Thirty Five Weeks. 22 Sleeps to go…

You know that feeling?

The one you got before your first day of school?

The one you got before your first date?

The one you got as you waited patiently for your high school scores, or your college acceptance?

You know the one… That feeling you got the night before your wedding?

Thats how i feel right now…

Excited, scared, nervous, eager, anxious…. All rolled up together until you cant breath…

Yup thats it…

I am going to explode!

Today we received a letter in the post….

And i honestly think this will be the most important letter i ever receive…

A letter that told me the date my miracle will be born..

I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

Words will never describe the excitement i feel right now… Nothing will ever be able to take the smile off my face…

At this moment, i dont care that it isnt a natural birth, i dont care that i will be in pain for weeks, or that i will be in hospital for five days… I dont care about the risks i dont care about the pros or cons of the c section… Right now, all i care about is that its here…

Almost finally here…. In 22 sleeps i will FINALLY be a mum…

After all that we have been through, after all that we have struggled through, the time has come…

In 22 sleeps i am going to be a mommy…

I think i am going to cry…

There are no words…

No words!

Tears are words the heart can’t express Anon

Thirty Four Weeks.  Six Days. 36 Days to go…

The truth is, we spend our childhoods learning, being ambitious of the next level of education.  One of the first things we are asked as a kid is ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’  We work hard in primary school to do well in high school, we do well in high school to get into college…. Then what? We search high and low for that ‘perfect job’?

We are taught that we need to do something that excites us that makes us happy – right?

I did that, i did what they wanted me to do, i worked hard in primary school to do well in high school, i went to college i got my ‘dream job’… But after time, we all get passed that… Whatever we do just becomes a job… It just becomes something to fill our days with, something to pay our way from.  We want more in life, well i wanted more in life.  I wanted to have a family, i wanted to be a mum….

It was hard, struggling through infertility and a full time job.  And i think sometimes when we struggle so much we forget about our day to day lives, we forget about everything that makes our lives ‘normal’, we forget about the future and just focus on what we want…. Until we get it or give up…

As you know i am one of the lucky ones, I got through the struggles.  Then came the excitement and anticipation if it all, and i think that it is safe for me to say that while last year i was consumed with falling pregnant, this year i am totally consumed with meeting my miracle – which is fine…

But what happens next?  Where does my job go?  And what is fair?

With three weeks left before i become a mum my maternity leave and employment options are still up in the air, and while it is not particularly bothering me, it is making me ponder….

I dont have a strenuous job, just a desk job… I wanted to go part time in August but my ‘plan of attack’ is yet to be approved and so i continue to work – which is fine as we really need the money, and i am not feeling ‘too tired’… But honestly it would be nice to know where i stand, and what the future holds for me…

I sit here tonight, wondering when i will finish working, wondering if i am going to be working to the day before i have my child, and also wondering what happens next?  Will i just go on leave not knowing where i stand?  Not knowing what job i am to come back to? Wondering if i will be allowed to come back part time, or if there will even be a job there for me when i need it?

I sit here wondering if i really even care?  If this really even means anything to me?  If any of this is even important right now, or if it is one of those things that will just ‘sort itself out’?

I spent primary school working hard to do well in high school, i did well in high school and i got into college… I have a job, i have had many fulfilling jobs – and now i wonder what next?

I guess the only thing that matters is that i will be able to provide for my family the best i can…. Be there for the people i love, and support them in the best possible way….

But really, is it always this unknown?

And as a side note (if you hadnt already guessed) I dont think i am handling the unknown very well…

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

Thirty Four Weeks.  Five Days. 37 Days to go…

I thought that the hard part was over.  I thought that once i was pregnant, once i got past those twelve weeks, once i got past 20 weeks, once i got into the third trimester, past the contraction scares, past all that has happened in the last year, well honestly i thought by now i would be ok.

I never imagined that emotions could be so confusing, that when all seemed to be ok, that when all the ‘dangers’ had past that i would still be scared, simply because my emotions have taken over.

As the days go by, as the tiredness creeps back my emotions seem to take on a life of their own, and they honestly scare me.

This morning i broke down and screamed, cried like i havent done for the most part of the year.  But instead of being about hurting, instead of being broken inside… I was breaking down over shoes – my pent up emotions and fears, my tied and overwhelmed body broke down over the simplest thing.

How does it come to this?

My pain is in the past… I have almost made it, i have the life i but dreamed about having a year ago…  Yet this morning i feel apart… And it scared me.

I worried about the child inside of me hurting because i was upset, i worried about the child inside of me being in danger because i fell apart… And i worry now about the months to come and the emotions that may surround them, and the child that will be in my arms depending on me not to break down and cry.

I want to be strong for this child, i want my George to know that i am a good mother, that i can handle what the world throws at us and be the one that protects him.  I dont want to let my emotions take over…

But how?  How can i control the uncontrollable?

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes. John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Thirty Four Weeks.  Four Days. 38 Days to go…

So many times people come into our lives and change us in some way and then leave.

I often wonder about friends past, wonder about where they are or what they are doing or sometimes even what our lives would be like if they were still apart of them.

Think about it… Primary school – who was your best friend?  High School – someone different again?  What about college? Then your first job…. All those people coming and going in and out of our lives, what happened to them?

People change, and i think that is the important thing to remember, that each year of our lives we are experiencing something different which means that the people we need close to us needs to change.  But what is it about our lives that makes that happen?  Why is it that we have people in our lives for just a ‘section’ and then they leave again?

And i guess in saying that everyone is different, some people have friends that they have known for most of their lives… But others like me, dont – we have people that we have known for just those ‘sections’.

I dont feel like i am missing out, the friends i have, especially at the moment are so dear to me it brings tears to my eyes when i think about it… But sometimes i worry that they wont be there, simply because it seems that for every changing season of my life, i loose someone – and as it stands right now, the friends i have – i really dont want to loose.

Then again, maybe as we get older and our friends enter the same stages of life as us we are able to hold on for longer simply for the reason that we are experiencing the same things at the same time.  And that statement in itself makes me feel more confident as i know that my closest friends – the ones i love so much – are going through the same stage of life as me.

But it still doesnt change the fact that somedays i sit here and wonder about the people who were once part of my life…

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Thirty Four Weeks.  Three Days. 39 Days to go…

Today was what i think to be my 12th scan of this pregnancy, and dont get me wrong – I LOVE THEM, the constant reassurance that everything is ok, and that things are running as they should be – priceless….

But the thought has crossed my mind, and the mind of others i know, that maybe all this modern technology is making us more paranoid then we should be?

Let me just put this out there:: What did they do before ultra sounds? How did they know if the baby wasnt growing as it should be?

How did they know if the placenta was anterior?  Or if the blood flow isnt as it should be?  And i know that they do the press and feely thing, but how do they know what sort of breech position the baby was in? And in saying all that, if they didnt know, then they wouldnt have done anything about it right?

C Sections wouldnt have come about – right?  Not that i have ANY objection to a C section… I dont care either way as long as the baby comes out safe… But is there a higher survival rate these days?

Do babies have a better chance because of modern technology?  Or is all this technology just making us more paranoid then we should be?

I tend to think that the scans reassure me personally, seeing my little baby in there growing – like i said – priceless….

But would i have even needed reassuring in the first place, if the sonographer hadnt flagged warning bells and requested the doctor all those weeks ago? Personally i think i would, i am a bit of a paranoid freak after all the stuff we have been through…

But it really is something to ponder on isnt it?

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. Author Unknown

Thirty Four Weeks. Two Days. 40 Days to go…

Now i am not normally the type to get so carried away in jokes, but this one came past me today and honestly i let out the biggest giggle you have ever heard… And i thought that it was too good to pass up!

Making A Baby

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to….’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer.. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Patel.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Patel quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Patel.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Patel leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes…. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Patel fainted

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. Bill Cosby

Thirty Four Weeks. 42 Days to go…

There are many people in this world that i couldnt live without, many people who are part of my life that i simply would not know what to do with myself if i didnt have them around, if they wernt there to talk to when i needed them.

There are many people in my life that have helped make me who i am today, been there for me when i needed them most of all , and there are many people who have touched me and guided me in ways that i may never be able to repay.

But i have to say that there is only one person in my world who i truly will never be able to thank enough, one person who when i say i couldnt live without i mean it with every ounce of my very being… There is but one person in my life who i know will come to my rescue when everyone else has given up on me, and there is one person who i know that even if i betrayed or let down in the worst possible way would be there for me in my darkest hour…

One person who i know no matter what will always be my rock.

My sister.

For the past 28 years my sister has been there for me no matter what.

When i cried in my crib it was my sister who played spider man and climbed into my cot to keep me company…

On my first day of school, she held my hand as we walked through the gates together.

As we travelled the world with our parents, it was my sister who had the patience to explain the sites in kid lingo to me.

When i was scared at night, it was my sister who came into my bed and made sure i was ok.

When my mother sat us on her lap and told us she had cancer, it was my sister who squeezed my hand and told me it would be ok.

When we were left at our gandparents house while our mother went into another operation, it was my sister who kept me company, and waited paitently with me.

As we drove to the hospital the day my mother died, it was my sister who pointed out the double rainbow to me, and told me that my mother was watching over us now.

My first kiss, my high school graduation, my first job, my wedding…. She was there for me, when i needed somone, i had my sister – always.

And last year, when i needed someone most of all, when everything was against me, when i wanted to give up, when i wanted to kill myself, when i thought i had nothing, when i hated my husband and everything in my life…

I had my sister.

and when i have this precious miracle of mine, when i am scared and dont know who to turn to, i will have my sister.  When i go into labor and my husband faints, i will have my sister… When i dont know how to feed, when it all gets to much, i know i will have my sister

She was there for me through it all, and she will be there for me through what is yet to come – no matter what…  And i honestly dont think i could have done it or will be able to do it without her.

And i know that no matter what i do it will never be enough to thank her, and i know that no matter how many words i write it will never be enough to let her to know just how much she means to me, and just how much having her in my life really matters…

So today Mrs Angell, on your 30th Birthday i simply say…

To my dearest sister,

Thank you.

Love from a sister that will never be able to find enough of the right words to ever thank you for all that you have been for her.

Please help me to thank my beautiful sister by RT this post, and wishing @MrsAngell a wonderful 30th Birthday!

We love you lady! (More than you’ll ever know…)

A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost. Anon