TOLD HIM!  What a mix up!

9 years later i am head over heals, madly in love with the apprentice chef.

And i often ponder back and think... If that fax hadnt been sent to the wrong number i may never have meet my apprentice chef.

"FATE: something that unavoidably befalls a person; that of which is inevitably predetermined"

I wish i had a crystal ball, i wish i could know what was to come

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know just how to cope

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just what was waiting for me

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew i could withstand this pain and i wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just where this pain would end

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know how long this journey would last...

If i just had that crystal ball i know i would have some peace within

And if i had that crystal ball, i would know not too worry for the crystal ball would tell me that everything was going to be okay and the crystal ball would let me know that i wouldnt have to wish this wasnt me anymore...

"They say the future is yours to see, but really the future is a confusing mystery..."

I hope this post is not taken the wrong way  - but i am a little frustrated, and mostly with myself.

I am feeling fat.  Under normal circumstances i would go for a run, a fast, long and hard run.  But i can not, and for good reasons - and i dont mind that fact, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel fat.

Last year i was so disciplined with myself, i wouldnt eat anything unhealthy, no chocolate, no lollies, no carbs - i was awesome!

But this year slowly as the infertility issues got worse and with each hopeful proceedure, i began eating more and working out a little less as hard.  i had the excuse of - ill be pregnant so it wont matter.

Now a year later. and i think i am about 5kg heavier, and right now, at this second,  am just feeling fat.

I have once again, like many other, and like i have in the past, fallen victim to "emotional eating"

I have infact just finished two plates of apple crumble and ice cream.

I look at myself sometimes and think "what have i done?"

Why cant i just stop myself from eating? Why am i victim to these eating habits again? Why does food make me feel so good?

And if i cant stop myself now, how will i control it when i am pregnant and after i have my child...

i plan to go for a walk when it cools down this afternoon - but it is not enough.  Why did i do that? eat two serves of apple crumble?

And why do i care so much?

I am not disgustingly unhealthy - most of the time i eat wholemeal and soy... It really just is the weekend...

I really wish that i could get rid of my 'appearance issues' .. they will have to go quickly when i begin to grow a belly...

Oh i dont know, i really really dont know anymore, i know i am just silly, i know that i am being stupid, but honestly i do sometimes look at myself and wish that it wasnt a struggle for me.

What should i do? How do i approach my body fears? And how can i get over my emotional eating habits, before i loath myself?

What would you do?

“How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.” Anon

Today as i watched a tv show where a woman had a miscarrage,  i was reminded of an interview i watched on a morning show called Sunrise a few months ago.(watch the interview  here - the bit i am talking about is 2mins 40 seconds into it).

It made me really being to think, when i am upset, so heart wrenchingly upset about my loss when the IVF doesnt work, am i mourning the death of my embryo because i have lost one of my babies, or am i morning simply becuase it didnt work and i have to do this process again?

It may sound stupid, and this may pose so many ethical questions, but when is a baby a baby? Where and when does human life begin?

When i miscarried after a few days, what was i mourning, did i loose a child? I didnt really think about it at the time, as i was so upset, but now, now i do feel like i have lost a part of me, and agiain i am not sure if that is because i am 'dying' to fall pregnant and have a child, or because i really did lose a part of me.

I have spoken to my stomach a number if times since friday, i have written a post my child i am getting ready for you my husband and i have a name that we call our embie already, but this again causes conflict in my mind, because we called the one that miscarried, the same thing.

And what about all the other frozens out there (i only have one left) what about the two last month that didnt make it? They could have been my children, three have been wasted already! Gone, dead and gone.

The IVF ethics are nearly as contraversal as the abortion ethics - when is a child a child? When does human life begin? And what are we doing here, messing with nature?

When we first looked at our contract with the clinic, it did go over specifics like if we broke up, if one of us died etc. And we didnt take the topic lightly, i thought about it for weeks. Wondering what we would do if this happened or if that happened.

How i would feel if another woman had my child in her belly...

How he would feel if another man brought up my child..

How we would both feel if we knew somewhere out there, there may or may not be a child alive that is genetically ours.

I decided in my heart i couldnt handle it. It is either together or not at all.

But then again, as we progress along this journey, i dont know, i just dont know anymore, how do you 'dispose' of something that could be a child, a baby, someone that you always dreamed of meeting?

I dont expect ever to get answers, and i dont expect that everyone could possibly understand, some may laugh, because we are ultimatly talking about something that is not visable with the naked eye, something that is a combination of cells - but to me and DH that combination of cells, that could be our child, the one we always dreamed of, the one that we have spent the last year, dreaming, hoping, desiring, and praying for every day.

