Today i didnt break down, but i cried...

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain...

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive... Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back "nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible" and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper... My sister and i call it the "Bowen trait" and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers... And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said "I do"!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out...

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation - and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up... I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat... But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up... I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first...

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

I love where i live, "beautiful one day, perfect the next" - that is Queensland, Australia for you.  I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)...

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying... We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP's were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state.  And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the "facts" or "reasons" behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable...

But nooooooooooooooo.... These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as "gay couples ordering children like pets" or "same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom" or my favorite so far "This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child." (abc.net) or what about "People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man - or just a man on his own - is identical in law to a mother and father from a child's perspective"

WTF?

"The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements.  Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they're currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting." (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm... As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian  people dont have the right to children... And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages... Cause i will be waiting there with my stones...

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

Have you ever looked at yourself and hated what you looked like, hated how you feel, hated what you had become, just hated it?  Have you ever felt so lost and confused, so up and down, so many emotions that it makes you so confused that you end up hating yourself?

Have you ever just wanted to curl up and cry, cry away your pain, cry till you couldnt cry anymore, cry and scream like no one was watching, cry until it was all ok, and you got what you wanted?

Have you ever woken up and not known who you are anymore, not known how you got to where you were and not know what you will do now? Woken up and felt like you should just go back to sleep, back to a blank screen, back to where everything is possible, and hope is never taken from you, where dreams are created, and where peace is guaranteed?

Have you ever wondered why this journey is such a roller coaster ride, why it couldnt have been easier, and why you were the once chosen to suffer from this kind of pain?  Have you ever just looked out into the sky and wondered when it is exactly that you will get your hope back, when this part of the journey will be over, when this will stop, when you will just be able to forget your woes and smile just because the sky is blue?

Have you ever wondered why yesterday you were ok, and today you are not?  Why yesterday you had the peace of mind that no matter the outcome you would be ok, but today you are scared, lost, and so confused you cant even get out of bed?

Have you ever just wanted to turn the switch off?

Have you ever just wanted nothing more than answers, hope in tomorrow, want to like who you are, wanted this pain to stop, and wanted your life to stop being in limbo land.

Have you ever just wanted one thing, one thing that is the thing you never expected that you would have to beg and plead for?

I just want peace and happiness, to have faith in tomorrow, and to know exactly where i stand in this world, so i can begin to find out who i am once more.

Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away. Robert Fulghum

I have lost hope, and i have lost my spirit, all i constantly think, is i cant take this anymore, i dont understand the pain, and i dont understand why so many people have to go through this and worse, and i hate the fact that going through this has made me bitter, that it has changed me, that i have lost my carefree spirit, i hate all those things and much much more...

I have to have faith i keep telling myself, i have to believe in miracles, i have to believe i will be ok...  That for some stupid reason there is purpose to my pain...

But when will i be ok? When does it stop hurting?  When and how does my mind turn from i hate this, to i believe, from i cant focus on anything else, to i have complete faith?

When will i stop crying myself to sleep?

I want to have faith, but it hurts

I want to be ok, but im not

I want to believe, but all i see is suffering

I need a miracle

I need to see something that will once more make me believe that there is something wonderful out there, a reason, a purpose, something for me to have hope for, something for me to live for.

I need a miracle

I know deep down i want nothing more than to have complete and utter faith...  Faith that i will get over this, faith that my life will go on for the next six months without me questioning my decisions, faith that my relationship will be ok, faith that i will be ok, faith that i will find hope again, faith that my lost spirit will come back to me, faith that i will one day look at myself and like who i see, faith that there are options, and more than anything i want faith that i will one day feel my own child growing inside of me...

But its so hard, it is just so hard...

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and Hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while.  My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over...

But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this.  And again ask where are you God? Where are you now?  How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away... A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies... Then why oh why am i going through this again?  What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again...?

Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early... but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?

This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself ...

If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.

I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time...

I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say - WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?

And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched...

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon

How can i say it is over?

How can i say that i am am giving up?

How can i say that this is it?

I dont know.  But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore.  Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. "i am over it" and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.

I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI's, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore.  I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.

I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI's or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.

I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way...

I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.

I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.

I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.

I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun...

I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.

I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on.  But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.

For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am  - how can i possibly be a mother?

Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses

Once upon a time there was a woman, or maybe she was just a girl with a problem that she wished she could fix on her own.

Long ago, before her battle began, she had a feeling, a feeling that she kept a secret, a feeling, an emotion, a sign, it was something inside, something deep down, something that said not to do what she wanted to do...

She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, to accept and to follow that feeling she had inside, but she didnt want to leave this be, she didnt want to follow her instinct just yet.

Part of the girl now lives in regret, she wishes she had followed her gut, her feeling, her faith... But deep down she knows that this was what it was meant to be, and deep down at the centre of her being, she is happy that she did what she did.  Glad that she is where she is right now, glad that she meet the people she meet along the way.

The problem is now she sits and wonders what would have happened if she had followed that instinct, would she have what she wanted all along? Or would she still be where she is now?  She sits there and wishes she could have lived both realities, and chosen the one she liked better - but she knows that is not the way it works, she knows that she has made her choice and she knows that now she must live with it.

Once upon a time there was a woman, or was she just a girl? A scared girl with a problem she wished she could fix on her own.  She wanted to believe and she wanted to have faith, and she wanted to follow the feeling she had inside, but she didnt, and now 97 days later she realised that this problem wasnt a problem that was meant to be fixed, the feeling wansnt a feeling that was meant to be followed.  It was simply a journey, a lesson, an opening that led her to where she is now...

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination. Don Williams, Jr.

To my dearest little miracle,

Last night your father and i argued.  We have both had enough i think.  Last night i said things i really didnt mean, and i said things that hurt.  I mostly never mean what i say when im hurting and when i am angry, but i am sad to say that there has just been way to much of that latley.

Your father never really talks that much, and sometimes that scares me as i never know what he is really feeling.  He loves me i know that, and i love him more than words will ever express, but right now, this is getting way over our heads.

Your father said something to me last night, that reminded me of the beginning of this journey, of the hope and of the faith that this journey is meant to be about.

When we started this journey i told him that i didnt want to turn into that crazy lady that gives up everything and everyone just chasing a miracle... I have turned into that crazy lady, and now your father is the one suffering.

I am writting this letter to tell you that we are not giving up, and your father made that abundantly clear, this is not the end.  This is simply the begining of another journey that we will take together.  And while last nite i said that nothing is going to make me happy but you, i know that there are things that will distract me and make me happy while i am waiting for you to come along.

Of course i pray that you are one of the little eggs growing inside of me now, waiting to be removed, grown, and put back in me... But if your not, if your not meant to come now, i have set myself some new year resoloutions.

Ive never done that before, but this year, next year, i need it.  I need to be who i was, i need to stop hating myself and my life, and i need more than anything to move on, to believe and have utter faith that you will come in your own time, to accept this life that the Lord has given me, and to stop challenging and questioning the misery.

I know you are there, somewhere out there, and i do nothing now but let this be, and get back to who i was, otherwise i wont be able to be a good mother to you, and this jouney will have gone in vein.

I love you and i am not giving up, but your father and i need to find ourselves once more, and find peace within.

Love always from a mother that may never be.

So your infertile...  For me it came as a surprise, i had normal periods during high school, went on the pill at 17, then stopped taking the pill nearly 10 years later.  I honestly thought i would get a period a month later.  But nothing, nada, neinte, not even a spot, a cramp, or the slightest hint of anything premenstrual...

Suddenly, almost overnight, my husband and i were thrown into the world of infertility and everything it has the pleasure of offering. Almost as soon as we had decided to go ahead with the IUI's and attempt to defeat my stubborn ovaries, almost everyone we had mentioned it to suddenly became experts, they suddenly became more educated in infertility then my doctor....

Family, friends, friends of family, long long lost uncle bert, suddenly had a friend of a friend, or a  cousin's sister's mother's best friend who also went through this, or is going through this, but they did it this way and that way, and you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't do that...

I had so many people ask me have you researched, have you thought about the costs, can you even afford a child, what if you just waited a year or so....

As we progressed along this year, it seems that every one in my life also progressed - they progressed from a diploma to a degree, to a masters degree in infertility!  Now more hurtful comments came along, dont you think your just being impatient or never mind that it didnt work - there is always next month.  My so called best friend (now ex best friend) said to on one occasion - i hope you dont fall pregnant this time, so we can fall pregnant together, or something along the lines of that, can you believe it!

Besides comments like you should eat this and that, excersise less, sleep more, stop doing this or that, or of my favorite of all comments which i have gotten on more than one occasion is - you just need to take a holiday and relax... NO NO I DON"T! Dont you people understand? Just going on a holiday wont make me pregnant! I AM INFERTILE - you have to actually ovulate if you want to fall pregnant, and I DONT OVULATE - get it through your thick heads, if you dont ovulate than no matter how much S-E-X you have, whether it be on holidays or at home, stressed or relaxed, upside down, doggy style, or upside down with your legs crossed... if you do not ovulate, than there is no egg for the sperm to get to, and thus no baby... HUMPH

Now this was all during the IUI's... So you can imagine, and those of you who are also infertile - i know that you know what i am talking about, you can imagine the doctors that came out of nowhere when we decided to do the IVF, and not only the doctors this time, but the psyciatrists as well!

Dont get me wrong here, i have an AMAZING support network who i couldnt live without , most of my family and friends now understand, or try to understand what we are going through, but it is the other people, the ones who arnt close enough to understand, the ones you havent really told and that dont really know what is going on but assume to know, and assume to be the experts now...

They are the ones who now give me the hebe-jebies when they tell me to 'take a break' or see their friend who is unqualified but apparently 'an expert', or to just get over it and suddenly stop wanting children, or my ABSOLOUTE favorite:-

YOU JUST NEED TO STOP STRESSING...

You know what, maybe stopping stressing and just relaxing may help, maybe, but honestly - TELL ME HOW THE HELL TO DO THAT?

I was pondering the thought this morning of a holiday... But what if it doesnt work and i waste my holiday moping, what if i cant find a blood center and cant get my blood taken, what if it does work and i have wasted our money on a holiday, what about work, no i cant take time of work because i have taken to much time for doctors appointments... No, no holiday it is just not practical.

So once again i am back to where i started, not pregnant, not worried or stressed, and definatly not hopeless - we have a plan of attack, we have some money, but we are still being told to take a break, to give up, to talk to this person, to stand on our heads, to go on a holiday, and most frequently TO STOP STRESSING...

OKAY OKAY OKAY... We understand... the MAGIC stalk is coming tonight to leave our baby on our door step...

Alright already - i'm sorry, i get it, i really do get it, they LOVE us and that is why they tell us what to do.  But please, let the doctor do her job, after all if you were a fetility expret i would be paying you the big bucks

"When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion" Dale Carnegie

125 iu's FSH, Orgalutran injection PLUS Overdril (trigger injection), three needles tonight, feeling tired bloated, sick, at the limits of my pain threshold, emotions running wild...  but thats it, after 8.30pm tonight, no more needles!  Yip, yip, yippie!  Egg pickup only 36 hours away... quality not quantity nurse rachael says... we want quality... and i am praying for good little googy eggs...

So today was a BAD day, i was sick, sore, extraordinarily busy and very very hormonal... and in my frazzled state of mind i may have accidentally overreacted, so in honor of a twenty year friendship down the tube due to hormones i have decided to pass on what i have discovered today for all to  learn from...

The top ten emotions that will sneak up on you at any given moment, while you are on an IVF cycle are:

1. Depression: despair, sadness, misery, hopelessness, gloominess, melancholy, dejection, unhappiness...
2. Regret: feel sorry, disappointment, apologetic, repentant, remorseful, shame...
3. Frustration: aggravation, irritation, disturbance, annoyance, dissatisfaction...
4. Anxiety: nervous, worried, concerned, uneasy, apprehensive, restless, fretful, fearful...
5. Confusion: bewilderment, perplexity, puzzlement, uncertainty, misunderstanding...
6. Excitement: enthusiasm, thrill, anticipation...
7. Inspired: encouraged, motivated, enthused, stimulated, stirred, moved...
8. Joy: delight, happiness, pleasure, enjoyment, bliss, elation, thrill...
9. Anger: annoyance, irritation, fury, rage...
10. Overreacting: exaggerate, dramatize, be melodramatic, over the top, react excessively...

While these emotion are not uncommon to anyone else on this planet, the difference between emotions, and IVF emotions are that they are not only felt 1,000,000 times more powerfully. They are ALL felt in a very short time frame, and all jumbled up intermingled with each other, eating your brain up, consuming every thought you have...

A prime example of this was demonstrated today.  The emotional roller coaster of me all began at 9.46am with an email, yes an email sent me mad today, and as the message went back and forth, and back and forth, and back again, well this is what transpired emotionally...

9.46am - Inspired

10.31am - Frustrated

10.46am - Angery

10.50am - At this point i think i overreacted

11.01am - Then came the regret

11.31am - Then AGAIN Frustrated

11.43am - And a little more regret

11.58am - Then Confusion

12.01pm - Joy, only given by the fact that it was lunch time)

12.28pm - Then back to the desk and it hits: Depression

1.03pm - Then the REAL feelings and emotions emerged...

1.04pm - misunderstanding excitement depression sadness misery hopelessness melancholy dejection unhappiness regret feel sorry elation disappointment  apologetic repentant remorseful shame aggravation irritation disturbance dissatisfaction anxiety nervous worried concerned uneasy apprehensive despair restless fretful fearful confusion uncertainty thrill anticipation inspired encouraged enthused stimulated stirred moved joy delight happiness thrill anger annoyance irritation fury rage overreacting exaggerate dramatize be melodramatic over the top bewilderment perplexity puzzlement pleasure enjoyment bliss frustration react excessively annoyance gloominess enthusiasm motivated....

1.06pm - if u cant tell i am hormonal, at work, busy, & MY OVARIES HURT! Bloody hell! And still the rest of the day to survive...

5.23pm - i survived, i made it through the day!  Unfortunately my BF of 20yrs is no longer talking to me, and doesnt understand that the emotions i felt today, and the reactions that occurred were somewhat out of my control.  I wish i could say that i have learnt something, and i wish that i could say that i will never ever overreact again, but chances are i will.  There are still many more hormones to be pumped into my body over the next three weeks, and still many more emotions that i will feel 100 times more powerfully then i expect.  I feel that i cannot live in regret, what happened today happened, they way i acted may have seemed inexcusable, and i am truly sorry for hurting someone i love, but in the end i shouldn't have to be anyone but myself  i can't help it, i am who i am. I've done nothing recently but bare my soul and be honest about who and what i am. If the truth that comes in the way of hormone enhanced emotions cannot be handled, then so be it.  I tired, and i think i failed, but

"The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall." Vince Lombardi

Ahhh i am so frustrated! My day has been so busy and hectic and all i want to do is upload a video and it is taking for ages and i feel like i am going to pop!

I am mega busy at work, mega busy when i get home, mega busy on the weekends, where has my year gone, where is my life going? in 17 days i will be 27 and im STILL NOT PREGNANT! POO TO THE WHOLE WORLD!

I am not sad today, not inspirational, not insightful, nothing, just frustrated!  I am sitting here trying to be creative and trying to come up with things to write about that will be informative to other IVF patients, but i just cant...

When your on these hormones it is like everything is doubled, tripeled, just f**k**g multiplied to a bajillion, i feel like i've had about a thousand cups of coffee and i just have the irrits to the extreme.... ekkk i am so mad.

I know it is the hormones because i was calm this time last week, and there is no need for me to be so strung, its only a diary entry, and who cares if its not perfect, its my thoughts and feelings and the whole idea of it was to release my feelings so here you go...

WARNING:- EMOTIONAL RELEASE..

HUMPH BLOODY HELL HUMPH ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...........EKKKKKKK RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HUMPH BLOODY HELL HUMPH ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...........EKKKKKKK RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND POOP AGAIN TO PCOS!

PS - No quote today, too bloody mad for a quote...

I began my morning this morning by opening the Bible.  Yes you heard right, i opened the Bible, it was there, and i said in my head "ill open it and hope that something relevant is infront of me" Well, well, well... there it was...

Jeremiah 12 (The Message)

What Makes You Think You Can Race Against Horses?

^1-4 You are right, O God, and you set things right. I can't argue with that. But I do have some questions:
Why do bad people have it so good?
Why do con artists make it big?
You planted them and they put down roots.
They flourished and produced fruit.
They talk as if they're old friends with you,
but they couldn't care less about you.
Meanwhile, you know me inside and out.
You don't let me get by with a thing!
Make them pay for the way they live,
pay with their lives, like sheep marked for slaughter.
How long do we have to put up with this—
the country depressed, the farms in ruin—
And all because of wickedness, these wicked lives?
Even animals and birds are dying off
Because they'll have nothing to do with God
and think God has nothing to do with them.

Now i'm not sure what all this means, but when i read it i thought about my blog last week - Where are you God?  I realise that i have left my thoughts somewhat unfinished... And i think the reason behind this is because i am torn.

When it comes to god and IVF i really am torn, and there is this sick feeling that comes with it.  The feeling at the bottom of your stomach that makes you think what you are doing is wrong.  Like guilt almost.

I am somewhat torn between logic and faith.  Someone told me today that i cannot sit on the fence, that i have to put my heart into my faith, that to be a christian is to have full faith.  I thought i did have full faith?

Why am i so torn? Why does logic win? Why does this internal debate make me sick?  Do i even want the answers to these questions?  Or maybe living on the fence in my naive way is what i want?

I'm honest - i'm scared, i'm worried that no matter how hard i try, how hard i pray, no matter how much i hope against hope, that God just doesnt want me to have a baby via IVF.  Am i wasting our money? Am i wasting our time? and if i do fall again, will it be taken once more from me? And why can i not be satisfied with what i have? With waiting, with having faith that miracles can happen?

Am i denied a child because i self loath? Am i denied a child because there are bigger things for me? And what about my husband? Doesnt he deserve to make a baby with the one he loves?

I feel like i never had a family, like i want to be the family i never had.  I want to believe in someone, give them strength, show them what i have learnt in life, show them an unconditional love, i want someone to learn from my mistakes, grow from my past.  I want to feel what it is like to have a life grow inside of me - teach them, nurture them, hold them when they cry.  And why should i be denied that?  I dont want to be rich, i dont want to be famous, i dont want to be better than anyone else.  I just want to have a child, someone to share my love i share with my husband.

What is it about faith that makes things so confusing? Shouldn't it be clear? And what if it is clear and i not accepting it? What then? If it all ends now, what do i do, who am i, and where do i go from here?  There are no answers, there are always only questions..

I cant stand it, that i feel so torn, i cant stant it that i cant have what i want, i cant stand it that it feels so unfair, and i cant stand it that i know i am not alone in these feelings.

I'm still angry and i am still hurt, and i am still sitting here looking for answers.

God gave somone the intellagence to be able to create the technique and the science behind IVF - if you look at the process, it really is a miracle, and even with all the technology in the world there is only that 40% chance you will fall pregnant...

And if got gave these people this intelligence, why shouldnt i make use of it?  There is that old story about the drowning man, God sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, each time the man told the rescuer not too worry because God will save him... When he faced God upon death the man asks "why did you not save me" God answered "I tried, i sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, why did you choose not to be rescued?"

IVF has to be my boat, my helicopter, and IVF has to be my diver - i dont want to face God and ask why i was denied, only to be told that i didnt take his miracle given to me through my doctor, through the scientists, and through the medications and proceedures that people, his people, were wise enough to create.  I want to try everything on this earth, that God has offered, everyone on this earth that God has offered to me, use all of the interlect, all of the hope in this world to go toward my little miracle.

I wish there was a way i could sum up my fears, a way that i could simply let go, feel more at peace with maybe not being a mother...

But there is not.  This is what i want and i fear that i will do anything and everything to get it.

"Hope is knowing that sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light"

I am a christian, i believe in God and i trust that there is a plan for me out there, that for some reason there is an explanation behind my infertility.  That this is meant to make me a stronger person or something, my boss has told me on many occasions that i need to find the "gift" in this - i wish, what possible gift could come of this, what could i possibly learn from this? What reason is there behind denying a woman the right to conceive and carry a child? Will someone tell me where God is now?

It says in the good book that no womb shall be barren (or something along the lines of that) and i believe that one day i will be pregnant, that God is behind all this, and i believe that these thoughts that God has deserted me will pass, but at this very moment, and this point in time, i truly feel like God has forgotten about me... Why am i so confused, why does this torment me so? And why oh why does it hurt so very much?

I know that i am not perfect, i know that i am no better than anyone else, but i live my life honestly and healthily.  I exercise every day, i eat rabbit food for lunch and dinner for pete's sake!  I've never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never abused my body in any manner, never been a slut, never had an abortion, my worst habit would be caffeine and gum... so again i ask WHY ME?

I sit here and i am just really feeling sorry for myself, and i know that after a good nights sleep i will find my faith again, but why is the world against me? What on earth have i done to deserve this crap? Or why do i sit here wondering why everyone else can have babies and i can't? (even though i know that last comment isn't true) or why do crack whores get babies and i don't? Or why on earth don't i get to have a mother, nor do i get to be a mother?  And why can't i just snap out of it, and forget about having babies altogether and live my life without them.  Or why was it me that drove past a woman with a child in a pram, a child holding onto the pram, she was about 8 months pregnant and smoking... could i NOT have noticed that? PL-EA-SE oh God!

I believe in God and everything that he offers to me, like my husband says - its what gets me through, but right now i am angry so very angry - and im not sure if that is allowed, but i am.  I want to cry out to the heavens and ask what the point of living your life as a good little christian girl is, doing work for charity, never doing drugs, never hurting anyone intentially, always trying the best you can, if what feels like God just throwing the whole thing back in your face and basically saying "I'd rather a drug addict raise one of my children then you"  its not what i believe in my heart of hearts, but it is what i feel.... And it makes me scared that such powerful emotions can be felt.