Day 497 in my miracles life
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Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. Chinese Proverb
Day 82 in my miracles life
My life is cycling…
One year ago i was lost, i was searching for who i am, for happiness, for something to pull me out of my dark hole… I was scared and i felt alone…
And while now my heart is full and content, it seems that some days i still sit searching for answers…
I search for the answers in the words i wrote one year ago today, but it seems that the answers are never there, only emotions… Very familiar emotions… Emotions that i cannot control, emotions that i know all too well will pass in time….
Undoubtedly i am happy, the second i feel sad, the second i feel like it is all getting too much, in the moments i hate my husband, in the moments the pains i am suffering get too much, i turn to my Jennifer and i know that i am in love, and that i am happy.
But sometimes i sit here and believe that my life has cycled, that our emotions are simply a cycle, that while the future always holds hope and happiness, the present sometimes seems only to be full of hopelessness and despair, pain and longing, a desire to find our true selves and a place in this topsy turvy world….
One year ago today i thought that being me would come when my miracle came, but a year later i am learning that to find myself, i need to accept myself, have confidence in myself, i have learned that being me means changing every moment of every day of every year, and i have learned that being me means that this time next year, i will be feeling just as lost in this big world of uncertainty…
Because life is a cycle….
It goes round and round and round….
And because of that, happiness is what you make of it…
Your own happiness is today – not the tomorrows we may never live…
Day 79 in my miracles life
I know in my heart i may seem selfish, and i know in my mind that i shouldnt feel this way, but truth be told i do…. I really do…
I really do wish my body was whole and healthy. I wish that my body would give back to me what i do for it.
There are people in this world that smoke, there are people in this world that do all kinds of drugs, there are people in this world that take knives to themselves, and there are people in this world that eat what they want when they want, and dont move an inch….
Yet their bodies are in ‘seemingly perfect’ health…. They dont experience pain, they dont experience side effects, they dont go through what a lot of ‘healthy’ people in this world suffer through, they dont have to face the pain that some people who treat their bodies with the up most respect go through…
And i have to ask – why?
I honestly thought that when i had my child, when i conquered my infertility that my body would begin to behave, that i could go back to being me, that my hormones & my imperfections wouldnt rule my world anymore…
I was wrong, so very very wrong.
It seems my poly cystic ovaries are here to stay, and they are here to create turmoil in a world that really doesnt need any more drama.
And i have had enough! I dont want to feel like an adult trapped in a teenagers body anymore…
My hormones are all over the place, my mind is confused, i have what seems like incurable acne, i have irregular and constant bleeding, and worst of all, of late, the pain has come back…
Yes i have Poly cystic ovaries… And yes i should ‘be used to this’… But i am nearing 30 and i honestly dont want to anymore. I dont want my body to do this to me anymore!
Many people have it worse than me, many people suffer and hurt much more than me, and i know that many people do not have the blessings i have…
But that still doesnt help me from being able to control my moods, it doesnt help me in controlling the pain, it doesnt help me to feel more like me…
I just wish there was a solution, for me, for the people i love going through this as well, a sense of ‘fair’ for those that treat their bodies with respect….
I know i sound self centered, and i know i have more than i could have ever wanted in life… But this pain, this confusion, this constant ‘mood’ hanging over my life…
It is just insane!
Day 77 in my miracles life
Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what’s to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn’t have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves… for growing up. The Wonder Years
Day 75 in my miracles life
There are two days in my life that i dont want to remember, yet that i never want to let go of… Two days that i know i will hold in my heart for a very long time.
September 21 1994 – I dont remember what i was wearing or how i was feeling, or where i was…. But i remember the weather, i remember the clouds, i remember the light rain mixing with the tears on my face and i remember looking out the car window with my sister by my side both of us staring at something we had never seen before…. A double rainbow – a phenomenon to us, a sign telling us that while we both felt so alone, so scared, so broken – we were not. Now each time we see a double rainbow, we both know that we are not alone. I will never forget that, i have forgotten most of the gut wrenching pain and sadness caused by that day, that date, that moment, but i have never forgotten the rainbow…
August 25 2010 – Nearly 16 years later came a second day that is so special to me, yet so painful as well. I will never forget how much this day means to me, and while i promised myself i would never write about the pain it caused me, i feel that maybe i am not alone, maybe by expressing my emotions i will be able to forget them, and hold onto only double rainbow of the day…?
I know csections happen a lot, i know that i am not the only one to go through this, but there is a part of me that feels like i missed out on something, a part of me that feels like a ‘right of passage’ was taken from part of my journey… Maybe i am crazy, maybe even delusional, but i cant help how i feel can i?
I dont want to seem selfish and i dont want to take away from the pain that i know a lot of woman suffer through to fall pregnant, but i want to be honest, so i have to say that in my life time, while the end of the procedure was the best moment of my life time, the moments before i meet my jennifer, the moments of the csection and the moments in the hospital during my recovery were in fact some of the worst moments i had experienced for a very long time, moments that i would rather not remember.
I didnt realise that i would still hear them cutting my flesh open, i didnt realise that i would still feel them ‘rummaging’ around inside of me, i didnt realise that maybe i wouldnt get to hold my little miracle for a few hours… I didnt realise that i would be laying on a cold table scared and uncontrollably shaking wanting nothing more than my husband to hold me and tell me i would be ok, i didnt realise that i would feel sick, that i would feel faint, that i would hear them counting the tools they were removing from my body, i didnt realise that there would be sucking noises, scraping noises, and the noise that haunts my dreams the most – the cutting noises… I want to remove these memories from my mind, but i cant… I wake up in cold sweats in the middle of the night nauseous from the thought of my flesh being cut, sick about lying there helpless listening to people inside of me, feeling violated for some reason… Humiliated even….
I wish i remembered...
I want nothing more than to remember the rainbow, i sit here for hours looking at the photos of Jennifers first hours, staring at her now in her rocker, wanting to remember holding her for the first time, dying to remember the first time i looked into her beautiful eyes, dying to remember our first snuggle chest to chest – skin to skin… but i cant. I cant because all i remember is the pain, all i remember is the blood bag, the catheter, the family standing around starring at me naked in a pool of my own blood and filth when i asked them not to come… All i remember is the pain, the cutting noises… The inability to be able to feed her… All i remember is the humiliation of watching my family play pass the parcel with my new daughter and my inability to be able to change her first nappy, or to hold her myself, my inability to even get out of bed….
I want nothing more than for these memories to stop haunting me, i want nothing more than to sit here look at those images and feel happiness, i want nothing more that to dream of a rainbow and nothing more than to be able to write about the best day of my life…. But to do that i need to get rid of the hurt and humiliation, get rid of the memories that are hunting me…
Im just not sure how to…
Day 72 in my miracles life
Hi my name is Cheryl & i am a latte-a-holic….
Lately i have had my cranky pants on…. I am tired and i have lost my mojo, i have lost my self confidence, i have lost my passion for who i am….
I love being a mother, i love my daughter, and yup even though he gives me the irrates i love my husband… BUT sometimes its just too much, sometimes 5 hours sleep just isnt enough to get you through, sometimes the smiles arnt enough to conquer the screams…
So lately i have done what any sane woman would do to get her through… I have turned to the magical beans sent from the gods…. I have become addicted to the Masai triple shot skinny latte – three shots of wonderious juice sent from above that instantly makes you feel like a queen, instantly turns you grey skies morning into a sunshine day….. Ummm so do i have a problem?
And does it matter?
And i wonder will there come a time when 3 shots no longer gives me the satisfaction that it does now? Will there come a time when the 500mls of espresso and milk no longer fills me up and suppresses my appetite? And heaven forbid – will there ever come a time when i no longer feel like a latte?
