Plain and simply this is hard.

Harder than i thought it would be.

Today i went back to work.  I thought it would be a good distraction, and i thought that it would ease my mind to know that i was being productive....

But today was hard.

I am scared... Well maybe not so much as scared but worried.  I am worried that i am going to miss the signs, that i am not going to be in the right place at the right time... Worried that i diagnose my back pain as back pain rather than labor, worried that if something happens i will not be prepared...

I am sitting here worried that i have got everything wrong, that i cant do this, that i am once again going to stuff up...

I guess i am just second guessing myself, my faith and my instincts... I dont want to, but reality has hit and i am.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  Maybe i wont have back pain tomorrow, maybe i will feel more comfortable, maybe if i can just get through today, tomorrow it will be better.

Maybe it wont.

I dont know.... I just dont know up from down, left from right anymore... Plain and simply, i am confused about everything, and just want the next 7 weeks to pass and to have my little miracle in my arms safe and sound...

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you. Roger Ebert

My toes dont touch the floor...

2004 i started swelling, i had sore joints and for no reason my ankles and feet began swelling... That year i was diagnosed with Lupus.

When we first started talking about a family i learned from the specialist that anti inflammatory medications during pregnancy are a no go...

2008 i stopped taking all medication, and i was fine.

For the first time since 2004 yesterday my feet began swelling, and they didnt stop.  By the end of the evening i had no ankles and i my feet looked like two balloons.

And as i lay in bed with my feet raised, i began to worry...

I am only half way there.... What if it gets worse?  I knew this might have happened, and i know in a week i will be able to talk to the specialist about it all, but i dont want to go on medications, i really dont.  I spent so long getting fit an healthy to avoid putting these medications into my body, i really just wanted to get through this pregnancy without the lupus coming back, getting worse.

I spent the night with my feet up hoping that this morning it would have been better, hoping that it was a one off, hoping that keeping my feet raised would have helped.  As i woke up i realised i was wrong.  They are less swollen, but my toes still dont touch the floor, my feet are still swollen.

I am trying not to think about the 'what ifs' i am trying not to think negatively, but you still have to wonder...

And i am sitting here wondering, why suddenly now?  What has suddenly changed?  I will try not to think about it, i will wait until next monday to talk to the doctor, but i really hope, and i will pray, that this doesnt hurt my george, that i wont have to go on any medication, that with rest and caution, all will be ok.

I just pray that all will be ok.

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. Anon

I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.

This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before.  I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.

I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.

I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt.  No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering.  Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying.  I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.

Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why?  Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.

Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears.  I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.

Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.

I  Jesus name i pray,

AMEN.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting....

I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.

I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.

It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.

This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.

How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?

Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?

I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.

I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.

I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

Today i didnt break down, but i cried...

I cried for me, and i cried for you.

I cried because i know your pain, i cried because i understand, i cried because i want to help and i cant, i cried because i wished i could be there, i cried because i cant see you, but i can feel your pain...

So i say the only thing i can say, you will survive... Learn from my pain, learn from my story, and know that you will get by, you will survive.  You will find yourself again, it will be ok, there is hope, have faith.  When the world is screaming the impossible, scream back "nothing is impossible, with God, all is possible" and you will survive.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

I will not lie, sometimes i forget how far i have come, sometimes i forget how blessed i am, sometimes i forget that all is ok now.... My life takes over and i forget.

But then there are days where i am reminded of who i am and where i have come from, i am reminded that last year was painful, i am reminded that people i know are still hurting just as i hurt, and that in turn reminds me of what i went through to get here.  These things i am reminded of just makes me want to scream out loud, and release all the pain that i am still holding deep inside me.

I know that i am blessed, i know that i have everything that i ever wanted, but for some reason i am still holding onto the pain i went through.

And i know i am doing this, because i have done the same thing with the pain of my mothers passing for the past 16 years.

My question is, where comes the point where we release our grief? Is there a point? Am i holding onto something that should now be a distant memory?

Most of the time, i believe that not forgetting the pain, makes us stronger.  Reminds us that we survived and that we can handle what is thrown at us, but maybe i am wrong, maybe holding on makes me weaker.

