Have you ever wondered if your physical self is a representation of your mental self?

I wonder out loud as i feel that because my mind is spiraling out of control, my body is too.

I do everything right both mentally and physically and yet, yet i am still sitting here wondering why i am not whole, scared that if i go and see someone they will give me no hope, that i will waste my time trying to find answers that do not exist.

And if in part it is true that my physical self is not well because my mental self is hurting, then how – HOW do i fix my mind?

It’s almost been a year now since i realised i was depressed – 9 months in fact since i have been diagnosed with post natal depression, and yet it feels like no matter how hard i try – no matter how many good days there are, there is always an extreme bad day which takes my pain to a new level.

And i am left here wondering why after all i have been through, after all the mental and physical strength and courage i had to have my baby, why now, why two years after her birth am i becoming sicker and sicker.  And what is it in my mind that simply just cant get over it?

So many times i have been told that i have to change my way of thinking, that to make life better you have to simply look at things in a different perspective – and i am trying, my Lord am i trying.  But lately since it has not only been my mind, but my body as well i am starting to wonder what the point is.

I am trying with all my might to over come 18 years of suppressed hurt – 18 YEARS! & on some days, days like today, while my mind frame is ok, but while my body is hurting in ways i simply can not explain, i wonder how on earth i am going to fix this.

How do i fix this?

Day 601 in my miracles life

It has been some time since i have put onto paper how i feel inside.

And quite frankly while i have missed it, i know that in part i am a better person for not sharing myself with the world.  But there is a piece of me that needs to express my emotions, a need to tell someone out there how i am feeling.

I hope those i love understand why i put my words to paper, and i hope that those i love know that i am ok, at the end of the day when i head to bed, i am ok.

Some days there is a part of me that emerges that isnt who i am.  And it is on those days that i truly scare myself.

I dont know what it is, and i dont quite know how to overcome it, all i know is that there is a sadness inside of me that i can not let go.  I want to let it go with all my heart, i want everything that happened to me be a part of my past, but some days, some days i just cant get over it.  No matter how blessed i am i can not accept what i have been through in my lifetime.

I was coping, i was coping until my routine was shaken up… I even thought i was doing ok, that i was healing.

I need a change, i need security, i need routine back in my life.  I need a coping mechanism.