So it has come to my attention that i am yet to explain the real story behind the name George.

Three years ago as my husband and i drove from our wedding to our honeymoon, the conversation of babies arose...

And just on a side note, why is it that the day you 'tie the knot' relatives always then suddenly ask you when you are going to have babies?  It is like yesterday they couldnt ask, but because now you have a ring on your finger, ohh we can ask now!

As we drove down the coast avoiding the real topic of when we were going to start trying for babies, we spoke about boys and girls.  Growing up i alwasy wanted a girl, never a boy... I was never sure i wanted children, but i knew that if i was to be a mother i wanted to have a girl...  NEVER in a hundred years imagining that in reality that didnt really matter.

As i explained to my new husband that if i was to have a baby it would 'have to be' a girl he turned to me and asked me if i would give the baby back if it was a boy...

I answered with 'no you cant give a baby back, i would just name it something really really mean and silly!'

'Like what?'

'Like GEORGE! Like George of Seinfeld, a real nerdy name...'

My husband just giggled.

Three years later as we embarked on our quest for a child, as we said 'one last time' we gave our little embryo a name... The only name we had ever talked about as a couple.  George.

Those first ten days of waiting, each nite my husband came home and asked 'how is my george?'

Each of the twenty days of limbo land where we really didnt know what was going on my husband would tell me 'george is strong, he will make it'

Every day of the past 223 days my husband has asked me 'how is george?' 'is george kicking?'

Every day of the past 223 days my husband has told me that 'george will be ok' 'george is a fighter'

When i needed comfort, especially in the early days, putting a name to the miracle helped.  When i look down at my belly, when i am not sure, when i am scared, i tell my george is will be ok, i tell george that i am in love, and i tell george that nothing else in this world matters....

I was young and naive and i thought george would be the name i would give to a child that i thought i wouldnt want.  But now i know, i have learned, that this name means everything to my husband and i.  It is the only name we have ever had for this desperately wanted child, and no matter how silly the name, no matter how wrong, stupid and naive the story behind it is, for some reason my husband and i are now in love with the name, and cant let go.

Affections are like lightning: you cannot tell where they will strike till they have fallen. Lee Iacocca

100 Days of IVF

150 Days of Hope

100 Days to go...

Today like many others on this journey is special. Today marks the day where there are but 1oo days left until we meet our little miracle george.

Once again i sit here in astonishment and wonder how i got so far, how one small idea has become so much to me, how one small idea could have lead to so many friends, so much support, and so much love and commitment for one small being.  I sit here and wonder why not in one million years why it never even crossed my mind that i might have such struggles, why i never imagined anything but a perfect life for myself.

And that leads me to say that i truly never expected this.  Three years ago when i walked down the isle to marry the man i always loved, i could have never expected to be here, to have been through what i have been through...

I never imagined that 250 days ago i would hurt from places so deep, experience pain so unfathomable it tears your heart in two, destroys everything about you, you have ever know to be you.

I never imagined that 150 days ago, when my wounds should have been healed, i would experience a type of limbo land that stole all my confidence, destroyed my hope and yet gave it back to me with so much more faith than i ever could have had, and all in a torturous 20 days.

And i  never, ever imagined that today i would be sitting here with a joy in my heart so great it brings me to tears each and every time i think about 100 days from now.  Never imagined that with one small kick, one single movement, a tiny being inside of me could create a feeling so strong that it runs through my veins to my heart and heals me from all the pain i went through to get to this point.

No one can anticipate what will happen over the next 100 days.  I know that i will be scared, i know that it will not be easy, but i know that no matter what i have hope.  I have faith and i have a love so great for and from people i know only from words that it makes me forget the past, and believe only in a future that is looked forward to with all of my heart and soul...

100 Days of IVF

150 Days of Hope

100 Days to go...

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches can not.  In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. Oscar Wilde

I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.

This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before.  I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.

I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.

I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt.  No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering.  Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying.  I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.

Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why?  Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.

Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears.  I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.

Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.

I  Jesus name i pray,

AMEN.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

I am lost for words tonight, i thought that i knew how i felt, i thought i was scared about tomorrow, i thought i knew who i was and what i thought, and then i received an honest opinion...

I realized that this is what i really needed tonight. Something that made me look at my inner most thoughts, my worries, my pain, what i have wanted, and the way i have looked at myself...

Someone to guide me, to let me know that things are ok - but to just take another look.  I realized that everything that i was told was true, that sometimes i fear the worst for unjust reasons, that sometimes i look at myself with an eye of hate, and that sometimes when i doubt what i have, i give reason to let the devil in.

And i think that today, that has been the best gift...

Learning that through my words, i can receive advice.  Learning that i can be healed if i just ask, learning that i am not alone, and that there are wonderful people out there just waiting to help me, to guide me, and to strengthen my faith...

To accept good advice is but to increase one's own ability. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The heart has reasons that reason does not understand. Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Today i pray, because while i have complete faith that what is meant to be will be, i am scared... I have no idea how i will face the next few days, i have to be positive, but i am still scared to let myself hope for fear of devastation.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving George the chance she has had, thank you for giving her the strength to grow each day, and each day showing me a new miracle.

I pray now that you continue to give George the strength to keep growing, i pray that you give our embryo a heart, the most beautiful heart that will grow to love you and your word.  I pray that Georges heart, the heart you give life to this week, grows stronger and stronger by the day and by the minute...

I pray that this miracle of ours proves that you are real, proves living each day by faith and trusting in you brings miracles, proves that we all can trust in the power of prayer...

Lord, as i do each day, i pray for all the ladies out there who have suffered or are suffering in a story similar to mine, i pray that you give them courage they need to continue, and most importantly peace within, and the ability to find happiness.

I also pray for the women out there who dont understand what it is like to appreciate life, nor see the miracle in each life that you give, i pray that somehow they find compassion and understanding as well as the ability to appreciate what you have blessed them with...

Lord, thank you for all you have blessed me with, and i ask once more that you be with George and give her all the strength that she needs...

In Jesus Name i Pray

Amen...

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 NKJV

To my dearest little miracle,

Today i dare to hope, i dare to believe, i dare to have the faith i should always have had.

My little miracle, i tell you no lies, i am scared like i have never been scared before.   I want you more than anything on this earth, and today, today i dared to believe that i would have you, that i could have you, that you are really there inside of me growing into the perfect child i know you will be.

Today i imagined that a year from now i would be cherishing a moment with you, i dreamed that my miracle was real, and i shouted it to the world, i dared to hope that my miracle, you would be in my arms by my third wedding anniversary...

Today i put on paper the day, day 44 in my quest for you, day 44 of hope, day 44 of the most confusing roller coaster ride i have ever experienced... But if it means day 44 in the beginning of your life, i dont care, i wont leave this roller coaster ride until i have you safely in my arms...

My miracle once more i hold on to the quote, "when the world shouts 'give up'... Hope whispers 'one more time'"... You are my one more time, you are my miracle, you make me believe that all things are possible, and that love holds no boundaries... You are my hope... And i will always love you...

Love from a mother that may never be.

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true. Anon

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it?  Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain?  Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not?  Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

There comes a point i think when one just must go on... Decide that whatever will be will be, because in the end there is nothing you can do, no way that you can change things, nothing that you can do to physicality change the outcome...

I know that if the outcome of this waiting, of this limbo land, is negative, i will be devistated, there is nothing i can do for myself to change that.  But in saying that, i can act now to help myself pick myself up again.  And that is what i am doing.

I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

Yesterday and last night my boobs stoped hurting,and my husband even commented that they had shrunk, and i know in reality this means that the HCG hormone levels must have dropped.  I want to hope and i want to believe that this may still be my miracle, and after yesterday i will never stop believing in miracles, and i will try my hardest not to doubt Gods plan, but i am a realist, and i am not naive, i know that on monday my blood work will have confirmed the enevadible.

It is funny because last week, all i wanted was for my levels to drop and this to be over... I prayed that my boobs would stop hurting and that i could just go back to normaility...  But after i saw that ultrasound, after i saw just an ounce of hope, it was like my world changed, and i wanted the levels to stay, i wanted my boobs to hurt....

On thursday i said i needed a miracle to go on, i saw one on friday, and today on saturday even though the outcome looks bleak, because i got the miracle i asked for, i know in my heart that it will be okay, and that the future is what it is and i cant change it, i just have to find enough faith and courage inside of me, and know that i will be ok, and one day, one day, i will hold my miracle, and know that it truly was a miracle...

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness

To day i witnessed a miracle and a half, and once more my faith has been restored.

