I have never been a heavy sleeper, in fact most of my life i have had trouble sleeping.

For the past 4 or 5 years, i have woken every morning before 5am, my body not letting me sleep any later, i would try, i would lay there of a morning and make myself go back to sleep, but most of the time i would get another half hour and wake again.

My nights used to be filled with tossing and turning, waking up every time the cat moved or my husband rolled over, counting sheep, counting back from 1000, counting the things i could do the next day.

This is now in the past.

Last night for the first time that i can remember, i was dead to the world.  I feel asleep watching tv at about 8pm, and i dont remember a thing until 4.50am this morning.

This is when my husband told me that he had come home at around 9pm, accidentally slammed the door, had a shower with the adjoining door to our bedroom open, stopped the dog from barking, stopped the dog from pouncing, asked me about my day, told me about his day... Fell asleep, and apparently i got up 4 times for bathroom trips...

I dont remember ANY of it!

Where was i? There were no dreams, no faint memories, nothing, just out like a light...

Do normal people sleep like this?  Or is it a pregnancy thing?  Or was it because i have been working long hours?  I honestly felt like i had been drugged for hours, and when i woke up i was all groggy and hazy...

And to be honest right now i feel like i could curl up on the office floor and sleep for a century!

There is only one thing people like that is good for them; a good night's sleep. Edgar Watson Howe

So i have been MIA a little lately - the only way i can explain work at the moment is:

You gotta go nuts. You never know how long this is gonna last. You get in these crazy situations and the only way you can deal with it is to not take it seriously. Anon

100 days ago i made a choice to do one final cycle.  I wrote on my white board in permanent marker - "when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time" And we gave it one more time.

I honestly hoped for a miracle but i told my heart i wouldnt let myself believe it, i told myself that i wouldnt let myself dream and i told myself i wouldnt break down.

But i did.

I hoped like hell, i cried until there were no more tears left, i begged and i pleaded with the Lord, screamed in pain and i cried some more.  I wanted this more than anything else, and i wanted my one last chance to be it.

100 days ago i thought that i would have an answer 68 days ago - 100 days ago i thought that i would no longer need to write and i thought that my 100 day challenge would be over on day 99, i had thought that i would have my final answer and that my journey would not need to continue.

But 100 days ago was just the beginning.  100 days ago was day 1 of the final cycle that would change my life forever, it was the begining of my miracle, and the begining of the rest of our life as a family.

100 days ago, i jumped in one last time for happiness, 100 days ago my prayers were finally answered, and my faith and hope restored.

I will never forget my 100 days of IVF, i will never forget my first 100 days in the quest to chase our little miracle, and i will never forget that when the world shouted give up, hope, love, and true friends whispered one more time.

For without that hope, without love, and without those true friends, there would have never been that one more time, and there may never have been day 100 of the final cycle to chase our little miracle.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. Christopher Reeve

Today i didnt break down, but i cried...

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain...

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive... Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back "nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible" and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

I will not lie, sometimes i forget how far i have come, sometimes i forget how blessed i am, sometimes i forget that all is ok now.... My life takes over and i forget.

But then there are days where i am reminded of who i am and where i have come from, i am reminded that last year was painful, i am reminded that people i know are still hurting just as i hurt, and that in turn reminds me of what i went through to get here.  These things i am reminded of just makes me want to scream out loud, and release all the pain that i am still holding deep inside me.

I know that i am blessed, i know that i have everything that i ever wanted, but for some reason i am still holding onto the pain i went through.

And i know i am doing this, because i have done the same thing with the pain of my mothers passing for the past 16 years.

My question is, where comes the point where we release our grief? Is there a point? Am i holding onto something that should now be a distant memory?

Most of the time, i believe that not forgetting the pain, makes us stronger.  Reminds us that we survived and that we can handle what is thrown at us, but maybe i am wrong, maybe holding on makes me weaker.

When i am sad, when i have lost hope, i draw on places of sadness, play a song that reminds me, and i let myself fall apart.  Is this unhealthy? Should i not let myself be reminded of the pain?  Is breaking down, remembering my grief, both in my mothers death, and in the struggles i faced to fall pregnant, make me the fool, or does it make me wiser by reminding me of who i am?

Does my pain make me who i am? Or does it take away from who i am?

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it...

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read... Well that was even nerdier... But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book...

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter 'followers'.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my 'real' friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you've never tried...

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just 'nerdy' that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news... and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer 'yes, that its exactly why i started this' (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger...

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy... But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news - thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine - thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a - thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry...  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say - i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking... No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your 'real' friends text you and simply say 'are you ok *HUGS*' ?

I know i have maybe one or two 'real' friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 'followers' that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

To my dearest little miracle,

I have been thinking of you a lot lately, and dreaming of your future.  The day i realise you have grown up, and your life is beginning to become your own, well my miracle, that is the day you will read my letters.  And I want you to know these words are true, and i want you to know that my love for you will never end, not even on the day i die.

I am sorry if i smuggled you too much, and i am sorry if i was too over protective.  My miracle i am sorry if  you think it is all too much, but i went through hell and back to meet you and to be with you, and that is why i tell you i love you too often, but know in your heart that it doesnt mean i mean it any less.

My miracle, i want you to know that life is so fragile, i see to much pain everyday, i see people who dont realise what they have, and i see people who who have nothing at all...

In this unpredictable world you have to learn never to take anything for granted, and too tell those you love, that you love them with all of your heart.  I sit here in the pouring rain scared to death that i wont be there for you when you need me, and i am scared that you will be alone in your darkest hours, like i sometimes felt i was.

My miracle, i will say it again, i am sorry if i smuggled you too much, if i still smuggle you too much, but little one, when you are hurting, i will hurt too, when you are smiling i will be smiling too, and when you need me, i will be there right by your side, giving you everything that you need.

With every once of love that is inside of me,

Love from a mother that will be.

The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you

Okay so i just saw this post at Ahh my married life... Who checked it out from Ready to be a Mom.  Two TOTALLY awesome people... and well i thought i might jump on the band wagon and let you guys know what i have done in my short but sweet life time

You can join in too! I'd love to know what you have done that i havent

Instructions: The post is a list of 99 things you could have done, and you are supposed to bold the ones that you yourself have done.

1. Started your own blog... and where would i be without it?
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain - yes there were tears!
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - LIVED THERE!
13. Watched a lightning storm - every summer...
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch - is long distance running an art?
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - did i mention that i lived there?
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight - last night, with my puppy
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - my husband came home from a long trip away, it was like 5 years ago!
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon - not yet! you just wait, it is in the works!
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - im sure i must have done that while i lived over there...
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - If it is one this i have learnt, money is not happiness
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling -- snorkeling, who hasnt?
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - does a home made movie for drama class count?
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone - my sister sat on my finger and snapped it in half!
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper -- last year, my sister and i's team "we run for mum" featured in the paper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby - six months!
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee - and found out i was allergic to them!

WOW, never forget where you came from and what you have done in your life...

When the storm clouds cover ever ounce of hope you have left, when you are in deeper than you have ever been before, when nothing makes sense, and everything is against you, remember these three things:

1. Courage - The quality of mind that enables a person to face difficulty without fear and with bravery.
2. Love - knowing that no matter how dark your cloud, no matter how heavy your heart, no matter what, love will get you though.  There is a man on the other side of the bed who will stick by you no matter what happens. And,
3. Hope - Nothing can be done without hope.  For I know then plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and hope.  Jeremiah 29:11

Faith is knowing that the the sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light.

IVF - It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens...

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted...

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well.... It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision...

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo's is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about...

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze...

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

Guess what? It's a give away! WOOT!

And i might just add, my first!  But what could it possibly be? Well my friends it is an awesome and funky T-shirt, and today i have two to give away! Yes that is right, one t-shirt each to the two most awesomeness people who read this blog

So what is the funky t-shirt design?

Has anyone ever told you to just relax?  And you just wanted to say:

The t-shirts are plain black, with white text, and dont worry, i have a variety of sizes to give away!

The back of the t-shirts have a small design:

So would you like a t-shirt? Its easy! All you have to do is post a comment below

1. Log in in using your twitter account (select the log in drop down box, and choose my twitter account, allow the application to connect to you twitter account)
2. Share it with your twitter friends (select the share drop down box and select my twitter followers)
3. Post your comment, and tell me what has been your favorite blog post so far (if you need a catch up, check out the archives)
4. Re Tweet this post

The two winners will be chosen next sunday 7th March (aussie time!).  Make sure you are following me on twitter so as i can find you!

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Albert Einstein

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sitting here with the cool air on my face, the puppy asleep on my legs, looking at the images of your face from your scan last week.

My own amazement overwhelms me, and i know by the time you are reading my letters, technology will have progressed and my scans will be ancient, but right now, i dont care, the emotions that i feel thinking of the day in six months times when i meet you, well those emotions will never change, no matter how much the world progresses.

I wonder what colour hair you'll have, and i wonder what colour eyes.  I wonder if you will be short or tall, and i wonder if your a boy or a girl... But i also sit here and know that none of that matters, so long and you are happy and healthy, and so long as you are mine...

I cant help but dream of your first day of school, what sport you'll want to play, the times you will cry, and the times you will laugh.  I cant wait to see your first smile, your first tooth, your first step, your first fall, and i cant wait to see your father pick you up in your tears to hold and love you unconditionally.

Nothing can compare to this, nothing will ever compare to the emotions i feel toward you looking at your little face, your little hand, and your little feet... Nothing.  And no matter what happens from this day forth, George, i will always love you.

Love from a mother that will be.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln

Day 66 i was so lost and confused, i was hurting and confusion surrounded me, i didnt know what to do and i was scared that i was doing the wrong thing, i just didnt know if i was doing the right thing anymore.  Did i want to do one final cycle, or was that it?

My heart desired a child so much, but everyone was telling me to stop, that what i was doing wasnt good for me anymore.  I was torn between what i wanted, and what i was told was best for me, and all i could do was cry.

That same day i had an appointment with the doctor, and that is truly where this story of faith begins.  After my visit with the doctor i realised that i could take my confusion away, i realised that i could put my hands in the air and say, it is not up to me anymore, i could had over the decision.  No i didnt ask the doctor what to do, i simply put the decision in Gods hands.

For those of you who have trouble finding faith, or believing in miracles, hear me out.  You see to being the last cycle, i had to bleed, however due to the Christmas break the bleed had to begin within the week.  The doctor had prescribed a high dose of of provera to kick start the cycle, however as i drove home i decided that i was not going to take it.

In all my doubt and in all my fears i stopped the car, closed my eyes and prayed harder than i have ever prayed before.  I remember clear as day saying, if i am meant to continue this one last time than i will bleed on my own.  I started the car and drove straight home.

I had no cramps, no pain, no symptoms - but that Friday afternoon, i bleed and the final cycle began.

I dont care that people told me it was a coincidence, for me it was enough to feel confident in my decision, for me it was enough to find my faith once again.  And as i told my story the next day to a dear friend, i remember he said to me "Dont get your hopes up, but if this one works, then i will have to reevaluate"

Today as i remember my story and i remember my confusion, my prayer, and the conversations that followed, i say "so do you now believe?"

Yes i have been scared, and yes i have had doubts, and yes there have been times when the pain was so unbearable i questioned my faith and my beliefs, but today i have to sit here and scream out that there is hope.

I know in my years to come that there will be times where i once again question my faith, and i know there will be times once again when i wonder why, but i will never forget this story, and i will never forget my desperate prayer that was answered and took away my doubt.

A choice was given to me, i asked for help, i prayed for a miracle time and time again, and finally i put it in Gods hands and i received.

As hard as it was, as much as it hurt, as much as i wanted to do this on my own, as much as i wanted to fix this problem, as much as i prayed and begged and cried and hurt, as much as i did, i just had to hold onto my faith, and believe in miracles.

And now i say to you "Do you believe in miracles?  Do you have faith? Because faith isn't faith until it is all you are holding onto."

For this child i prayed 1 Samuel 1:27

I thought I was okay.

I thought that I knew how to survive without her, and I thought that 16 years without a mum was enough time for the pain to heal and for the need of a mum to leave.

But I was wrong.

Through my tears and through my pain I uttered the four words I never imagined I would ever say out loud; I cried “I want my mum”

Sometimes, time just isn’t enough to heal the pain of losing someone you loved with everything that was inside of you, sometimes the pain stays with you, and sometimes through your hardships you learn that saying goodbye just isn’t enough.  I thought that I was okay, but last year I learnt that sometimes you simply need a mum.

This year I can’t run for my mum, but my heart will race, and I will walk for her.

I will remember what I had, and I will remember all that I have, and I will gather my family, my friends, and any soul that understands my pain, and I will walk.

I will walk for the mother I lost, I will walk for all the women who lost their battles every day, and I will walk for all the pain I see in every daughter, every sister, in every mother, every partner, and in every family member or friend, that have to watch someone they know go through something so awful as breast cancer...

This year we walk to raise money for all the tears shed, and for all the souls out there who have had to say good bye to the one person they never thought they would.

Help save someone’s lifetime, and put a smile on a new mothers face.

Sponsor “We run for mum 2010”

In honour of Jenny Bowen 1954 – 1994

Last year my sister and I raised $3,618.00 for breast cancer by running the Mothers Day Classic fun... We joined together with friends and family to spread the word, and too let people know that there is something that we can do to help.

My sister and I suffered the loss of our mother 16 years ago and today I ask from the bottom of my heart for a donation, no matter how small...

Donate here

Join our team here and make sure you select the team “We run for mum”

Please find it in your heart to pass this simple message along to your friends.

This week my heart has broken in joy, and my heart has broken in pain.

Today i realised some of the pain my sister endured last year.  Today i saw my pain in a good friend, i saw a person who i wished i could help but couldnt.

Today i was helpless, and it hurt me more than i could have ever imagined.

There was nothing i could do, there was nothing i could say, no words that would heal.  I felt the pain i endured, but i knew that was nothing compared to how my friend was suffering.  I could not help, i could not do anything to ease the hurt and the pain that a strong woman was enduring.

For the first time i felt selfish, for the first time i wished that i could share my joy and i wished that there was something, anything that i could have done, or could be doing to help, but i am helpless, and it is breaking my heart.

I want nothing more than happiness for my friend, i want nothing more than than to see her spirit whole again, but i am helpless, and when i think of my helplessness i finally understand the other side, i finally understand just how much pain the people i loved went through last year....

I dont know what to say, i dont know what to do. Nothing i can say will help my friend, and nothing i can do will help either.... Honestly it is breaking my heart, and i dont know just what to do... What can i do?

What-can-i-do?

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless. G. K. Chesterton