IVF

Day Nineteen of 100 – Scared

October 11, 2009 0 Comments

Day Seventeen of IVF Cycle

We are all scared of something.

Different points in our lives make us scared of different things.

Last night i was scared just as today i am scared. Scared that my body is not recuperating from the EPU as well as it did last time, scared that this means that i have little chance of falling pregnant, scared that i will have to do this again, scared that my desire to be a mother will take over my common sense.

My body aches inside and out, and normally i would run hard and fast, get the frustration out, but i am scared, scared to push myself in case i hurt my chances, scared that i will bleed, scared that i will be told no. Im like the girl who wont go ice skating in case she falls through.

Not only am i scared, i am hunted as well.

I am haunted day and night by the thought of not being a mother.

And that makes me feel sorry.

Sorry to all those i have hurt.

Sorry to those who think i have gone too far, or to those who think i have changed, who think it is not worth it.

I am sorry that i feel like something took my childhood away, and like something took my chance to be a mother away. Wouldnt you be scared? Wouldnt you change? Wouldnt you cry? Wouldnt you scream – WHY? Why did you take my innocence? Why did you take my dreams?

I have no answers.

Just as you have no answers.

Only words.

There are worse things in life, i know, but when all you have are words and no answers – you are haunted, you are scared, and you can not be who you were,

only who are now – a scared, confused, haunted little girl…

Sanity maybe madness, but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be. Don Quixote.

Filed Under: IVF

Day Eighteen of 100 – Sometimes you just have to laugh

October 10, 2009 0 Comments

Day Sixteen of IVF Cycle

Some days you really have to laugh at yourself, or you might just cry.

I have a belly ache!

question And the bit you just have to laugh at is the fact that i dont know what kind of belly ache it is! Is it an ivf related belly ache? should i be concerned? Am i just hungry, no no i just ate… Do i need to vomit? no, dont think so… Do i need to poo? Nope done that already…

There have been so many different pains this week i just dont know which is which! And if i dont laugh at myself i really am going to cry..

Funny story: On tuesday night my ovaries were hurting so much that when i pee’d i had to hold onto the walls, at one point i even yelped in pain and my husband came running thinking i had fallen into the loo!

Funny story: On wednesday i couldnt even stand up straight and yet there i was trying to cook myself dinner…

And on the topic of funny stories and wednesdays - about a year ago i got my appendix out, you may think this is somewhat unrelated of IVF – but just give me a moment… Getting my appendix out was the first time i can remember going under anesthetic and to that date probably the most pain i had ever been in, not any more.

Anyway so nobody REALLY knows how they are going to act under anesthetic, nor do they know how they are going to act as they come out of it. After my appendix was removed and i came too, “apparently” i threw something at the nurse, yelled, ripped my oxygen mask off, panicked, and then the next thing i remember was being in the ward yelling again and pulling my nose oxygen out. So i was told the next day that after anesthetic i dont recover well… So be it…. a funny story….

Now do you think i remembered this when i was asked the first time i was sedated for the EPU? nooope, and much to everyone’s amazement it took my fit and healthy body a good 1.5 hours to recover from a 15 minute procedure. Annnnd the second time i went in for the EPU - did i remember this – NOPE of course not!

For those of you who dont know me (everyone) i am a firm believer of mind over matter, it is never a matter of ‘can’t’ it is a matter of ‘wont’. So after my VERY slow recovery on the first EPU i was determined to have a fast recovery – mind over matter, i can do this!

