Thirty -Two Weeks. 56 days to go…

I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day at Ready To Be A Mom and i couldnt help but love her post on childhood memories… The truth in what she shared was so inspiring, and it really too made me remember the day i was forced to know that i wasnt a child anymore, and that fairy tales wernt real… But again at that point knowing that you want to be a mother because it means you can relive all the magic and wonder that innocence brings… So Today i share with you, just as Holly shared with us, a few of the things that make us who we are today…

1. Where/when you born? Brisbane, Australia
2. Were you born first, second, etc.? Second of two, i am the ‘little spoil one’
3. What was your first pet? An axolotl named yogi, i was never allowed a cat so the walking fish had to do
4. Was there a gift you really wanted for Christmas that you never received? My two front teeth, i used to sing that silly song for about 4 years… When i was very little i knocked my front teeth out and they never grew back for years!
5. Did you have any imaginary friends? Not that i could remember….
6. What were your favorite books? Baby Sitters Club Little Sisters
7. What did you wanna be when you grew up? A florist… I used to love flowers
8. Favorite after-school, never-missed shows? Hmmm when i was real little, play school and Sesame Street, when i was older – The Bold and the Beautiful…
9. What was your favorite toy? Woofie, my pound puppy
10. What was your first best friend’s name? Kimberley, we meet in preschool when she wet her pants and  lent her my spare ones… Or was that the other way round? We were friends until grade 5
11. Broken any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid? The only bone in my body that has ever been broken is my left index finger.  My sister sat on it and snapped it in half when i was 12… Thanx @MrsAngell!
12. Did you play house or pretend to be a super hero? Yup, we had cubby houses made out of sheets and cushions, and i had a cape that my mom made me.
13. Were you romantically involved with someone as a pre-teen? No, i was a boy friendless looser
14. Did you get along with your parents growing up? I can only remember the good times i had with my mother, and i remember being the favorite with my father… There were of course times when we hated each other, when i wasnt allowed to do the things i wanted, when we yelled and screamed… But over all we got along…
15. Were you involved in any extra-curricular activities? I was a brownie – does that count? Do they even have that anymore?
16. What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying? The first cd i bought with my own money was in 1999 and i am sure it was Pink…
17. Did you ever fall in love with someone in high school? I feel in love with many people in high school, its just a pity they all hated me!
18. What was the best thing you remember about your grandparents? Crumpets with brown sugar on them for breakfast.
19. What was your favorite home cooked dinner as a child? Beef Croquettes
20. Did you enjoy your childhood? Early childhood yes, late childhood no…

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. Deepak Chopra

Twenty-Four Weeks. Four Days. Day 174 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Earlier this year, much earlier this year, much earlier in my pregnancy, we had to face a decision – Private health care or public health care…

We made the decision to stick with public, to spare the expense and to believe that we would get the best care no matter what we paid…

And i have to say, i do not regret that decision, not at all, not one bit.

During the past few months i have been cared for better than i expected, better than i would have thought, but i do have to say that there have been a few situations that have lead me to think that maybe private health would have its advantages, maybe would have been better, but then i wonder, well maybe it would be the same?

There are a few things that i dont like about my hospital visits, a few things that may lead me to trouble for pointing them out, a few things that i wonder would be the same if i were waiting and being cared for in a little private doctors office.

Number one, is the waiting rooms…  Back in the days of the IVF clinic i was privileged to have access to fruit, bottled water, and sandwiches… Now i dont want to sound like a snob – even though i know i am – but at the hospital they dont even have one of those water dispenses that go in a paper cup, they have a water fountain! Yes that is right, a water fountain, someone tell me what pregnant woman is going to bend over, splash water over her face, just to get a sip of water? And before you tell me to suck it up and buy a bottle of water, i always do!

My second thing that i hate about the waiting rooms is the video they play over and over and over again…  It is about the importance of breast feeding, now i know it is important, but do we have to watch a movie about it, which of course has boobs poking out all over the place every second frame… hmm and again yes before you tell me to suck it up and look away, i do that already…

And the third thing i hate about the waiting rooms is the waiting time! I understand the system is busy, but argh… Last time i was waiting for hours!  I almost thought i was forgotten about!

Now before i go on i have to admit these things are unimportant and in most cases i have had the best care i could have asked for in my situation, but there is a few things that scare me about the future, and i wish i knew what to expect, maybe i will find out soon, maybe it wont really matter, but needless to say it does scare me just a little bit…

As i go to a teaching hospital, some of the time i have a student looking after me, which normally doesnt concern me, however last month, the day where i was waiting for ages, i had a student look after me, it was the appointment after i had bad swelling, and i guess all i needed was reassurance, however after the student looked after me, reported to the registrar (which i heard every word of, referring to me as ‘the patient’) who basically told the student infront of me that the swelling means nothing… he didnt talk to me, didnt acknowledge me… just basically displayed a look that made me feel like i had overreacted…. and just to add to my fears, the registrar was very young looking himself…

My last appointment was with the head obstetrician, and her words were reassuring….

It just often feels like you are waiting for hours, just to see a doctor who has only seconds for you and your miracle… I just wonder if it is the same in private?  Do the doctors have more time for you?  Do they listen a little more, reassure you a little more… Did i make a choice because it seemed like the only option?  Not becuase it was the best choice for us?