I know its sad to say that i needed my faith to be restored, but sometimes, you need to see something that makes you believe, to have hope once more, something that makes you smile uncontrollably - even if its just for one second... Sometimes you just need to see love to know inside of you that sometimes things can really work out.

Today i saw a life born into the arms of two loving parents.  I saw someone give all they have into giving life to a child, and even now it makes me cry and smile all at the same time.

I cant express to you how much gratitude i have for being able to witness such a miracle, and it came just when i needed it most of all... Some would think that i may feel jealous or envious, as i may never be able to experience such a miracle myself... But im not, there is no part of me that felt anything but overwhelming happiness and excitement for what i experienced, and the life that i will be a part of as long as i am on this earth.

I meet a miracle this morning at 11.12am - thirty five minutes earlier than i predicted.  Charlie Jason Angell is the most perfect little Angell who belongs to the two most deserving Angells i know. And while all that was happening, this morning at 9.30am I also saw what could be a miracle, what i hope to be a miracle... I saw a void in my uterus... a void that could possibly grow into a miracle of my own.

I know babies are born every minute of everyday, and for most people, not deserving enough to call a miracle, but if they knew the struggles some women go through, if they sore what it takes to make a baby, if they spent the day with me... They would surely realize just how much life is a wonder...

From a void to a little baby.... Amazing, magical and just the most splendid feeling on this earth...  How on earth can you not believe in a higher power, in miracles, in all that the Lord has to offer, once you know that some cells, a microscopic ball of cells, a void in a uterus... can grow into a little life... Tell me now not to believe...

A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. Eda J. Le Shan

I have lost hope, and i have lost my spirit, all i constantly think, is i cant take this anymore, i dont understand the pain, and i dont understand why so many people have to go through this and worse, and i hate the fact that going through this has made me bitter, that it has changed me, that i have lost my carefree spirit, i hate all those things and much much more...

I have to have faith i keep telling myself, i have to believe in miracles, i have to believe i will be ok...  That for some stupid reason there is purpose to my pain...

But when will i be ok? When does it stop hurting?  When and how does my mind turn from i hate this, to i believe, from i cant focus on anything else, to i have complete faith?

When will i stop crying myself to sleep?

I want to have faith, but it hurts

I want to be ok, but im not

I want to believe, but all i see is suffering

I need a miracle

I need to see something that will once more make me believe that there is something wonderful out there, a reason, a purpose, something for me to have hope for, something for me to live for.

I need a miracle

I know deep down i want nothing more than to have complete and utter faith...  Faith that i will get over this, faith that my life will go on for the next six months without me questioning my decisions, faith that my relationship will be ok, faith that i will be ok, faith that i will find hope again, faith that my lost spirit will come back to me, faith that i will one day look at myself and like who i see, faith that there are options, and more than anything i want faith that i will one day feel my own child growing inside of me...

But its so hard, it is just so hard...

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and Hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while.  My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over...

But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this.  And again ask where are you God? Where are you now?  How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away... A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies... Then why oh why am i going through this again?  What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again...?

Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early... but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself ...

If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.

I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time...

I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say - WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?

And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched...

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon

I just want this over.  I want my final cry and i want to get on with my life.  I dont care anymore.  No matter how much i pray, no matter how much i scream, no matter how much i wish, and no matter how much i cry out to the Lord for a miracle, no matter how much i chase this... It only hurts more.

I want to say that i am angry, i want to hate this world and what it puts us through, i want to blame someone, i want to punch something, and most of all i want to hate God - but i cant... I just cant because i am over it, i am honestly just over it, i dont want to do this anymore - I WANT OUT!

Dont get me wrong... I want a child more than anything else on this earth, but more than that, i want to be whole.  I want my life back, i want to wake up in the morning and have hope, i want to wake up to a schedule, i want to wake up and be proud of myself and what i have achieved, i want nothing more on this earth than to be happy, and this not knowing, this limbo land, this maybe maybe not... It makes me say over and over and over again I WANT OUT!

I want to run away my pain, i want to wake up and think, ok this is the plan, this is who i am and what i am going to achieve this year.. but i cant because i am stuck, i am stuck in limbo land waiting the worst wait of my life.

To my dearest little miracle,

Are you there? Your mother and father need to know what is happening, as much as we love you, we cant do this anymore.  We are hurting from places even deeper than the places we never thought we could hurt, and we need to grieve, but we cant because there are no definite answers. I need to know, we need to know where you are, if you are there?

