I don’t often talk about my baby girl on chasing, not because she isn’t the centre of my life, but because she is the light of my life. Because chasing is where I write my woes and my girl – she could never be a woe to write about.

But yesterday, maybe it was the day before, I somewhat realised that while all this time I was wishing to have a mother daughter connection with her that I so miss with my own mother, I was actually building a very strong one.

Tuesday this week was the first time in a long time I have spent a full weekday away from her. A whole day where she was away from both mummy AND daddy. And as I walked in the door to grandmas I was greeted with a daughter racing into my arms screaming mummy mummy mummy!! Apparently she had been calling for me for some two hours.

I couldn’t even attempt to hide the joy in my heart. And I didn’t. And I won’t now. I was ecstatic. As exciting as grandmas is, as much as she looked forward to going and spending the day there, once the novelty wore off all she wanted was me – ME! Her mother. All these years I dreamt of that feeling, I know that feeling, I sometimes dream of running up to my mother and giving her that same wonderful loving hug. But receiving it from my daughter was something else.

At that moment I realised that all this time, while our day to day routine seemed boring and methodical, it was actually building our relationship. Setting in stone a bond for the years to come.

I have no idea what the future is to hold. No idea how our relationship will pan out in the future, but I know now with 100% certainty that I am a wonderful mother. That I have what it takes to bring up gods child in the right way. I know that my healing is making me just what that girl needs, and I know that with all the pain in this world that beautiful girl is going to be surrounded in her mothers (and fathers) love and that in itself will make her whole without suffering.

I know that once we are in the routine of me being away two days a week, that things will change. That my arriving to pick her up will not be such an event, however I now have this one moment in my heart forever, this memory and knowledge that while things haven’t been easy, she knows who I am – and I mean the world to her! And that, that is the feeling I have dreamed about for so long.

I once wrote that I wanted a girl, so i could have the mother daughter relationship I never had the chance to have, that dream is now reality. And I am so grateful that once again I cannot deny the existence of god. That everything that surrounds George, her creation her being, is just another reminder to me that god is real. That her life is no coincidence no joining of random events. Not scientifically proveable. She is a 100% miracle. She is 100% gods work. She is my proof that miracle can happen – we just need the courage to open our eyes and see them!

Yesterday I was gracefully reminded what it is to be a hypocrite and to perpetuate a situation that you personally dislike. To say one thing, then to do another – to act in a way that you personally have condemned. Yesterday among many things I realise that one of the life skills I must focus on is standing strong for myself, while still maintaining dignity and acting in a way that isn’t ungodly and to act in a way that forgives others for their own misjudgements just as I have been forgiven.

I have been learning that I lack many basic life skills and as such I have fallen into a deep depression simply (well not really simply however…) because I was never shown / I never learned certain skills as a teenager.

One of the bigger ones being to stand up for myslef. To show others in a respective manner that my opinion counts and that my thoughts are valid even if they do not coincide with yours.

And perhaps that is why I find comfort in my blog, because it is me – and because no one chooses to belittle me here…

That aside, yesterday I thought I had a win, no yesterday I did have a win – however as I shared my joy for the win on Facebook I was reminded by a friend that perhaps my win was a more selfish one, and that perhaps my actions had been somewhat hypocritical of the previous views I had shared.

And she was correct. The way I spoke was not just, and while I may have finally stood up against myself to a woman that has bullied me for the past 2.5 years I realised that I did it in the wrong manner. That while I must learn to stand up for myself – there is still a right way and a wrong way to go about it.

And I think the number one mistake I made was not that i fought back overly assertively, but that i choose to gloat in my win.

I am not that person.

And I don’t want to be that person.

I do not want to be the person who speaks against condemning people for their weight, then publicly condemns someone for their weight. I am not going to be that person.

I know that I must learn balance. That I must learn to stand strong each time I am bullied – that I must learn to stand up for myself in each situation then let it go. Rather than letting something go on for 2.5 years then breaking out the anger and frustration in one powerful knock down.

Yesterday I learned many things about myself, but most of all I learned that balance and modesty are the most important things to remember when standing up for yourself – for as my friend said “do not perpetuate a disliked situation, do not fall to the same level of being a bully because it makes you feel taller” (I summarised read the conversation here)

Stand up for yourself – but do it honourably.

Quite often my mind fills itself with ideas if what if. I know that I am not alone in this way of thinking and I know that for many if us we spend days weeks or perhaps just moments wondering about our past and asking that silly question of “what if?”

• What if my mother hadn’t died?
• What if I’d been told she was dying? What if I’d had the chance to say goodbye?
• What if my father hasn’t hidden himself in his work?
• What if I had been given the help I needed?
• What if I hadn’t been picked in at school?
• What if I had a more effective guidance councillor?
• What if I didn’t hide in my pain all those years?
• What if I didn’t go through IVF?
• What if I was skinnier? What if I looked different?
• What if…?

It could go on and on and on. I could spend hours just wondering how my life would be different if just one or two things had been different. I could let myslef so easily fall into that trap of imagining a future based on a past event that I didn’t want to happen. We all can. And I know now that is where this depression stems from. That this is why I have fallen into a downward spiral of sadness.

Simply because I am allowing myslef to think about a life that will never happen. Because I was constantly letting myslef think about and live in the past. Letting myslef live almost in regret, thinking that if one simple thing was changed my life would be different.

What I am finally grasping is that my life isn’t meant to be any different. God created my life and directs my life just as it should be, and I need to remember that.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

My life doesn’t need to be any different. I am who I am for a reason. I may have been on a journey for the past 18 years that seems pointless to me, I may sometimes wonder if a large part of my life has been wasted in depression, but I also know, and I must also remember to take the time to remind myslef constantly that without that journey I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I know that I can’t sit here and say what if. I can’t change the past, so I must certainly not let myslef dream of a future based on something that can’t be changed.

I accept that perhaps my life would have been different if certain things didn’t happen, but perhaps without those things I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Nor would I appreciate the things that I have.

I am who I am. I look how I look. And it is my past that has made me who I am and what I am to become and achieve in my life.

I refuse to let myself live in “what if” anymore. I can’t let myself think about a false future. And there is a great lesson to be learned from that – that letting ourselves believe that a different past would make our lives any better is just another avenue to letting depression win. To letting negativity take over.

Always remember that you are who you are. That your past is yours to learn from not to dwell over. That you are the best version of yourself because of your experiences – and that makes you stronger and wiser than the others not his earth who have never suffered.