So many times people come into our lives and change us in some way and then leave.

I often wonder about friends past, wonder about where they are or what they are doing or sometimes even what our lives would be like if they were still apart of them.

Think about it... Primary school - who was your best friend?  High School - someone different again?  What about college? Then your first job.... All those people coming and going in and out of our lives, what happened to them?

People change, and i think that is the important thing to remember, that each year of our lives we are experiencing something different which means that the people we need close to us needs to change.  But what is it about our lives that makes that happen?  Why is it that we have people in our lives for just a 'section' and then they leave again?

And i guess in saying that everyone is different, some people have friends that they have known for most of their lives... But others like me, dont - we have people that we have known for just those 'sections'.

I dont feel like i am missing out, the friends i have, especially at the moment are so dear to me it brings tears to my eyes when i think about it... But sometimes i worry that they wont be there, simply because it seems that for every changing season of my life, i loose someone - and as it stands right now, the friends i have - i really dont want to loose.

Then again, maybe as we get older and our friends enter the same stages of life as us we are able to hold on for longer simply for the reason that we are experiencing the same things at the same time.  And that statement in itself makes me feel more confident as i know that my closest friends - the ones i love so much - are going through the same stage of life as me.

But it still doesnt change the fact that somedays i sit here and wonder about the people who were once part of my life...

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Today was what i think to be my 12th scan of this pregnancy, and dont get me wrong - I LOVE THEM, the constant reassurance that everything is ok, and that things are running as they should be - priceless....

But the thought has crossed my mind, and the mind of others i know, that maybe all this modern technology is making us more paranoid then we should be?

Let me just put this out there:: What did they do before ultra sounds? How did they know if the baby wasnt growing as it should be?

How did they know if the placenta was anterior?  Or if the blood flow isnt as it should be?  And i know that they do the press and feely thing, but how do they know what sort of breech position the baby was in? And in saying all that, if they didnt know, then they wouldnt have done anything about it right?

C Sections wouldnt have come about - right?  Not that i have ANY objection to a C section... I dont care either way as long as the baby comes out safe... But is there a higher survival rate these days?

Do babies have a better chance because of modern technology?  Or is all this technology just making us more paranoid then we should be?

I tend to think that the scans reassure me personally, seeing my little baby in there growing - like i said - priceless....

But would i have even needed reassuring in the first place, if the sonographer hadnt flagged warning bells and requested the doctor all those weeks ago? Personally i think i would, i am a bit of a paranoid freak after all the stuff we have been through...

But it really is something to ponder on isnt it?

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. Author Unknown

Now i am not normally the type to get so carried away in jokes, but this one came past me today and honestly i let out the biggest giggle you have ever heard... And i thought that it was too good to pass up!

Making A Baby

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Patel fainted

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. Bill Cosby

Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill.... Just so you know, I loved you before you were apart of me, I loved you when you were apart of me, and I guess I always will love you no matter how near far or you are from me. Anon

There are many people in this world that i couldnt live without, many people who are part of my life that i simply would not know what to do with myself if i didnt have them around, if they wernt there to talk to when i needed them.

There are many people in my life that have helped make me who i am today, been there for me when i needed them most of all , and there are many people who have touched me and guided me in ways that i may never be able to repay.

But i have to say that there is only one person in my world who i truly will never be able to thank enough, one person who when i say i couldnt live without i mean it with every ounce of my very being... There is but one person in my life who i know will come to my rescue when everyone else has given up on me, and there is one person who i know that even if i betrayed or let down in the worst possible way would be there for me in my darkest hour...

One person who i know no matter what will always be my rock.

My sister.

For the past 28 years my sister has been there for me no matter what.

When i cried in my crib it was my sister who played spider man and climbed into my cot to keep me company...

On my first day of school, she held my hand as we walked through the gates together.

As we travelled the world with our parents, it was my sister who had the patience to explain the sites in kid lingo to me.

When i was scared at night, it was my sister who came into my bed and made sure i was ok.

When my mother sat us on her lap and told us she had cancer, it was my sister who squeezed my hand and told me it would be ok.

When we were left at our gandparents house while our mother went into another operation, it was my sister who kept me company, and waited paitently with me.

As we drove to the hospital the day my mother died, it was my sister who pointed out the double rainbow to me, and told me that my mother was watching over us now.

My first kiss, my high school graduation, my first job, my wedding.... She was there for me, when i needed somone, i had my sister - always.

And last year, when i needed someone most of all, when everything was against me, when i wanted to give up, when i wanted to kill myself, when i thought i had nothing, when i hated my husband and everything in my life...

I had my sister.

and when i have this precious miracle of mine, when i am scared and dont know who to turn to, i will have my sister.  When i go into labor and my husband faints, i will have my sister... When i dont know how to feed, when it all gets to much, i know i will have my sister

She was there for me through it all, and she will be there for me through what is yet to come - no matter what...  And i honestly dont think i could have done it or will be able to do it without her.

And i know that no matter what i do it will never be enough to thank her, and i know that no matter how many words i write it will never be enough to let her to know just how much she means to me, and just how much having her in my life really matters...

So today Mrs Angell, on your 30th Birthday i simply say...

To my dearest sister,

Thank you.

Love from a sister that will never be able to find enough of the right words to ever thank you for all that you have been for her.

Please help me to thank my beautiful sister by RT this post, and wishing @MrsAngell a wonderful 30th Birthday!

We love you lady! (More than you'll ever know...)

A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost. Anon

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful. Thich Nhat Hanh

Why is it that when you relay information, especially when babies and the possibility that an old wife's tale may be able to be involved, people just shut their ears and refuse to listen?

I love my family and friends, dont get me wrong... I love the fact that they have hope, and i love the faith that they have in their theories and their stories and experiences from this friend or another... But sometimes i just want to tell my story and have people believe what i am saying.  Sometimes i dont want to have to delve deep into my limited relayed medical knowledge, sometimes i just want to accept what the medical professionals have said and have people believe what i am am saying - because honestly, am i going to make this stuff up? Am i plucking this info from my rear end?

It seems that the more people i tell about my breech baby and the reality that i more than likely will be having a c section, the more people i relay the information that was passed onto me by my doctor on friday, the more people seem to want to 'reassure' me that 'there is still time' or that there are methods of madness to turn the baby...  That joes friends aunts cousin from down the ways baby didnt turn until 3 days before delivery...

Thats nice!

But i am telling you that MY doctor - you know the one that has seen me throgh this whole pregnancy, the one that has watched over me as we found out the baby was small, the one that has performed ultra sounds and has written reports for the past 9 months... You know that doctor? Well she is saying that it isnt likely that the baby will turn, she is saying that there isnt enough room, she is saying that they may reccomend the c section....

And i might just add.... This is a public system, they dont just OFFER you a c section, they dont just offer to give you major surgury unless it is in the best interest of you and the baby... And no i am not just making this stuff up!

I think it annoys me mostly becuase i need to accept that i am having a c section, i have to get my head around the fact that i cant have a natural birth, i need to be calm and accepting and not try and find false hope.... And when people are telling me otherwise, when i have to explain that the doctor has told me there isnt enough room in there for goeroge to do a complete back flip, over and over and over again... I kinda get frustrated...

It is almost like when we were going through IVF people always had their thories, and their old wives tales, and their stories of joes friends aunts cousin from down the way.... Its just so frustrating that no matter what you say, no matter what you do... No one will believe you.

I understand, i really do... They are just trying to help.  But yesterday as i began explaining, my mind wondered back to a year ago through our infertile days, through our IVF experinece, and i couldnt help but feel helpless...

I know everything is going to be ok.  I know that God has his plan and i accept what is to be... And if that means a c section, then so be it... If it is Gods plan for Georgie to do a massively impossible back flip in my little belly, then it will be.... Through all that we have been through, through the ups and downs, through the past year, i have learned so much and that has strengthened my faith and hope in my future enough for me to say confidently today that i trust what will be.  I accept whatever is to be thrown my way, just as much as i openly accept what the medical professionals are telling me.... More than your silly stories and old wives tales at least!

All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is to - act as if it were impossible to fail. Dorothea Brande

You know the day you have been waiting for, the day you thought would never arrive, the day you thought you may never have?

That day for me was today.

I never knew just how much this ment to me, and i never expected to feel so much emotion from somthing as simple as a baby shower.  But i did.  Today has to be put down as one of the best days of my life.  I felt so loved, i felt so much love for a child that is yet to be born, so much love from other people for a child who is so desperatly wanted and cherished already.

Yes i invited as many people as i could, and yes i knew that some would show and some wouldnt, but today i was so overwhelmed that so many people came to show their love and 'shower' my new little family with so much love it isnt funny!

My george and i are already so spoiled!

I realised today just how blessed i am to have so many caring and loving people in my life... I would never have been able to go through everything i did without these people.  And i know that through it all each and everyone has played such an important in my georges life...

We really and truly are blessed - there is no other way to put it.  And as i go to bed tonight with my husband by my side my baby in my belly i know that nothing in my life right now could be more perfect.  It is how i always dreamed it to be.

And once again i say.... I am happy.

I truly am happy.

 It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.  Dale Carnegie

To my dearest little miracle,

Today is a magnificent day!  Today i saw you again, and my little one the doctor tells me you are doing fantastically!  And after last week i feel as if i could do back flips!

My cheeky little baby, you are butt down (breech) and not going anywhere...  You have managed to sit yourself down in what i assume to be a comfortable spot for you, not for me however.... OWIE feet in cervix not comfortable FYI.... And you have decided that your not going anywhere (or so the doctor tells me)...  So for me this means that more than likely i will be booked in for a c section at 38 weeks...

Thats only 4 1/2 weeks away my little one!  I am going to meet you sooner than we thought, and today for the first time in what feels like such a long time i am not scared anymore, i am just so excited i could burst!

Today nothing else matters anymore, no 'fear' of the unknown is going to bring me to tears, no 'fear' of pain, no 'fear' of not being ready, no 'fear' or 'what if's' about being in special care, i am not having any of it anymore, i am tossing that aside and just focusing on you and having you in my arms, and having the best 4 weeks of my life with the man i love beside me as we wait together for the baby we longed for, dreamed of, and will now cherish for an eternity...

You my precious, are all that matters to me know, and i just cant wait to have you in my arms!

Love from a mother that will be

An old favorite for the day....  Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddah

As i sat in hospital last week i realized that while i love my husband to pieces, there are quite a few things that are defiantly not going to be done while i am in hospital having our baby!  So today i give you the:

Top Ten Things that wont get done while i am in hospital!

1. The washing will not be taken out of the dryer and folded... It will stay in the dryer... even if it is still wet!
2. The floors will get swept.... But the pile of dirt will not be panned up, and each day as the floors are swept, the pile will grow bigger and bigger until the puppy destroys it and the dirt ends up back through the house!
3. There will be a trail of clothes from the front door to the couch, where he has decided to drop them as he walks and undresses through the house
4. The toilet seat will remain up
5. The towels will not be washed, they will remain in a heap on the floor, and for that matter, the bed defiantly will not be made, the sheets defiantly not washed
6. He will not remember where anything is kept, and more than likely i will be called to confirm where exactly the chilli sauce is kept
7. My dear husband wont eat any vegetables, no purchase any vegetables or food with substance should he decide to do some groceries
8. After cooking a massive meal he will in fact store the remaining food, however he wont eat the leftovers, they will stay in the fridge until mold grows and we cant decipher what the food originally was!
9. If by chance his socks do get washed, they will not be paired up and will receive a phone call letting me know that he has no socks and that he requires money to purchase some...
10. Speaking of money, i will get a call or a visit more than likely twice a day asking for some more money as he has none... I will question the $50 i just gave him and he will advise me that food is expensive... When i ask what food he will let me know just what fast food he ate and how much it cost, not to mention exactly what expensive energy drink he likes and how much they cost... hmmm apparently he has never heard of home cooked meals and a glass of water!