So i go in, the last thing i remember was the plastic smell of the mask, and then it was 9.38am and the nurse was checking on me. Right – i can do this! Speedy recovery! Hmm i’m thirsty, can i have a glass of water – no – not allowed. What about pain relief (the pain after is like the worst menstral cramp EVER) – no – not until i wake up a bit more. 9.55am – water? nope, pain relief? nope. 10.10am ahhh pain relief, i’ll be set after this! 10.30am here we go, needle in arm coming out… Nurse helps me up, am i okay? Yes little woosy but mind over matter mind over matter, i can do this! Got my shorts and shirt on thongs on, walked halfway out the door – BAM – im out (apparently!)

hospital

10.45am back in the recovery bed, HUMPH. 11.05, im okay, i’m okay… Aparently not, another nurse has come to check out the situation, now i have the blood pressure thing and heart rate thing attached to me, something is beeping, oh look and now i have a friend to join me in recovery… 11.15 i have now figured out that the thing beeps if it goes below 90… mind over matter, mind over matter, if you stay above 90 you can go home…. 99….. 90…83 beep beep beep…. humph… other lady is now chatting away to nurse telling how it is her last time to do an epu and if it doesnt work she is out – oh i hope it works for her…. 95…87… beep beep beep, bloody hell… how are you feeling? im okay – can i go? not yet love, you need a bit more colour, low blood pressure – you passed out on me before you know… OPPS! 11.30 – nurse comes back – i’m just going to take this lady back to the clinic, then i will come and take you back okay? out loud yes, in my head – NO – NOT FRIGGIN OKAY! ERRRKKKK i’m young, fit, healthy, and i have the will power of an energizer bunny! ARGGG that 30 something lady, just went in, had pre-procedure consult, had procedure, recovered, and went back to the clinic, while i was just recovering! Bloody hell…. you just have to laugh dont you…

Goes to show two things…

No matter how fit or healthy you are, sometimes your body just reacts in its own manner, each person is different. and,
Sometimes it isnt a matter of mind over matter, sometimes it just takes time…

Filed Under: IVF

Day Seventeen of 100 – The Ten things you will learn throughout the duration of IVF

October 9, 2009 0 Comments

Day fifteen of IVF cycle -

To continue on from my post Day eleven – The ten things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment i bring you ten thing that you will learn throughout the duration of IVF…

The Female reproductive system:- What a follicle is, how large it must be to ovulate, how long an egg lives, where the egg and sperm meet…
The Male reproductive system:- How long sperm lives, what a good sperm count is, what a good sperm mobility count should be, how long it takes for sperm to generate, how many days before EPU he should ejaculate, how many days before EPU he must withstand from ejaculating…
That you are now overly qualified to give your nieces and nephews their sex education classes
That the white fuzz on the ultrasound machine actually means something
That you REALLY did have to lose your modesty - as now not only the doctor, the nurse, and three scientists have seen your un groomed “who-ha” they also almost got pee’d on by you because your bladder was just that little too full at embryo transfer…
That self embarrassment has a whole new level. There is a point in your life where you must realize that talking about discharge or your partners sperm count is generally classified as “too much information”
That unexplained crying will forever remain unexplained. See a baby – cry. See a pregnant lady – cry. See a fat person, assume they are pregnant – cry. See nappies on sale at the grocer – cry. Rub your belly – cry. Cry for no reason. Cry in the am. Cry in the pm. Cry because you are crying.
That when people tell you, you “just need a holiday” or “just relax” or “arn’t you just being a little impatient” they are just trying to help… They really have NO idea, so just nod and smile, nod and smile
That patience is a virtue you dont have, and that the most important thing you will be warned of and the most important thing you will learn throughout the duration of IVF is,
That you and your partner may just be contemplating life without children…

“You have learned something. That always feels at first as if you had lost something.” ~H.G. Wells

Filed Under: Humour, IVF, Top Ten Tagged With: emotions, Fertility, hope, hormones, IVF, journey

Day Sixteen of 100 – One of those days

October 8, 2009 0 Comments

Day Fourteen of IVF Cycle – Today was one of THOSE days…

one of those days You know the ones, the days where it is beautiful outside but you have to work inside.

One of those days that you could really just live without. Those days where everything goes wrong, nothing goes right, and everything and everyone is against you. One of those days where you just shouldn’t get out of bed?

TODAY WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

one of those days1 This morning started with my newest of hormone treatments – Progesterone gel… This is meant to ‘build up’ the lining of the uterus and prepare it for implantation. Seems harmless right? Well well well… I have been here before, and you really really dont want to know… And at risk of ‘too much information’ i will share just two important comments

The ‘injection’ is not a needle, and
side effects

I know that the hormones have not had a chance to get into my system yet, and maybe there are some left in my system from the past week, i am not sure how it all works, all i know is that today was ‘one of those days’ and i feel like it wasnt me in there feeling these feelings. Like i am watching myself experience these emotions.

Over the past year i have noticed at different points the feeling that i was not who i am, wondering why i was getting so sad and stressed, wondering why i was so frustrated and angry, why my temper had gotten the better of me, why i am so quick to throw my hands up in the air and say ‘i cant go on’

It is the weirdest feeling and i think unless you have been on this concoction on hormones, there is no way you will understand what i am writing. No particular reason for crying when you should be smiling, no particular reason for yelling when you should be calm, no particular reason for having ‘one of those days’ but still you just keep having

ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

“A true friend laughs at your stories even when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your troubles even when they’re not so bad” Proverb

Filed Under: IVF Tagged With: emotions, hormones, IVF

Day Fifteen of 100 – I am selfish because i am blessed

October 7, 2009 0 Comments

Day Thirteen of IVF Cycle – 8.30 EPU (egg pick up) checked in at 8am, went in and once again (same thing happened last time) it took me well over 2 hours to recover – they say that some people just dont react to anesthetic well (that would be me!) Great news though, 10 eggs this time! Well worth the pain, at this stage anyway, tomorrow we will find out how many fertilized tonight.

Hardship:- a condition that is difficult to endure; suffering; deprivation; oppression, something hard to bear, as a deprivation, lack of comfort or constant toil…

I will not lie to you, some days of an IVF cycle you face both emotional and physical turmoil, sadness, pain and the feeling that you cannot go on. It is hard. The doctors warn you that it is emotionally troubling, they give you free psychologist appointments, just to make sure you and your partner are surviving, but no matter what they tell you about the struggle, you will never really understand it until you have been through it.

I am sitting here in bed, holding off on the pain relief for a couple more hours so that i dont fall asleep before i eat, and i am watching the news. Five minutes ago i was feeling very sorry for myself, in so much pain, yelling at my husband because he was being inconsiderate, then the stories of all the disasters overseas came on, and suddenly my anguish seemed so insignificant, and all i can think of is…

I am selfish because i am blessed.

Watching the heart ache that mother nature has caused, there is no rhyme or reason for it, no explanation, it just happened. People died, people are suffering, they have no where to live, some are trapped, scared, confused, and in emotional and physical turmoil – just like i said i was.

But i am blessed. I have everything i need, a roof over my head, a husband that loves me, friends, family…

They are the ones that need hope

They are the ones that need faith

They are the ones that need a little miracle

All my troubles seem so selfish, and my woes insignificant compared to the pain, hardship and inhumanity caused by these natural disasters overseas – it makes me ask once more – Where are you God?

I have just realized that while i may feel pain, i may feel like i am suffering, i may feel like i have been delt the worse cards, that my hardship is nothing compared to what some others face in their lifetime.

Filed Under: IVF

Day Fourteen of 100 – OWWWWWW, make the pain go away!

October 6, 2009 0 Comments

Day twelve of IVF cycle - no needles today, but i think i would rather the needles than the pain i am experiencing. This is much worse than the first cycle, MUCH worse…

I can not describe the amount of pain i am in apart from that i had acute appendicitis and my appendix was removed last year, and that was a walk in the path compared to this – probably because they gave me morphine for that – oh how some morphine would help right now!

