I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day at Ready To Be A Mom and i couldnt help but love her post on childhood memories... The truth in what she shared was so inspiring, and it really too made me remember the day i was forced to know that i wasnt a child anymore, and that fairy tales wernt real... But again at that point knowing that you want to be a mother because it means you can relive all the magic and wonder that innocence brings... So Today i share with you, just as Holly shared with us, a few of the things that make us who we are today...

1. Where/when you born? Brisbane, Australia
2. Were you born first, second, etc.? Second of two, i am the 'little spoil one'
3. What was your first pet? An axolotl named yogi, i was never allowed a cat so the walking fish had to do
4. Was there a gift you really wanted for Christmas that you never received? My two front teeth, i used to sing that silly song for about 4 years... When i was very little i knocked my front teeth out and they never grew back for years!
5. Did you have any imaginary friends? Not that i could remember....
6. What were your favorite books? Baby Sitters Club Little Sisters
7. What did you wanna be when you grew up? A florist... I used to love flowers
8. Favorite after-school, never-missed shows? Hmmm when i was real little, play school and Sesame Street, when i was older - The Bold and the Beautiful...
9. What was your favorite toy? Woofie, my pound puppy
10. What was your first best friend's name? Kimberley, we meet in preschool when she wet her pants and  lent her my spare ones... Or was that the other way round? We were friends until grade 5
11. Broken any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid? The only bone in my body that has ever been broken is my left index finger.  My sister sat on it and snapped it in half when i was 12... Thanx @MrsAngell!
12. Did you play house or pretend to be a super hero? Yup, we had cubby houses made out of sheets and cushions, and i had a cape that my mom made me.
13. Were you romantically involved with someone as a pre-teen? No, i was a boy friendless looser
14. Did you get along with your parents growing up? I can only remember the good times i had with my mother, and i remember being the favorite with my father... There were of course times when we hated each other, when i wasnt allowed to do the things i wanted, when we yelled and screamed... But over all we got along...
15. Were you involved in any extra-curricular activities? I was a brownie - does that count? Do they even have that anymore?
16. What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying? The first cd i bought with my own money was in 1999 and i am sure it was Pink...
17. Did you ever fall in love with someone in high school? I feel in love with many people in high school, its just a pity they all hated me!
18. What was the best thing you remember about your grandparents? Crumpets with brown sugar on them for breakfast.
19. What was your favorite home cooked dinner as a child? Beef Croquettes
20. Did you enjoy your childhood? Early childhood yes, late childhood no...

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. Deepak Chopra

It is the waiting game again... I guess it is the same waiting game, and i guess that it is as expected but it is still the same waiting game...

Sometimes the most expected of outcomes still makes you feel the same as news that would change everything... Sometimes the most expected outcomes doesnt really reasure you like you had hoped, but mearly steers you on the same path as you were already on...

Which is fine...

However i am the kind of person who likes to know what is what, who likes to know when things are happening, i am the girl who is always on time and who plans things ahead... So for me IVF, the waiting game, and everything associated with the unknown of birth and not being able to plan anything is really starting to freak me out, or rather i should say test my patience...

Todays scan went as expected... George has grown (YEY!) but only 300grms... Which means my little miracle is still in the 10th percentile... Whatever that means... And as expected, i will be scanned in another 2 weeks and we will go from there...

Today as we listened to the doctor explain in that amazing way that all great doctors do, you know the tone that says - dont be to worried, but be concerned enough - i realsied that this time, i am not going to know until i know, that i am going to have to find all the patience i have inside of me, and play this waiting game for just that little bit longer...

My miracle may be taken out early, my miracle may make it to full term, we just have to wait and see... But as the waiting game continues, as the not knowing game continues, it aso takes a step further today... As george is upside down...

I know its not too late, we have until 36 weeks before it becomes a definate decision, before george has to be 'in position', but again we were told expected outcomes and again the not knowing continues... This time to whether or not i will or will not be having a c-section... What will be the safest for my little miracle...

I know it will be ok, i know in the end that everything will be ok... I will have a tiny little miracle in my arms and the waiting, the not knowing, it will have all been worth it... I already know in my heart that it is worth it...

But it is a waiting game... A long and windey road....

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. Anon

Earlier this year, much earlier this year, much earlier in my pregnancy, we had to face a decision - Private health care or public health care...