“Life is an unanswered question, but let's still believe in the dignity and importance of the question” Tennessee Williams

WARNING THIS POST IS CLASSIFIED

Okay OMG i have to share, and for all those out there that really dont want to know, i am warning you now this is going to be way "to much information".

So after 2 cycles and five days of using crinone i have switched to pessaries...

... i mentioned this yesterday and there is a reason behind the switch - it comes down to $$ Thats right... at $14.00 a pop three times a day for the first trimester... there is NO WAY i can afford the Crione... in a normal IVF it is included, but as i found out in a FET none of the medications are covered.. so at $4.00 each the pessaries are the ones i must choose!

Many of you i am sure know the joys of the pessaries, i however had no idea what to expect, and i was bout to say that nothing could be worse then being clogged up by cottage cheese style progesterone, but, oh dear, once again, i may just be proven wrong... There may just be something worse then cottage cheese.

I started the pessaries last nite, and in answer to my posed question "how the hell do you put two in?" Well it can be done... nothing more to say, then it can be done.

I also managed to wake myself up enough at 3.30 this morning to insert another one.

It wasnt that hard, like inserting a tampon - without the string, more slippery / waxy then i thought... all in all an 'i can do this if it means saving $2,500' moment. i am just hoping that i put them in far enough... Anyone HELP?!?

So i went back to sleep and thought nothing of it, arose at 4.30am for my sunrise walk.

About hmmmm half an hour to three quarters of an hour later as i am walking now here really gets to the TMI... i begin 'leaking' ewwww - i even cringe now as i think about it, and not only was i leaking, but i assume what may either have been some of the left over crione cottage cheese, or wax, or god only knows what, came out as well - AS I WAS WALKING! ARRGHH and there was nothing i could do but keep walking.

I was almost waddling, but i didnt want to walk any faster, because i am 'taking it easy' (my nurse tells me she has a camera on me 24/7 - i think his name is DH!) and because it is getting to summer here and i must not get hot - as DH does the 'beetroot' test when i get home.. and because i really do want this to work.

So for the next half hour i suffered in silence, well not really i was trying to listen to my ipod to think of all things not slimy, gooie, chuncky, or moving around in my non panty liner protected pretty undies.

Anyway i think that is enough, needless to say it was gross, im not too sure if it was grosser than my first encounter with crione - not sure if i have shared the 'clogged story'? and no im not talking about the clogged that fibre will fix.. Or whether this just fits in a separate category... but i am telling you if you ever have to go on progesterone pessaries - BE PREPARED!

This is nasty nasty nasty stuff, but on the positve side, it is not messing with my brain as much - or that could just be all my amazing positive thinking? All i know is that for the next three months i will be wearing some heavy duty panty liners... *cringe* just thinking about it...

Repeat after me, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it....

"Optimism is faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without HOPE of confidence." Helen Keller

As i am standing in the lift all i can think is - I've done this twice before, so why is it so scary?  why am i so nervous?

Now as i wait and write the nervous bubbles seem to ease and all i can think is - did i drink enough water?  There are two kids here playing, one maybe a year old, the other about four, playing with a ball - it is so cute - i pray that this will be me in a year, i pray that my miracle will happen this time.  I hope that this back pain is a result of me 'over working' my butt muscles and not hormonal.

This whole FET thing is so unnerving - like will the embie make it? Of course it will!  Will the procedure go to plan? Of course!  So why am i so scared? And why did the nervous bubbles just return? And why oh why is my back still hurting? And does Friday the 13th really mean anything? Where did that last comment come from?

OMG now i feel sick, and is that - no it couldnt be... Do my ovaries hurt now?... Am i cramping? WTF? Why am i over analysing everything?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

FOCUS - JUST FOCUS

Breathing in... Breathing out...

Maybe i should drink another glass of water...

Did i transfer enough money....

I'm just going to go back to waiting now...

STOP THINKING!

Oh the scientist just called my name...

Back again, now i am watching the mother read to the child, will i be a good mother anyway? Maybe i should grab a water? STOP THINKING - FOCUS focus.  So okay where did i just go, thats right i just saw the scientist. IT DEFROSTED OK YEY!  They look a lot different to the fresh ones, but she said that was because all the cells were dehydrated or something like that, i asked if it was good, and she said yes... here's to hoping!

OMG now i really gotto pee lucky i didnt have that extra glass.  I am so happy, this is going to work! Ohohoh they even "Hatched" it - bye bye $325 - oh well so worth it...

Still waiting, waiting waiting waiting.  There is a couple next to me, she is on her phone, i wonder if she is on twitter, i wonder if she is one of my 'friends' you so wouldnt know... interesting, he just told her to put the phone down and talk - what should we talk about? I dont know, what do you want to talk about, i dont know you wanted to talk.. ARGH i really want to tell them to just talk! ARRRRGGGHHHH I GOTTO GO PEE PEE!!!!!!

Ohohohoh Doctor is here!

Transfer done, waiting for nurse, dont know what to talk about couple gone (thank god, i wasnt sure they would ever find something to talk about!) Doctor said all went well, 5 people saw my jinjar, have emptied my bladder, all is right with the world!

Waiting Waiting, ahhh hello my favorite nurse! YEY!

Hmm back from the nurse now - just got the pessaries... not used to these, i have to lay down for at least half an hour after inserting.  The nurse suggested waking an hour before you have to get up, put one in and go back to bed, then put two in before bed at night... Just thinking about that...  HOW THE HELL DO YOU PUT TWO IN?!?!?!?! I guess i will figure that out once i have finished typing this post... Ill have to get back to you on that one!

So this is it.  Third time lucky on Friday the 13th...?  Blood test is on the 25 November, let the 2ww begin (she says with baited breath)

Oh and FYI - the 'older' receptionist said too me on the way out (and i quote) "it will happen when you least expect it" WTF - it's IVF love! You work at a clinic, remember! I will expect it to work or not to work on 25 November, unless ofcourse before then i somehow have a massive brain fart and completely forget who i am and what i have been doing for the past year!  ARGH, get your words right lasy... A simple good luck would have saficed

"Hope - it is the dandelion seed you just wished upon"

No its not the movie! Just another top ten... My week is almost complete i have one more sleep until my transfer and i am sooo nervous excited and scared, for those of you who pray - say a little prayer for my my husband and my precious embie - may we all have peace within, may we have faith and believe...

Ten Things I hate about you (IF)

1. I hate the way you make me so frustrated and angry
2. I hate the way you make me feel like i hate my husband
3. I hate the way you make me ponder the meaning of life and my very existence
4. I hate the way you make everything from my nipples to my ovaries through my uterus and back again hurt like nothing has ever hurt before
5. I hate the way you make me so very envious of everything and everyone pregnant
6. I hate the way you make me forget how blessed i really am
7. I hate the way you make me have to put things up my ‘jin jar’ that i really shouldn’t have to put up there
8. I hate the way you make me cry, scream and hurt from places so deep i cannot describe them
9. I hate the way you make me analyse everything, every little cringe every little tingle, every little spot on the toilet paper, nothing is un analysable
10. I hate the way you make me so angry, so frustrated, so irritated, so hurt that i just cant breath, think or do anything but HATE YOU!

“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.” Kurt Tucholsky

I am a believer in small things, small signs of hope that is.  Maybe i over analyse things, maybe i am just looking for something hopeful – I am not sure, but as i walked into my home this afternoon – there it was, my small sign of hope.

The pink bear that I bought a few weeks ago and faith...

As you can see there are many other things on this shelf but as i walked past the room, the only thing which caught my eye was faith and the bear... i smiled and felt a strong sense of peace – this is my time to hope, have faith and believe...

My First Wordless Wednesday

Some see a hopeless end, while others see endless hope. Anon

Today i am tired, and as you know sometimes it takes all our strength just to get out of bed and face the day.

I am someone who gains inspiration and gets just a little enthusiasm from a good quote, so todays top ten, are ten quotes that mean a lot to me, when i am down i always look back and read, just to remember that it is the challenges we face that make us who we are...

1. God gives every bird a worm, but he does not throw it into the nest. Swedish Proverb
2. When one door of happiness closes another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door we dont see the one which has just opened for us. Hellen Keller
3. Hope knows the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.  C Schull
4. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery.  And today?  Today is God's gift, that is why it is called the present. Joan Rivers
   
5. Don’t let the choices you make yesterday define today’s reality.  Let your actions demonstrate the trust you have in tomorrow. C Schull
6. When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was.  Gloria Guithes
7. Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different outcomes. Albert Einstein (or in the case of IVF swap insanity with hope and faith)
   
8. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Anon
9. Hope, faith and love. Without these three what would life be? C Schull
10. To love is to risk not being loved in return, to HOPE is to risk pain, to try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing and to get nothing in return. Anon

Small hopes may be found in 10 written quotes, but true hope is felt in the heart, believed by faith,  shared with those we love, and has the ability to give us the courage to go on...