But i do know that he loves me, and no matter what doesnt get done and how much money he spends it will be made up by love and affection for me and our miracle george!

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others. Anon

I love my upside down round about cheeky little baby!

Love is the smile you put on my face no matter how cheeky you are being...

Plain and simply this is hard.

Harder than i thought it would be.

Today i went back to work.  I thought it would be a good distraction, and i thought that it would ease my mind to know that i was being productive....

But today was hard.

I am scared... Well maybe not so much as scared but worried.  I am worried that i am going to miss the signs, that i am not going to be in the right place at the right time... Worried that i diagnose my back pain as back pain rather than labor, worried that if something happens i will not be prepared...

I am sitting here worried that i have got everything wrong, that i cant do this, that i am once again going to stuff up...

I guess i am just second guessing myself, my faith and my instincts... I dont want to, but reality has hit and i am.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  Maybe i wont have back pain tomorrow, maybe i will feel more comfortable, maybe if i can just get through today, tomorrow it will be better.

Maybe it wont.

I dont know.... I just dont know up from down, left from right anymore... Plain and simply, i am confused about everything, and just want the next 7 weeks to pass and to have my little miracle in my arms safe and sound...

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you. Roger Ebert

Technology is a funny thing.  We rely on it so much these days... Which is a good thing for i know that without the technology i wouldnt have had half as much care and reassurance throughout this pregnancy as i have had...

But what happens when it is wrong? Or when someone reads the information that technology provides us with wrong?

I mean it could be devastating, there could be serious consequences... And at other times, just a mishap that causes for confusion and minor dilemmas...

As everyone knows at a 20 week ultrasound you are given the option to know what gender your baby is... So what happens if you decide to find out, and 20 weeks later you find out they were wrong? Someone misread the information... Someone incorrectly identified the gender of your baby?

Not catastrophic no.  For some not really heartbreaking as they have a beautiful baby in there arms, but for others - like the lady in the bed next to me yesterday, a little confusing and hard to accept.

You see this lady was told she was having a boy.  She had a boy name picked, blue clothes brought over, who knows if blue blankets and decorations had been purchased as well! What would you do?

Its funny, as i am in many conflicting frames of mind when i think about all this...

Firstly i kinda feel sorry for the mother, she now doesnt have a name for her new baby, and also each time she spoke to someone she had to explain that she had a girl not a boy...  And it seemed on many occasions that no one believed the mother, that she kept being questioned as to why she had a girl!

Another part of me feels anger, as each time the mother spoke about having a girl she seemed upset, disappointed and almost angry that it wasnt a boy.... It was a beautiful little healthy baby! An easy delivery, and they were set to go home only 12 hours after the birth...  So why did she seem unhappy?

And how does that happen these days? I mean everyone makes mistakes, i know that... But really i thought it only happened the other way round, confusing a girl with a boy?  And when you do find out (excuse the naivety as we dont know weather we are having a boy or girl) but do they like give you a percentage chance that it is a girl or boy, or do they just say, yup its a boy...

I keep imagining if it happened to me how i would feel... And i think the only disappointment i would feel would be if i had decorated according to gender, and then the room would have been all wrong! That would be devastating to me!

And it also makes me wonder how often this happens? Is it a common occurrence?  I am wondering if anyone knows anyone who was told the wrong gender, and how did they handle it?

As i sat there yesterday listening to this woman explain over and over again that she had a girl not a boy, and explain over and over and over again that she didnt have a name picked because all her names were boy name, it really made me grateful once again for not actually finding out what the gender of our baby is!

It is going to be a nice surprise... Rather than a nasty surprise!!

The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us. Ashley Montagu

So much has happened!  I dont even know where to begin, and honestly i dont even know where it all began, but i will give it a shot...

Four days ago i felt sick... Sitting at work trying to be of use, but all i could think about were the niggling cramps and major tightness and the lack of my little george moving, i thought maybe i should let it be, i thought maybe that it was nothing... But again as always i couldnt let the uneasy feeling leave me, and once more i sought out to be reassured that everything was ok...

It wasnt ok.

As i waited to see a midwife and chatted to some other waiting patients, the cramps and tightness got stronger... The overwhelming sick and 'just not right' feelings got worse...

Finally i was called in and the nurse hooked me up to the fetal CTG machine, and left me for half an hour... The cramps got worse and the tightening continued, and when the nurse came back in the look on her face was one of concern.

She went to get the doctor.

The next hour was quite intense as a few doctors came by and decided to do a test which i cant for the life of me remember what it was called.... But a postive outcome indicates that labor may happen within two weeks... The test involed a lot of unpleasantries and left me bleeding and scared...

The doctors spoke, the test was positive.... I was to be admitted to the post natal ward, and given steriods to develop georges lungs.

At this point i think i was more scared than in pain, and more confused then anything else, but soon enough my husband was by my side and i felt somwhat at ease knowing that i was in the right place.

As the night progressed the cramps came and went worsening at points, the nurses came by i was given some tablets to ease the pain, and baby george was monitored all night, and by the time the sun rose i was feeling better, tired & overwhelmed, but better...

It was in the morning when the doctors came by that everything was explained, mostly.  I had some contractions, my cervix was irritated, and the test to indicate premiture labor came back positive - they had to keep me in, and they were placing me on medication to ensure that the contracions didnt come back...

At the same time i was told that due to the size of george and as george is breech, if contractions restarted they would take george out, it was in babys best interest and health... So again as the day progressed and with this new information, my fears grew, my mind wondered a million and one stories....

To ease my mind the neonatal unit came to speak to me and explain the statistics of a 32 week baby - which are surprisingly high, 99% survival rate with little to worry about but the lungs... Which is why i was given the steriods...

The rest is as it was... Four long and emotional days in a hospital bed watching ungrateful mothers, as well as some grateful mothers, come and go... It still surprises me just how selfish people are, just how much some people care more about things and posestions then life itself... But i think that in its own is another story...

So now four days later i am sitting in my bed grateful for all i have, there were tears, i felt sorry for myself, it was hard... But once again i have learned something....

Maybe it is scary, maybe making a baby has been the hardest and most emotional thing i have ever had to do, but sitting here tonight in my bed with my family, and with the knowledge that everything is going to be ok no matter if the baby comes now or in 8 weeks, i once again know that it is worth it... Every second of pain, every second of doubt, every second i have to pray, and every moment that has been this journey, i wouldnt trade it for the world....

I dont want your accidentally fall pregnant, pop out a baby (the lady in the bed next to me went into labor at 2am and gave birth at 3.10am, the baby came out so fast its face was bruised!) pregnancy that i dont appreciate... I want what i have, a miracle that i gave everything i have too, a miracle that may have caused me the most confusion and worry that i have ever lived through, but a miracle that i know i deserve, a miracle that i know that i will appreciate and treasure and love for the rest of my lifetime....

I am blessed.

Without a doubt, i am blessed, and the past four days has reminded me this...

I love you geroge and i cant wait to meet you when the time is just right!

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. Ashley Smith

To my dearest little miracle,

I dont want to cry, i want to be strong for you, but i know that in the days, weeks, and months to come that there will be tears. I will cry for you, and i know that at times i will cry for me too, becuause i am scared... There is nothing more frightening than the unknown, there really isnt.

My little one i know that no matter how much i prepare myself for this, no matter how much i research this, no matter how much i visulise what is going to happen and how delicate and precious you will be, no matter how much i know that the statistics are with us, no matter what i am still scared for you.

I am sitting here with all my faith believing in my heart and hoping like hell that tonight you and i will be heading home and you will be inside of me for at least a month longer, grow just that little bit more to ensure that you are stronger... And i just have to have faith that my body will support you the way that you need.

The future is just so unknown so uncertain... Its hard not to be scared, hard not to be overwhelmed.

Love from a mother that will be