Day 171 in my miracles life

Life is a puzzle to me, there are so many things that make me so happy, i wake in the morning and most days – like today – my precious little  babe just looks up at me and smiles for no other reason than because i entered the room, but sometimes the days are filled with the smallest of things, the simplest of things that really get under your skin – know what i mean?

The little things that just really give you the irrates when they happen…

Like when it is so hot that the sweat beads on your upper lip

like when the gym is late to open

When my husband leaves skid marks on the toilet, actually i also hate that he leaves the seat up ALL the time – as does his son

And when you wake up tired even when you thought you had a good nights sleep

When people – old ladies in particular – come over to you in the store and tell you that your baby needs to be wearing socks, or that her feet are cold when they are not… I do know when my babies feet need covering and when she is content without socks on…

It really irritates me that you have to look at yourself when you do a workout, why is it that they put mirrors in front of you?

When i get distracted when cooking and end up burning it!

It REALLY gives me the irrates when the fuel light goes on but you really cant be bothered to fill up… How much further DO you have when the light goes on anyway?

And when people say things like “I feel your pain” or “I totally understand” when they have no idea what you are going through, when they have never them selves experienced the type of pain you are dealing with

Or the most irritating thing of all that just keeps happening to me…

When you go to do something but for the life of you you cant remember what it is you were going to do!

Day 165 in my miracles life

I wish i had more words, but i dont.

I miss my mum.

More and more each day i miss my mum.

Day 164 in my miracles life

Some days i sit in awe of how quickly my little girl is growing up, it seems like just yesterday she was coming home from the hospital so tiny and fragile… And yet, some days i sit watching huggies ads so excited for the years to come, just so anxious to see my lady crawl, and walk, and just dying to hear her first words, just wanting to know what she will be like, what she will love, and what she will hate…

Honestly even though some days i sit here wishing that my mind was more stimulated or that maybe i had bigger challenges in my life than changing a pooey nappy, i have never been more excited about the future than now, i have never had as much to look forward in my life than i do right at this point, everything is just as it should be, everything is perfect….

It has been six months now and while life of a mother is certainly growing on me and becoming more of who i am, i am still in awe of just how much one tiny little human being can make you feel alive, just how much a tiny little human can make you fall in love, and just how much a tiny little human can make you look forward to the future, more so than anything else…

Day 160 in my miracles life

I was about to write a post about the things i really hate (ill post that one on another occasion) when i realised that something happened on the weekend and this morning that really got me thinking.

Why is it that opposites attract?  And do you think you need to have anything in common with your partner for it to really work?

The reason i write this is because over the weekend my husband and i went for a trip up to the coast, and while we chatted i brought up something that had been close to my heart for a while – nothing between him and i, just something personal, and well my husband didnt quite know how to respond so we diverted the conversation to something different.

For those of you who know me a little bit better, you would know that through out my lifetime i have been through many life changing events, i have been through many painful situations that you wouldnt wish on anyone else, my heart has been broken and i have survived through what even i would consider a lot.  These things they change you, they make you understand things in life a little better, and quite honestly they make you appreciate things that sometimes i dont believe others can appreciate just as much – and i know that those of you who have been through infertility would clearly understand what i am talking about.

The difference between my husband and i is that sometimes i feel that he cant quite understand what it is like to be in pain, or if he does he doesnt know how to show it, or to show his compassion for a situation.  I grew up blessed, i had a mother, a father, a sister, a loving family – we travelled the world, we had everything we needed, we never suffered, we never went without… But that all changed when i was 10, when my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  I watched my mother get sicker and sicker no one actually letting me know that she was dieing until when i was just one month out from being 12 years old, she just died.  From that moment on life was different, my dad wasnt the same man, my sister had to instantly grow up, i had to change my priorities, and while everyone helped and while life went on, and while the pain eased up – it still changed who i was… If my mum was alive today i know i would be a different person.

