Day 248 in my miracles life

It is 9pm and i am sitting in my bathroom in the dark, alone.  I have tears in my eyes.  I have just finished watching Julie & Julia.  I have watched the movie a hundred times before and it seems that of those 100 times just one scene sticks in my mind, and maybe tonight was just not the night for that scene.

I am sitting here in the dark being reminded that it still hurts, that this curse is a burden i will carry until the day i die.  I dont know what it is i dont know why i still feel this way, and i surely dont know why i still let it hurt me so, but for some reason deep inside it still hurts, i still sit here in the dark, on the floor with tears in my eyes when i am reminded of the pain i went through to fall pregnant.

Its not fair.

I dont know why its still not fair, but its not fair.

When i hear about strangers falling pregnant, for some godforsaken reason it still hurts.

When i think about babies, about people having babies, about people having many babies, for some godforsaken reason it still hurts.

And when people still ask me when we are having more, why i have said we are not having anymore… For some godforsaken reason -  it takes everything inside of me to keep it together…

Maybe that is why i am not together.

Maybe that is why it is 9pm on a saturday evening and im sitting here, on the cold tiles, with tears in my eyes.

It shouldnt hurt.

I shouldnt be sad.

It should be in the past.

These emotions should be well gone.

They should be gone,

And i should be happy.

But instead i am angry.

And i am hurting.

Infertility is a curse, an incurable curse… Its your body failing you and your mind tricking you. Infertility takes away a peice of your soul and it haunts you…

When you think you have overcome it, when your heart is filled with so much love that it actually hurts, when you have everything you could have ever dreamed -  your past pops up, you are reminded of what you went through to get to where you are, you are shown what may have been, that others arnt as lucky as you were, and it haunts you….

It is the last day of infertility awareness week.…  I dont think half the people i know really understand how painful infertility was or is – past and present – before or after – in 2009 or today in 2011… And often when a stranger stops to talk about your child, your experiences, your past, and your childs present, often they cant help but to notice the tear that rolls down your cheek… But they never ask….

Day 247 in my miracles life

To my dearest little miracle,

I want to tell you a secret…  I want to tell you about the lady who gave you your hair.

Two years ago, the year that was 2009, the year that i learned so very much in life, the year that made me who i am today, the year that i searched for you with all that was inside of me, the year that i thought i couldnt go on, the year that i thought i had lost my hope and faith in god, the year that changed me forever – that was the year that i found out there was someone out there who cared so much for me, for us, that they spent each night saying a prayer, believing that no matter what god would answer that prayer…

My miracle, while many people hoped for you, there was one woman who said to me that she knew you were coming, one soul that told me i just had to be patient, one soul that gave me a hug and told me that it would be ok… That woman was your great grandmother, that woman was the lady who gave you your hair.

I wish there was a way to take you back in time to meet the woman that i knew to be my grandma, i wish there was a way you could see through my eyes the wonderful memories i have of my grandmother – your great grandmother, not only of the times two years ago that she held my hand in church as i cried & told me it was ok, but of the times she took me in and let me sleep in her sofa bed when i was a teenager – when she waited for me to come home after my midnight shift just to make me drink a hot cup of milk before i went to bed, the times she took me out to lunch as a little girl only to have me say ‘i want grilled cheese sandwhiches’…

I sit here wishing that there was a way you could have meet your great grandmother in a better time, in a time when she would have been able to get to know you, hold you, been able to tell you just what a miracle you really are, in a time when you would have remembered..

But i guess my little one that is why we have memories and why i will always, always have stories to tell you of the lady who gave you your hair…

With all the love that is in my heart,

Love from a mother that is.