As a tear rolls down my cheek i sit here and remember the smell and soft feel of the woman who gave me life…. Today i miss her and no matter how many years pass i will always remember the love my mother had for me – the true love of a mother for a daughter.
Mum i miss you, i miss you more than you will ever know.
Day 256 in my miracles life
To my dearest mother,
I miss you.
I always miss you, but today, today i miss you more than ever. Its not just mothers day mum, its my first mothers day.
Each step that i ran this morning mummy, i thought of you. As the music of my ipod played loudly in the background, as the trees and people passed by all i could hear was the sound of your voice and all i could see was the image of your beautiful face from the times we used to skip along the old streets of where ever it was in France that we lived…
I am not quite sure what it is, and i am not quite sure why it is, but when i hold and comfort my george in the middle of the night as she cries, i miss you more than ever. I think of the times you used to sit on my bed and comfort me after a nightmare, and i wonder if you ever realised just what that meant to me, i wonder if you knew just how very much i love you, and i wonder if your up there looking down on me now, on us now, thinking how very proud you are of me and my sister, thinking that you could just tell us how very much you love us…
I
f i could wish for anything in this world, it would be mum that i could tell you i love you just one more time, it would be for you to see me running with julie and dad, and it would be for you to meet my george, and just see how far we have all come and just how happy we all are.
I miss you, i love you,
Happy mothers day mum… Guess what? I am finally a mummy myself….
Love always from the deepest depths of my heart,
From the mother that is.
I lost my mum to breast cancer when i was just 11, this morning i ran 8km in her honor, please find it in your heart to sponsor me & help raise funds for breast cancer research HERE
Day 250 in my miracles life
250 days ago i set myself a goal, i told myself that i wouldnt give up until i had lost every last gram i gained while doing fertility treatments and every last gram i gained while stuffing my face with icecream when i was pregnant… I told myself that no matter what i would and i could do it…
And i have, almost.
I am but 300 stubborn grams (thats 10.5 oz for all those not in the metric system) away from 60kg (132lb) and 2.3kg (5lb) away from my ‘target weight’… And while after already loosing 12kg, 2kg may seem like a walk in the park… It seems that it is not, it is the most stubborn most frustrating last 2kg on my rear end that just wont budge… ARGH!
So for 14 inspirational days, and after much eating and binging over the last few weeks I AM TAKING CONTROL! I am going to kick these last 2kg if it kills me….
There will be
NO BINGING
NO OVEREATING
NO TREATS OR NAUGHTY MEALS
NOTHING BUT STRUCTURE STRUCTURE STRUCTURE….
Because i KNOW i can do it…
And to help me stay on track i am going to find a motivational quote each and every day and know that on Saturday the 14th May 2011 i will be *hopefully* 58kg!
Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. -Lou Holtz
Day 243 in my miracles life
I roll over and look at the clock on my bedside table, it is 2am. I walk into my babies room and stand there staring at her for just one moment, she is everything my heart desires. I tear myself away from her for fear that my presence may wake her from her precious sleep, i walk into the kitchen open the fridge door and take a sip of some cold water, as the cold runs down the back of my throat i see an image stuck to the front of the fridge door and suddenly it feels as if the cold now runs through every vein in my body.
The image has always been there, i see it everyday, but as i sip my ice cold water at 2am and as i stare into the eyes of such a young soul i realise something.
I was so young. They told me i was so young, but i didnt really see it, i didnt really believe it – 17 years ago all i could remember was being told i was so young… They said it when they thought i wasnt listening, they said it too me years later, they still say it too me now “She is so young” “You were so young” “How does such a young girl live without her mother?”
The image i stand there staring at is an image of my mother and i but two or three years before she died… It appears that in that image i am 9 years old – my mother died when i was 11.
At the time i didnt think i was young, i didnt think that it was that bad, i didnt think that it would affect me in my later life as much as it has, and i never even imagined how hard it would have been for my mother.
As i stand there it must be well over 2.30am now, the water still in my hand but now i dont feel the cold all i feel is the tears rolling down my cheeks. I am 28 years old, and while that means nothing to me but a number, i realise as i stand there staring at the image on the fridge that when my daughter is the age i was in that image, when my daughter that i love with every beat of my heart turns 11 i will be but the same age as my mother when she died…
The tables have turned.
I couldnt imagine only have 10 more years with my daughter. I couldnt imagine having to say good bye to her before i really got to know her… I just couldnt imagine having to face the fact that i wouldnt be there for her, that i would never see her grow into the woman i knew she could be…. I have only known my baby for 8 months and i now know that when people said “She was so young” or “You were so young” it wasnt about me… It was about my mum – because she never got to see me grown into the woman she knew i could be. My mother never got to be there for me when i needed her most, she never got to tell me it was ok, she never got to see me walk down the isle as i married the man i loved, she never got to be there when i struggled through infertility, she never got to be there to meet my miracle child, and she will never get to be there for me when i wake at 2am and really just want to hear her voice, she will never get to be there for a daughter she never really had the chance to get to know.
I take one more sip of my water, wipe the tears from my eyes and peer in at my daughter again. I have no idea how i will possibly handle the year i turn 40, the year my daughter will turn 12… And i just have no idea how my mother was so brave because i know looking into my daughters eyes that i couldnt imagine the pain of having to say goodbye to her… I just couldnt imagine it….
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This year my sister and i have set out on a journey to run a half marathon, not because we want to be fit, not because we want to prove anything to anyone, but because we want to raise awareness for breast cancer. While each other sunday morning you are snug in your bed, my sister and i wake before the sun rises and run throughout the city proud in our running shirts promoting our quest to ‘run for mum’, hoping that someone may see our cause and donate or simply be aware that so many people in this world are suffering, hurting or simply wondering why cancer had to take someone they love so much.
So take a moment…
Take a moment and please think of all the people out there who’s stories are like mine… And even if it is just the change in the bottom of your purse, wallet or pocket, please donate to cancer research by sponsoring us this mothers day…
Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful... Buddah
Day 203 in my miracles life
Day 10 Dairy free
Follow you heart…
Please find it in your heart to donate HERE
Day 180 in my miracles life
Last night i cried, i cried once again harder than i have cried in a long time. I cried because i was lonely and i cried because i was scared, i cried because all i could think in the back of my mind was that it would be ok if only i had a mother to talk to. Once again i let myself cry, i let the weaker version of myself out, and i cried over something i have no control over, i let myself cry over something that sometimes i feel i should have finished crying over a long time ago.
Yesterday my sister sent me a copy of a page from my mothers journel, and there were just three words that cut me so deep, three words that i guess i never ever imagined my mother to say.
“I dont want to die”
She knew it was coming, she knew what was inevitable, she knew she had no control over it, but still my mother was scared. My mother was scared. Mothers arnt meant to be scared, mothers arnt meant to have to say that all they want is to see their daughters grow up, to grow old with the man they loved, mothers are meant to be strong, appear strong, be the stronger version of who we are, my mother to me is meant to be the stronger version of who i am.
I always saw my mother as a rock, she appeared to me as the pillar of strength, as someone who was unbreakable, but yesterday i learned that i was wrong, so very very wrong. Just like anyone, just like me, she cried, and i wonder just how much she cried, i wonder just how much she hurt, and i wonder just how much it broke her heart to have to put those words on that piece of paper “They need me, i need them. I want to live”
I am learning that maybe my mother was more like me than i realised, or maybe that i am more like my mother than i realised, i am learning that whilst we may appear strong, and whilst others may think we have it all together, we dont – and honestly that is ok, it is ok sometimes not to be strong, and it is ok sometimes to be weak, to have a moment of weakness, to express how we really feel inside, to let it out, to write it down, so that one day our daughters may read it and feel in an instant that they are not really alone, because unexpectedly out of nowhere they learn that their mother loved them so much that she wrote on a peice of paper…
“I dont want to die, i want to see the girls grow up, to see them as women, maybe with husbands and children of their own…”
I sit here and wonder what she would be thinking now, of me with my husband and my precious miracle baby…?