And what about the birth?  Will there be adequate people to look after me, to look after my baby if something happens?  I am sure my mind is just playing tricks on me, i have seen the public system and what it can offer positively, when i needed it most i have had people there to care for me – but it took hours to see someone, and it really has made me wonder, what if i dont have hours to wait?

Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. Keri Russell

Sixteen Weeks, six days. Day 119 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Yesterday after i got over all the excitement of all the things we bought on Saturday, i began freaking out a little, not because this is real, not because of anything to serious, but because i realised for a breif moment, I HAVE NO IDEA!

Yup, i mean, decorating a room is defiantly my thing, i have a diploma in interior design and colour, so i know what i am doing there, but what about the other things?

You know, the little things… A bath? Bottles, one of those bouncy seats, play mats… Well i mean what do you need, and what is just not nesassary?  We were goig to ask the sales lady, but then hesitated because we worried that we would just be sold a bunch of stuff that we didnt need.   Yes i have friends and family who have told me so much information (all different of course) i am just not sure what is the stuff to get, and what is just a waste…

Oh and speaking of little things, do they teach you in the prenatal classed how to look after a baby?  I mean we went to puppy school to learn how to look after the puppy, so what about the baby?  They need their ears cleaned too, and their nails clipped…

I know i have lots of people to support me, and so much time yet to find out about all this stuff, but i am scared – just a tinny bit – that i will be told so much different information – i am already being told so much information – i wont know what to do with it all!

When you think about it, i mean really think about it all, it is quite daunting, exciting, but really daunting at the same time – EKKK in 5 months ill be a mom! I think i need help!

To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it – who can say this is not greatness? William Makepeace Thackeray

Twelve weeks, four days. Day 90 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Day 66 i was so lost and confused, i was hurting and confusion surrounded me, i didnt know what to do and i was scared that i was doing the wrong thing, i just didnt know if i was doing the right thing anymore.  Did i want to do one final cycle, or was that it?

My heart desired a child so much, but everyone was telling me to stop, that what i was doing wasnt good for me anymore.  I was torn between what i wanted, and what i was told was best for me, and all i could do was cry.

That same day i had an appointment with the doctor, and that is truly where this story of faith begins.  After my visit with the doctor i realised that i could take my confusion away, i realised that i could put my hands in the air and say, it is not up to me anymore, i could had over the decision.  No i didnt ask the doctor what to do, i simply put the decision in Gods hands.

For those of you who have trouble finding faith, or believing in miracles, hear me out.  You see to being the last cycle, i had to bleed, however due to the Christmas break the bleed had to begin within the week.  The doctor had prescribed a high dose of of provera to kick start the cycle, however as i drove home i decided that i was not going to take it.

In all my doubt and in all my fears i stopped the car, closed my eyes and prayed harder than i have ever prayed before.  I remember clear as day saying, if i am meant to continue this one last time than i will bleed on my own.  I started the car and drove straight home.

I had no cramps, no pain, no symptoms – but that Friday afternoon, i bleed and the final cycle began.

I dont care that people told me it was a coincidence, for me it was enough to feel confident in my decision, for me it was enough to find my faith once again.  And as i told my story the next day to a dear friend, i remember he said to me “Dont get your hopes up, but if this one works, then i will have to reevaluate”

Today as i remember my story and i remember my confusion, my prayer, and the conversations that followed, i say “so do you now believe?”

Yes i have been scared, and yes i have had doubts, and yes there have been times when the pain was so unbearable i questioned my faith and my beliefs, but today i have to sit here and scream out that there is hope.

I know in my years to come that there will be times where i once again question my faith, and i know there will be times once again when i wonder why, but i will never forget this story, and i will never forget my desperate prayer that was answered and took away my doubt.

A choice was given to me, i asked for help, i prayed for a miracle time and time again, and finally i put it in Gods hands and i received.

As hard as it was, as much as it hurt, as much as i wanted to do this on my own, as much as i wanted to fix this problem, as much as i prayed and begged and cried and hurt, as much as i did, i just had to hold onto my faith, and believe in miracles.

And now i say to you “Do you believe in miracles?  Do you have faith? Because faith isn’t faith until it is all you are holding onto.”

For this child i prayed 1 Samuel 1:27

Limbo Land Day Eight

92 days ago i posted my first top ten you know the one – The top ten things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment… Well as the days have progressed, i am learning that there are more and more things that really should be added to that list, and as such i am now adding number 11 to that list:

11. Are you prepared for Limbo Land?

11a. limbo land is defined by the English dictionary as the period of time between when a blood test reveals a positive human chorionic gonadotropin count, and the second blood test where the HGC count must be higher.

11b. We have included a list below of things that MUST not be done while in the limbo land phase.  Failure to follow this list will cause a brain overload of epic proportions…

1. DO NOT Google – there is scientific research indicating that prolonged Dr Googleing causes un nessasary stress
2. DO NOT look at yourself in the mirror poking your belly out wondering what if anything is in there
3. DO NOT pick up a calendar
4. DO NOT poke your boobs
5. DO NOT pee on a stick
6. DO NOT analyze smells wondering if you would normally smell those smells
7. DO NOT think you feel sick, if you are pregnant nausea is still a couple of weeks out
8. DO NOT yet sign up to a pregnancy website
9. DO NOT stare at pregnant ladies, stare at babies, stare at children, stare into oblivion… stop staring, and most importantly,
10. DO NOT think, just switch of your brain, distract yourself, do anything you can to avoid thinking – for it is the thinking that will only send you insane!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein