As a tear rolls down my cheek i sit here and remember the smell and soft feel of the woman who gave me life…. Today i miss her and no matter how many years pass i will always remember the love my mother had for me – the true love of a mother for a daughter.
Mum i miss you, i miss you more than you will ever know.
Day 379 in my miracles life
You know that woman at the gym who sweats like a pig and who turns bright red after only ten minutes?
You know that woman at the gym who goes hard core and makes little noises like the tennis ladies do on tv?
You know that woman at the gym who is so into her music she whisper sings along?
You know that woman that the younger ladies whisper and giggle about because its almost hilarious watching her excecise that intensly?
You know that woman i am talking about….
Well, at my gym that woman is me – yup i am admitting that i am that woman.
I have come to realise, ok thats a lie i have always known, that i am the crazy lady that sweats like a pig and goes hard core…. Thats me, the one everyone else looks at and wonders what their caper is, thats me over in the corner there forgetting where i am and singing along with my ipod… Oh dear oh deary me thats me groaning and grunting just to get through that last 30 seconds *sigh* how did i come to be that woman?
I mean i cant help that i sweat a lot – can i?
I cant help that i go red – can i?
And the singing thing, well that only happens once in a blue moon, not all the time, just sometimes when there is a really really good song…As for the grunting thing – i have no idea where that came from *snickers at herself*
Oh dear, oh dear oh dear oh dear….
Day 312 in my miracles life
WE DID IT! I dont have anything much else in me right now, but we made it, we kicked our goal by more than 10 minutes, with the unofficial time 2 hours 17 minutes. Pushed ourselves to the limit…
Number one on the 30 before 30 list done. DONE & DONE.
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. CS Lewis
Day 311 in my miracles life
It is 5am and i am lying in my bed wondering why i cannot sleep. I dont normally sleep too well but this morning i am anxious, something i have been working toward all year is TOMORROW!
Where did the time go? Why did you make it fly by so quickly?
I can remember the first time this idea popped into my head, to run the half marathon that is. It was Christmas time 2009 and i whole heartedly believed that i was going to fail my finally ivf, i truly believed that it wasnt going to be, so much so that i can remember snapping at my sister about the whole concept of running a half marathon.
We were walking looking at the christmas lights, my sister was about to pop, pregnant with her third child and i was getting more and more saddened by the fact that it may never be me, that this may be the end of a journey, the end of something that i wanted with every beat of my heart. I knew then that i had to do something to get myself over the pain, to get my mind off wanting what i wanted more than anything, and if you know me, if you have read my blog, then you would know that for me a list of things to do is certainly right up my ally (ie 30 before 30) So i made one, just a small one, and my main goal was to be a half marathon.
Many people wonder how i remember such trivial things, but i remember this as clear as day simply because i remember telling my sister and like everything – we always do things together, so this time of course my sister lit up and said that she too would run the half marathon with me, but at that point in my life, i didnt want another person sharing my goal, because my goal was to get over lossing the chance to be a mom, while my sisters goal would be to loose the baby weight… And it hurts me to say it now, but back then i couldnt handle that, i wanted to run alone, christmas 2009 i simply just wanted to be alone in my own self pity, so i snapped at my sister and told her that this race was ‘my’ race, that she wasnt ‘allowed’ to run it with me, quite frankly i was horrible and i remember the day i decided to run the half marathon simply because i was so cruel to someone i love so much…
But, as it seemed, fate had something better in stall for me than a half marathon in 2010…
So the goal, the list was postponed… Until this year, where in one sleeps time, my sister and i will run together, both having lost our baby weight, both having the families we deserve, and even now it brings a tear to my eye thinking that i could ever want to run alone without my dear sister and my wonderful father by my side.
It is now 5.31am and in 24.5 hours i will be lined up with thousands upon thousands of people all running for different reasons, all running to achieve many different things, the feelings inside are just so different to anything else i have felt before, almost like it is a challenge that is a stepping stone to something bigger in my life…
One should never fear sorrow because it is the stepping stone to happiness. Rig Veda
Day 305 in my miracles life
No matter how many times you run it, it is still a long way.