We made the decision to stick with public, to spare the expense and to believe that we would get the best care no matter what we paid...

And i have to say, i do not regret that decision, not at all, not one bit.

During the past few months i have been cared for better than i expected, better than i would have thought, but i do have to say that there have been a few situations that have lead me to think that maybe private health would have its advantages, maybe would have been better, but then i wonder, well maybe it would be the same?

There are a few things that i dont like about my hospital visits, a few things that may lead me to trouble for pointing them out, a few things that i wonder would be the same if i were waiting and being cared for in a little private doctors office.

Number one, is the waiting rooms...  Back in the days of the IVF clinic i was privileged to have access to fruit, bottled water, and sandwiches... Now i dont want to sound like a snob - even though i know i am - but at the hospital they dont even have one of those water dispenses that go in a paper cup, they have a water fountain! Yes that is right, a water fountain, someone tell me what pregnant woman is going to bend over, splash water over her face, just to get a sip of water? And before you tell me to suck it up and buy a bottle of water, i always do!

My second thing that i hate about the waiting rooms is the video they play over and over and over again...  It is about the importance of breast feeding, now i know it is important, but do we have to watch a movie about it, which of course has boobs poking out all over the place every second frame... hmm and again yes before you tell me to suck it up and look away, i do that already...

And the third thing i hate about the waiting rooms is the waiting time! I understand the system is busy, but argh... Last time i was waiting for hours!  I almost thought i was forgotten about!

Now before i go on i have to admit these things are unimportant and in most cases i have had the best care i could have asked for in my situation, but there is a few things that scare me about the future, and i wish i knew what to expect, maybe i will find out soon, maybe it wont really matter, but needless to say it does scare me just a little bit...

As i go to a teaching hospital, some of the time i have a student looking after me, which normally doesnt concern me, however last month, the day where i was waiting for ages, i had a student look after me, it was the appointment after i had bad swelling, and i guess all i needed was reassurance, however after the student looked after me, reported to the registrar (which i heard every word of, referring to me as 'the patient') who basically told the student infront of me that the swelling means nothing... he didnt talk to me, didnt acknowledge me... just basically displayed a look that made me feel like i had overreacted.... and just to add to my fears, the registrar was very young looking himself...

My last appointment was with the head obstetrician, and her words were reassuring....

It just often feels like you are waiting for hours, just to see a doctor who has only seconds for you and your miracle... I just wonder if it is the same in private?  Do the doctors have more time for you?  Do they listen a little more, reassure you a little more... Did i make a choice because it seemed like the only option?  Not becuase it was the best choice for us?

And what about the birth?  Will there be adequate people to look after me, to look after my baby if something happens?  I am sure my mind is just playing tricks on me, i have seen the public system and what it can offer positively, when i needed it most i have had people there to care for me - but it took hours to see someone, and it really has made me wonder, what if i dont have hours to wait?

Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. Keri Russell

Yesterday after i got over all the excitement of all the things we bought on Saturday, i began freaking out a little, not because this is real, not because of anything to serious, but because i realised for a breif moment, I HAVE NO IDEA!

Yup, i mean, decorating a room is defiantly my thing, i have a diploma in interior design and colour, so i know what i am doing there, but what about the other things?

You know, the little things... A bath? Bottles, one of those bouncy seats, play mats... Well i mean what do you need, and what is just not nesassary?  We were goig to ask the sales lady, but then hesitated because we worried that we would just be sold a bunch of stuff that we didnt need.   Yes i have friends and family who have told me so much information (all different of course) i am just not sure what is the stuff to get, and what is just a waste...

Oh and speaking of little things, do they teach you in the prenatal classed how to look after a baby?  I mean we went to puppy school to learn how to look after the puppy, so what about the baby?  They need their ears cleaned too, and their nails clipped...

I know i have lots of people to support me, and so much time yet to find out about all this stuff, but i am scared - just a tinny bit - that i will be told so much different information - i am already being told so much information - i wont know what to do with it all!

When you think about it, i mean really think about it all, it is quite daunting, exciting, but really daunting at the same time - EKKK in 5 months ill be a mom! I think i need help!

To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it - who can say this is not greatness? William Makepeace Thackeray

I believe i have mentioned before that i think naming a baby is a huge responsibility...  I mean if you think about it, you are giving someone something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives...

And as we drove down to the furniture shop my husband and i had a little discussion...

It has to be cute enough to suit a little baby, normal enough to get your child through primary and then high school without being teased, or without the name becoming anything other than what it is, then the name has to be smart enough, or should i say reflect intellegance enough to get your child through college and into carrer....

I am just going to say it, there is a lot ridding on a name.  And it may seem that i am being very, hmmm trying to think of the right word, very vain.  It may seem like i believe choosing the right name will change my miracles personality, or belief in him/herself, but if you think about it, it is in some situations true.

If i child is teased at school because of their name, will that not effect their personality?  If a name is too 'cute' or 'weird' will that not effect the way they are looked upon by peers?  I know that when a child becomes an adult these influences disappear, but by that stage, maybe my child wont like their name anymore, maybe all the teasing and carring on over a name would have made them hate it, or wish for another...To me, that is an influence on a lifetime... but, maybe i am wrong.

On  the other hand, there maybe a name you like, however you know of someone that you dislike with that name, you therefore wont use that name. I find that aspect funny as well, if you know someone, and dont like the person, you instantly dont like the name, why is that? For fear that the name will change the personality?  Maybe? Maybe not.

So what is in a name, and will it affect a personality, and if you have named a child, how did you go about it?  It is like an endless circle, a decision that has to be made, a choice that you cant take back, something that influences three people...

Integrity: A name is the blueprint of the thing we call character. You ask, What's in a name? I answer, Just about everything you do. Morris Mandel

Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting....

I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.

I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.

It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.

This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.

How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?

Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?

I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.

I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.

I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

I am frustrated.

The other day i had a friend begin to tell me what to do, it was indirect and put in the form of a question, but she was defiantly telling me what to do... "Should you have done this..."  In another situation i was asked what to do, i answered that i would look after it, and it was done (very unhappily) by that person anyway.

In a another lifetime i used to have a friend, a best friend - well a frienamy - who just HAD to tell me what to do, after years and years of trying to disagree, or say that i would take her advise, i gave up and used to just agree to do what she said, for fear of  'getting in trouble'.

Latley i feel like everyone is my boss, i feel like screaming out loud "why do you think you can boss me around?"

I understand authority and i respect it where it is due, but in some situations it seems that my colleagues and friends, i feel, want to be my boss, take over from what i am doing, rather than just lending a helping hand.

I feel like i am a pushover.

I understand that in some situations are trying to help, however if you are trying to help, shouldnt an "i'll think about it" or an "i'll look after that" be enough?

If you are my friend shouldnt you understand that if the advice you are giving isnt quite right for me, then i dont have to take it, that i am capable of making the right choices in my life?

Shouldnt it be understood that we may not agree, but just because we dont agree doesnt mean we need to have an argument...

In my beliefs a friend or colleague should understand your personality - if they respect you, if they understand who you are, then they should know that what you do or dont do is your choice... But for me it seems that people just feel the need to be my boss.

The way i see it is life is not about who is in charge, life is about team work, about helping one another to get tasks done, to get problems solved and to lend a helping hand when it is needed, to be a friend, not a superior.

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Day 66 i was so lost and confused, i was hurting and confusion surrounded me, i didnt know what to do and i was scared that i was doing the wrong thing, i just didnt know if i was doing the right thing anymore.  Did i want to do one final cycle, or was that it?

My heart desired a child so much, but everyone was telling me to stop, that what i was doing wasnt good for me anymore.  I was torn between what i wanted, and what i was told was best for me, and all i could do was cry.

That same day i had an appointment with the doctor, and that is truly where this story of faith begins.  After my visit with the doctor i realised that i could take my confusion away, i realised that i could put my hands in the air and say, it is not up to me anymore, i could had over the decision.  No i didnt ask the doctor what to do, i simply put the decision in Gods hands.

For those of you who have trouble finding faith, or believing in miracles, hear me out.  You see to being the last cycle, i had to bleed, however due to the Christmas break the bleed had to begin within the week.  The doctor had prescribed a high dose of of provera to kick start the cycle, however as i drove home i decided that i was not going to take it.

In all my doubt and in all my fears i stopped the car, closed my eyes and prayed harder than i have ever prayed before.  I remember clear as day saying, if i am meant to continue this one last time than i will bleed on my own.  I started the car and drove straight home.

I had no cramps, no pain, no symptoms - but that Friday afternoon, i bleed and the final cycle began.

I dont care that people told me it was a coincidence, for me it was enough to feel confident in my decision, for me it was enough to find my faith once again.  And as i told my story the next day to a dear friend, i remember he said to me "Dont get your hopes up, but if this one works, then i will have to reevaluate"

Today as i remember my story and i remember my confusion, my prayer, and the conversations that followed, i say "so do you now believe?"

Yes i have been scared, and yes i have had doubts, and yes there have been times when the pain was so unbearable i questioned my faith and my beliefs, but today i have to sit here and scream out that there is hope.

I know in my years to come that there will be times where i once again question my faith, and i know there will be times once again when i wonder why, but i will never forget this story, and i will never forget my desperate prayer that was answered and took away my doubt.

A choice was given to me, i asked for help, i prayed for a miracle time and time again, and finally i put it in Gods hands and i received.

As hard as it was, as much as it hurt, as much as i wanted to do this on my own, as much as i wanted to fix this problem, as much as i prayed and begged and cried and hurt, as much as i did, i just had to hold onto my faith, and believe in miracles.

And now i say to you "Do you believe in miracles?  Do you have faith? Because faith isn't faith until it is all you are holding onto."

For this child i prayed 1 Samuel 1:27

I thought I was okay.

I thought that I knew how to survive without her, and I thought that 16 years without a mum was enough time for the pain to heal and for the need of a mum to leave.

But I was wrong.

Through my tears and through my pain I uttered the four words I never imagined I would ever say out loud; I cried “I want my mum”

Sometimes, time just isn’t enough to heal the pain of losing someone you loved with everything that was inside of you, sometimes the pain stays with you, and sometimes through your hardships you learn that saying goodbye just isn’t enough.  I thought that I was okay, but last year I learnt that sometimes you simply need a mum.

This year I can’t run for my mum, but my heart will race, and I will walk for her.

I will remember what I had, and I will remember all that I have, and I will gather my family, my friends, and any soul that understands my pain, and I will walk.

I will walk for the mother I lost, I will walk for all the women who lost their battles every day, and I will walk for all the pain I see in every daughter, every sister, in every mother, every partner, and in every family member or friend, that have to watch someone they know go through something so awful as breast cancer...

This year we walk to raise money for all the tears shed, and for all the souls out there who have had to say good bye to the one person they never thought they would.

Help save someone’s lifetime, and put a smile on a new mothers face.

Sponsor “We run for mum 2010”

In honour of Jenny Bowen 1954 – 1994

Last year my sister and I raised $3,618.00 for breast cancer by running the Mothers Day Classic fun... We joined together with friends and family to spread the word, and too let people know that there is something that we can do to help.

My sister and I suffered the loss of our mother 16 years ago and today I ask from the bottom of my heart for a donation, no matter how small...

Donate here

Join our team here and make sure you select the team “We run for mum”

Please find it in your heart to pass this simple message along to your friends.

92 days ago i posted my first top ten you know the one - The top ten things they should warn you before your first IVF appointment... Well as the days have progressed, i am learning that there are more and more things that really should be added to that list, and as such i am now adding number 11 to that list:

11. Are you prepared for Limbo Land?

11a. limbo land is defined by the English dictionary as the period of time between when a blood test reveals a positive human chorionic gonadotropin count, and the second blood test where the HGC count must be higher.

11b. We have included a list below of things that MUST not be done while in the limbo land phase.  Failure to follow this list will cause a brain overload of epic proportions...

1. DO NOT Google - there is scientific research indicating that prolonged Dr Googleing causes un nessasary stress
2. DO NOT look at yourself in the mirror poking your belly out wondering what if anything is in there
3. DO NOT pick up a calendar
4. DO NOT poke your boobs
5. DO NOT pee on a stick
6. DO NOT analyze smells wondering if you would normally smell those smells
7. DO NOT think you feel sick, if you are pregnant nausea is still a couple of weeks out
8. DO NOT yet sign up to a pregnancy website
9. DO NOT stare at pregnant ladies, stare at babies, stare at children, stare into oblivion... stop staring, and most importantly,
10. DO NOT think, just switch of your brain, distract yourself, do anything you can to avoid thinking - for it is the thinking that will only send you insane!

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

To be honest i am tired and i have been sitting here for about ten minutes now looking and thinking about what to write about.... And i think tonight i am going to be a little boring...

And to be doubly honest, i was being a hypocrite and using my arch enemy Dr Google... That's right folks... I am a victim of Dr Google...  I was just looking at progesterone and why i am actually using it...

Fascinating really when i Googled "what does progesterone do during ivf" my clinic's FAQ page came up! Why didnt i think of that? Thank you Dr Google! Deeerrrr to me...

So what does it do? Because the constantness of 'what goes in must come out' is really putting a downer on my morning walks... ( Day Fifty Three of 100 – What was to be an “interesting” walk )

It turns out that when you ovulate normally your ovaries produce progesterone which makes the uterus ready for implantation " Low progesterone can cause implantation failure, as its role is to vascularise and maintain the uterine lining where implantation takes place. There are two types of progesterone supplementation: progesterone vaginal pessaries, and Crinone (progesterone) vaginal gel... Progesterone, even in the form of over-the- counter creams, should not be taken before ovulation because it can block ovulation and make the cervical mucus difficult for the sperm to penetrate. Crinone and pessaries deliver progesterone in a more effective manner than oral supplementation.  Be aware that Crinone is quite expensive and progesterone pessaries melt and discharge vaginally." There you have it, something they do not tell you when you get the pessaries... They melt and discharge... nice, and thats why my walks have been so fantastic (insert sarcasum here)

But at least i know now what it is used for and why i must continue!

And in my tired state i once more say...

Repeat after me, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it....

"When the world shouts 'give up', hope whispers' try one more time'" Anon

This is our story, this is our life.

This story is created by us, our decisions to make, our hearts that will ultimately ache.  This story is ours alone, and these decisions, they are the ones that we must own.  Our happiness and our sadness, our questions with no answers.  They are our emotions to question, and our questions to leave unanswered.

So attempt not to judge, and attempt not to deam what is reasonable and unreasonable, as we choose what we can handle and we choose to live the only way we know how...

We choose live our lives with hope in our hearts, each day knowing that tomorrow the sadness will be happiness, and these questions we pose will finally have answers...  And they will be our answers and our happiness, as once again i say that this is our story to tell, and our life we have lived together, and the life we will share forever.

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.  It is one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it is anouther to think that yours is the only path." Paulo Coelho

I am a christian, i believe in God and i trust that there is a plan for me out there, that for some reason there is an explanation behind my infertility.  That this is meant to make me a stronger person or something, my boss has told me on many occasions that i need to find the "gift" in this - i wish, what possible gift could come of this, what could i possibly learn from this? What reason is there behind denying a woman the right to conceive and carry a child? Will someone tell me where God is now?

It says in the good book that no womb shall be barren (or something along the lines of that) and i believe that one day i will be pregnant, that God is behind all this, and i believe that these thoughts that God has deserted me will pass, but at this very moment, and this point in time, i truly feel like God has forgotten about me... Why am i so confused, why does this torment me so? And why oh why does it hurt so very much?

I know that i am not perfect, i know that i am no better than anyone else, but i live my life honestly and healthily.  I exercise every day, i eat rabbit food for lunch and dinner for pete's sake!  I've never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never abused my body in any manner, never been a slut, never had an abortion, my worst habit would be caffeine and gum... so again i ask WHY ME?

I sit here and i am just really feeling sorry for myself, and i know that after a good nights sleep i will find my faith again, but why is the world against me? What on earth have i done to deserve this crap? Or why do i sit here wondering why everyone else can have babies and i can't? (even though i know that last comment isn't true) or why do crack whores get babies and i don't? Or why on earth don't i get to have a mother, nor do i get to be a mother?  And why can't i just snap out of it, and forget about having babies altogether and live my life without them.  Or why was it me that drove past a woman with a child in a pram, a child holding onto the pram, she was about 8 months pregnant and smoking... could i NOT have noticed that? PL-EA-SE oh God!

I believe in God and everything that he offers to me, like my husband says - its what gets me through, but right now i am angry so very angry - and im not sure if that is allowed, but i am.  I want to cry out to the heavens and ask what the point of living your life as a good little christian girl is, doing work for charity, never doing drugs, never hurting anyone intentially, always trying the best you can, if what feels like God just throwing the whole thing back in your face and basically saying "I'd rather a drug addict raise one of my children then you"  its not what i believe in my heart of hearts, but it is what i feel.... And it makes me scared that such powerful emotions can be felt.