Please donate to help research a cure for Breast Cancer by SPONSORING us in the Mothers Day Classic
Thirteen weeks, two days. Day 95 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Okay so i just saw this post at Ahh my married life… Who checked it out from Ready to be a Mom. Two TOTALLY awesome people… and well i thought i might jump on the band wagon and let you guys know what i have done in my short but sweet life time 
You can join in too! I’d love to know what you have done that i havent 
Instructions: The post is a list of 99 things you could have done, and you are supposed to bold the ones that you yourself have done.
1. Started your own blog… and where would i be without it?
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain – yes there were tears!
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris – LIVED THERE!
13. Watched a lightning storm – every summer…
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch – is long distance running an art?
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France – did i mention that i lived there?
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight – last night, with my puppy
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill – my husband came home from a long trip away, it was like 5 years ago!
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon – not yet! you just wait, it is in the works!
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice – im sure i must have done that while i lived over there…
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied – If it is one this i have learnt, money is not happiness
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling — snorkeling, who hasnt?
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie – does a home made movie for drama class count?
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone – my sister sat on my finger and snapped it in half!
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper — last year, my sister and i’s team “we run for mum” featured in the paper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby – six months!
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee – and found out i was allergic to them!
WOW, never forget where you came from and what you have done in your life…
Twelve weeks, three days. Day 89 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I thought I was okay.
I thought that I knew how to survive without her, and I thought that 16 years without a mum was enough time for the pain to heal and for the need of a mum to leave.
But I was wrong.
Through my tears and through my pain I uttered the four words I never imagined I would ever say out loud; I cried “I want my mum”
Sometimes, time just isn’t enough to heal the pain of losing someone you loved with everything that was inside of you, sometimes the pain stays with you, and sometimes through your hardships you learn that saying goodbye just isn’t enough. I thought that I was okay, but last year I learnt that sometimes you simply need a mum.
This year I can’t run for my mum, but my heart will race, and I will walk for her.
I will remember what I had, and I will remember all that I have, and I will gather my family, my friends, and any soul that understands my pain, and I will walk.
I will walk for the mother I lost, I will walk for all the women who lost their battles every day, and I will walk for all the pain I see in every daughter, every sister, in every mother, every partner, and in every family member or friend, that have to watch someone they know go through something so awful as breast cancer…
This year we walk to raise money for all the tears shed, and for all the souls out there who have had to say good bye to the one person they never thought they would.
Help save someone’s lifetime, and put a smile on a new mothers face.
Sponsor “We run for mum 2010”
In honour of Jenny Bowen 1954 – 1994
Last year my sister and I raised $3,618.00 for breast cancer by running the Mothers Day Classic fun… We joined together with friends and family to spread the word, and too let people know that there is something that we can do to help.
My sister and I suffered the loss of our mother 16 years ago and today I ask from the bottom of my heart for a donation, no matter how small…
Donate here
Join our team here and make sure you select the team “We run for mum”
Please find it in your heart to pass this simple message along to your friends.
Limbo Land Day Nine – results in a couple of hours, a have a feeling that not all is right, that something is wrong, i have a pain in my left hand side and i am worried…
However i have just been inspired by my great friends at The Road to Happily Ever After and His & Hers Infertility
Life is hard, life has its ups and downs, and while sometimes it is easy to hate the world, and to hate God, and to curse everything and everyone, it is the good things that we should focus on, and the achievements that we have made that make us who we are today. I have decided that no matter the outcome, and no matter how bad the road ahead is, no matter how good or bad my situation is, i am going to get through this, a week ago i had no hope, but then the tides turned, and whether the tides turn for the worst, or for the better again today, i know i can get through it and i will get through it and i will be a better person for it.
Now for my decade of change – from 17 to 27… and while i cant remember the years (like PCOS Chick!) i can remember that my decade didnt completely suck, and it has gone a little something like this…
Thank you girls, as i look at this list, the past ten years has been awesome, and while 2009 was dreadful and 2010 has started on rocky grounds, it has been an experience, and one day i will be telling someone somewhere about my experience, and all that i have gained…
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. English Proverb
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