When i am sad, when i have lost hope, i draw on places of sadness, play a song that reminds me, and i let myself fall apart.  Is this unhealthy? Should i not let myself be reminded of the pain?  Is breaking down, remembering my grief, both in my mothers death, and in the struggles i faced to fall pregnant, make me the fool, or does it make me wiser by reminding me of who i am?

Does my pain make me who i am? Or does it take away from who i am?

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

I never understood tweeting or blogging.

Not until about October last year did i really understand it.  Sure i knew about it, but i didnt get it...

Twitter was for nerds, writting your thoughts on a site that people may or may not read... Well that was even nerdier... But now, well i cant live without it.

I only started my blog because i needed something to get me through.  I was going to keep a journal until my brother in law set this site up for me, and i thought, why not, saves me carting around a book...

I have said this before, but i couldnt have done this, gone through IVF, gotten back on the path time and time again, if it wasnt for this blog and if it wasnt for my twitter 'followers'.

I honestly dont think that you can understand, unless your in it yourself.  And i am not just talking about IVF and IF, i mean the whole social network thing.  To be honest, most of my 'real' friends dont get it, my father certainly doesnt get it, neither does my husband.  Most of the people i talk to just cant understand why you would write something in 140 characters, why you would post your every thought onto a page where the world can read it, why you would look forward to the comments and the end of the day.

But then again, you never know if you've never tried...

I now say to people who dont understand or who think it is just 'nerdy' that i have made friends with people i may never meet.  These people really care about me, they ask me how i am going, i know they have cried for me, some of them have stayed up late just to hear my news... and you know what? Some of my real friends didnt do that.

I have been asked so many times if i am trying to get a book published, or a movie made, or if i am just copying the movie Julie and Julia.. I laugh and of course sarcastically answer 'yes, that its exactly why i started this' (if they were smart they would know that i started my blog before the movie came out). But in all honesty i do say to people that this it is my support network, these are the people who understand me, who can give me advice, who can relate to what i am going through and what i have been through.  How many times do you get to a clinic, a doctor, a hospital, and be given a pamphlet for a support group?  Well, this is my support group, and i tell people that nearly everyday when i am questioned on my motives behind being a tweeter, and a blogger...

I have been asked if i was not infertile, if i hadnt been handed this opportunity would i have done it anyway? To be honest, no i dont think i would have been involved, i think i would have continued on with my life believing that this was nerdy... But this is the way the cookie crumbled, and i find myself saying again, that while last year was hell, i wouldnt change it for the world.

I am grateful for being able to connect with people who i understand, and who understand me and couldnt have said it better than the last day of 2009.

For the times when you stayed awake to see my news - thank you.  For the times when you waited, your hearts beating as fast as mine - thank you.  For the times when you simply gave me a *HUG* a *MWAH* a :p and even a - thank you. Thank you for the past 100 days, for your support, for cheering me along when i needed it most, for praying for me when i thought i had lost God, for crossing your fingers and toes for me, thank you. And thank you for the comments that always made me cry...  The worst year of my life is now over, and again i say - i wouldnt change it for the earth.  I sit here and i welcome in 2010 with open arms knowing that i have strangers in my life who will be with me holding my hand chasing my miracle each and every day with me.

To people that think blogging as a waste of time, to twitter quitters that dont give this a shot, to twitters that think it is just about business networking... No. This is about people finding people who understand in one way or another, this is about knowing that someone will help you when you say help, this is about knowing that a comment at the end of the day, no matter how small, will make you smile.  Because in the end, how many of your 'real' friends text you and simply say 'are you ok *HUGS*' ?

I know i have maybe one or two 'real' friends that will text me just because, but i have over 200 'followers' that will comment each and everyday, and make sure that i am ok.  In my mind, even though i dont know them, and even though they will never replace my truest friends, they are my friends, and they are there for me.

Twitter and my blog changed my life, and got me through the hardest 100 days i never imagined i would have to face.  How many people do you know out there can say that?

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. Elbert Hubbard

IVF - It has to be one of the hardest things anyone should ever have to face.  The torment, the anguish, the pain, the money, and the decisions.

Do we spend the money, are there alternatives, will this work, is it worth it all?  So many questions, and hard life changing questions.  You spend sleepless nights wondering if you have done the right thing, if you are doing the right thing, or if you will regret your choices for an eternity.

And the decisions dont stop, they never stop!