Ovary

The worst part of all this pain is that i am worried about OHSS …

For those of you who are not sure what OHSS (Ovarian hyper stimulation) is:

“Ovarian hyper stimulation:- is when you have unusually large number of mature follicles that release eggs. When these follicles release, there is an unusually high concentration of oestrogen-rich fluid in the peritoneal cavity and the ovaries are generally enlarged far beyond their usual plum size. In some cases they can swell to softball size. In milder cases women experience bloating and mild pain from the over sized ovaries (that is me – but i wouldn’t call it mild pain!) The treatment then is just a matter of rest and staying well hydrated (I’m in bed, drinking water). In more severe cases, the oestrogen in the peritoneal cavity causes fluid to leak out of the circulatory system and into the peritoneal cavity and other spaces, such as the cavity around the lungs. This can cause marked discomfort and bloating, and can cause difficulty breathing due to pressure on the diaphragm (hmm not really – thank goodness)….”

I have been told by the nurse that i must keep my fluids up, and drink gatorade, take some panadol, and rest… which i am doing… But it is still hard not too worry… and it really really really really HURTS!

“Humour can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers and once you find laughter no matter how painful the situation might be – you can survive it. “ Bill Crosby

Filed Under: Humour, IVF Tagged With: IVF, pain

Day Thirteen of 100 – The top ten emotions you should most watch out for while on IVF hormones

October 5, 2009 0 Comments

D rollercoaster ay eleven of IVF cycle - THE BIGGEST ROLLER COASTER RIDE YET!

125 iu’s FSH, Orgalutran injection PLUS Overdril (trigger injection), three needles tonight, feeling tired bloated, sick, at the limits of my pain threshold, emotions running wild… but thats it, after 8.30pm tonight, no more needles! Yip, yip, yippie! Egg pickup only 36 hours away… quality not quantity nurse rachael says… we want quality… and i am praying for good little googy eggs…

So today was a BAD day, i was sick, sore, extraordinarily busy and very very hormonal… and in my frazzled state of mind i may have accidentally overreacted, so in honor of a twenty year friendship down the tube due to hormones i have decided to pass on what i have discovered today for all to learn from…

The top ten emotions that will sneak up on you at any given moment, while you are on an IVF cycle are:

Depression: despair, sadness, misery, hopelessness, gloominess, melancholy, dejection, unhappiness…
Regret: feel sorry, disappointment, apologetic, repentant, remorseful, shame…
Frustration: aggravation, irritation, disturbance, annoyance, dissatisfaction…
Anxiety: nervous, worried, concerned, uneasy, apprehensive, restless, fretful, fearful…
Confusion: bewilderment, perplexity, puzzlement, uncertainty, misunderstanding…
Excitement: enthusiasm, thrill, anticipation…
Inspired: encouraged, motivated, enthused, stimulated, stirred, moved…
Joy: delight, happiness, pleasure, enjoyment, bliss, elation, thrill…
Anger: annoyance, irritation, fury, rage…
Overreacting: exaggerate, dramatize, be melodramatic, over the top, react excessively…

While these emotion are not uncommon to anyone else on this planet, the difference between emotions, and IVF emotions are that they are not only felt 1,000,000 times more powerfully. They are ALL felt in a very short time frame, and all jumbled up intermingled with each other, eating your brain up, consuming every thought you have…

A prime example of this was demonstrated today. The emotional roller coaster of me all began at 9.46am with an email, yes an email sent me mad today, and as the message went back and forth, and back and forth, and back again, well this is what transpired emotionally…

9.46am – Inspired

10.31am – Frustrated

10.46am – Angery

10.50am – At this point i think i overreacted

11.01am – Then came the regret

11.31am – Then AGAIN Frustrated

11.43am – And a little more regret

11.58am – Then Confusion

12.01pm – Joy, only given by the fact that it was lunch time)

12.28pm – Then back to the desk and it hits: Depression

1.03pm – Then the REAL feelings and emotions emerged…

1.04pm – misunderstanding excitement depression sadness misery hopelessness melancholy dejection unhappiness regret feel sorry elation disappointment apologetic repentant remorseful shame aggravation irritation disturbance dissatisfaction anxiety nervous worried concerned uneasy apprehensive despair restless fretful fearful confusion uncertainty thrill anticipation inspired encouraged enthused stimulated stirred moved joy delight happiness thrill anger annoyance irritation fury rage overreacting exaggerate dramatize be melodramatic over the top bewilderment perplexity puzzlement pleasure enjoyment bliss frustration react excessively annoyance gloominess enthusiasm motivated….

1.06pm – if u cant tell i am hormonal, at work, busy, & MY OVARIES HURT! Bloody hell! And still the rest of the day to survive…

5.23pm – i survived, i made it through the day! Unfortunately my BF of 20yrs is no longer talking to me, and doesnt understand that the emotions i felt today, and the reactions that occurred were somewhat out of my control. I wish i could say that i have learnt something, and i wish that i could say that i will never ever overreact again, but chances are i will. There are still many more hormones to be pumped into my body over the next three weeks, and still many more emotions that i will feel 100 times more powerfully then i expect. I feel that i cannot live in regret, what happened today happened, they way i acted may have seemed inexcusable, and i am truly sorry for hurting someone i love, but in the end i shouldn’t have to be anyone but myself i can’t help it, i am who i am. I’ve done nothing recently but bare my soul and be honest about who and what i am. If the truth that comes in the way of hormone enhanced emotions cannot be handled, then so be it. I tired, and i think i failed, but

“The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.” Vince Lombardi

Filed Under: Humour, IVF, Top Ten Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Frustrated, hope, hormones, injection, inspiration, IVF, journey, Needles, Sad

Day Twelve of 100 – Ewwww… The needle is evil!

October 5, 2009 0 Comments

Day ten of IVF cycle - there are many exciting things to learn about the Orgalutran injection, one thing i learned last night was not only is the needle blunt, but the needle is evil, and has a mind of its own!

I went in for the kill, the jab, and to my surprise look what happened… and yes it did hurt, and still does for that matter!

And you will be pleased to know that tonight i get to give myself 3 needles… i am running out of un bruised territory on my very bloated belly!

Can you see the blood can you see can you see -OWWW-IEEE

Close up… I am sooo bloated

And blood went back up the needle too! That’s never happened before…

EWWWWW! Gross…

Apparently this is not uncommon, and the nurse told me today, nothing to worry about, PHEW! But still Ewwww…

Filed Under: IVF

Day twelve of 100 – Have you ever dared?

October 4, 2009 0 Comments

Have you ever dared to dream, dared to believe, dared to hope, dared to have faith, dared to be inspired to your heart’s content, dared to feel the warmth from the sun rising on a cold winters morning?

Have you ever dared to look at a jacaranda tree and remember your childhood dreams, remember the songs you used to sing that made you feel like nothing in this world could be more perfect… have you ever dared to remember all those moments in your life that made you who you are; the look on your husbands face as you walked down the isle, the look on your mothers face when you told her how beautiful she was, the moments, the memories, the feeling inside when you dared to remember and to dream?

Have you ever dared to just looked around you, dared shed a tear in happiness, felt a sense of childhood contentment deep from the bottom of your heart, felt like you can go on, felt like there is more to give, more of you to give, like you can do this, and “by george” nothing will stop you?

I have.

Twice.

And that is why i am still here.

Thank the Lord i am still here.

“Don’t ever regret the past nor dread the future. Live each day at a time and cherish the moments with the ones you love.” Cheryl Schull

Filed Under: Have you ever?, IVF Tagged With: Beliefs, emotions, hope, inspiration, journey

Day Eleven of 100 – The 10 things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment

October 3, 2009 0 Comments

Day nine of IVF cycle – 125 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection, today i was on bed rest, 15 follicles on my RHS gave me quite a lot of pain. I have been quite concerned with this OHSS and am praying for good quality eggs for my retrieval on wednesday. In hope to ease my worry i have compiled my list of the ten things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment…

That first appointment, the one where you are waiting in anticipation, excited about the hope that there is something that can be done about the fact that you haven’t had a period in – when was the last time i had my period?

It is at this point one of the nurses should give you a beautifully decorated piece of paper that says the following:-

10 things

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying where there seemed to be no HOPE at all.” Dale Carnegie