Have you ever just felt so unsure, just so lost in routine you know what comes next, but your not sure why?  Have you ever had all these plans to do what you want, to be who you want to be, to let yourself dream, only to realise that the things that you really want – really dont matter?

I know you have, because i have time and time again, and i want to know now why is it so, why do we dream of things we cant have, why do we constantly want more than what we have, why does routine mean that we are unsure of what we want? And when is wanting more selfish?

I have faced everything, i have been through more than my share of torment, but i came through it, and yet when i think about what i want in life i still want more…  I have everything i need, but i want more – and i want to know if wanting more means i am selfish?

Have you ever sat down dreamed of a tomorrow where you have everything your heart desires, but then reaslied it doesnt matter, that none of it matters?

I know you have, because i have time and time again.

I know in my heart that the things i desire dont matter, i know that what i want are merely things in life, i know that i honestly have everything in my life i once thought was enough, but lately i have been wanting more…

More from myself as a mother, more from myself as a lover, more from myself as a woman in the work force, more from myself physically and emotionally, i want more from myself, i want to do things that maybe i shouldnt be wanting to do, i want a bigger house, i dream of a life on the coast, i dream of doing things that will make my georges life better, and yet shouldnt i just be happy with what we have, with the life we have been looking forward to for so long, simply just to be happy that i am a mother, that i am a wife, that i am healthy, that my family is happy and healthy… Shouldnt that be enough?

Have you ever just sat back and wondered when is enough, enough?  Wondered when is it that you stop dreaming and start simply living and being grateful of what you have?  Have you ever just wondered why we are all so selfish, why we all want everything all the time?

I know i have, and i wonder how i can fix that in myself?

You can’t get unless you give. And you have to give without wanting to get. Theodore H. White

Have you ever just sat back and watched someone make bubbles?

Bubbles are so uncertain.  They grow, they float, they shine all the colours of the rainbow, then when you least expect it… They pop, and then the cycle begins again.

In someways, sometimes i see bubbles as the same as life.  Each new day is as uncertain as the last, each new experience being a different size, a different shape, and a multitude of colours, feelings and emotions.  Life, like bubbles, leads us to new adventures if we follow them.

Sometimes each day is like a shower of bubbles, bringing us a sense of unexpectedness, and bringing us feelings of joy when we least expected it too, from something so simple…

There is a lesson to be learned from bubbles…

Sometimes in life we all need to deal with the uncertainty of bubbles, and sometimes in life we all need to appreciate the simple pleasures that bubbles can bring.

Have you ever just closed your eyes and listened….

Listened to the magic of the sounds around you, listened to the peacefulness that is your life…  Listened to the inspiration in your heart… Just listened?

Have you ever just lost yourself in the noise around you, the sounds of suburbia, let yourself relax to the mundane monotony of the afternoon crickets?

I have, i do it often, lay there on the grass looking to the sky lost in a world of my own.

As i sit here this afternoon doing the same, a smile came to my face as i remembered a time, a long time ago, when i was feeling alone, and i did exactly as i am doing now, i lay in the grass and got lost in the noises that surrounded me.

Only at that time i was on a camp, i was laying in long grass by the river, around sunset.  I had forgotten to tell someone where i was going.  I can remember as i lay there i was lost in the noises of the sprinkler going round and round and round, making the noise “chink, chink, chink…”

I didnt fall asleep, i wasnt lost, i was relaxed, and i lay there in my own world for what seemed like “just a little while” and as the sun set and the darkness came over, i decided to head back.

As i reentered the camp, i was greeted by “there she is!” and a thousand people coming over to me and hugging me…

Apparently i got so lost in my own little world, that others had thought i really was lost…

I smiled this afternoon as i remembered, because while it was silly of me to ‘disappear’ on my return i felt loved, i felt treasured, i felt less alone than i ever had before… I really felt of value, like someone cared enough of me for concern, and at that point of my life, i really needed that feeling.

Have you ever just stopped, closed your eyes and listened to the magic of the world around you?  You will be surprised what the world of sounds can offer you – memories, peace, faith in the future, and even a little hope when you need it most.

Sometimes it takes a little magic of a long lost memory to bring a smile to a face that hasnt seen a smile in a while.

Have you ever been so lost and tired that you dont know what to do next?
Have you ever been so confused about your emotions that you dont know just what to think or how to act anymore?
Have you ever just wanted to take off, run away, run as fast as you can to remove you from this world and this confusion?
Have you ever just needed to give up throw the towel in, decide not to care anymore?

I have, i am…. My job is taking everything out of me, i cant go on like this, i cant think – i am so tired, i am so angry, i cant think straight anymore, and i dont know how long i can keep up…. But i dont want to let it go because i used to love my job so much…

Have you ever just wanted to fall asleep dream of another life time, dream of a different reality, dream of places and people that could have been, would have been if only one thing was different?

Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the ‘to hard basket’?

That is me…

Too hard today… It is all too hard…

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make.  I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical…

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George…  i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision…

So today, i leave it there…

Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired. Anon

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it?  Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain?  Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not?  Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

To my dearest little miracle,

As the lightning strikes, the thunder grumbles, and the rain pounds on the roof, i cant help but think of you…

Will i ever get to comfort you when the storms scare you?

Will i ever get to sing you a lullaby or read you a story?

Will i ever get to rock you to sleep, or stroke your hair as you close your eyes?

Will i ever get to watch you so peacefully, snoring so gently?

Will i ever get to wake you just so together we can watch the sunrise after the storm and see the reflection in the dew drops on the tree leaves?

And will i ever just get to tell you i love you, hug you so tight, and have you push me away and say “muuuuuuum!”

Will i ever, will i ever, will i ever…

I wish i knew that this time was the time i would meet you.

Love always from a mother that may never be.

“You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you’ll be in my heart.”

Have you ever been so lost that you just find yourself staring into oblivion?

Today is that day, i dont know what to do with myself.  I thought i was hungry so i ate, i thought i was bored, so i watched my shows… But when all is said and done, i find myself still staring into oblivion.

Should i watch more tv, should i paint, should i draw, should i cook… im meant to be resting, so no plans for me, but now i just feel lost.  It would be nice to draw, but i dont know what to draw.  I was going to cook, but then it wont be fresh enough for christmas.  I was going to go for a walk, but then im on an excersize ban… what should i do?  Maybe i should plan an elaborate dinner… but then who will eat it?  Maybe i should cook pineapple jam with the rest of that pinapple… but then who will eat it?  If i painted a picture, who would look at it, would it end up in the cupboard like the rest of them? I just dont know where my mind is.

Maybe this staring into oblivion with a blank mind, is a distraction from what really should be on my mind?

Maybe…

Maybe i really am just lost.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” Henry David Thoreau

Have you ever lost your inspiration.  Ever felt like the thoughts you once had are now gone? Have you ever wished that the songs you once sang with such passion the thoughts you once had with such strength of emotion could just come back?  Have you ever wanted them back, needed them back?

Have you ever wanted to paint the pain that you once felt, the emptiness you now feel, the thoughts that you cant express, put them into colour, put in ways that people could understand? But you couldnt no matter how much you tried, you just couldnt pick up the brush?

Have you ever just sat there staring at a blank wall, a blank screen, or just stared blankly not knowing what to do, where to go, what to think, what it is your doing anymore?

Have you ever just wished that you wernt lost in this turmoil, that you inspiration wasnt lost in your confusion?  Just wished that  everything made sense again?  Just wished that your inspiration could come from things just the way that they are?

Have you ever just felt flat, so nothing, so indescrible…

So nothing that you questioned the world, questioned your world, questioned a world that has taken your inspiration, taken your soul, and taken everything that you thought made you who you were…

Have you ever just stoped and said w.h.y?  j.u.s.t  p.l.a.i.n  o.l.d  w.h.y?

Why?

I have.

i question where my inspiration went.

For if i knew, then i could get it back again.

“The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.” Horace Bushnell

Have you ever dared to look at a jacaranda tree and remember your childhood dreams, remember the songs you used to sing that made you feel like nothing in this world could be more perfect… have you ever dared to remember all those moments in your life that made you who you are; the look on your husbands face as you walked down the isle, the look on your mothers face when you told her how beautiful she was, the moments, the memories, the feeling inside when you dared to remember and to dream?

Have you ever dared to just looked around you, dared shed a tear in happiness, felt a sense of childhood contentment deep from the bottom of your heart, felt like you can go on, felt like there is more to give, more of you to give, like you can do this, and “by george” nothing will stop you?

I have.

Twice.

And that is why i am still here.

Thank the Lord i am still here.

“Don’t ever regret the past nor dread the future.  Live each day at a time and cherish the moments with the ones you love.” Cheryl Schull