Once you take the plunge and decide to go ahead, there are documents, legalities, sign here, initial there, would you like option a or option b?  And of course no one can make the decisions but you, you are the ones with all the pressure, you are the ones who have to make the final choice, and you are the ones that have to live with them.

Now that all is said and done, and now that for me the IVF has worked, i thought the decision making would be over, i thought that it would just be the one last responsibility of chooseing a name that would keep me up at night.

But i forgot about our frozens...

I forgot about our three potential babies.  I forgot about our frozen embies, hidden away in the deep freeze of the clinic, waiting, just waiting to be defrosted...

I know its not quite the time to be pondering about such life changing things, but the topic has come up twice in as many days, and well.... It has really got me thinking.

Do we try again? Do we want a sibbling for George?

Do we donate?

Or do we dispose?

Three things that haunt me about such a decision...

If we try again, will i get caught up?  If we decide to go ahead with putting the three back in and it doesnt work, will my desire take over, and will i then want to put myself through the whole tormenting IVF process again?  Will i forget what i have and loose myself again?

If we donate, will i spend a lifetime wondering?  I would love to give someone else out there an opportunity, but will i spend the rest of my life wondering if there is a child of mine out there?  Will i wonder about the potential baby i possibly gave away?

Or do we dispose?  Do i get rid of the little critters that i went through hell and back to get?  And if donating my embryo's is comparable to adoption in my mind, in the same thought is disposal comparable to abortion?

I know my mind is more than likely just playing games with me, and there will be a time later down the track where i will think it through more clearly, but it is something that people talk about, and ask me about...

At least for now they are safe and sound in the deep freeze...

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. Naguib Mahfouz

Something that ran through my mind this morning as i waited for the gym to open...

Why when you are hungry before you fall alseep, do you wake up without an appetite...  Yet when you head to bed as full as a goog, you wake up starving?

On another note, as i was waiting at the gym, i found myself worried once more... I shouldnt be, everything will be fine, but there just seems to be that inkling of fear that i cant get rid of.  There is but 4 sleeps until my twelve week scan, and yes i am truly blessed, but i cant help but to be scared, this is everything to my husband and i, we are in deeper than we have ever been before....  And i want nothing more than for this to just be perfect...

And all i hope is that my weekend will pass quickly and that more dreams will become reality  next week.

FEAR is an acronym in the English language for "False Evidence Appearing Real Neale Donald Walsch

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper... My sister and i call it the "Bowen trait" and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers... And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said "I do"!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out...

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it!  I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation - and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside?  I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do.  I gave up.  I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up... I went to bed without a solution.  I have NEVER done that in my life!  I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat... But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up... I want to conquer and succeed!  I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in?  How do i control the uncontrollable?  How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first...

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

I love where i live, "beautiful one day, perfect the next" - that is Queensland, Australia for you.  I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)...

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying... We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP's were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state.  And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the "facts" or "reasons" behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable...

But nooooooooooooooo.... These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as "gay couples ordering children like pets" or "same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom" or my favorite so far "This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child." (abc.net) or what about "People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man - or just a man on his own - is identical in law to a mother and father from a child's perspective"

WTF?

"The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements.  Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they're currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting." (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm... As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian  people dont have the right to children... And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages... Cause i will be waiting there with my stones...

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in... And the nerves...

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching...  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting... The baby shower...  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK... (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff...

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now... i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop...

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle... But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day... Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while... Nope - WRONG!

I am HUNGRY!  And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs... But still, it is like i cant get full... And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit - 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still - HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again....

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it... Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to - and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly... Now, well as you can see i am just confused... silly really...

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this?  Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

Who de fool?

We are!

I'd like to say that i was prepared for all of this... I'd like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there... But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on...

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen...

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment...

1. Private or Public - you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said "when will we ever need that?" It seems now, we need it!  The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child.  DH's perspective, i could take more time off work...?
2. (Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section - So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm... Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore!  Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section...  But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more... But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle...?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about... And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted...  It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk... How do i want my baby to enter the world?   All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically... Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices....

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning... But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not...

I will post it, but tomorrow...

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone... I dont know why i should feel so reserved - especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle...

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand... I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok - isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings  i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from... I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but...

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back... or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen