Day Two of 100 – An open book, to let others read the pages or not?

“I am an open book, these are my pages, they will be read, but kept untold, as i do not want my pain to be your pain, i want only my happiness to be your happiness.”


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I have always been an open book, i like to talk, and yes i like to talk ALOT.  If someone or something annoys me, i’ll tell you about it.  If i’m angry ill stand up in the middle of the office and tell all the staff about it, and if something excites me my gosh ill stand in front of the world, do a ridiculous dance and scream out at the top of my lungs so that everyone knows just how i feel.

So you can imagine the dilemmas i am having keeping my IVF and baby business to myself…!

At the beginning of the year after our first gyno appointment, even through the excitement that there was actually hope for us, we decided to keep it to ourselves.  We told both sets of parents, and i told my best friend at work – purely so that someone new why i was going crazy, and plus i needed good advise. But as i caught up with friends, and as my first two week wait came closer, i became more and more excited – so i told!

As the months progressed more and more people found out, and it got to the point where i was having so many doctors appointments and was ducking out of the office so much, losing concentration and slipping up time and time again, that i had to go in and tell my boss. Basically that’s when the whole office found out, and i think that’s when i decided not to be bothered about keeping any secrets, if someone asked me how i was i told them the truth.

The more we progressed along with the IUI’s i found it increasingly harder to let people know that it didnt work as it seemed to make me more upset.

After four failed IUI’s, it was time, time to move on to the big guns, IVF.  So August 2009 we began our first cycle, and i told EVERYONE.  I told people when i had to give myself the needles, i told everyone how my overies hurt, i told everyone about the egg pick up, i told everyone about everything! Then came the ten day wait, the most painful wait of my whole entire life, so many emotions PLUS so many people asking me when i would find out, when they would kow the outcome of this month long process that i had told them every little detail about…

D-Day, blood test day – Friday 4th September 2009, 10.30am, the call came, two of my girls stood by me as i recieved the phone call, i progressed outside, they followed – they looked like they were about to expolde!  Then it came -YES i was pregnant! OMG i gave them the thumbs up – they ran inside and told everyone, everyone came outside – there were hugs there were kisses, I felt like i had won the lottery! I rang everyone, texted everyone else, OMG OMG OMG – it worked!

September 7th – second blood test, your not pregnant, hormone level had dropped significantly.  NUMB.  For about an hour, then i told, as soon as i told, as soon as i said it out loud, that was it, the tears didnot stop, how do i tell people im not pregnant, how could this be? The whole office was in tears like someone had died, which made it worse, oh how it made it so much worse, these people they love me so much, they are crying for me, hurting for me… and i cried, i cried, i cried… i didnt know that i could cry so hard for so long. I wanted my mum, i wanted to die, i wanted to throw the towel in, crawl under a rock and just disapear.

SIGH – i was a mess, and everyone knew it.  And because everyone knew, they were sympathetic, and because they were sympathetic i got worse, i cried at work, i cried at home, i told my dad i was ‘just miserable’ i couldn’t snap out of it, and i really think it was because everyone knew just what i was going through.  I was ready to give up, i had given up, i had canceled all my appointments, and told my husband that that was it, i couldn’t do it again, i was to devastated and it was all too hard.

So as the days moved on and i got slightly more depresed about everything, as i begun seeing babies everywhere and becoming more and more envious of pregnant people, i realised that i couldnt give up now, i want this more than anything i had ever wanted, and i realised that this was the only thing that was going to make me happy again.

On September 15th (ish) i had a good D&M with my husband and we decieded to do it again, and on that note we decided to continue on our journey until the end of the year, but with one difference – we would not tell anyone, except our parents.

As i discovered that there was close to only 100 days of the year left i decided that if i wasn’t to tell, i would write.  I would be honest and true, and each day of the 100 days i would tell my story to you, because i know that you may cry, and you may feel as i feel, but it wont affect you, and in turn wont affect me nor my courage to continue on my journey, because i wont see your tears.

“I am an open book, these are my pages, they will be read, but kept untold, as i do not want my pain to be your pain, i want only my happiness to be your happiness.”

Inspiration-less…. Inspiration Overload!

desktop2What happens when you lose your inspiration? OR rather it may be classified as over inspired? What happens when you have a thousand ideas running through your head, when you have so many words to say, so many stories to tell, so many experiences so much inside of you that you think you could just explode?

Today my fingers just cant type fast enough, my thoughts are all swirling and i have no idea what to write, which story to tell, which point to start at… I’m sitting here with 20 minutes left of my lunch break listening to my favorite song of the moment, wondering which story i should tell today…  Should i tell you more about my mom make the tears flow down your cheeks, should i tell you the boring story of how i got to the point of IVF – a story that is not much more then any other IVF story, or do i write something that will make you feel so warm and fuzzy inside you just have to smile?

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my journey my 100 day count will officially begin… so in the last 7 minutes i will replay my song and let you know how i got to this point, short and sweet…

There are many places i could say my IVF journey begun, but for me i think it begun with a gut feeling nearly 5 years ago… For a brief moment somewhere along the lines i can remember the thought running through my head that i may not be able to have children, but at that point in my life the thought didn’t concern me much, as i was not ready.

