“I am an open book, these are my pages, they will be read, but kept untold, as i do not want my pain to be your pain, i want only my happiness to be your happiness.”

I have always been an open book, i like to talk, and yes i like to talk ALOT.  If someone or something annoys me, i’ll tell you about it.  If i’m angry ill stand up in the middle of the office and tell all the staff about it, and if something excites me my gosh ill stand in front of the world, do a ridiculous dance and scream out at the top of my lungs so that everyone knows just how i feel.

So you can imagine the dilemmas i am having keeping my IVF and baby business to myself…!

At the beginning of the year after our first gyno appointment, even through the excitement that there was actually hope for us, we decided to keep it to ourselves.  We told both sets of parents, and i told my best friend at work – purely so that someone new why i was going crazy, and plus i needed good advise. But as i caught up with friends, and as my first two week wait came closer, i became more and more excited – so i told!

As the months progressed more and more people found out, and it got to the point where i was having so many doctors appointments and was ducking out of the office so much, losing concentration and slipping up time and time again, that i had to go in and tell my boss. Basically that’s when the whole office found out, and i think that’s when i decided not to be bothered about keeping any secrets, if someone asked me how i was i told them the truth.

The more we progressed along with the IUI’s i found it increasingly harder to let people know that it didnt work as it seemed to make me more upset.

After four failed IUI’s, it was time, time to move on to the big guns, IVF.  So August 2009 we began our first cycle, and i told EVERYONE.  I told people when i had to give myself the needles, i told everyone how my overies hurt, i told everyone about the egg pick up, i told everyone about everything! Then came the ten day wait, the most painful wait of my whole entire life, so many emotions PLUS so many people asking me when i would find out, when they would kow the outcome of this month long process that i had told them every little detail about…

D-Day, blood test day – Friday 4th September 2009, 10.30am, the call came, two of my girls stood by me as i recieved the phone call, i progressed outside, they followed – they looked like they were about to expolde!  Then it came -YES i was pregnant! OMG i gave them the thumbs up – they ran inside and told everyone, everyone came outside – there were hugs there were kisses, I felt like i had won the lottery! I rang everyone, texted everyone else, OMG OMG OMG – it worked!

September 7th – second blood test, your not pregnant, hormone level had dropped significantly.  NUMB.  For about an hour, then i told, as soon as i told, as soon as i said it out loud, that was it, the tears didnot stop, how do i tell people im not pregnant, how could this be? The whole office was in tears like someone had died, which made it worse, oh how it made it so much worse, these people they love me so much, they are crying for me, hurting for me… and i cried, i cried, i cried… i didnt know that i could cry so hard for so long. I wanted my mum, i wanted to die, i wanted to throw the towel in, crawl under a rock and just disapear.

SIGH – i was a mess, and everyone knew it.  And because everyone knew, they were sympathetic, and because they were sympathetic i got worse, i cried at work, i cried at home, i told my dad i was ‘just miserable’ i couldn’t snap out of it, and i really think it was because everyone knew just what i was going through.  I was ready to give up, i had given up, i had canceled all my appointments, and told my husband that that was it, i couldn’t do it again, i was to devastated and it was all too hard.

So as the days moved on and i got slightly more depresed about everything, as i begun seeing babies everywhere and becoming more and more envious of pregnant people, i realised that i couldnt give up now, i want this more than anything i had ever wanted, and i realised that this was the only thing that was going to make me happy again.

On September 15th (ish) i had a good D&M with my husband and we decieded to do it again, and on that note we decided to continue on our journey until the end of the year, but with one difference – we would not tell anyone, except our parents.

As i discovered that there was close to only 100 days of the year left i decided that if i wasn’t to tell, i would write.  I would be honest and true, and each day of the 100 days i would tell my story to you, because i know that you may cry, and you may feel as i feel, but it wont affect you, and in turn wont affect me nor my courage to continue on my journey, because i wont see your tears.

“I am an open book, these are my pages, they will be read, but kept untold, as i do not want my pain to be your pain, i want only my happiness to be your happiness.”