Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill.... Just so you know, I loved you before you were apart of me, I loved you when you were apart of me, and I guess I always will love you no matter how near far or you are from me. Anon

To my dearest little miracle,

Today is a magnificent day!  Today i saw you again, and my little one the doctor tells me you are doing fantastically!  And after last week i feel as if i could do back flips!

My cheeky little baby, you are butt down (breech) and not going anywhere...  You have managed to sit yourself down in what i assume to be a comfortable spot for you, not for me however.... OWIE feet in cervix not comfortable FYI.... And you have decided that your not going anywhere (or so the doctor tells me)...  So for me this means that more than likely i will be booked in for a c section at 38 weeks...

Thats only 4 1/2 weeks away my little one!  I am going to meet you sooner than we thought, and today for the first time in what feels like such a long time i am not scared anymore, i am just so excited i could burst!

Today nothing else matters anymore, no 'fear' of the unknown is going to bring me to tears, no 'fear' of pain, no 'fear' of not being ready, no 'fear' or 'what if's' about being in special care, i am not having any of it anymore, i am tossing that aside and just focusing on you and having you in my arms, and having the best 4 weeks of my life with the man i love beside me as we wait together for the baby we longed for, dreamed of, and will now cherish for an eternity...

You my precious, are all that matters to me know, and i just cant wait to have you in my arms!

Love from a mother that will be

An old favorite for the day....  Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddah

To my dearest little miracle,

I dont want to cry, i want to be strong for you, but i know that in the days, weeks, and months to come that there will be tears. I will cry for you, and i know that at times i will cry for me too, becuause i am scared... There is nothing more frightening than the unknown, there really isnt.

My little one i know that no matter how much i prepare myself for this, no matter how much i research this, no matter how much i visulise what is going to happen and how delicate and precious you will be, no matter how much i know that the statistics are with us, no matter what i am still scared for you.

I am sitting here with all my faith believing in my heart and hoping like hell that tonight you and i will be heading home and you will be inside of me for at least a month longer, grow just that little bit more to ensure that you are stronger... And i just have to have faith that my body will support you the way that you need.

The future is just so unknown so uncertain... Its hard not to be scared, hard not to be overwhelmed.

Love from a mother that will be

To me dearest little miracle,

As you read the days past, as you learn more about me, as the days go by and my confidence grows, we both will learn that while there are many things about pregnancy i do not like, there are a few things each day which make me smile, and bring the most joy your father and i have ever experienced.

Last night as i lay in bed with our puppy beside me, you began kicking... As the kicks got stronger i pulled my night shirt over my belly and watched... You tossed and turned, you kicked and you danced like you have never danced before, and all i could see was my little (or big) belly moving around like there was an alien in side of me!

I wish now that i had thought of getting the video out, but maybe another night...

It was the most amazing thing i have ever experienced, the most joy i have ever felt in my life, and call it pregnancy hormones or call it over emotional - i dont know, but there were tears welling up in my eyes.... It really was the most precious day so far in this journey... I will never let go of the fact that no matter what happens i have a wonderful memory that will be forever in my heart, and when i need a smile i will know just what to think of...

As the days go by and the time ticks on, we realise the path we have traveled in life has lead us to an existence which is full on unimaginable beauty, and in ever way is perfect... Cheryl Schull

Yesterday as i sat in the cinema with my beautiful nephew and niece watching Toy Story 3 i bawled my eyes out.

Yes you heard correctly, i cried like a baby in a children s movie!

But you must understand, as i watched the movie and as i rubbed my belly, i was reminiscing on my childhood toys and all the joys they brought, the memories they hold and all the times i myself held onto them so tight just to get me through the evenings.

And as i sat there watching the story of Andy and his Woody, i was reminded especially of the one toy that still means the world to me - my woofie.

27 years on my woffie, a pound puppy that my mother gave to me when i was just a new born, still has a special spot in my heart that could never be taken away.  This is the toy that comforted me in my crib, the toy that got me through the night when i thought the boogie man was under my bed, this is the toy that listened to my stories when no one else was around, and this special stuffed puppy was the one who was there to mop up my tears.  My pound puppy, my woofie, he was the toy that was there when my mother was no longer around, he was there when my heart was broken a thousand times, he was even taken with me on the night before i married my husband, and as stupid as it seems, i already have a special spot chosen for him in my precious geroges room.

At 27 you would think i would have grown out of a toy, you would have thought that i should have given it away, or in its condition thrown it out, but i cant.... This silly toy is to precious to me.

And it was not just that, no as i watched the movie i also realised that soon i would be choosing a special toy for my precious miracle to love and hold onto, to cherish, to have through the hard times and the good times, a toy that would bring my child happiness just as i once had with my woofie, a toy that in 27 years time will hold just the same amount of sentimental value... And that too brought tears to my eyes.

It makes me wonder about others toys, about the toys that were there for your childhood, about the toys that still mean everything and more to you... Tell me, tell me about your toy story...

We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten. Cesare Pavese

To my dearest little miracle,

One day, a long time from today, a day when you look back and wonder about times past, when you want to learn more about the events that shaped your country and your life, about days when so much was happening in the world, where times where changing, and when you get to look back and think 'really - that was a first' you will be able to look back and know that your mother was thinking about you.

And today my dear, something happened in our country, something that hit the news world, something that made everyone stop and say 'what happened, what is happening, do you know the outcome?'

Today 'JULIA Gillard has accepted the role of Australia's first female prime minister with the greatest humility and enthusiasm'(news.com.au)...

Now i am not the one for politics, i am not the one who typically wants to know much, or cares to much, or gets to involved... But today i did stop, and i did want to know, and i did care, because today i realised that this decision, this change, this may very well effect your life to come, that i am a part of something that will be a part of your future.

I sit here and wonder what this all means, what it might mean for you, but honestly it could mean anything, and right now as i sit here watching all the stories and reading all the updates all i can think is how blessed i am to be able to share this with you, how blessed i truly am to be telling MY future generation that i saw that first Australian female prime minister be sworn in, that me, your mother will actually be telling her child that she was there at that time - and as corney or stupid as it sounds, as important or unimportant as this event will be in your life time, all i know right now is that i will get to share my knowledge and my past with you who is my future, part of the future, and that is what excites me.

That is what makes me care.  You.

Love from a mother that will be.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt

To my dearest little miracle,

Just so you know, i have a silly side.

Love from a mother that will be.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. Andy Rooney

To my dearest little miracle,

I sometimes wonder what my mother looked like when she was young, and i often wonder what she looked like while i was still in her belly....  This is for you my little one.

Love from a mother that will be.

Ps - i am not one for photos, a terrible poser!

We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly.  But let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way. Gloria Gaither

Okay, so obviously i am not going to give it away, but... Here is a sneaky sneeky peek at our first baby name list (first and middle), we would LOVE your input and we would LOVE more suggestions! (Oh and FYI - no poking fun or bad mouthing!)

Boys

1. Hunter
2. Eamon
3. Harrison
4. Elliot
5. Oliver
6. Denver
7. Walter
8. Henry
9. Lewis
10. Callum
11. Lincoln
12. William
13. Dominic
14. Mason
15. George

Girls

1. Mahia
2. Mia
3. Grace
4. Leila
5. Olivia
6. Rose
7. Tabitha
8. Anne
9. Dawn
10. Georgiana

From our ancestors come our names, but from our virtues our honors. Proverb

Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today.  James Dean

To my dearest little miracle,

Sometimes i like to wonder what i will teach you in life, sometimes i sit back and i think about all the things i want to teach you and all the things that i may think i am teaching you, but really you are learning for yourself.

I know from my past, i know from growing up, that at times i hated my father, i hated his rules, i hated the way i was treated, and i hated that i "wasnt allowed" that i couldnt do things for myself, that i always got into trouble... There were times when i just wanted to scream, and there were times when i did scream, there were many times when i just really hated being "taught" about life...

But tonight as i sit here thinking of my youth, thinking of the rules, thinking of the times i really hated what i was going through, i think back and i know that it was done from love.  Without the rules, without the screaming, without the trouble, i wouldnt be who i am today, and i wouldnt have the same values i have today, and my miracle i wouldnt have the respect i now do for someone that gave me his all.

I know your father feels the same of his youth, and i know in our journey together to raise you that there will be times when you hate just me, times when you hate just your father, and times when you hate both of us just the same...

But i also know that one day you will look back on us and have respect, look back and know that everything we did we did out of pure love, and everything from 2009 until the day you leave our little nest, everything we did, we did for you.

There is also one thing that i want you to remember, that you need to know, no matter what your father and i tell you.  I want you to always hold onto the fact that there is something in life that can not be taught, one thing in life that is more important than anything else, one thing that will fill you with happiness, that will break you, yet something that will make you who you are, something that will define you.

Love.

The love from you parents, the love from your siblings, the love from you family, the love from your friends, and one day the love you find in your soul mate.... That my miracle is the most important lesson in life, the most important thing you should know, the one thing you should always hold onto.

Love from a mother that will be.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. Ralph Waldo Emerson

100 Days of IVF

150 Days of Hope

100 Days to go...

Today like many others on this journey is special. Today marks the day where there are but 1oo days left until we meet our little miracle george.

Once again i sit here in astonishment and wonder how i got so far, how one small idea has become so much to me, how one small idea could have lead to so many friends, so much support, and so much love and commitment for one small being.  I sit here and wonder why not in one million years why it never even crossed my mind that i might have such struggles, why i never imagined anything but a perfect life for myself.

And that leads me to say that i truly never expected this.  Three years ago when i walked down the isle to marry the man i always loved, i could have never expected to be here, to have been through what i have been through...

I never imagined that 250 days ago i would hurt from places so deep, experience pain so unfathomable it tears your heart in two, destroys everything about you, you have ever know to be you.

I never imagined that 150 days ago, when my wounds should have been healed, i would experience a type of limbo land that stole all my confidence, destroyed my hope and yet gave it back to me with so much more faith than i ever could have had, and all in a torturous 20 days.

And i  never, ever imagined that today i would be sitting here with a joy in my heart so great it brings me to tears each and every time i think about 100 days from now.  Never imagined that with one small kick, one single movement, a tiny being inside of me could create a feeling so strong that it runs through my veins to my heart and heals me from all the pain i went through to get to this point.

No one can anticipate what will happen over the next 100 days.  I know that i will be scared, i know that it will not be easy, but i know that no matter what i have hope.  I have faith and i have a love so great for and from people i know only from words that it makes me forget the past, and believe only in a future that is looked forward to with all of my heart and soul...

100 Days of IVF

150 Days of Hope

100 Days to go...

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches can not.  In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. Oscar Wilde

To my dearest little miracle,

I bought you and your aunt both a little present today, but i got a little excited and unwrapped yours and put it on my desk at work to give me the inspiration i need to get me through the next few months...

The first of the sayings really rung true to me, and i know that one day in your life, when you need it most, you may be able to look back on this and know that you are not alone in your struggles, no one is.

Hang in there...

You may not be able to see this right now but often our biggest hurts are our greatest learnings....

What may now seem like the end of the road is just the end of a chapter...

The lessons you have learned will make the rest of the story so much better than you could possibly imagine...

I did not write these words, but i understand each and everyone of them, and i know in my heart little miracle, that each of them are true.

Love from a mother that will be.

To my dearest little miracle,

Last night your father and i spent the evening together on the couch, and tears rolled down my cheeks...

I wasnt over emotional this time, i was overwhelmed by amazement from the show we were watching.  You see my little one we were watching a show on premature babies, babies that were being born at your age now.  Babies that were just 800grms, babies who's hands wernt much bigger than an adults finger...

These little ones were so precious, so tiny, so delicate and so reliant on machines it just broke my heart into one thousand pieces.  It hurt to realise that these babies are your size, and while it seems so big to be in my belly, it so small to be out, to early to be on their own...

It broke my heart to see the mothers spend every waking moment worried about their babies survival, it broke my heart to see the tears in the fathers eyes, and it broke my heart to see such precious little lives in little cribs, wired up to a hundred machines trying to save their lives.  It tore my heart in two to know that these mothers could not hold their miracles, could not cuddle them any moment they wanted to....

The tears kept coming...

At yet while the tears kept coming, and while it broke my heart, it also amazed me to know that doctors can help, that there is hope, there are always people to give us the hope that we need, always someone that God has put on this earth to provide assistance when we need it most.  That something can be done to save a helpless little life.  It constantly amazes me to know that with help from someone given the ability to create the science - a life can be created, and that such a small, innocent life can be saved once again through science.  It is both a miracle and a blessing that we have come so far that it is possible to help such innocence...

But no matter what happens, no matter how reassured i feel with the knowledge that there are people out there who can help us, no matter what happens each day - good or bad, I pray.  I pray each night before i go to sleep that you my miracle will be safe in my belly until September 8... And that such heart ache will not come our way...

Love from a mother that will be.

Life becomes precious and more special to us when we look for the little everyday miracles. Tim Hansel

To my dearest little miracle,

They tell me you can hear me now... I love the thought that you are in there listening to me and my day to day routines, but some days, very much like today, that really worry's me.

You see, this morning my little one, and if truly you can hear me then you would already know this, but my sweet i am embarrassed to say that i let my temper get the better of me.

Some times in life situations occur where people try to get the better of you, where you are told one thing when really another is the truth.  You will surely learn over your years that this will often make you upset, upset enough to loose your temper in a manner like i did this morning.  And before i go on i just want to let you know that i am sorry for loosing my cool, that if you heard me yelling, if my raising blood pressure put stress on you - i am sorry, and i make the promise now that i will try my hardest to let that happen again.

One day when you are a little bit older, when i am a little bit wiser, i will tell you the story of the day i lost my temper  over a phone plan.  I will tell you the story of the day when the poor indian lady at the other end of the line copped and earful, the day where the whole of my office heard me ask, no scream, for a manager four times, the day when a silly phone company made my blood boil, and i will tell you of the day when the 'team manager' sought out a 'customer relations manager' to solve my issue..... And that same day i tell you all this, i will also tell you that tonight i am no better off, that when push comes to shove, i am still with that same company, and i most likely will still be in years to come....

So my miracle, if i have leaned anything this morning it is that yelling and getting upset at someone else wont really get you anywhere but stressed and unwell, it will get you a manager and it will get a customer relations guy, and maybe it will get you a free phone... But it wont keep your anxiety away, and it wont make your day anymore pleasant, and it wont make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside the way making someone smile does.

One day my miracle, i will tell you that i much prefer to make people laugh, than to get what i want, and this morning i would have much rather stayed calm not placed the extra stress on us both, and most of all not let you have heard me yell so much...

Love from a mother that will be.

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.  ~Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne