Day 53 in my miracles life

I used to love birthdays, i used to get so excited, i used to anticipate the day with baited breath and look forward to whatever exciting adventures i had planned for the day….

When i was a little girl i can remember waking up on my birthday morning to the smell of breakfast cooking, and be greeted in the kitchen by the most unbelieveable stack of presents – and my mom…

I remember the parties and the cakes, oh how i remember the wonderful cakes my mom used to spend hours making just perfect for me, and i remember just how loved i used to feel on my birthday…

But then i grew up…

Now there is no birthday morning breakfast, no presents, and of course no mom…  Over the past ten years i have learned through many bitter birthday disappointments, that birthdays are just another day, they are just another 24 hours of your life….

As the years pass by, and as the numbers become higher and higher i slowly begin to realise that never again will i feel as special as i did.  And this year in particular i have finally realised that that is ok, that i dont need any fuss, that i dont need anything to be excited about, i have finally reaslied that i dont really need a birthday anymore…

Because now i have someone else birthday to anticipate, i have someone else birthday to look forward to with baited breath, i have someone else that i need to think about….

I cant wait to get up early on August 25 each year and make someones favorite breakfast, i cant wait to put the presents on the kitchen table, i cant wait to throw birthday parties, i cant wait to spend hours cooking and preparing the perfect birthday cake, and i cant wait to be the one to wake up my precious daughter and scream ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ and tell her just how much her birthday means to me, just how much August 25 will always mean to me….

I cant wait to see my precious little lady count down the days until August 25, just as i counted down the days just two short months ago…

Day 51 in my miracles life

All too often people assume they know who you are, and what you want in life and they assume the answer to a question that may never even really have been asked.  And it seems of late that the answer to a question that no one really ever asked me until now isnt what people expected of me and my husband, and it is making me doubt the family life i had always expected i would have, making me doubt the discussions my husband and i made long before we were even married.

Last year was a struggle for me, this year was a struggle for me, falling pregnant and being pregnant was the HARDEST thing i have ever done in my life.  I spent days and days crying, hurting, feeling abandoned by God, wishing my life wasnt my life, days hating my husband for no good reason, being sent round and round on an emotional roller coaster ride…

And i say without a doubt that it was worth it, but i know in my heart that i dont want to go through that again….  I know in my heart of hearts that one child, one precious little miracle is enough for me….

But it seems that a decision that my husband and i made quite some time ago, a decision that really even came about before the heartache that was 2009, is surprising people…. It seems that now that we have one child quite a few people believe that we should be having more, quite a few people have questioned my decision to go back on the pill, given me a perplexed look when i have mentioned it…

In my heart i know that my decision is what i want, i know that i dont want anymore children, i never did – i only ever wanted one precious little baby girl…. But now along with people questioning me, they are also questioning my husbands decision, people seem to believe that this may not be what he wants, not what he wanted all along, and in turn this is making me question the decisions my husband and i made so long ago… And because of these questions now i am scared that i have made my mind up for the both of us, i am scared that i am doing something that my husband doesnt want, i am scared he is just agreeing with me because it is what i want….

There are so many thoughts running through my head, and each time i doubt myself i look into the eyes of my baby girl and i know that i cant do it again, i know that this is enough for me, my heart is full…. But i dont know about my husband, and to be honest each time i go to ask him i freeze – scared that he will say that one child isnt enough, scared that i will have to go through so much pain, so much turmoil once again, scared that if my husband wants what i dont i wont know how to handle myself and make the decision that is right for the both of us….

Scared that i would make a very selfish decision for the both of us…. For the three of us….

Day 47 in my miracles life

Is the way we see ourselves the way our children see themselves?

Do our children see themselves in us, and therefore see our flaws as their flaws?

And is our own self loathing a negative influence on our children?

If we love our children with all our hearts, if we show them nothing but a loving home, if we encourage them to be all that we believe they can be…. Yet still feel inside that we ourselves are not ‘good’ enough…  Then are we just being hypocritical?  Will our children see past our words and therefore not believe in themselves because we dont have the confidence to believe in ourselves?

I love my daughter with everything i have inside of me.  I already have the most amazing love for her, so much so that i almost feel like it just came out of nowhere, and i truly believe that she is the most perfect creature on this earth – no matter how many people tell her that they can ‘fix’ this or that about her… But i worry that my own negative body image issues, i worry that my own self loathing issues will create struggles in the future for my beautiful daughter… And i think now is the time to make sure that this never happens, that i can do what i need to do to ensure that my daughter never has to feel the way i feel about myself some days.

Some days i wonder if i had had a mother growing up if i would feel as i do about myself now, i wonder some days that if i had a mother who told me i was beautiful, if there was someone in my life who encouraged me to love me for me, if i would be as self loathing and doubting as i am…. But then i wonder if mothers even do that?  Do they tell their daughters that they are beautiful?  Do they teach their daughters that they should love themselves for who they are and for the features that God has given them?

How will i know if i am ‘over doing it’ when it comes to telling my daughter she is the most perfect creature on this earth?

How do i know what is right and what is wrong? How do i know that my issues wont become my daughters issues?

I feel like i’ve never had a mother, so how will i know if i am a good mother, if i am making the right choices, if i am saying the right words, if everything i am doing is always only in the best interest of my child…

How do i know?

Day 44 in my miracles life

There are so many awards for so many things these days, so many people getting recognized for things they have done in their lifetime that have made the world a better place, most of the time none of which make me feel any different, most of the time when i see these prizes being handed out i shrug and say ‘eh, didnt make my life a better place’ Maybe somewhere in the world someone is better off but most of the time – not me…  Most of the time i just shrug my shoulders at these awards, and continue on with my day.

But this week, someone did get an award that finally i cared about, someone got a Nobel Prize who couldnt have deserved it more, someone who changed my life for the better, someone who i will never meet, but someone who without them my life would be miserable, many peoples lives would be miserable, and without this person hope would have no meaning, and my pain would still run as deep as it did the days i spent struggling to fall pregnant naturally…

This week Dr Robert Edwards won a Nobel Prize for his work and research on IVF… 32 years ago he created history, and without even knowing it he was to change the lives of millions of families all over the world.  Before i was even born he changed my life, he made it possible for my happiness, he made it possible for women all over the world to realise their dreams of becoming mothers – this man is a hero in my eyes.

Without this man, i wouldnt be where i am today and that honestly brings me to tears.  I sit here knowing that if one man hadnt said ‘i can’ or ‘we can’ if he hadnt persevered, if countless failed attempts hadnt turned into that one successful attempt…. Then i know for a fact that i wouldnt have half the happiness as i do right now, i know that love just would not have the same meaning as it does to me today, and i know that my heart wouldnt be as full as it is every time i look into the eyes of my beautiful IVF baby girl…

And one day when the time is right i will look into my daughters eyes i will say…

“Once upon a time there was a man that i never meet, this man was my hero, and this man changed my world in a way that you will never fully understand… Once upon a time there was a man named Dr Robert Edwards…”