So progress along the time line 4 years, my husband and i decided (this took about a month or so of arguing) to stop taking contraception… with the thought that we would just go on life as normal and if i fell pregnant then that was great, no stress, no pressure, we weren’t telling anyone… perfect.

So what went wrong?  Honestly i’m still not sure, and on top of that i am still not sure how i got to the point of IVF… it has all gone so quickly, i have on many occasions compared this part of my life to a nightmare, and in fact, in my mind it is as hazy as a nightmare is when you first wake from it.

But no matter how i got here,  i am here on the IVF journey.  We have spent the best part of the year trying IUI’s and most recently a failed IVF Cycle – which in fact is a story of its own that i will have to tell another day as my remaining seven minutes has quickly past…

To end todays somewhat inspiration-less thoughts i look up to my work wall where a card has been pinned… Inside it has a quote that means more then the words could ever say simply because someone dear to me wrote it in that card when i needed it most of all…

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all” Dale Carnegie

Is it Envy or Jealousy?

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ENVY: a feeling of discontent with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions

JEALOUSY: resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage,  or against another’s success or advantage itself

Envy and jealousy are very close in meaning. Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another .  Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves. (dictonary.com)

It is not that often as an adult we get our meanings confused, and call me naive, silly, or just plain stupid, but last weekend i got jealousy and envy mixed up. Whoops!

In the past it was not often that i would feel either of the two emotions, but as my journey continues, and my situation worsens and as i wake up to another day in this nightmare where i find myself still not pregnant i have found that the smallest of things creates these emotions inside of me that just don’t fit within my personality. Or more honestly – that i don’t want as a part of my personality.

I would have to say that now that i have understood the difference between the two emotions of envy and jealousy, it is not jealousy that has become a part of my emotions, it is envy.  As i understand it to be jealousy comes with hate, and by no means do i hate anyone for their fortune, especially the ones i love most of all.

I’m sure this is a normal emotion surrounded with other IVF patients, but how i really wish i could get rid of it!  I walk down the street and see a mother and child – ohh there you go – envious.  I hear another family member is pregnant, a friend is pregnant – ohh there it is again.  And what about when others you know are going through the same journey as you?  Even then, the envy just swerms around, churning in my belly, making me more and more anxious, more and more angry that my stupid body wont just work.

Even though my thoughts and feelings of envy are so strong, and even though i wish that things were different for me, i know that at this point in time i can say with 100% certainty that there is no resentment or hate that surrounds me.  These people i envy they deserve what they have, and i am in no way better than they are, and therefore i am able to live with my emotions, and once again in this moment appreciate life and end my thoughts today on a happy note…


As the sun shines and i wriggle my toes in the sand, i realise that life is always what you make of it…

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HOPE: The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that the events will turn out for the best.

My life to date has been nothing but extraordinary.  I have lived through a thousand different journeys, some tougher than others, but if i could change them i wouldn’t, simply because they have made me the person i am today, and simply because without my past i may not be where i am right now – looking over the water and wriggling my toes in the sand.

A huge part of my journey to date, and i would have to say one of the most significant events in my life took place nearly 15 years ago to the date.

I always thought that i was strong and that i was a survivor, that this event was in that past and in no way affected me or my state of mind right now.  I was wrong.  This year is probably one of the first years i have cried out loud and said the word to my husband i never dreamed i would “i want my mom”.  It sounds like i am five years old and have had a nightmare right?  That’s how i feel – like i want to wake from my nightmare and have my mom hold me and tell me it will all be okay.

15 years ago my sister and i watched my mom die – although at the time no one told me she was dying.  The evil bastard cancer took her – I was only 11.

I grew up thinking I could survive without her, that i was strong, that what i didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me.  But this year it seems, i need a mom.  Yes i have people who support me, i have a beautiful mother in law, a step mom, and i have friends who would move the earth for me if they could.  But it is not the same.  For some reason, and i may be just wishing on the fact that i know no better, but i honestly believe that if i had a mom, this year would have been easier, and maybe the next 100 would be easier as well.

The closest i have to a mom is my sister, and you will surely learn over the next 100 days just how much of an inspiration she is, and just how much she has given up in her life for me.

As i sit here now looking out at the sea, all my sadness of losing a mother, and all of my sadness from my hardship this year seems tiny in compasison to this view, and i sit here and i realize that life is always what you make of it, and right now right in this moment, i am happy…

100 Days of IVF 100 Days of Hope

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not.  Remember that what you now have was once among the things you had only hoped for.” Epicurus

There will never be enough words to describe the journey we face, and never enough words to describe the hardship we have faced nor the hardship we are about to face.

2009 – my 27th year on this earth has been my most challenging.  I never thought that anything could make my heart hurt the way it has this year.  The yearning, the disappointment, the desperation of desire and the constant thought of ‘why me’ what did i do to deserve this?

In four days time there will be 100 days left of my most challenging year.  Before the countdown begins, as well as throughout the 100 days, i will try and fill you in on my experiences this year and how i came to this point in my life, and why I face 100 days of IVF.  I know that each day over the next 100 will will bring me more challenges than i ever expected, more highs and more lows as well.  I want to share this with others who share my pain, and i want others to know they are not alone – as i know what it feels like to be in envy, and i know what it feels like to be so lost and confused that you don’t quite know who you are anymore.

Your journey is yours to experience, your future untold, but your path clearly marked…