This isn’t the story of a hero rising from the depths of the earth to save the world, and this isn’t a story filled with magic and wonder, this is merely the story of a girl who simply wanted a baby, a girl who would have given everything to be a mum, the story of a girl chasing a miracle…
I wish there were just a few words that could simply explain what i went through, but in all honestly everything that i went through, the things that all infertile women go through, deserves more than just a few words….
September 23, 2009 wasnt the first time i realised i was hurting from so far within i didnt know how to express myself, but it was the first time i put my thoughts on paper, or in this case the first day i wrote my thoughts for the world to see in a blog. You see 2009 was by far the hardest year of my life, i didnt know such pain, such longing, such desire, and such internal turmoil existed until that year, until the year that i not only found out i was infertile, but the year i spent Chasing A Miracle with everything there was inside of me.
I wanted a baby, more than anything on this earth, i just wanted a baby, and after four failed IUI’s, one miscarriage, and three rounds of IVF i didnt think i could go on, yet at the same time i didnt think that i could give up on a child that i wanted with everything that was inside of me – to say the least i was cursed with confusion, scared beyond belief, and my mind was so lost down a deep dark tunnel of fear i was sure that no one would ever find me again, that i would never be myself again. But somehow – and i say this so often – somehow, i found the strength to go on, somehow i found enough courage inside of me to give it one last shot. To end 2009 we endeavored on one last IVF cycle, and i am not too sure if i really knew what i was getting myself into, im not quite sure if i was to know what was to come that i would have been strong enough to endure the pain, but i guess that is why the future is the future, and why when we look back on our experiences we realise that it is what we go through in life, the pain that we go through that makes us who we are.
The last day of the worst year of my life, was meant to bring me answers, it was meant to give me an answer so that whatever the case, pregnant or not, i would be able to start the new year knowing where i stood, knowing that i could go on, knowing that i could finally begin to rebuild my life, my personality, and finally begin finding out who i was once again… But it didnt, the end of 2009 and the following 15 days brought me more sadness and turmoil than i ever knew existed, more heartache than any one person deserves to go through. I went through 15 days not knowing if i was going to miscarry the final IVF cycle my husband and i had the strength to face, not knowing if i had a baby growing inside of me or a baby dying inside of me.
But when all my hope was lost, when i thought that no matter what i just wanted the story to end, the pain to be over… My miracle showed herself in all her glory, and on day 115 of what had begun as a 100 day challenge i was told i was pregnant, that there was a life growing inside of me, and that the little life had a heart beat. Finally after so much heart ache after so much pain, finally i was pregnant. But as fate had it, the turmoil didnt stop there… The following 223 days, while being some of the happiest moments in my life, were also some of the hardest moments.
For each time i felt her move around inside of me, there were the hours i wondered why she wasnt moving inside of me. For each exciting step there was always doubt, for each moment of happiness there was always a moment of concern, and for each moment of relief there was always an element of fear. Each day waiting to meet my miracle was a day of excitement and a day of anguish and no matter how hard i tried to look on the sunny side, i always saw the clouds. But it was worth it… It was worth it because after all that anguish and pain on August 25, 2010 i meet my daughter, my miracle baby who i chose to name after my mother.
Every second of pain i endured, every moment of turmoil i continue to re-live in my nightmares was worth it, i would never ever wish to change it. I say this over and over and over, and i will continue saying until the day i am six feet under, the years of 2009 & 2010 made me who I am today, it changed me in ways that people who have never been through heartache, true heartache, could ever understand, it hurt like hell, but with everything inside of me i wouldnt change it, i just wouldnt.
There are times where I still look back and read through the days where I thought there was no escape, times when I sit and stare out into oblivion and just let the tears flow down my checks remembering just what I went through to get to where I am today. I still don’t know why God put me through this, and I still question it everyday, I still look for answers, and I still ask why, and while the pain still exists in the depths of my heart i know that i am one of the lucky ones in this world. There aren’t many times in my life as it is today that I don’t realise just how blessed I am. Each morning now when I wake and look at that same beige walls I have always looked at and I thank god. I thank god for giving me the strength to go on, I thank god for loving me even when I hated him, and I thank god for all that I have in this life. I realise now that I have more than I ever need, throughout that year, throughout the hardest 115 days my life I found out who my true friends were, I found out just how much a relationship built on true love and strong foundations can with stand, and most importantly I learned that some things in life should never be taken for granted.
I wrote a letter to my miracle on September 23, 2009 – The day i became the woman who was Chasing A Miracle.
To my dearest little miracle,
I spent 2009 chasing you, wanting you, needing you. I feel apart; I could not go on, yet I sought you more than anything on this earth. I imagined you everywhere, my pain not stopping until somehow you were inside of me growing into who you have become today. I wanted to believe that you would come to me naturally and I wanted to believe that miracles happened, but I knew in my heart, that if you were to be ours, I would have to try again and again.
Nobody knows the pain and nobody knows the journey like those who have to face IVF. September 23rd 2009 marked 100 days left of the year. Each day of the 100 remaining days I documented my journey as I wanted to share my story with others, so that those who have never traveled this journey know just how blessed they are, and so that those who share my journey know that they are not alone on their path. And so you know that miracles happen, it’s just sometimes they need a helping hand.
Know that your father and I love you more than anything on this earth and no matter what happened, no matter what challenges were thrown our way, we faced the 100 days of IVF chasing a miracle searching for you.
Love always from a mother that may never be.
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