Day 70 in my miracles life
If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. Claudia Ghandi
Day 68 in my miracles life
11 years ago i was a teenager trying to figure out who i was, there were days where i felt trapped and scared and there were days where i wasnt sure where i was going or where things were headed, days where confusion overcame me and my soul felt like it was trapped in a body that didnt know quite how to express its self.
5 years ago i was a young adult trying once again to figure out who i was and where i fit into the world, searching for something that would give me inspiration and peace within, searching for love, laughter and the endless want of ‘happily ever after’
3 years ago i thought i had the world in my palms, i thought that finally i knew who i was and where i fit into this world, my soul was in love, content and just as it should be.
But 2 years ago, my soul was changed forever, and today i am left searching to find myself and my place in this world once again.
Infertility takes away a part of your soul that you can never get back, it changes who you are, and takes the confidence you spent the better part of your younger life finding…. And now that i have been blessed to overcome my infertility and to hold my precious miracle child in my arms i am still left searching for the place in this world where i fit.
Life changes us, it changes our souls. I once thought that once we found our ‘spot’ in this world, once we finally realised who we are, once we got past our teenage years of tormented souls, i thought that it would be easy, that we would know who we were and that we would never have to search for our confidence or try to find our place in this world once again…
But i was wrong.
Infertility has changed my soul, pregnancy has changed my soul, and being a mother has changed my place in this world, it has changed who i am, and it has changed the confidence i have in myself.
I am slowly realising that everything in life changes our souls, i am slowly realising that each day, each new event, everything we go through is a chance to rediscover ourselves, and a chance for change – hopefully for the better….
Day 65 in my miracles life
I learned something last night….
I learned that sometimes technology as awesome as it is, sometimes cant really help you, sometimes it is more of a burden than a blessing, and i learned that sometimes, just as many people have told me before, sometimes you just need to have a little faith and put your trust in the Lord & yourself…
You see, last night was the second night my little miracle slept in her own room…
It was the hardest most pondered on decision of my life. Ok so maybe not as hard as the decision to do IVF, hmm and maybe not as hard as the decision to put one or two embies back in… But it was hard!
I have spent the past few weeks debating whether it was time or not, and having an internal debate about baby monitors, thoughts and ideas swirling round my head, horror stories creeping into my dreams, yet at the same time dreams of a full nights sleep, and dreams that one day soon my husband and i can be more like partners rather than friends…
I wanted to do this right, i wanted to make sure i didnt desert my little one, and leave her in her own room for something dreadful to happen…. Because like every new parent, and maybe a little more because of what we have been through, i am so scared that something is going to happen, scared that my miracle will be taken away from me, and with all that they tell you with all the new information out there on SIDS, i wanted to make sure i was doing this right.
So i bought a monitor with sensor pads.
And for me, it didnt work…
The technology worked, but the fears were still there, the technology did not take my fears away, it did not help me get through the night without checking on my daughter a thousand times, the technology did not help me through the night without worrying that something was wrong, without thinking that the worst was to happen…
So i took it back.
Yup i took the fancy pants monitor back to the shop, and last night my daughter slept unasisted in her own room… Still in the basanett – but none the less, in her own room.
And guess what?
We made it, both of us.
Now tonight is another night, tomorrow is another day, but today i feel ok about it. I am starting to believe that she will be ok in her own room, that after nine long months inside me and after nine short weeks by my side i am ready to close my eye of a night and know that she will be ok.
Maybe it seems a little dramatic, all this fuss over moving her 6 meters away (no seriously its about 6 meters) but after all that we went through, and through all the pain that will forever remain in my heart…. This is huge.
And from this experience i will know in my heart for the rest of my life that technology in all its glory, will never take away the fears we hold onto, that fear is something that we have to pass on, something we have to overcome in our own time and in our own ways.
Day 63 in my miracles life
The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable. Paul Tillich
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