The truth is if you havent been through that sort of pain then you can never understand, and that is what scares me with my relationship with my husband, from the outside looking in he has never been through that sort of pain, from the outside looking in i see a happy family, i see a family who has had so many blessings, a family that is together and a family that is strong, a family that has grown up together, without going without, and without death and suffering.  And while i dont talk about it often with my husband, when i do begin to talk about my mother or the death of my mother, he closes up, shuts me out and i am left wondering if i cant talk to my husband about these things – who do i talk to?  And is it that the topic scares him, or is it just that he is not sure how to react, how to talk about death?

I have been with my husband for some ten years now, but after ten years of not really talking about it, after hiding my pain in a cupboard for as long, and after learning through infertility that sometimes pain shared is pain halved, the death of my mother is something i really want to be able to talk to the man i love about, but how do i make the topic easier for him to approach, easier for him to be able to talk about with me, easier for me to be able to bring up with out being scared that the topic is going to be dismissed or pushed aside?  Is there anyway to help someone understand just how deep the pain flows, just how much a simple gesture of an open heart and ears could mean?

Or many i am being selfish to think that i should burden my husband with my pain?

Day 158 in my miracles life

I never imagined time to pass so quickly, this morning as i woke as i looked into the crib of my little one, as i starred at her beautiful sleeping face i realised that in just a week she will be six months old.

Where did it go?

I can still remember like it was yesterday the anxiousness of the waiting game i played in limbo land, i can still remember like it was yesterday the heart ache and pain i suffered through just waiting to find out if i was pregnant or not, ready to throw it all away because it was all too much. I can remember that story just like it was yesterday, and yet while it still seems so painful i got through it and while it is still so fresh in my mind i am sitting here and it has been six wonderful months with a miracle baby we never thought we would hold.

I honestly never imagined i would get this far, i could never see to this point in my life, i could never dream of the day i was sitting at my kitchen table listening to a little baby gurggle and goo in a room just metres away from me – i could never have imagined something so perfect.

Its been 158 days since i gave birth to the miracle that changed my life, and the scary part is at 158 days pregnant the little life inside of me gave me a scare, made me realise how important she was to me, and just how much i honestly dreamed of the day i could hold her in my arms.

Through all that i have been through – the infertility, the uncertainty of the pregnancy, the birth that left me with nightmares, through my sadness and self uncertainty, through all that my marriage has been through – i never imagined just looking into a cot each morning, or being woken by gooing and gaggaling, i never imagined anything to be so perfect, when i look at what i have now i know that nothing else matters…

Simply because i never imagined to be so lucky in love with the baby girl of my dreams.

Day 154 in my miracles life

I am very blessed.  Period.  Yes i struggled to get to where i am today, but ultimately i am undeniably blessed.  I have been reading a lot of my online friends discussions and even some of my ‘real life’ friends have been talking about going back to work, i knew i would have to think about it one day and i knew that i would have to one day realise that money doesnt grow on trees (why not god dam it?) and that means i one day will have to go back to work, but i never thought that i might actaully want to go back to work, and i never really thought i would be thinking about it so soon.

Lately i have been thinking about work, thinking about calling my boss to arrange what may or may not be possible for my return, and thinking so much about if it is really what i want to do or if it is something i have to do.  And i am honestly not sure.

A part of me wants to go back to work for the interaction and routine, for a sense of accomplishment each day, for my own metal state, and of course for some much needed cash (bloomin floods upping the price of vegetables! Who pays $7.00 for a cauliflower? Well i do because it is on the vegetable yes list!) But another part of me is scared – so scared to leave my little miracle in someone elses care.

To give you an idea, i really struggle leaving george even with my husband for an hour when i go to the gym, how on earth would i cope for a whole day? A WHOLE DAY?  Now i know that there will come a point where i do not have a choice and i must go back to work, but in my mind i am thinking that if i can go back just a little each week, if i can just get a little extra cash each week, then the savings that we have MAY be able to last until my little one is ready to go to school… Therefore i would, in the long term, be able to spent more time with george – rather than spending six more months with no work and having to go back full time as we would have no money left….

I dont know!

I know i am blessed because i have already had six months with my little one, but weeellll she is just getting a real personality, she is just learning to roll and sit, and i cant imagine the pain i would feel if my mother in law rang me and said that she learned to walk while i was away working…

Oh what to do, what to do, what on earth to do?!?!?