Day five of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection

I began my morning this morning by opening the Bible.  Yes you heard right, i opened the Bible, it was there, and i said in my head “ill open it and hope that something relevant is infront of me” Well, well, well… there it was…

Jeremiah 12 (The Message)

What Makes You Think You Can Race Against Horses?

^1-4 You are right, O God, and you set things right. I can’t argue with that. But I do have some questions:
Why do bad people have it so good?
Why do con artists make it big?
You planted them and they put down roots.
They flourished and produced fruit.
They talk as if they’re old friends with you,
but they couldn’t care less about you.
Meanwhile, you know me inside and out.
You don’t let me get by with a thing!
Make them pay for the way they live,
pay with their lives, like sheep marked for slaughter.
How long do we have to put up with this—
the country depressed, the farms in ruin—
And all because of wickedness, these wicked lives?
Even animals and birds are dying off
Because they’ll have nothing to do with God
and think God has nothing to do with them.

Now i’m not sure what all this means, but when i read it i thought about my blog last week – Where are you God?  I realise that i have left my thoughts somewhat unfinished… And i think the reason behind this is because i am torn.

When it comes to god and IVF i really am torn, and there is this sick feeling that comes with it.  The feeling at the bottom of your stomach that makes you think what you are doing is wrong.  Like guilt almost.

I am somewhat torn between logic and faith.  Someone told me today that i cannot sit on the fence, that i have to put my heart into my faith, that to be a christian is to have full faith.  I thought i did have full faith?

Why am i so torn? Why does logic win? Why does this internal debate make me sick?  Do i even want the answers to these questions?  Or maybe living on the fence in my naive way is what i want?

I’m honest – i’m scared, i’m worried that no matter how hard i try, how hard i pray, no matter how much i hope against hope, that God just doesnt want me to have a baby via IVF.  Am i wasting our money? Am i wasting our time? and if i do fall again, will it be taken once more from me? And why can i not be satisfied with what i have? With waiting, with having faith that miracles can happen?

Am i denied a child because i self loath? Am i denied a child because there are bigger things for me? And what about my husband? Doesnt he deserve to make a baby with the one he loves?

I feel like i never had a family, like i want to be the family i never had.  I want to believe in someone, give them strength, show them what i have learnt in life, show them an unconditional love, i want someone to learn from my mistakes, grow from my past.  I want to feel what it is like to have a life grow inside of me – teach them, nurture them, hold them when they cry.  And why should i be denied that?  I dont want to be rich, i dont want to be famous, i dont want to be better than anyone else.  I just want to have a child, someone to share my love i share with my husband.

What is it about faith that makes things so confusing? Shouldn’t it be clear? And what if it is clear and i not accepting it? What then? If it all ends now, what do i do, who am i, and where do i go from here?  There are no answers, there are always only questions..

I cant stand it, that i feel so torn, i cant stant it that i cant have what i want, i cant stand it that it feels so unfair, and i cant stand it that i know i am not alone in these feelings.

I’m still angry and i am still hurt, and i am still sitting here looking for answers.

God gave somone the intellagence to be able to create the technique and the science behind IVF – if you look at the process, it really is a miracle, and even with all the technology in the world there is only that 40% chance you will fall pregnant…

And if got gave these people this intelligence, why shouldnt i make use of it?  There is that old story about the drowning man, God sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, each time the man told the rescuer not too worry because God will save him… When he faced God upon death the man asks “why did you not save me” God answered “I tried, i sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, why did you choose not to be rescued?”

IVF has to be my boat, my helicopter, and IVF has to be my diver – i dont want to face God and ask why i was denied, only to be told that i didnt take his miracle given to me through my doctor, through the scientists, and through the medications and proceedures that people, his people, were wise enough to create.  I want to try everything on this earth, that God has offered, everyone on this earth that God has offered to me, use all of the interlect, all of the hope in this world to go toward my little miracle.

I wish there was a way i could sum up my fears, a way that i could simply let go, feel more at peace with maybe not being a mother…

But there is not.  This is what i want and i fear that i will do anything and everything to get it.

“Hope is knowing that sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light”