And i am only talking about 13km! Who knows how far 21 km is going to feel!
I am almost nervous about next weekend, excited, anxious and just a squiggy bit nervous about the distance. I know it is mind over matter, and that it has been a long time coming… but SQUEEEE… Its almost here!
In approximately 168.5 hours it will be over, done… The whole year of training for a race, doneskies… WOW – its gone way to quickly…
And to get us all through the week here is a sneak peek image of a little surprise i have in stall for the big run 
Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal. Pamela Vaull Starr
Day 298 in my miracles life
The time has ticked down so quickly and to be quite honest i cant believe at this time in a fortnight it will be all over… My sister and i will be crossing the line together hopefully achieving something that ten years ago we would have never even thought we would want to do.
This morning i simply popped over to the gym and did 40 minutes of intervals, i was meant to go for a long run (about 13.5km) however due to this crazy diet the doctor has me on for my test tomorrow, it wasnt smart for me to go for a long run exhausting all my energy. I was quite disapointed but after speaking to my father (the expert in the family on the 1/2 marathon) i decided to do this run next week, then rest the week of the race.
Two weeks to go and i really dont feel prepared. I honestly thought i would be confident that i would be able to run this race in 2.5 hours, but a part of me wonders if we will be able to run the full distance at all!…. What ever the case i have allowed myself to tell myself that it is ok & that so long as the race is run, then the goal is complete
Or else i guess it will have to be tried again next year… Maybe…
Day 291 in my miracles life
Three weeks… Not long now & i will be running my way through a goal i honestly wasnt sure i would be able to achieve. I think from now on in it may all be mental, something that i just have to grasp my head around.
This week certainly gave me the biggest scare and of all the things that were running through my head would you believe that in most part i was sincerely just worried about being able to run the race? I may have referred to it as the ‘stoopid race’ on so many occasions now, i may out loud say that it is just a silly race, but its more than that – it really is.
The race is in my dreams it is in my thoughts, i dont know why so much so, but i think a part of me thinks that it symbolizes working toward something and achieving it. For me running the race means i can do anything. So many times i have been tempted to give up on this diet, on this life style change, but the thought of the race, of looking the part for the race has meant just so much to me that it has kept me going, made me stronger i think.
I worry that there comes a time where you get ‘comfortable’ too comfortable with the way that you look and the goals that you have achieved and you in part ‘let yourself go’ i worry that i am becoming on the verge of being too comfortable and letting myself go on a ‘binge’ all too often, and a part of me believes / hopes that this race can keep me on track and prove to myself that i am stronger than my urge to ‘fall off the band wagon’
In three short weeks, i will be running my ‘stoopid race’ come rain, hail or shine…. Now, off to prepare my mind for it, and pray to the good lord that my body stays in tact until then
The body does not want you to do this. As you run, it tells you to stop but the mind must be strong. You always go too far for your body. You must handle the pain with strategy…It is not age; it is not diet. It is the will to succeed. – Jacqueline Gareau, 1980 Boston Marathon champ
Day 284 in my miracles life
Today as i ran as i looked over to the horizon i have never felt so alive and in love, never felt better to be running in the 10 degree chill of the winters morning, never seen such a magnificent sunrise in my lifetime.
Words cant describe the colours that rose over the water or the emotions that it managed to stir up inside of me. As i ran, as i listened to my music i realised that this is the reason i love to run, the colours the indescribable feeling the sun rise made me feel, the chill of the air on my cheeks, the satisfaction of realising that a 13.5km run is now ‘easy’ for me, the feeling of know that i can do something i never though i would be able to achieve.
I decided to opt out of doing the full half marathon before the marathon for two reasons. One, i am not sure my body will hold up my muscles are tight tight tight from all this training and i dont think the best masseuse in the world could un tighten me at the moment! And number two, i dont want to run the race before the race… I want to know that i can do 21.1km in the moment. I have been working toward so many goals for me it would be a shame to know that i can do it before i did it. I am not sure that makes any sense but in my mind it does.
In four weeks i will be running this race, in four weeks all my goals i set but 10 months ago will be set, i almost feel empty like i have reached the top of the mountain, placed my flag to mark my spot, and now now i have to head home and wonder what’s next, wonder how i can push my body and soul, my mind further so that i know that i am alive.
I have also decided that in honor of the big race i want to do a 21 day count down, where i will be aiming to get to my healthiest and fittest, feeling good for race day. I am not sure what this will mean for me, but i am aiming for a 21 day NO BAKING, no sweets, no cheats, just 21 days of green and protein. Build muscle, loose fat, gain self control, mind over matter – which i know is a very important aspect to running the 21km.
Wish me luck… Four weeks is not a long time!
Day 277 in my miracles life
R E S T a small four letter word that i need to pay more attention too.
It will be hard.
Some people often ask me why i go so hard at it, or why i want to go to the gym twice a day, but for me it is not a chore, for me having a day off is a chore, for me reminding myself to rest is something i have to do.
Dont ask me how i got to this point, but i am at it, i am at the stage where exercising is time off for me, running on the treadmill or going on the cross trainer for 30 minutes is a time out for me, it is my time, it is time where i can listen to my music and not hear the baby crying, it is time where i can sweat all my anger and frustrations out from the day, it is time where i can push myself and feel like i have achieved something, it is time simply for me to be me, where i dont feel guilty for enjoying foods, where i can wash away the guilt from the weekend of indulgance, where i dont feel like i am judged, somewhere i can go where i dont feel alone but at the same time am alone…
Just a place where no one can burst my bubble of concentration…
Breath in breath out, 60 more seconds, 1km per hour faster, breath in breath out, faster harder faster, ten more seconds, 9 8 7 6, 5 more seconds, faster faster, one more second… STOP… Breath in breath out, you made it. Now do it again…
I think while i am at the gym, i think of things that i dont get time to think of otherwise, i get ideas, i write words in my head as i run, i come up with ideas processes, most of which i never go on to do, but i am thinking, i am being who i am, and i enjoy it – with everything in side of me, with out any lie, when i am running when i am at the gym – i love it.
But i know that i must rest, the readings tell me so, my trainer tells me so, my husband tells me so, and i know that ultimately my body is telling me so.
Most athletes know that getting enough rest after exercise is essential to high-level performance, but many still over train and feel guilty when they take a day off. The body repairs and strengthens itself in the time between workouts, and continuous training can actually weaken the strongest athletes.
Rest days are critical to sports performance for a variety of reasons. Some are physiological and some are psychological. Rest is physically necessary so that the muscles can repair, rebuild and strengthen. For recreational athletes, building in rest days can help maintain a better balance between home, work and fitness goals. (Reference)
So today, even though i am feeling quite guilty about all the sweets i ate yesterday, and all the bread that i baked and ate, i am going to rest, i am going to make myself rest. I am going to have a nap this afternoon, put my feet up and watch some of my favorite shows and just enjoy the afternoon without feeling the need to run at the speed of light….
Well i am going to try anyway.
True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body; the two are united. Alexander von Humboldt
Day 270 in my miracles life
My feet hurt, not to complain but… Well i did jsut run 17.72km (11 miles) and i am quite sure that our bodies are simply not designed to run that far… Isn’t that why god created cars… ? (jokes)
I havent always been a runner, and i havent always been this goal orientated, if i told you today that in high school i piked on a cross country because i had a broken finger you would proberbly think i was talking about another woman, but truth be told, i havent always been a runner, i havent always wanted to achieve the unachieveable…
But today, today in the wet, as i battled a massive blister on my arch, new shoe buyers remorse, wet socks, mud and grass, today as my feet hit the pavement in pain i knew that no longer was it about can and cant, no longer was it about what my body was capable of doing, today it was about what my mind was capable of doing. Today i bacame the woman i never thought i would be back in the day when a broken finger was a good enough excuse, today i became the lady that pushed through the pain, that simply said – you can do this, no matter what you can do this.
I am not sure where we are going from here, i am not sure where the training regeme will take us or what is right for our bodies, but i believe that in six weeks no matter what we will be ready for the run, that with mind over matter we will be able to complete the 21.7km in under 2.5 hours…
Fingers crossed my body holds up…
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