My little one, we still love you, and still hope for this miracle, i pray for this miracle to be a true miracle, where the unexpected and unexplained happens...

My Dearest little miracle if you are still there be strong and show yourself... Show yourself in all your beauty...

Love from a mother that may never be.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. Dorothy Thompson

However i have just been inspired by my great friends at The Road to Happily Ever After and His & Hers Infertility

Life is hard, life has its ups and downs, and while sometimes it is easy to hate the world, and to hate God, and to curse everything and everyone, it is the good things that we should focus on, and the achievements that we have made that make us who we are today.  I have decided that no matter the outcome, and no matter how bad the road ahead is, no matter how good or bad my situation is, i am going to get through this, a week ago i had no hope, but then the tides turned, and whether the tides turn for the worst, or for the better again today, i know i can get through it and i will get through it and i will be a better person for it.

Now for my decade of change - from 17 to 27... and while i cant remember the years (like PCOS Chick!) i can remember that my decade didnt completely suck, and it has gone a little something like this...

• Became an Aunt for the first time
• Meet my husband to be
• Dropped out of university (theater acting)
• Step son was born
• Studied and completed Diploma of Interior design
• Became the proud mother of Alfred my first fur baby (cat)
• Moved out of home
• DH and I rented our first place together
• Found out i Had Systemic lupus erythematosus
• Became an Aunt for the second time
• Got my first full time job
• Got my car license
• Got my first car
• Meet 3 girls who are now my closest friends
• Watched my sister, step sister and father get married
• Got engaged
• Bought a house, pulled the insides out and renovated it
• Got married (Still the best day of my whole life!)
• Lernt how to run long distance
• Stared a running group with my sister... Each year we run 8km on mothers day in the mothers day fun run.  "We run for mum" in the two years that we have competed the run, has raised about $6,000 for breast cancer.  We are running again this year! And will continue to run until we die..
• Switched Jobs
• Had my appendix removed
• My best friend fell pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful girl... I couldnt be more happy for her!
• Discover that i am going to be an Aunt for the third time! so excited - any day now YEY!
• Decided to have a baby
• Found out that having a baby is easier said then done
• Started this blog
• Made a daily habit of finding at least one quote i like and writing it on my blog
• Meet the most wonderful people in the must unexpected place (twitterverse)
• Got our second fur child - Wilma, who i just adore and to many peoples disgust will over protect and treat like the child i may never have...
• Realized that life is what you make of it, and while sometimes it is hard, you will always pull through it a better person in the end.

Thank you girls, as i look at this list, the past ten years has been awesome, and while 2009 was dreadful and 2010 has started on rocky grounds, it has been an experience, and one day i will be telling someone somewhere about my experience, and all that i have gained...

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. English Proverb

You know that feeling when your not sure whether to cry, laugh, or simply shake your head at yourself... That is me.  I have literally spent the whole day trying to think of something funny to post tonight, something that could make light of the ridiculousness of my behavior over the past 36 hours... But i couldnt think of anything that would or could possibly explain it...

I have over the last couple of days been exploring myself for signs of pregnancy, i guess to confirm that i havent hurt anything, and maybe to reassure myself that everything is going to be ok on monday.  I have picked up a calendar, then quickly put it down about three times already, thinking about dates, then not letting myself explore that just yet, telling myself that there will be time for that in the weeks to come.  I have checked out my boobs more in the past three days then i have ever in my life time. I even showed DH and asked if he thought they looked bigger!... I have wondered about nausea and tiredness and little cramps.  I have wondered about the coffee i was drinking and the fetta cheese that i couldnt avoid in last nights salad... I have wandered every time i peed, whether i was peeing more than normal... From any other perspective i might just be considered INSANE! And then i think to myself - is this normal? Is this what other IVF or TTC people think when they find out they are pregnant? or maybe pregnant?

But then again, what else do i do?  What else would anyone else in this situation do?

I am scared to hope for fear of breaking down if the outcome is not as hoped, i am scared to think negatively for fear of sending negative vibes.  I am worried about the outcome, yet i know that whatever happens happens, and i will be ok in the end - it just goes round and round and back again, and i still wonder if this is normal? And even how long this will continue?

I know that in 48 hours there will be an answer, and this craziness might possibly subside - I just hope it is the answer i spent the past 102 days dreaming about...

Sometimes the answer to prayer is not that it changes life, but that it changes you. James Dillet Freeman